The Sharpest Lives
by lvtwilight09
Summary: Five years after Edward left, the Cullens find Bella. She is no longer who they knew her to be and has managed to destroy her life with the choices she's made. Can Edward manage to save Bella from herself before its too late?
1. Without You

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I wish it was, but its not. How do I know? I know because if it was mine then I wouldn't have $90,000 in school loans to pay off. What is mine however is my Twilight Eclipse 2011 calendar that I have hanging in my bedroom. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: So this is my first attempt at writing. Kinda nervous about it, but I thought I'd give it a shot. I got the idea for this from a bunch of songs I was listening to on a plane ride to Boston. They kind of all came together and this story played out in my head. Each chapter will have some inspiration from a song, so feel free to listen to it as you read. Hopefully you all enjoy the story. **

**Chapter 1: Without You**

**Song: Without You (RENT Soundtrack)**

EPOV

Today is September 13th – her birthday. I hated September 13th. That's because five years ago on her birthday my entire world was shot to shit, and the whole thing is my fault. I overreacted. After what happened on her birthday I was so afraid of hurting her, I never stopped to think of what she wanted, or really needed, and now I've lost her.

It's my own fault. My family, Alice especially, told me that leaving was going to be a mistake but I refused to listen. After a few months of being away from her I couldn't bear it anymore and tried to go back, but she wasn't there. She was gone and no one had a clue where she was, not even Charlie. Alice couldn't even find her future when I asked her to check. It was as if my own words came back to haunt me – _It will be as though I never existed_.

I spend all my time with my journals now, my music long forgotten. There was no reason to play anymore once she was gone. My journals are full of her though, it's my way of surrounding myself with her, speaking to her, and keeping her with me even though I have no clue where she is. I already know today will be hard not just for me, but the whole family – even Rosalie. I hear the worry and sadness in all of their thoughts. We all stopped living on some level when we left Bella, and a little bit more when we couldn't find her when went back to look for her. I sit down at my desk with pen and journal in hand and start to write…

Bella,

It's your birthday today love. I wish I was with you today so I could tell you Happy Birthday. I miss you so much. It's been five years now and my regret for what I did has only grown with each of the 1825 days that have gone with us being apart. I want you to know that I left my heart with you when I left. I hope you've looked after it for me. While it may no longer beat, it will forever only belong to you.

I think of you every second of every day. Everyone misses you Bella. Alice and Jasper, Emmett, Carlisle and Esme, even Rosalie we all miss you. You're 23 today Bella, and I wonder what you are doing. I'm sure you've become something great... a professor of literature or something of that sort, knowing how much you love your books.

Every time we move to a new city, I can't help but wonder if I will find you there. Maybe I will this time; I refuse to give up hope that one day I will find you again it's the only thing that makes my existence tolerable anymore. We've just moved again, but no high school for me this time. Alice, Jasper, and I will be attending college this go around. How I wish that we could have shared that experience together.

I wish I could change how things are. I see now how wrong I was to make the decision to leave without considering what you wanted first. I promise you that if I get the chance to fix things, I will do everything in my power to make them right, even if that means my turning you myself. The truth is Bella, while I may no longer be alive in the traditional sense, I feel truly dead without you. I miss you so much my love.

-Edward

I put down my pen and put away my journal. I swear if I was capable of crying, I would be in this moment, I'm not ashamed to admit that. I sigh as I look out the window and see Jasper and Alice waiting for me by the car so we can head off to school. I leave my room and head down to them, ready to go on with my day knowing that I'll just be going through the motions, my thoughts consumed by Bella and wondering where she is at this moment.

BPOV

Today is September 13th – my birthday. I hated September 13th. Most people don't hate their birthdays, but I do. That's because five years ago on my birthday, my entire world was shot to shit, and the whole thing is my fault. If I weren't so clumsy, if I was just a little bit more careful, maybe we'd still be together.

September 13th – as much as I hate the day, it's the one day I ever let myself remember anymore. The only day of the year I let myself feel. Which is why I'm sitting here in my piece of shit apartment thinking of everything that brought me to where I am now, which is all alone with no one who cares, writing a letter just like I have each year since he left. Writing a letter that will never be sent, delivered, or read by the one person who could probably save me from myself, but who also left me when he realized I wasn't good enough for him. I sit down at my table with pen and paper in hand and start to write…

Dear Edward,

It's been five years already. Five years, and it doesn't hurt any less. I wish things would have been different. I wish I could have been enough, good enough for you to have stayed. Everything is so different now. I'm not who I thought I would be, and I'm alone. Charlie probably thinks I'm dead by now. I haven't spoken to him since he found out about my arrest back in March. Jacob gave up on me long before then. I guess it was when he finally realized what I was doing.

Everything I did was to hold on to you. After your making me promise not to be reckless, every time I got close to danger I could hear your voice. So I sought it out…doing every reckless thing I could just to feel close to you again. The problem was after a while I couldn't hear your voice any more…so I found another way to hear it, and this time I was able to see you too, and remember everything of our time together. But after a while, the remembering began to hurt too much, and now I just spend my days trying to forget and trying not to feel.

I'm working now, at a place called The CatScratch Club. It isn't any kind of important job, I'm not the writer or lit professor you once thought I would become. I make enough to get me what I need which is all that really matters anyway because without it I feel like I'm dying.

I can't help but wonder how different everything could have been with us. I still miss you, every day, with every breath that I take. The truth is Edward, I'm dying without you. You told me you when you left that it would be as if you never existed, but you were wrong. I go through the motions, but that's it. I'm not really living, I know that but there isn't anything I can do to change. Everything around me goes on…the seasons change, people around me fall in love, and I'm just here. I wish you could come back, and yet as much as I want you back I'm afraid of who I would be if you did. I have so much anger and hurt inside. I think that's all that's left in me…it's all I am anymore because I've died without you.

-Bella

I put down my pen, tears streaming down my face, the drops causing the ink to run on the page I've just finished writing. I fold up the letter, put it in an envelope and write his name on it, and tuck it away in a drawer with the other letters that I know he'll never read.

I go to the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror and wonder _Why do I put myself through this every year? _I open up the medicine cabinet and see my best friend sitting there. I know I don't have work for a few hours yet so I pick up my friend, take off my shoe – gotta be smart you know, can't have Riley see the evidence on my arms – then I go through my routine, stick the needle between my toes and shoot the liquid inside the syringe into my body. The last thing I remember before everything fades away is thinking _Fuck remembering, forgetting is so much better._

**A/N: So hopefully you enjoyed the chapter. I won't do every chapter in both POVs, but I will be using both throughout the story and maybe some others as well. These two have a long journey ahead of them and neither really know how much their lives are going to change….Please let me know what you thought of the chapter and review, if you do I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter…**

**Thanks!**


	2. Beautiful Disaster

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I wish it was, but it's not. How do I know? I know because if it was mine then I would be in Louisiana right now with the cast while they film Breaking Dawn. What is mine however is my Twilight in Forks DVD. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: So this is chapter two of this story. Chapter 1 gave us some insight into what is going on with Edward and Bella. While we got some ideas of what Bella is doing, as the story goes on, we'll find out more about what she's been up to in the 5 years since Edward left. And now…on with the show.**

**Chapter 2: Beautiful Disaster**

**Song: Beautiful Disaster by Jon Mclaughlin**

***BPOV***

I wake up and relish the feel of the cool tile on my face. Looking around I see that I'm still in my bathroom, but I can tell by the way the sun comes through the window that it's getting late in the afternoon. I get up and go check the time on the clock in the kitchen. It reads 2:38. _Shit, I hafta be at work at 3 to help set up for tonight,_ I think to myself. It's a good thing I only live a few blocks from work. I scramble to grab my bag and bolt out the door running to make it to work on time, not even caring that I've been wearing the same clothes since I came home from work yesterday morning.

***Alice POV***

"Calm down Alice, I can feel the anxiety rolling off of you" says Jasper as we wait by the car for Edward.

"I'm sorry Jazz, I can't help it. You know what day today is and I just don't know how he'll handle it this year," I reply and give him a quick peck on the cheek.

I look up and see Edward still in his room and a second later he disappears from view. I know today won't be easy for him. It won't be easy for any of us. Hopefully classes today will keep him distracted. I look up when I hear the front door close and see my brother walking towards the car.

"Hey Edward" I say with a smile as I open my arms to try to give him a hug.

Edward says nothing in reply, just nods his head to acknowledge me, opens up the driver side door and gets into the car. Today is clearly not going to be a good day.

As we get on our way towards the university, I try some more conversation with my brother.

"So Edward, after class lets out this afternoon me and Jazz were going walk around town, and check out what's around here. You want to come with us?"

"No, not really Alice. I'm just going to head back to the house after class lets out. I don't really feel like being around anyone today. I just want to be alone."

I don't know why I'm so surprised. I mean, I already knew he was going to say no. I didn't even need to use my vision to figure that one out. I just sigh as I sit back in my seat. I try not to get too frustrated with Edward, but sometimes I can't help it. I mean, he's not the only one who's lost something in this whole messed up situation. I lost my best friend in all of this. We all miss Bella; I just wish Edward would realize him shutting down like this makes us all feel like we've lost him too. _Maybe we have_, I think to myself.

After class lets out, I tell Edward to go ahead and take the car, its cloudy enough out so Jazz and I will just walk around town for a while. Truth is, this is my way of keeping myself distracted for the day. After Edward leaves, Jazz takes my hand and we head down one of the streets and start exploring where our family will be spending the next few years. We don't talk much as we walk, and we don't have any real destination. I think Jazz just knows I need to be preoccupied today, and I know he needs to be away from the house with all the emotions surging through everyone.

Jasper and I lose track of time as we're walking around and before I know it, its dark out. I look at my watch and realize it's almost ten o'clock at night. We're on a street that has some small shops and some apartment buildings that by the look of them could probably use some repair work. It's getting breezy out and that's when I notice it. Its faint but it's definitely there.

"Did you just smell that? Do you really think that it could be..." I trail off unsure if I even want to finish the question.

"I did Alice, and I think it definitely is. You know, other than Edward, I think I'm the one who best knows that scent."

I know Jasper is right, which causes me to look around frantically. I would know Bella's scent anywhere, although I can't figure out what is mixed with it. I look to my left and I notice boxes of belongings on the sidewalk in front of the building we are standing by. On top of them is taped an eviction notice. As I glance at the eviction letter, I notice that it has Bella's name on it.

"Jazz did you see this? This letter has Bella's name on it. It says she got kicked out of her apartment because she didn't pay the rent. Where do you think she is?"

"I don't know Alice. I mean, it isn't like we crossed her scent as we walked around here so she must be out somewhere. Alice…_Alice_...are you even listening to me?"

I hear Jasper saying something but it tunes out as I start seeing glimpses of Bella, and me reading a letter. None of it makes sense, but I notice that I'm standing here when I'm reading it, so I open up the top box. That's when I see it – the envelope with Edward's name on it. I can't help but open it and just like I saw, there is a letter inside. It was dated today.

"Alice. What are you doing? I know we know Bella, but you can't just go through her things here on the side of the street," hisses Jasper.

"I know that Jazz, but I saw something. I'm supposed to read this letter. I don't know why. It doesn't make sense. I just know I need to read this," I tell him, pleading with my eyes for him to understand. He does of course, and nods his head in response.

I open up the letter and start to read it out loud to Jasper when I'm interrupted by the angry shouts of a voice that I would know anywhere. I look up when I hear her speak to me.

"Hey you! Put my shit down before I shove my foot up your ass!"

I hear Jasper stifle a small laugh as I realize she doesn't even recognize me. I tuck the letter back in the box, and the look up at her, square in the eye.

"Sorry about that," I say to her, but before I can even finish getting the words out of my mouth I hear her gasp.

"Alice?" Bella asks.

***BPOV***

I leave work for the night and try to hurry home. I don't mind having to work, I just hate the nights where I have to walk home late by myself. I'd rather get stuck with a late night slot, then at least by the time I'm going home the sun is starting to come up. I continue my internal monologue until I see outside my building and notice boxes outside of it. I know their mine. If I wasn't sure at first, the fact that I see some of my stuff sticking out the top of one of the boxes is a pretty good clue. Of course this is just the kind of thing that happens to me, and today of all days just makes it all the worse. God, I wish things were different. I wish I was different.

"Fuck! I knew I shouldn't have bought those dime bags off of Bree. Dammit where the hell am I supposed to sleep now. I swear if that bastard landlord screwed with my shit there is gonna be hell to pay!"

I continue my shouting to no one in particular, on the verge of breaking down into tears because I swear the gods are getting off on royally screwing with my life – that is until I see someone going through my stuff.

"Hey you! Put my shit down before I shove my foot up your ass" I yell. I'm in no mood to fight off some homeless bum for my shit, that is until I realize I'm now a homeless bum, so maybe I need to start getting friendly with some of these people. I mean it can't hurt to be on someone's good side if you're stuck on the streets.

Whoever this person is has enough sense to put my stuff down. It's when they look at me that I realize I was totally wrong. It wasn't just some homeless bum. It was someone I never thought I'd see again.

"Sorry about that" she says.

All I can manage to get out of my mouth is one word.

"Alice?"

Bella's Apartment Building


	3. Wake Me Up Inside

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I wish it was, but it's not. How do I know? I know because if it was mine then I would be making Rob rehearse scenes with me every day. What is mine however is my Edward Cullen Barbie doll. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: Hope everyone enjoyed the last chapter. We got to see the reappearance of some of the Cullen family in Bella's life. The big question now is how will Bella react to Alice and Jasper, especially since Alice read the letter Bella wrote. Also, I know I haven't straight out said what Bella's job is, if you've seen RENT then you probably have a good idea. If you haven't look up the character Mimi from RENT, that's who I'm loosely basing my Bella off of. Now let's go see what is going down between our friends Bella, Alice, and Jasper…**

**Chapter 3: Wake Me Up Inside**

**Song: Bring Me To Life by Evanescence**

***BPOV***

_Shit, shit, shit _is all I can think. "Maybe I didn't take enough tonight? Maybe I need to start using more," I mutter to myself, trying to convince myself that Alice and Jasper are not standing in front of me. Now I'm pacing like a caged animal. Now I really hate my birthday. Getting evicted and hallucinating about my ex-boyfriend's family does not a happy birthday make.

"Bella? Are you ok," Alice asks as she puts her hand on my shoulder to stop me pacing like a crazy person. As soon as I feel her ice cold hand on me I know I'm not hallucinating. I've had hallucinations before…this is not like them. This is real. With that realization all I can think to say in this moment is "Fuck me!"

Alice and Jasper try to stifle their laughter at my response but I can see in their eyes that they are worried. The thing is so am I. If they are here, what does this mean? Is Edward here too? I need answers. I know I miss him, but I'm still so angry and hurt, and it's not like I'm the same person any of them knew from back in Forks. I'm totally different. Being dead inside, angry, shut off from the world for five years will kind of change a person.

"What are you guys doing here?" I ask. Alice and Jasper look at each other, like they are having a silent conversation. I can tell they are trying to figure out how to tell me. Its then I realize that they aren't just passing through. The whole family is here.

It's Jasper who provides me with an answer. "Umm, well Bella, the family just moved here a few weeks back. A few of us are going to the university, and of course Carlisle is working at the hospital. Alice and I were walking around the town tonight after class and we…well, we kind of just stumbled upon your stuff. We weren't trying to track you or anything."

"Oh, ok" Is all I can manage as a response. I don't know if I should be glad they weren't looking for me or upset that they never cared enough to try to find me. But then again, Edward said he wanted a clean break so why would any of them ever try to seek me out.

"So how are you doing Bella? What are you up to these days?" Alice asks, pulling me out of the thoughts swirling in my head, all of them revolving around Edward and the family I had once wished I would become a part of. I can feel it already. I can't handle this. It's all too much all too fast. I have to get out of here even though I have no clue where I'm going to go.

"I've been working here and there. I just started a new job back in June, and actually I really need to be going because I'll be late for my shift if I don't head out." I glance at my watch as I say this praying they will believe the lie. I figure I can always just head back by the club and see if Riley will let me crash there tonight.

"Really Bella? Work at this hour? What kind of place are you working at? It's almost the middle of the night." I can tell Alice isn't buying my story, and it's not like I'm about to tell her what I really do. I need to come up with something fast, and I need to get out of here quick because what I really need is another fix. I can feel it. I'm gonna get the shakes soon and I can't let these two see me like that.

"Um…I'm working at a club. Its open late," is all I offer in reply, praying that she'll drop it. But this is Alice, and I know she isn't going to let this go easy.

"A club Bella? Are you like a hostess or waitress or something?" This time is Jasper asking the questions, and I suspect he's trying gauge my emotions to figure out my lie..._stupid lie detecting vampire._

"Yeah," I say with a smile that's almost believable, "something like that. Listen, I really gotta run you guys. It was good to see you, but can you do me a favor…I mean I'm sure he wouldn't want to know anyway, but can you just not mention seeing me to Edward?" I can tell by Jasper's expression that he knows there is something I'm hiding. I just hope they agree to keeping their mouths shut and their thoughts hidden around Edward. I don't know what his reaction to me being in the same town as him would be and frankly I don't want to know. Then again, on some level, I'm still kind of hoping this whole interaction is just a dream that I'm going to wake up from.

"Yeah, sure Bella. We'll keep this between us…_for now._ As long as you promise to see us again," Alice says as she smiles. Crap, I know that smile of hers. It's the smile she gives when she knows she is going to get her way, and besides I know there is no point arguing with her, although that whole _for now_ bit has me feeling more than a little uneasy. "Sure Alice, I'm not working tomorrow so if you want we could meet up then."

I'm already starting to walk back the way I came when I hear Alice yell out "Where should we meet?" I turn around and shout "Just come back around here, I'll be somewhere near here. I'm sure you all will be able to find me. Bye Alice!" As soon as I give here my answer I start jogging around the corner and down the alley, I rip out my equipment and go through the motions quickly and before I know it the syringe is between my toes and I can feel my fix coursing through my blood…bringing me the reminder of why do this as the comfort of feeling nothing, feeling numb takes over.

As I settle into my high, I put my things away and head back to the club, hoping that Riley is in a good mood tonight and will let me crash in the dressing room.

***APOV***

"Just come back around here, I'll be somewhere near here. I'm sure you all will be able to find me. Bye Alice" is the last thing I hear Bella say before she runs away from me and Jasper.

"That was not the same Bella we left in Forks. Did you see how she ran away from us Jazz? She's hiding something, I know she is. I think we should follow her, make sure she is ok, because I can't seem to see her future right now. I don't like that." I'm nervous. I don't know why I can't see Bella's future, but whatever the reason is, I need answers, and I want to know what she's hiding.

"I know honey. She's different now, but did you really expect her to remain unchanged after what happened with Edward. People change, it's an inevitability, although I wouldn't have expected such an extreme change. Not from someone like Bella, and you're right, she's definitely hiding something, I could feel it. Her emotions weren't normal, it felt like she's shut down inside to avoid feeling anything. But maybe she just wants some privacy in her life?" Jasper says as he wraps his arms around me, but I can tell by his tone he doesn't believe his own theory about privacy one bit.

"Something is going on with my friend Jazz and I am going to find out what. Bella was like a sister to me. I don't care what Edward said about leaving her alone. I mean you saw her. She's as thin as a stick, like she hasn't eaten in weeks something is wrong with her. I could tell from her scent. There was something off about it" I give Jasper a look, pleading with him to agree to let me keep watch over Bella. He gives me a nod before kissing me on my forehead, his silent way of agreeing with me.

We head off in the direction Bella left in, following her lingering scent, and just like before I can tell it's her but there is a hint of something mixed with it that throws it off a little. We follow it until we get to a building with the name The CatScratch Club on the marquee above the doors. "Well she did say she worked at a club. Should we go in and check it out?" I ask Jasper.

Jasper agrees with me and we head inside, but when we enter, we see that while this place is a club, it's not the kind of club I would have ever expected Bella to work at. All I can do is turn and look at Jasper who has a look of shock on his face that I'm sure can match my own. When I can finally say something again, all I say is "Jazz, what happened to Bella that she's working here?" Jasper doesn't answer; I think he's still in shock.

As I look around, I can't figure for the life of me why Bella would work here. The place is a dive. Creepy and dirty looking men of all ages are sitting at tables getting lap dances, girls are in cages dancing in outfits that I wouldn't dare call underwear, and there is a girl on stage grabbing money offered by men in the audience as she walks off stage, clearly having just finished stripping for them. Just then a girl who says her name is Brees and is wearing nothing but a thong comes up to me and Jasper and offers us a table near the stage. Not sure as what else to do, we follow her to the table and take our seats.

After Bree leaves us, I turn to Jasper. "Maybe she's just a waitress or a bartender?" I hope that's all she is because the alternative is not something I want to consider. Jasper can see my worry on my face, and kisses me gently on the cheek to try to calm me. "I hope so Darlin' and as much as I wish that was true, I checked the bar on the way to the table, she wasn't back there." Just as I'm about to say something, a voice comes over the speakers and I hear it say "And now, put your hands together for the beautiful Bella…"

**A/N: So now we know what Bella does for a living and Alice and Jasper do too. Up next, we'll see how Bella deals with Alice and Jasper knowing where she works, and we'll find out a little bit more of what happened to her during the five years after Edward left. I've noticed I'm getting a good number of people reading the story, but only a few reviews. Please let me know what you thought of the chapter and review, if you do I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up sometime between Tuesday and Wednesday of next week. Also, I'll be starting to post pictures and such for this story on my profile soon so be sure to check those out once they are up! **

**Thanks for reading!**

Insidethe CatScratch Club


	4. Out Tonight

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I wish it was, but it's not. How do I know? I know because if it was mine then I would have made Rob take me to the Golden Globes as his date. What is mine however is my copy of The Second Short Life of Bree Tanner. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: Hope everyone enjoyed the last chapter…Bella's being sneaky with the Cullens. Let's see how long she can keep all her secrets hidden. We got to see Bella interact with Alice and Jasper a bit. The big question now is how will Bella handle Alice and Jasper knowing what she does for a living. I'm not the greatest at describing things like dancing like a stripper or pole dancing, but will give it my best shot. I've started a blog for this story where I'll be posting teasers, pictures, music, and videos that apply to each chapter. The song/dance for Bella for this chapter is up on there now, so be sure to check it out. The link to the blog is on my profile, and a big thank you to everyone who reviewed last chapter!**

**Chapter 4: Out Tonight**

**Song: Out Tonight (RENT soundtrack)**

***BPOV***

I get back to the club, and I can already tell that some of the girls were surprised to see me there. They all knew I was already done for the night so I really had no reason to be back. I head straight towards Riley's office and knock on his door. I hear Riley say "Enter" and so I do. He's surprised to see me too, I can tell by the look on his face.

"Bella, I thought you were done for the night. What are you doing back here?" Riley asks. His voice is calm, which is good. Usually I can tell when he's upset, his voice gets a tense sound to it and when he's in a mood like that which is more often than not, the smart thing to do is to just steer clear of him. I look at Riley and he's looking at me expectantly and I realize he's waiting for an answer to his question, which leaves me stammering, because while I know I need to ask Riley if I can crash here for tonight, I just don't have a clue how to ask. It also doesn't help that my latest fix is still running strong so it's a little difficult for me to formulate what I want to say.

"Oh…um…I um…I got kicked out of my apartment," I say, as I look down at my hands and pick at my nails. I really need to take better care of them; they are all ragged and chipped. Customers won't like that.

"I see" says Riley, "But I fail to understand how that is any concern of mine." A smile crosses his face as he answers me. God he is such a mean son of a bitch. He knows I have nowhere to go, and he knows what I'm going to ask. He wouldn't be smiling if he didn't; now it's a question of what he's going to make me do so I can get what I want. Last time I needed something from him, I had to agree to let him have an hour with me in one of the private rooms in the back of the club. I'm not proud of it, but I don't exactly care either. When you're like me and have no one left who cares about you, you'll get desperate fast and agree to just about anything to get what you need.

"Well Riley, I was wondering if it would be ok for me to just crash here at the club tonight. I'm going to sort out everything with my apartment tomorrow, so I just need a place for tonight."

"I'll tell you what Bella" Riley says. "If you agree to go back on tonight and do another set and an hour in one of the private rooms with a customer afterwards, you can crash here. What do you say?"

He's quiet after that, waiting for my answer again. I think for a minute, but it's an easy decision. If that's all he's going to ask me for, I'll agree to it without a problem. I'd rather deal with a customer in one of the rooms that Riley himself. He can get a bit too out there at times, especially if he's going in right off of a fix. "Sure Riley, it's no problem at all. I'm just gonna go back and get ready. Can you tell the DJ I'm doing my Out Tonight number, so I'll only need the instrumental track and that I'll take care of the microphone myself."

"Ok Bella. You're on in about ten minutes so get ready quick." I nod letting Riley know I heard him, and rush to the back to get ready. When I get to my area in the back I check my hair and makeup and thankfully everything is still ok from my performance earlier in the evening. I grab my clothes that I need out of my drawer, strip and throw on my fish nets, thong, garter and bra. Then I hook up the wireless microphone onto the inside of my bra and cover myself in my black robe and finally put on my black lace gloves. I love these gloves. They make my job a bit easier – they are like a small barrier between me and the guys who come to this place. They make me feel like I'm not really touching them when I'm out there dancing.

I go into one of my other drawers and pull out a bottle of vodka and a shot glass. I down three shots in a row – my usual pre-performance ritual – to help calm my nerves before I go out on stage. I check the time on the clock and head towards the stage and go up to the second level entrance and wait for my turn to perform. Thoughts of Alice, Jasper and all the Cullens are still floating through my head, but I shake them away, trying to focus on what I need to do right now, although I can't help wondering what they would think if they knew how I made money these days. Then again, if they knew what I spent my money on, they probably wouldn't be too happy either. I clear my thoughts again as I hear the DJ announce "And now, put your hands together for the beautiful Bella." I wait for the lights to dim and I step onto the stage and wait for the music to start.

The music starts and I hear all the guys scream as I grind against the pole that is next to me and then walk towards the staircase that will lead me to the main stage below. I strip my robe off of me and toss it to the side of the stage as I start to sing.

_What's the time?  
Well, it's gotta be close to midnight  
My body's talking to me  
It says, 'time for danger'_

I start swaying my hips suggestively as I run my hands up and down my body and start to go down the stairs.

_It says 'I wanna commit a crime  
Wanna be the cause of a fight  
Wanna put on a tight skirt and flirt  
with a stranger"  
I've had a knack from way back  
At breaking the rules once I learn the games  
Get up - Life's too quick  
I know someplace sick  
Where this chick'll dance in the flames_

I use the pole to my right and twirl around it and let some of the guys slip me some money before I head back to the center of the stage and start dancing and letting the guys see what they came here for.

_We don't need any money  
I always get in for free  
You can get in too  
If you get in with me  
Let's go out tonight  
I have to go out tonight  
You wanna play?  
Let's run away  
We won't be back  
Before it's NewYears Day  
Take me out tonight… Meow_

I step off the stage and start going to different tables, straddling the guys, grinding myself on then, and putting my chest in their faces.

_When I get a wink from the doorman  
Do you know how lucky you'll be?  
That you're on line with the feline of  
Avenue B  
Let's go out tonight  
I have to go out tonight  
You wanna prowl  
Be my night owl?  
Well take my hand we're gonna howl  
Out tonight_

I head back onto the stage and start doing tricks on the pole. I hear the guys start to go crazy as I twirl, and slide down the pole with my legs completely spread apart.

_In the evening I've got to roam  
Can't sleep in the city of neon and chrome  
Feels too damn much like home  
When the Spanish babies cry_

As soon as I finish my trick though I swear my heart almost stops. There sitting right in front of the stage are Alice and Jasper. I should have known not to trust them. They probably followed me here. I don't have time to worry about it and decide fuck it, if they want to know me and what I do so badly then I'll give them a good show to let them know. I walk down to the tables again and head straight for where Alice and Jasper are sitting. I straddle Jasper and start grinding on him and then Alice, a smirk crossing my face as I see the looks of complete shock on their faces.

_So let's find a bar  
So dark we forget who we are  
And all the scars from the  
Nevers and maybes die  
Let's go out tonight  
Have to go out tonight  
You're sweet  
Wanna hit the street?  
Wanna wail at the moon like a cat in heat?  
Just take me out tonight_

I head back on stage to finish my number, dancing suggestively as I make my way to the back of the stage and letting the guys I pass along the way slip more money into my fishnets and my thong.

_Please take me out tonight  
Don't forsake me - out tonight  
I'll let you make me - Out tonight  
Tonight - Tonight – Tonight_

Once I'm off the stage I can still hear the guys cheering and I hear the DJ announce "Bella will be available for an hour in a private room for more intimate entertainment. If you are interested in spending time with Bella please see Riley by the door to the left of the stage to make arrangements." I head straight to the private room that I usually use and wait to see who I will be entertaining tonight.

A few minutes later, I hear Riley's usual knock on the door and tell him to come in. This is his usual routine. He always stops in to let us girls know who we'll be taking care of in the private rooms before the customer comes in just so that we get a heads up.

"Ok Bella, tonight you have a double for the hour. Two customers – said they just wanted some company. I think they'll probably just want you to dance some more, but you know the drill, whatever the customer wants the customer gets. They paid a pretty penny for this hour so make sure they leave happy."

I sigh as Riley goes through his usual speech with me. It's not unusual for two people to come in together, half the time, guys can't afford the hour on their own so they split it with a friend. "I know Riley, don't worry, I'll make sure they leave happy." Riley nods once and leaves, shutting the door behind him, and I wait for my customers to come in.

No more than five minutes later the door opens, and my customers enter the room shutting the door behind them. I have my back to the door so I don't see who they are when they first come in, but as soon as I see who it is, I realize I should have known who my customers were going to be.

"Alice, Jasper…what in the fuck are you doing here?"

***APOV***

As soon as Bella's name is announced I look at Jasper and I'm sure that the same look of shock that is on his face is plastered across mine. We can do nothing but watch as Bella dances and flaunts everything for the men who are in the club tonight. I can't help but feel ashamed for her, and I realize just how much Bella has changed. She's not the shy, innocent, clumsy Bella that we all knew in Forks anymore, and now I'm almost afraid to find out just how much she has changed over the years because I can tell that this job isn't the only thing she was trying to hide from me and Jasper when we saw her earlier.

I turn to Jasper and whisper "I just hope she doesn't notice us here. You know she'll flip if she finds out we followed her." Jasper nods in agreement, but apparently my hoping doesn't do any good because I can tell that Bella noticed me and Jasper. She walks over to us and both mine and Jasper's jaws must hit the floor when she first straddles Jasper and starts giving him a lap dance and then does the same to me.

Finally Bella's dance is over and as she leaves the stage we hear the same voice who announced Bella speak again saying "Bella will be available for an hour in a private room for more intimate entertainment. If you are interested in spending time with Bella please see Riley by the door to the left of the stage to make arrangements." I don't even need to ask Jasper, he grabs my hand and we rush over to where this Riley person is.

"Hi, are you Riley? We're looking for some company this evening, nothing too crazy, and would like to buy the hour with Bella in the private room." Jasper says.

Riley smiles and nods and says "Are you sure you want the whole hour? For two people the price goes up. The hour will cost you $1000."

"That's fine" Jasper says as he smiles. "We can give it to you in cash. Is that ok for you?" I try to keep from laughing because I can tell by Riley's face that he wasn't expecting us to be able to pay.

As he tries to regain his composure he stammers "Uh…um…yeah, I mean, yes of course. That would be perfectly fine. If I can just receive your payment, I will bring you back to the room where Bella is waiting."

Jasper hands the cash over to Riley and then we make our way down to the room. Riley stops us before we go in and says "Let me just go and make sure that Bella is ready for you" before he disappears inside the room. A few minutes later, he reemerges from the room and says "Bella is yours for the next hour. Enjoy your time with her" and walks away down the hall.

Nervously, I turn the door knob and Jasper and I go into the room, which basically looks like a smaller version of the club with tables, chairs, and of course the requisite pole. Bella has her back to us, as Jasper shuts the door, she turns to face us. I brace myself for whatever she is about to say, knowing full well she's probably not going to be too happy about seeing us.

"Alice, Jasper…what in the fuck are you doing here?" Bella shouts and I flinch as I hear the anger in her voice.

Jasper tries calming Bella down, but it doesn't seem to work completely, so I try talking to her. "Bella please, don't be angry. It's just been so long since we've seen you and we miss you so much. We just wanted to see where you worked and now Bella…what's happened to you? You've changed so much."

As soon as the words leave my mouth and I see the look on Bella's face, I know I shouldn't have asked the question the way I did.

I can see Bella shaking as she tries to control her emotions as she spins and yells at me "Really Alice, I've changed? What does it matter to you, and please don't expect me to fall for that we miss you crap. Your brother made it abundantly clear to me that I wasn't good enough for him and left me without even a second glance, and you all clearly agreed because you just up and left without so much as one word. No explanation, not even a goodbye. So you don't get to question how I live my life now Alice." Just as I think she's done and I get ready to respond she whips around and starts yelling at Jasper too.

"And you Jasper. Don't think I don't know what you're doing. Cut the emotional control shit or I swear by all that's good and holy I will take a torch to your ass!" Jasper just nods and backs away towards the door.

I take this as my chance to respond. "Bella, we're sorry, really. We didn't want to leave you, but we had no choice. Edward made us agree to go and leave you alone. He said it was better that way. I'm worried about you Bella; you shouldn't be working in a place like this. I know you lost your apartment today, why don't you come stay with us, or if you don't feel comfortable with that, let us get you a hotel room to stay in for a while."

I'm praying Bella believes what I'm telling her, I know she needs help, and she needs to talk to Edward so they can sort out the mess that he created. But as soon as Bella speaks again, I know we're not going to make any progress tonight. She's still far too angry about everything.

"Look Alice, I appreciate the concern, but really, this is my life. I decide what I do with it. So spare me the judgmental bullshit and just go. I don't need this, especially from you" is all Bella says as she opens the door to the room and walks out, leaving me and Jasper standing there feeling worse than we have since we first had to leave Bella.

Riley


	5. Scars

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I wish it was, but it's not. How do I know? I know because if it was mine then I would have made Rob reenact that first still of Edward and Bella from the honeymoon with me. What is mine however is my Target Special Edition DVD of Eclipse. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: Hope everyone enjoyed the last chapter…I was nervous about writing Bella's dance scene and I hope I did ok. I want to thank all of you who are reading my story and especially those of you sending in reviews. I really enjoy getting to hear what you think of the story. So last chapter we got to see a bit of a confrontation between Bella and Alice and Jasper. Now let's see how the rest of that confrontation turns out. **

**Chapter 5: Scars**

**Song: Scars by Papa Roach**

***BPOV***

"Look Alice, I appreciate the concern, but really, this is my life. I decide what I do with it. So spare me the judgmental bullshit and just go. I don't need this, especially from you" is all I say to Alice and Jasper as I storm out of the room. I can feel my heart racing, I haven't had to deal with any of the emotions or pain that had to do with Edward and the Cullens leaving in so long, and I don't know how to handle it now. I run into the back of the club and grab my bottle of vodka, not even bothering with a glass, I take the cap off and just start chugging it straight from the bottle.

I stop drinking only because I need to take a breath and then I realize I have to go back into the room whether I like it or not. If Riley finds out I walked out on a client…I don't even want to think about what would happen. I take another huge swig of the vodka to try to help calm myself down and walk back towards the room, praying that Alice and Jasper didn't leave, letting Riley know that I walked out on them.

I grasp the door handle, and take a deep breath as I walk in, and relax as I see the two of them sitting on one of the couches in the room. They just look up and stare at me when I walk back in. I can tell that Jasper has been trying to calm Alice down and despite how much they may have hurt me, I feel slightly bad, knowing that it was probably my words that made her so upset. "Um...I'm sorry I walked out. You guys paid for an hour, and I'll honor that. I'm yours for the next 60 minutes." It's all I can think of to say to try to break the awkward silence in the room.

Surprisingly, it's Jasper who speaks up next. "We appreciate that Bella, and we're sorry too. We shouldn't have followed you but you have to understand, we haven't seen you in five years and then to see you – today of all days – and have you run off so quickly, we just wanted to see that you were all right. I'm not going to sit and pretend and say that I understand why you are working here or what has happened in your life since we left, but I will ask that you at least let us explain our side, and then if you want to, maybe you would be willing to tell us yours."

To say I was caught off guard by what Jasper said would be an understatement. I think in the statement he just made he's said more to me than all of the time that I spent around him back in Forks put together. Jasper was always the quiet one who observed everyone and everything, and for him to say what he did, especially to me, considering what ended up happening on my eighteenth birthday, well it's enough to make me agree to hear them out. That, and maybe its seeing them again on my birthday or hearing them say that they miss me, or maybe it's just the vodka and my last fix clouding my judgment but I realize in this moment, looking at Alice and Jasper, just how alone I am and just how badly I don't want to be alone anymore – not that I'm saying I'm looking to go run back to Edward and beg him for a second chance, but it might be nice to have some people around me again.

I nod thoughtfully as I consider what Jasper has said and say "Ok, I'll listen to what you have to say. But you have to promise me, no lies – no lying about anything. If I ask questions about something I want the truth, and if I say I don't want to know about something, you need to respect my decision." My reasoning here being, I don't know what Edward has been up to, and I don't know how much I want to know or can handle knowing about his life now, and this is my own little safety line to keep myself from finding out things I don't need to know.

Alice looks up at me, and I can see that she's much more relaxed now that I've agreed to stay and listen. She smiles slightly as she agrees to what I've said. "Ok Bella…umm…I uh, well, where do you want me to start? What do you want to know?" I'm not quite sure how to answer her question. I figured she would just tell me what they've been up to. All I can think to say is "Uh…well, why don't you start at the beginning – with when you all left Forks." As I answer her, I go over to the bar in the room and grab a bottle of vodka and a glass, I'm sure I'll need it before the hour is over.

"Ok Bella, um, why don't you sit and get comfortable while we talk." I nod in agreement and take a seat in one of the chairs that are across from the couch that Alice and Jasper are sitting in and put the bottle of vodka in my lap. "Go ahead Alice, I'm listening."

"Well, after your birthday party, Edward changed. He started to shut himself off from the family. No matter what we tried he wouldn't listen to us. We all tried explaining that everything was fine and what happened was just an accident. Jasper spent hours trying to apologize, but Edward wouldn't listen. Then he called a family meeting saying he was going to leave you and that he wanted us all to leave Forks, to cut off all contact with you. He convinced himself that removing us from your life was the best thing to do. None of us wanted to agree to it, not even Rosalie. I especially knew what he was doing was a mistake, but no matter what he said, he wouldn't listen.

"Carlisle finally agreed to go along with it, saying that if this is what Edward really wanted he would agree. We were all upset, but we agreed. Edward is our brother, and we knew we had to support his decision, no matter how big a mistake we thought he was making. We wanted to at least say goodbye, but Edward said it would be easier for us to just go, and to make a clean break from you. So we left and we spent the next two years up in Alaska with the Denali's."

As I listen to what Alice says, the anger I feel towards the Cullen's starts to lessen, as I realize it was Edward behind all of this all along, that it was Edward who took away everything that was important to me, I continue thinking about this as Alice goes on with her story.

"After Alaska, we never really spent too much time in any one place, we moved around after six months or so. None of us felt like we had found a home, not like we had back in Forks. We never wanted to leave you Bella. None of us did. You're a part of the family and we love you. I understand if you can't forgive us or just don't want to…" Alice trails off, and I can tell she's done talking, and is looking at me for my reaction to everything she's told me.

"You should have stayed then. Everything would have been different if you had just stayed. You all had a choice to make. You all spoke of me being a member of the family but not once in any of what happened did you treat me like one. For the longest time I prayed and hoped and wished that you would all come back. I thought for so long how easy it would have been to just have you all back, but now…I don't know anymore…I…I think it might just be too late" I know I'm being a bitch by saying that and I don't even look at Alice and Jasper as I say it. I'm too afraid of what I'll see on their face, I just play with the vodka bottle and then chug down the drink that's in the glass I'm holding.

I hear Alice's sob as she buries her chest into Jasper's chest and its hearing this that makes me remember just how alone I've felt, and realize that just maybe they are feeling the same. Before I even notice what I'm doing I'm sitting on the couch and offering Alice a hug. As she hugs me, I hear Alice saying "We're so sorry, we're sorry, please just give us a chance to fix this, I don't want to lose my sister again." As soon as I hear Alice call me her sister, the dam breaks and my own tears start streaming down my face leaving black streaks across my face from my makeup running.

I pull myself away from Alice after a minute and clear my throat trying to get my emotions in check before I speak again. "I'm not saying I forgive you guys for everything. I'm still angry and hurt, and that's going to take time for me to deal with and get over…but…I want you guys around, I don't want to be alone anymore."

I swear the squeal Alice lets out when I say this is so high pitched that only dogs could hear it. She starts jumping around the room, clearly excited and says "Oh Bella the family is going to be so excited to have you back, and now you don't have to work _here_ anymore!"

As soon as the words are out of her mouth, I can already see she's getting way to involved way too fast. I need to put the brakes on before this gets out of hand. "Alice, stop! If I'm going to agree to this – to letting you guys back in my life – then there have to be rules. I need you to respect my rules. I'm too afraid of what will happen if you don't." Alice stops flitting around the room and looks appropriately ashamed. "I'm sorry Bella, I know I need to respect boundaries, and I promise to try harder. I promise to respect your rules too."

I smile a little, knowing how Alice just can't help herself sometimes and say "Ok. These rules are not up for debate. This is how I need it to be for me to start letting you back into my life. I'm not saying these rules are permanent, but they are what I need right now. Rule number one – Edward is not to know about me. I don't care what you have to do, but I don't want him knowing I'm back in your lives. I won't be able to handle having him back in mine right now. Rule number two – You are not to tell the rest of the family about where I work. Rule number three – I will not be quitting my job here or having you pay my way in the world. I make ends meet just fine, and I will not have you commenting on how I live my life."

I look at Alice and she seems ok with everything until I get to rule number three. I see she's about to say something but I cut her off "Alice this is how it has to be. If you want me back in your lives, these are my conditions, take them or leave them, but I won't change my mind on this." Alice just stares at me after I say this, and we kind of just have a stare down for a good three minutes before she realizes I meant what I said about not changing my mind." Sighing, she says "Fine Bella, I don't necessarily like it, but ok. I'd agree to just about anything to have you back in the family."

I look at the clock above the doorway and realize their hour is almost up. "Listen guys, your hour is just about up and I know you were hoping to hear my side of things, so why don't we meet up on Wednesday at Wilson Street Park around noon?"

Alice is starting to bounce again from her excitement, so Jasper stands and wraps his arms around her to try to keep her still. As he stands he says "That would be great Bella. We'll see you then." He nods his head to me as a way of saying goodbye and then they leave the room. I hear them walking down the hall and then I hear Riley's voice "I hope you two enjoyed your time here with Bella." I peek out the door and see Alice stifle a laugh as Jasper says "Yes we did. It was the most enjoyable time we've had for quite a while." As soon as he gives his response, Jasper takes Alice by the hand and leads her toward the exit.

I look at the clock and realize how late it is, so I head back to my dressing area and change into some yoga pants, a tank top, and grab my kit before heading back to the private room I was in to sleep for the night. As soon as I'm in my clothes, I reach for my kit. My hands are starting to shake, and I know I need a fix bad, not because my last one is wearing off, but the emotional toll from tonight's events are just too much for me to deal with right now. I go through the routine as fast as I can and before I know it, the needle is in between my toes, and I'm injecting the liquid into my system. I sigh in relief as I feel the drug take over and relax in knowing that now, for a few hours at least, I can forget everything as I drift off to sleep.

**A/N: So now Alice and Jasper have told Bella their side of the story, but if you really read what they said, they never mentioned how Edward still loves Bella. This is important and will play a role in the story later. Poor Bella is still struggling with how to cope with emotions and is turning to some not so healthy options to just block everything out. And even though she's agreed to start letting the Cullen's back into her life, don't think she's just gone and forgiven them, she hasn't there is still a lot of work that has to be done to repair all of those relationships. Up next, we'll see how the Cullens react to finding out about Alice and Jasper finding Bella…should be an interesting conversation**

The private room


	6. Dirty Little Secret

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I wish it was, but it's not. How do I know? I know because if it was mine then I would be sharing a room with Rob in Baton Rouge right now while he's filming Breaking Dawn. What is mine however is my Twilight t shirt that I bought at Hot Topic. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: Hope everyone enjoyed the last chapter…Bella's starting to open up a little to Alice and Jasper, and is considering opening up a bit to the rest of the Cullens. Now let's see how our favorite vampire family reacts to the news that Alice has to tell them. **

**Chapter 6: Dirty Little Secret**

**Song: Dirty Little Secret by All American Rejects**

***APOV***

I wrapped my arms around Jasper as we left the club and headed home. Leaving Bella there was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. She didn't belong in a place like that. Bella belonged at home with the rest of the family. I know she needs help… a lot of it, and I can tell she won't ask. She thinks she can take care of everything herself but she can't – she just hasn't realized it yet. I wanted more than anything to tell her that she needed to just let us take care of her and help her fix everything, but from what I was able to see of Bella's future, taking that course of action with her would have just made her run, and I don't know if we'd ever find her again if she ran.

Jasper must have sensed how I was feeling because he just hugged me and said "I know." Looking up at him I ask "Know what?" We stop walking and he places his hands on either side of my face to make sure we are making eye contact.

"I know how hard it is for you to leave Bella back at that place. How hard it is going to be to try to fix everything between her and the family, and especially how hard it is going to be to get everyone to agree to keep this from Edward."

At the mention of Edward all I could do was sigh. I don't know how we are all going to keep this from him – damn mind reading vampire – I just hope we can, because if he finds out about Bella before she's ready to confront him…well, let's just say it will complicate things.

"Jazz, I just hope everything goes the way it needs to, I've seen what happens if it doesn't and it's not anything I want to think about any time soon." Shaking the thought out of my head I give Jasper a quick kiss as I tug on his hand, signaling him to start walking again.

"Anyway, we should get home, I know that everyone is going to be wondering where we are."

The rest of the walk home is made without either me or Jasper saying anything and before I know it we're walking through the front door of the house. I can hear Carlisle up in his study, but Emmett, Rosalie, and Esme are sitting around the living room. By the looks on all of their faces, I can tell that today has been just as hard for all of them to deal with – we're all especially missing Bella today. Only Esme looks up when we walk in, and she tries to give us a small smile. "Alice, Jasper. Where have you two been? I figured you two would just come home after your classes." The strain in Esme's voice is evidence enough of how hard today has been for her. On some level I wish we had just gone back to our apartment so we could avoid everyone else's pain, but I couldn't keep the news of finding Bella to myself.

I inwardly smile a bit, knowing that as difficult as a secret as this is going to be for us all to keep, I know that what I have to tell them all is going to make them all happy. "Is Edward home?" I ask. I need to make sure he isn't before we could have this conversation. Even if he couldn't read our minds, our hearing is way too sensitive for us to have this discussion with him in the house. Esme just shakes her head as she answers "No, he came home after class to drop off the car, but said he just needed to be alone today. He said he probably wouldn't be back until tomorrow. Why do you ask?"

"Ok, that's good. We need to have a family meeting guys, and it's not that I want to exclude Edward, I just don't have a choice, I have to. What I have to talk to you about is something Edward can't know about. At least not yet anyway." Now everyone except Jasper is looking at me, clearly wondering what I'm talking about. I look to the stairs and see Carlisle coming down them to join us, since he obviously heard me talking about the need for a family meeting.

I can see the look of apprehension on his face at the mention of keeping secrets from Edward. "Alice, you know we don't keep secrets in this family. And when it comes to Edward, you know better than anyone that it's almost impossible to keep them from him." As he says this, Carlisle moves directly into the dining room, the place where we always have our family discussions and sits down. The rest of us join him and as soon as we're all seated I address his concern. "I know Carlisle but please, this is really important to all of us, and I've seen what happens if Edward finds out before he's supposed to. It could destroy everything." I look at the rest of my family praying that they will all understand. "Just hear me and Jasper out. That's all I ask. Let us explain everything before you ask us questions, and we'll go from there."

Jasper wraps his arm around my shoulder and gives me a little squeeze – his quiet way of letting me know he's there for me. I look at the rest of my family, and wait for their decision, finally its Carlisle who gives me an answer "Alright we'll listen, and then we'll go from there." I look at Esme, Emmett and Rosalie, and see them nodding in agreement with Carlisle. I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding and try to find a way to start.

"Ok, um...well, after class today Jasper and I decided to just go walk around town. We figured we may as well see what's around here since we're planning on being here for a while. I guess we lost track of where we were walking and um…well ah…you see, well the next thing you know, we were in front of this apartment building and well…um…" I just trail off as I stutter over my own words because I don't know how to just make myself say the next part. Thankfully Jasper comes to my rescue and handles it for me. "WefoundBella." He says so quickly I don't know if the rest of the family was able to understand him.

"What did you just say Jasper?" Emmett asks. I can tell he's starting to get antsy about the whole discussion and just wants to know what's going on. I give Jasper a quick look to let him know I'm ok to go on and continue explaining everything and then turn to Emmett to answer him.

"He said, we found Bella." As soon as I finish the sentence I can hear the gasps of surprise from everyone in the room. "This is what you want to keep from Edward, Alice" Emmett grits through his teeth. "You know how depressed he's been, he should know. We can't keep this from him." I can hear Emmett's voice rising as he says this and I know he's just concerned for his brother. I look quickly at everyone else and I can already tell that they are agreeing with what Emmett said.

I need to get control of this situation fast, I realize, so I continue to explain everything to them. "Guys, I know Edward would love to know that we found Bella, especially since she's living not more than 20 minutes from here. But we can't. She's in a really bad place right now. She has so much anger and is so hurt. It took everything Jasper and I could think of to just get her to agree to talk to us, let alone get her to agree to eventually seeing you guys. This isn't about me and what I think needs to happen. She asked me this. She doesn't want Edward knowing that she's around."

As I say this I can see disbelieving looks on everyone's faces, but no one says anything so I continue. "Bella needs a lot of help to try to fix everything that's going on in her life right now, most of which she hasn't even told me yet but from what I can tell, she's all on her own now. She's upset with all of us. The whole family, but she said that if she was going to try to work things out with us, but she needs us to respect her wishes about things, and right now she feels like she can't handle dealing with Edward. Please you guys, I've seen what happens if Edward finds out too soon. She'll run, and I don't think we'll find her again if she does."

"As much as I would love to tell him this right now, I promised we wouldn't. She isn't ready for him to know yet, let alone ready to deal with seeing him again." I said hoping that they would understand. It's Esme who speaks first, and even though I know it's only because of her concern for her son, I'm taken aback by the undertone of anger in her voice. "That wasn't your promise to make. How do we keep this from him? He has a right to know." Just then we all turned as we heard the footsteps coming into the room and hear him ask "Who has a right to know what?"

***EPOV***

I had spent the better part of today alone; I needed to because I just couldn't deal with being near my family today. After class I returned the car to the house only to leave again and run. I didn't have anywhere I was planning on going, but the feel of the wind in my hair as I ran was a small comfort as my memories of my time with Bella flooded my mind. Eventually I turned around and realized I needed to return to the house. As I walked in, I could hear everyone in the dining room so I headed over when I heard Esme say "He has a right to know." I figured they were talking about me again. They always did at least once a month, I knew how worried about me they all were from my thoughts, and I figured that today they would be even more so.

I knew they all realized I was there, so I decided to ask "Who has a right to know what?" My suspicions about them all talking about me were all but confirmed as all of them started to hide their thoughts and exchange nervous glances with each other. It was Alice who finally decided to answer me when she said "Oh, um, I decided to try using a private investigator again to see if we could find anything about Bella. I just didn't want to mention it to you in case nothing comes up." I nod my head in response, but I can tell she's lying. They all are hiding something but I honestly couldn't care less about it. Unless they are going to tell me that they found Bella, it didn't matter to me. "Oh, ok Alice. It'll probably just be a waste again. None of the others found anything" is all I have to say.

I glance up into the mirror that's hanging on the wall behind the dining room table and notice just how black my eyes are. Its then I realize that I can't even remember the last time I went to hunt. I probably should, and since I really don't feel like staying around the house right now I decide now is a good time to go. "I'm going to go hunt. It's been a while so I probably won't be home until tomorrow."

As I turn to walk back out of the house, I hear Jasper. "You mind if I come with you" he asks. I shake my head and say "No, if you want you can come." He just nods and we leave the house shutting the door behind us. As much as I want to be alone, if I had to have one of my siblings with me, I'm glad it's Jasper. He won't push me to talk. He'll just let me be.

***APOV***

I'm glad I was able to think fast and come up with that excuse about the investigator. Although I'm sure Edward knows something is going on, I don't think he cares enough to try to find out. The truth is that he's stopped caring pretty much about everything and it just makes me sad. I miss my brother and I hope we'll get him back soon, provided everything goes the way it needs to. I'm also glad that Jasper thought quickly enough to go with Edward, at least then we'll have a heads up about when he's heading home.

As soon as I hear the front door shut behind them, I'm brought out of my thoughts by what Emmett has to say. "This isn't something we can just keep hidden Ali. Edward is going to find out. Have you thought about how he'll react when he does? And besides, Bella is not some dirty little secret that we can just sweep under the rug and hide. She's part of this family. We don't do that to family."

Emmett's hands are shaking as he tries to keep himself under control, but I understand how he feels. Bella was his little sister, and it killed him when we had to leave her. "Emmett I know how you feel, and I don't like this either, but would you have rather have had me just let Bella walk away?" I'm getting so frustrated by this entire discussion. It's not going how I hoped it would, and I'm afraid of what can happen if we don't come to some sort of an agreement. It's when Rosalie speaks that I'm totally shocked by what she has to say.

"Alice is right. If Bella doesn't want Edward to know, then we need to respect her needs and her wishes. We owe her that much at least, considering we never did that when it came to leaving Forks. I know we all did that because Edward is our family and we needed to support him, but Bella is our family too, and we ignored her last time and from what Alice has to say, our decision to leave caused more damage that we thought. We have to try to make this right, and if that means keeping this from Edward, then so be it."

No one said anything after Rosalie finished speaking, I think we were all a little surprised to hear that come from her. We all knew that despite how she acted towards Bella, she still thought of her as a sister, and missed her terribly after we left. She just wasn't the one who let it show most of the time. I guess what Rose had to say is what everyone needed to hear because the next thing I know, the rest of the family is agreeing to keep quiet about Bella.

"Ok, Alice, we'll agree to this. I just hope this works out for all of us" says Carlisle. I look at Esme and Emmett and they nod in agreement. As I look at them, I can see that they are happy about having found Bella. The sadness that was in their eyes these past few years has lessened. "Hey Alice?" Esme asks me. "When are we going to get to see Bella?" I can see the hope on her face that it will be soon, but even I don't know for sure, so I tell her what I do know. "I'm not exactly sure yet Esme, but it'll be soon. Jasper and I are supposed to meet up with her later this week. She wants to talk to us about some things from her past. I promise I'll bring it up when we see her."

Carlisle finally brings up the one key point we haven't addressed yet when he asks "Ok, so who has a plan to keep Edward from finding out?" I know that none of us really have any great ideas on the matter so I offer up the only one I can think of. "I think the best thing we can do right now is just keep hiding our thoughts about all of this. It should work. Edward has retreated so far into himself I don't think he'll really notice anything and besides, he already knows we talk about him anyway when we get worried about him, so if we're just careful about our thoughts we should be ok."

"Ok Alice" says Carlisle. "I just hope you're right." I nod in agreement, thinking about how much I really hope I'm right too.

The Cullen House


	7. My Side of the Story

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I wish it was, but it's not. How do I know? I know because if it was mine then I would change the release date for Breaking Dawn Part 2 so we wouldn't have to wait so long after Part 1. What is mine however is my Twilight keychain. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: So last chapter we got to see the other Cullens come into the story a bit. I know Edward hasn't been seen much, but don't worry, we'll be seeing more of him in chapters to come. Don't forget to check out the blog for this story (link is on my profile) for pictures from this chapter – I've added pictures of the park where Bella meets up with Alice and Jasper as well as outfits for Bella, Alice, and Jasper for this chapter, and a picture of what Bella's landlord looks like.**

**Chapter 7: My Side of the Story**

**Song: My Side of the Story by Hodges**

***BPOV***

I wake up and glance at the clock above the door and see that its ten o'clock in the morning. I groan as I realize that I need to go deal with my asshole landlord today. Hopefully with the money I made from last night he'll let me back into the apartment. As I sit up, everything from my talk last night with Alice and Jasper comes flooding back into my head and I silently pray that agreeing to let them back into my life isn't a mistake, but then as I look around the room I'm in I realize my life really can't get any worse than it is now. I grab the half empty bottle of vodka off the table next to me and take a few good swigs before I get up and leave the room.

I head back to the dressing area where I usually get ready before work and grab some clothes from one of my drawers. Wanting to be comfortable, I throw on some yoga pants, a tank, and a hoodie. Tossing my wallet into the pocket of my hoodie, I walk out of the dressing area and head out of the club and back to my apartment, hoping that I'll still find my stuff there and that I'll have a place to live.

When I get to my apartment building, I breathe a sigh of relief. The boxes with my things are still there, then again, I don't have much so even if someone went through everything they probably didn't find anything worth taking. I decide to deal with my stuff after I speak to my landlord. I head inside and go straight to the building manager's office. When I walk inside, I see my landlord sitting behind his desk looking as disgusting as ever with his greasy hair and unshaven face. He gives me a knowing smile when he sees me, and it takes everything in me to hide the shiver that runs through me as I see the way he looks me up and down and checks me out.

"Bella" he says, "I had a feeling I'd be seeing you." I roll my eyes as I walk towards his desk and figure that it's best just to be direct with what I came here for. "Look, I just came here to find out what it's gonna cost for me to be able to get back into my apartment. I got paid last night and I can give you what I owe." For a moment, he doesn't say anything and just quietly chuckles.

"I don't know Bella. I mean, I don't really have any guarantee that you'll be able to keep up with the rent" he says as he stands up and leans against the wall next to me. "Unless you can think of some other way to guarantee I'll get what you owe me each month…" He trails off as he smirks and adjusts himself. I feel my hand clench into a fist, but I fight my urge to punch him in the face and keep my hand by my side. I know what he's implying, and I hate knowing that I just might agree to it because I am that damn desperate.

It's just as am about to agree to it, that I remember I'm supposed to meet up with Alice tomorrow, as much as I hate having to ask the Cullens for help, this is one time I'd rather just swallow what little of my pride that remains. I'd rather have to rough it on the streets for one night than have to deal with this sleezeball. "Fuck you asshole" is all I offer him as an answer before I turn around and walk out of the building as I hear him shout "That's fine Bella, sooner or later you'll be back here and I'll be waiting to collect what's owed me."

I rush down the steps and head over to where my stuff is. I find the box that has my duffel bag and my old backpack in it and use them to pack the rest of my things in. I stuff my clothes in the duffel and then take my few books that I still have, my letters I've written but never sent, and the few pictures I've managed to save from my old life and put them in my backpack. Once my things are packed, I head off in search of a place to just crash for the rest of the day.

As I'm walking around, I stop in the first open liquor store I find and buy a bottle of vodka to help get me through the day. As the day wears on, I find a fairly deserted alleyway and decide to just crash there. I people watch from my spot behind the dumpster and think about just how fucked my life is at this point and try to figure out how I'm going to handle tomorrow, telling Alice about what's happened with me. After a while, and about a third of the bottle of vodka, my emotions are getting to be too much so I take off my left shoe and take out my kit and go through my usual routine to get the fix that I need. A short while later, as I feel the drug coursing through my system and I've nearly finished the vodka bottle, I finally start to relax. Before I know it, I'm asleep.

I wake up the next day feeling like shit but that's nothing new, I'm used to it, it's what I know. Not really sure of what time it is, I figure that I might as well just head over to the park to wait for Alice and Jasper. Knowing today is going to be emotional doesn't appeal much to me, so I shoot up before I go to try to help myself keep calm. I pack up my things, grab my bags and head over to the park. When I get there I head over to an area of picnic tables that are surrounded by trees and wait for Alice and Jasper to show up.

A short while later, I see them walking towards the table. When they get to where I'm sitting I can see that they notice my bags, but they don't say anything about it, even though I can tell they want to. They sit down across the table from me, and then we all just sit there, none of us really knowing how to start the conversation.

It's Alice who breaks the silence. "You should know Bella, that I told the others we found you. We didn't tell Edward though. They would all like to be able to see you. If that's ok with you." I nod my head; I figured that she'd tell them, so it isn't really a surprise to hear this. "Maybe we'll set something up soon Alice. I'd really like to just see how today goes first." She doesn't say anything but just nods her head. It's quiet again for a minute and then Jasper says the last thing I thought he would say.

"You know Bella; we did go back to Forks looking for you. It was around seven months after we left. We decided to go back, but when we got there, no one knew where you were, not even Charlie. It was like you just vanished without a trace." I give him a pointed look after he says this, and I can tell he understands the irony in what he just said about my vanishing. I figure that this is as good a point as any to start telling them my story.

"You say you guys came back seven months after you left, and you're right no one knew where I was by that point. I was long gone from Forks at that point. I needed to just get away from all the reminders of everything. I needed to get away from what my life had become."

"How could you just leave like that though Bella? Weren't you worried about what that would do to Charlie?" Alice asks me. I can tell she's not being judgmental; she's just trying to figure everything out. "You need to understand Alice," I say as I force myself to look her in the eye. "Everything changed for me when you left. My whole life changed. I changed. There are things about me now that you don't know, things I don't know if I can ever tell anyone, things I'm not proud of. I'm not the person you knew back in Forks anymore. I lost the ability to be her the day I lost all of you, and I don't know how to even begin to try to find that person I used to be."

I can tell that neither of them were expecting to hear that from me by the looks on their faces – looks of some sort of combination of sadness, regret, and shock. They don't say anything, so I take that as my cue to continue with my story.

"After you all left, I was broken. I had completely and utterly fell apart. The first three months I was basically catatonic and just went through the motions of day to day life. Charlie eventually got fed up and wanted to send me to Jacksonville to live with my mom. I threw a fit and refused. I eventually got him to agree to let me stay in Forks. I was convinced that if I left, that I'd truly lose you all for good.

"Soon after that I started hanging out with Jake a lot. I had figured out that every time I did something dangerous, I would start hearing Edward's voice again. It was like he was back with me, even if it was just for a few moments. I couldn't let go of that." The look on Alice and Jasper's faces when I say that is priceless. I can tell that they don't know what to make of that tidbit of information, but don't say anything. I think they are afraid that if they start talking that I'll stop.

"Jake eventually figured out what I was doing after about a month. We were hanging out in my room and he must have found the journal I wrote in because we had a huge fight. He stormed out of the house and was ranting and raving about how he was pissed that I used him when all he had done was protect me by getting rid of Victoria. It caught me off guard when he mentioned her name and we got into a screaming match about it. I demanded that he explain what he meant by what he said and he refused, saying that he couldn't. I smacked him and next thing I knew Jake wasn't in front of me, but a huge wolf was."

Jasper interrupts me at this point and asks "Victoria came back for you?" I shake my head at the memory of her and explain. "Apparently Victoria was pissed about Edward killing James and wanted revenge. Jake and the rest of the pack managed to take her out one day when she was trying to find a way into Forks." Jasper just nods at my explanation, and I continue on with my story.

"The next day I went down to La Push to try to get an explanation out of Jake, but when he came out of his house he told me to go home and that we couldn't be friends anymore, that being friends with me wasn't worth it. Jake telling me that I wasn't worth it – telling me the same thing that Edward did before he left – that is what broke the few small pieces of my life that I had put back together. I had already lost all of you and now I had lost the one friend I had left."

"I stopped caring about everything at that point. My grades fell, and I was failing almost all of my classes. I'd go out with some of the boys who asked, but they were all looking for one thing, and I gave it to them. I knew none of them wanted anything else from me, so I figured I'd just go along with it. I started going to a lot of parties and drinking a lot. I was having trouble remembering Edward or hearing his voice anymore, and when I drank I was finally able to remember."

"It was a month after the fight with Jake that everything blew up. Charlie had gotten a call from the school saying that with how my grades were, I wouldn't be able to graduate. He already knew there was something going on with me, but every time he'd bring it up I'd just lock myself in my room or go out so I wouldn't have to deal with him. I got home a few minutes after Charlie had gotten the call and we got into a screaming match over it. He threated to send me to Jacksonville again, and I told him to fuck off. I stormed out of the house and drove off."

"The next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital. Apparently I went and drank myself stupid and managed to pass out outside The Lodge. Tyler Crowley called 911 when he found me because I was barely breathing. Charlie was pissed to say the least. A few days after that when they released me from the hospital Charlie brought me home, laying out all these rules that I had to follow. I agreed just so I wouldn't have to deal with an argument. When he left for work later that day, I packed my shit up, threw it in my truck and left Forks."

"When I left I had no clue where I was going. I spent some time in Seattle and Tacoma, and a bunch of other places before I ended up here. By the time I got here, I didn't want to remember Edward anymore. It just hurt too much to remember him and everything else that I lost as a result." I stop talking after that, not wanting to go further into detail about how I would make money or the habit that I've developed. Those are things I don't think they need to really know right now, or ever for that matter.

Alice and Jasper just stare at me, unsure of what to say. I start to get nervous, afraid that they are going to walk away or judge me because of what happened. Alice stands up and walks around to where I'm sitting. I hold my breath, bracing myself for what she is going to say, but all she does is hug me. As soon as her arms are around me, I break down and cry. I cry about it all, losing Edward, all the hurt I've caused, destroying my own life, the things I've done that I'm not proud of. I cry about all of it. Alice just holds me and tells me it's going to be ok. "Shhh. It's okay Bella. We're not going anywhere, and we're going to make sure you're ok too."

After a while I manage to stop crying and figure that it's now or never to ask Alice about helping me find a place to stay. "Um Alice, there is actually something I need your help with." She looks at me and smiles. The smile tells it all – stupid fortune telling vampire – she knows what I'm going to ask. "Of course Bella, anything you need." I sigh, knowing she's going to make me ask. "I know you know I got evicted from my apartment and well, I need a place to stay." The squeal that comes out of Alice's mouth at that moment could have been heard in outer space. She's jumping up and down from her excitement, and Jasper has to physically hold her to try to calm her down.

"Bella this is so exciting! I have the perfect plan" Alice says with a huge grin on her face. "You can come live with us!" The small smile that was forming on my face vanishes immediately. Moving in with the Cullens was not the perfect plan that I had in mind…what did I just get myself into?

**A/N: Now we know some of Bella's history. What do you all think of it? Sorry to cut the chapter there and not let you see Bella's reaction to what Alice suggested, but don't worry, you'll find out next time. Please let me know what you thought of the chapter and review, I love hearing from you guys when you let me know what you thought of the chapter. I read and respond to all of my reviews, and I promise that if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up sometime between Friday and Saturday. Also, don't forget to check out the blog for the story. The address for the blog is lvtwilight09(dot)blogspot(dot)com just be sure to put in the actual dots. The blog has pictures and such for this story and there is also a link to it on my profile.**

**Thanks for reading!**


	8. How to Save a Life

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I wish it was, but it's not. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: So last chapter Bella got caught off guard by Alice's offer. Let's see if Bella will agree to it or not. Don't forget to check out the blog for this story (link is on my profile) for pictures from this chapter – I've added pictures of the apartment. Thanks to everyone who's been reading and reviewing. Hearing what you all think of the story means the world to me and makes me even more excited to keep writing this story.**

**Chapter 8: How to Save a Life**

**Song: How to Save a Life by The Fray**

***APOV***

"Um Alice, there is actually something I need your help with" Bella asks. She looks so nervous about having to ask, and I know how hard it must be for her because she has been so used to being on her own for the past few years. I smile at her, because I know what she's going to ask, but I want her to ask me, she needs to start getting used to being able to ask for help when she needs it. "Of course Bella, anything you need" I say as I take hold of her hand. Bella sighs as she says "I know you know I got evicted from my apartment, and well, I need a place to stay." I can't help but get excited about her asking, especially because I know that in the end she'll agree to my plan, even though it might take some convincing. "Bella this is so exciting! I have the perfect plan" I say, "You can come live with us!"

The brief hint of a smile I see creeping across her face disappears as fast as it made its appearance. I immediately realize that she must think that I'm talking about moving in with all of us at the house, which would mean being around Edward. "Oh God, Bella, no that's not what I mean at all. I know you don't want Edward to know about you. What I meant was that you should come live with me and Jasper at our apartment."

I can see Bella's confused, so I continue to explain. "We don't always live together all the time. There have been times before where Rose and Emmett go off and do their own thing. Jasper and I decided we'd get our own apartment while we were here. It's not far from the house so we'll still be near the family, but far enough away that you wouldn't have to worry about seeing anyone you wouldn't want to. "

"Oh, um…I don't know Alice" Bella says. I know she's nervous about trusting us again, not that I can blame her for that. I know it's going to take time for us to fix things, but this might help us get back on the right path. I'm trying to think of the right words to say to get her to agree when Jasper speaks up.

"Look Bella, I know you don't totally trust us yet, and I understand that. All we're offering is a place for you to stay. Think of this as a peace offering of sorts. I would love it if you stayed with us, and I really think this could be a great way for us to try to work on fixing our relationship with you. Plus I know the rest of the family is dying to see you, and this will make it easier because they can come to you and you wouldn't have to worry about running into Edward all the time like you would if you were going over to the house. They've already said that they're willing to do whatever it takes to fix things with you. Just give us a chance Bella. We won't let you down again."

I look at Bella as Jasper say this, hoping that she knows that we're being honest with her here and telling her the truth. She doesn't say anything and just looks down at her hands, but I can tell she's trying to figure out what she should do. She's quiet for so long, and as much as I want to say something else, I don't want her to feel pressured so I just wait. Finally she looks back up to me and Jasper and says "Okay. I'll stay with you guys, but my rules still apply, and Alice, no makeovers from you unless I ask first. I know you well enough Alice, so I'm just going to assume you're moving me in today, so I'll just tell you now, its ok to have the family over this afternoon. I have work tonight, but I know they'll all want to know what's been going on with me and I think it's best if I just get all the majorly emotional stuff out of the way on the same day."

I am so happy when I hear Bella agree, that Jasper has to step in and try to control my emotions to stop me from causing a scene. I grab Bella's hand and say "Come on Bella, let's get you home. Jasper, grab her bags and then call the family to let them know to come over in about an hour or so."

***BPOV***

It's about an hour and a half after I agreed to move in with Alice and Jasper, and I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I'm not living in a rundown shit hole or on the streets anymore. The apartment that Alice and Jasper have is gorgeous to say the least. I can tell that Esme must have helped decorate. The living room, kitchen and dining room all have warm crème colored walls and hardwood floors that make me feel warm, safe, and at home. It's a feeling I haven't felt in I can't remember how long. The room Alice told me was mine takes my breath away. The walls, carpet, and bedding are all white, and there are accents of warm browns and reds throughout the room. My bathroom is to die for too. Its huge, the shower takes up almost the entire back wall and there is a marble countertop with two sinks. The first thing I did once Alice and Jasper gave me a minute to myself here was take a nice, hot shower. That was something else I haven't had in God knows how long – I guess I just got used to having to deal with lukewarm or cold showers with little to no water pressure.

I'm finally settled in to my room. I've put my few personal belongings and clothes away, taking care to find good hiding spots for both my kit, and my letters that I've written. I'm not sure if I may ever want them to be given to Edward, but for right now I need to know they are safely away somewhere where the rest of the Cullens won't find them. There are things in those letters that I don't plan on telling any of them – at least not yet anyway. I'm broken out of my thoughts by the sound of a knock on the door. I'm too nervous to just walk out of my room and be standing there when the Cullens arrive, especially since I'm not one hundred percent sure that Jasper told them why they needed to come over. All he said to me and Alice was that he told them that there was something important that they needed to see at the apartment, so I'm hiding out in my room – trying to avoid dealing with things like always. I hear Alice and Jasper welcome Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, and Rosalie, and then I hear them starting to talk about something else but I can't hear all that well through my shut door.

I figure I need to deal with them at some point, so I remind myself that I need to hold my own and be able to speak my mind about everything to them, and then I walk out of my room and head towards the living room. I stop right before I walk in, the hallway is partially out of view so I know they can't see me yet even though I can see them, and I have to fight to keep my emotions in control. I didn't expect to feel just how much I've missed them all this time, even if I am angry with them, and it makes me realize, that this may just be my chance to get a life for myself. I say a life and not my life, because what once was my life walked out on me five years ago. But these people, in this apartment right now, I know they care, and will probably do just about anything for me. Even though I know this, I still can't bring myself to trust them completely, or let go of all the anger yet. I know that will take time, but maybe talking to them today will get the ball rolling, and I can try to start to save myself from the hell my life has become.

I can hear Emmett talking with Alice. "So how is Bella doing? Did she say when she'd meet with us yet? I miss my little sister" he says with a sad look on his face. I've never seen Emmett look so sad, and it's that look on his face that forces my feet to move. As soon as I'm in view of them I answer his question myself and say "How about if I meet with you today?"

All of them look up at me at the same time, and I can tell that they are surprised to see me. Unsure of what to do next I just stand in place shifting from one foot to the next and focus on looking at my fingernails like they are the most interesting thing in the world at that moment. The next thing I know I am swept off my feet in a bear hug from Emmett and all I can hear is his booming laughter. I tense in his arms, not used to this kind of contact and scream "Put me down! You don't get to touch me!" Startled my tone of voice, Emmett places me back down and looks nervous. I realize the rest of them are all looking at me too, so I say "I'm sorry Emmett, it's just…I don't like being…you just startled me is all."

I move past Emmett and sit down in one of the chairs in the living room, pretending like the little outburst that just occurred never actually happened. Luckily the Cullens pick up on this and decide to just move on. Emmett follows me into the room and sits back down next to Rosalie, who says "Bella, it's good to see you again. I know I may not have ever really been nice to you back in Forks, but you mean a lot to this family, and I just wanted to apologize for how I acted."

I'm taken back by what Rosalie says. I never would have expected her to say something like that, all I can muster as a response is a "Thanks Rosalie." No one else says anything, I'm not sure if anyone knows what to say. I figure I may as well take charge here so I speak first.

"I know you all came here because you wanted to see me again, and I know you all know that I'm angry, hurt, and don't really trust any of you. Alice and Jasper mentioned to me that you said you would do what it takes to fix things between us, and I appreciate that. I need you to understand though, that trusting you is going to take time. I'm not the Bella I was back in Forks, I can't just let you all back into my life like nothing ever happened. You all also need to know that I have rules. These are the same ones that I told to Alice and Jasper, and if you can't respect my need for these rules, then I can't have you all in my life. I can't let myself get hurt by you all again. I don't think I'd be able to live through getting hurt like that again."

I look around the room at the people who were once my family, and wait for their response to what I've said. Carlisle looks at the others, nods once and then turns to me and says "Of course Bella. We completely understand, and will respect any of your wishes. We just want the chance to fix things, and we understand that we need to do that on your terms." I relax immediately when he says this, and then begin to speak again.

"Ok, first I'm going to tell you my rules, and then if you want, I'll fill you all in on what has happened with me these past few years. Alice and Jasper already filled me in on what you have all been up to." Esme smiles at me and says "We'd like that Bella. We've missed you terribly and would love to know what's been going on in your life."

I grimace a little because I'm not so sure they are going to love what I've been doing, but I offer her a small smile and say "Okay, these rules are not up for debate. This is how I need it to be for me to start letting you back into my life. I'm not saying these rules are permanent, but they are what I need right now. Rule number one – Edward is not to know about me. I don't care what you have to do, but I don't want him knowing I'm back in your lives. I won't be able to handle having him back in mine right now. Rule number two – I don't mind talking about everything that's happened with you, but if I say that I don't want to talk about something or that I don't want to go into details about things, then you need to leave it alone. Rule number three – unless I ask for help, I don't want you all to try and do everything for me. No paying my bills or buying me clothes or cars or any other crazy things like that. I will not stand for having you pay my way in the world. I work and make ends meet just fine, and I will not have you commenting on how I live my life." I look at them all to see if they understand everything I've said and they all just nod in agreement.

I'm already feeling antsy about having to rehash my past again so I excuse myself to the bathroom and head towards my room. I grab my kit, go into my bathroom and go through my routine and give myself a small fix to help me get through the rest of the evening. As soon as I feel it coursing through my system I head back into the living room and sit down.

"Okay" I say. "I suppose I should just start with when you all left." I tell Carlisle, Emmett, Rose, and Emse the same story that I told Alice and Jasper earlier in the park and explain how I'm going to be staying here with them. I can't really look any of them in the eye and when I finish my story I finally look at them. I can tell that the story I told them is not what they expected to hear, and they all have looks of shock on their face and none of them really know what to say to me next. I hear the clock chime and I look up to see what time it is. It's already seven and I need to be at work by eight so I figure this is the best excuse for me to make my escape from the awkwardness that is looming over the room. "I didn't realize how late it's getting. I have to go get ready for work tonight" I say and then get up and head straight back for my room.

Once I'm in my room I grab my backpack and throw some clothes in there along with my wallet and my kit. I put on my sneakers and head back out to the living room where everyone else is still sitting, seeming unsure of what to say to me so I just decide to say goodbye for the evening. "I've got to go. I know you were probably hoping on seeing me for longer, but I have work. I promise to see you all again soon." Emmett just looks at me, and in my head all I can think of is how I hope he doesn't question where I work, but of course he does. "Where do you work Bella?"

I look at Alice and Jasper and they just smirk. I know they won't say anything but I wish they would throw me a line here and help me out. "Oh, um…I work at a club downtown." At the word club, Emmett's face lights up. "That's awesome. Me and Rosie love to go dancing. Maybe you could get us in sometime?" I try to stifle a laugh, because somehow I don't think they would approve of the dancing that goes on at the club where I work. "Uh…sure Emmett, maybe." Just as I'm about to walk out the door, Esme asks "What do you do at the club dear? Are you a hostess there?" I hate the idea of lying to them since they seem to have been open and honest with me so far, but the idea of telling them what I really do isn't all that appealing either. I can so kill Alice and Jasper right now because I can still see the looks of amusement on their faces. Realizing I still haven't answered Esme I quickly say "Yeah, something like that" and run out the door and head off to work.

**A/N: So Bella is living with Alice and Jasper, and she's started speaking to the Cullens...what could possibly go wrong with that right? LOL. Next time we'll see how the Cullens react to what Bella has told them . Please let me know what you thought of the chapter and review, I love hearing from you guys when you let me know what you thought of the chapter. I read and respond to all of my reviews, and I promise that if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up sometime between Friday and Saturday. Also, don't forget to check out the blog for the story. The address for the blog is lvtwilight09(dot)blogspot(dot)com just be sure to put in the actual dots. The blog has pictures and such for this story and there is also a link to it on my profile. Thanks for reading!**

**Some Recs for all of you:**

**The World is at Fault and he is to Blame by Saren Kol**

**Unexpected Circumstances by Savage7289**

**Where Love Began by butterflybetty**


	9. Acceptance

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I wish it was, but it's not. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: So last chapter Bella told her story to the Cullens, now let's see what they think about everything Bella's told them. Don't forget to check out the blog for this story (link is on my profile). Hearing what you all think of the story means the world to me and makes me even more excited to keep writing this story.**

**Chapter 9: Acceptance**

**Song: All The Same by Sick Puppies**

***EmPOV***

After Bella leaves, none of us really say anything. I don't think any of us know what to say. Hell, I'm usually the one to come up with some sort of inappropriate joke at this point, but after everything that Bella told us, I can't think of anything. All I can think about is how much I wish we never left Forks, or that we took Bella with us when we did. Bella was one of the strongest people I had ever met, and now to see her life completely falling apart at the seams…I just don't know what to do.

As I look around at the rest of my family, I can tell we are all thinking along the same lines. We all regret leaving Bella now more than ever, and we're all worried about what her life has become. As much as I would love to see Edward happy again, I can't help the surge of anger that I feel towards him for this whole situation. I know we all made our choices to agree to his plan and leave, but I still can't help wanting to blame him.

"I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill him with my own two hands for putting her through all of that. What are we supposed to do now? She needs help Carlisle, and you know she won't ask for it herself" I said as I struggled to keep my temper under control. I am so pissed at Edward for making us leave; I swear I could kill my brother right now. Carlisle, who was quiet for a moment finally responds to me and says "I know she needs help. I just don't know what to do, she's obviously keeping some things hidden, and until she is ready to open up to us more…I just don't think there is much we can do."

"I don't want to just sit around and wait for Bella to come to us, there has to be something we can do now. Alice, have you been able to see anything as far as us helping Bella?"

Alice just shakes her head at me and says "That's just it. I've been having trouble trying to get a clear picture of Bella's future at times. Sometimes everything is crystal clear, and other times it isn't. Her scent is different too. I think whatever changed her scent is what's interfering with my ability to see her future."

Alice is right, there was something off about Bella's scent, even though I can't pinpoint exactly what it was, something was definitely different. I turn back to Carlisle and ask "Do you have any idea what it could be?" He opens his mouth to say something but hesitates for a moment and then says "I think I have a few ideas, but I want to look into my theories first before I say anything."

I hear Rosalie sigh beside me as she stands up and turns to talk to all of us. "So are we all going to ignore the elephant in the room or are we going to actually address the fact that Bella basically looks like the walking dead with how thin she's become and those dark circles under her eyes. Something is going on with her other than her trying to deal with all the other fucked up shit she's been through these past few years."

"Obviously something is going on with her" sneers Jasper, "But whatever it is, she doesn't want us to know. I can feel her struggle to keep things hidden from us. I think we just need to accept she isn't ready to tell us everything yet. I can tell there are other things from the past five years she hasn't told us either."

I turn to Esme who has yet to say anything and ask her for her opinion. "What do you think Esme?" She takes a moment to think and then says "What do I think? I think that I don't care. I don't care what Bella is hiding. I will accept her for who she is right now, regardless of whatever is wrong or right with her life, if it means that she'll be able to accept us back in her life and forgive us for everything. I know she needs help, but at this point I think if we push too hard she's going to shut down and we'll lose any chance of getting our Bella back. Now, Edward is my son, but dammit, Bella is my daughter and she needs us right now, and so help me God if any of you slip and let Edward know what's going on I can assure you that you will be quite miserable for the next several decades."

We all just stare at Esme, who rarely every swears or goes off like this, as she finishes her mini tirade. Unsure of what to say, we all just nod to let her know we understand. "Speaking of our brother, how are we supposed to keep him in the dark about this considering he can read our thoughts" I ask. "Just watch your thoughts when you're around him. It shouldn't be too difficult considering how depressed he's been. He doesn't really notice much of what's really going on. I can tell by the emotions I feel from him, he's too busy with his wallowing and self-loathing to truly notice. Hell, he didn't even notice that Alice and I moved out of the house yet" says Jasper.

I nod, knowing Jasper's right about Edward. He hasn't really paid attention to much of anything for a while now. As long as we are just careful with our thoughts while he's around we should be fine. Soon after we finish our discussion on watching our thoughts around Edward, we all leave Alice and Jasper's apartment and head back over to the house.

***EPOV***

I walk back into the house after another night of wandering around and losing myself in my thoughts. I can't help but wonder where Bella is right now and what she's doing. I think about how much I hope that she has managed to find happiness in her life. As I walk into the living room I see the rest of my family lounging around, but it seems as though they are all watching their thoughts. I'm so tired of them trying to baby me, so I listen in to see if I'm right. If I wasn't sure that they were trying to watch their thoughts, my suspicions are confirmed when Emmett starts singing Katy Perry's California Girls in his head, and Rosalie starts trying to translate the copy of Car & Driver that she's reading into Japanese.

"What's going on guys" I ask. They all look up at me and Carlisle and Esme both quickly respond at the same time. "Nothing" they say, and then their thoughts come up a complete blank as they block me from reading anything that's going through their mind at the moment. Now I'm just getting frustrated, but I don't have the energy to argue it and just turn and head upstairs. As I walk into my room, I think to myself about what just happened downstairs and remember the other night when my family was just as quick to block their thoughts from me. I'm not sure what exactly, but there is something my family is keeping from me.

**A/N: So the Cullens are none too happy with how Bella' life has turned out, and Edward is starting to get suspicious. Next time we'll see some more interactions between Bella and the Cullen family as they try to fix their relationship, along with a surprise or two. Please let me know what you thought of the chapter and review, I love hearing from you guys when you let me know what you thought of the chapter. I read and respond to all of my reviews, and I promise that if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up sometime between Tuesday and Wednesday. Also, don't forget to check out the blog for the story. The address for the blog is lvtwilight09(dot)blogspot(dot)com just be sure to put in the actual dots. The blog has pictures and such for this story and there is also a link to it on my profile. Thanks for reading!**

**Some Recs for all of you:**

**Cullen Home for Unwed Mothers by Insert Fangs Here**

**When Love and Hate Collide by Gelix**

**Beautiful Stranger by NJNYTwiGals**


	10. Life Support

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I wish it was, but it's not. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: So last chapter we got to see how the Cullens reacted to Bella's story, at least the parts that she has told them, because lets face it, we all know that girl is keeping some things hidden. I just want to give a huge thank you to all of you who are reading and reviewing. I was blown away by the response last chapter and it means more than you know that you guys like the story. I hope you all keep reviewing, I love hearing what you all think and have to say about the chapters. Don't forget to check out the blog for this story (link is on my profile) – I added a picture of Diego for this chapter. **

**Chapter 10: Life Support**

**Songs: Life Support – RENT soundtrack**

**Will I – RENT soundtrack**

***BPOV***

I'm sitting in the living room trying to relax and find something on TV but there is nothing on, so I just turn it off and lay back on the couch, thinking about the past few weeks. These two weeks since I've moved in with Alice and Jasper have been pretty good overall, considering just how fucked my life can be at times. So far no one has pushed for information about my job, which I have to admit I was surprised about, especially Alice. I know she and Jasper know about work and I know they are less than thrilled to say the least about my job choice, but they've kept quiet about it just like they've promised they would, aside from their frowns and looks of disappointment every time I leave for a shift, and if that's the only reaction I'll get about my job from them, I think I can deal with it.

All of the Cullens have been great these past few days. They all haven't come over together again since that first night, but Carlisle and Esme have come over together and so have Emmett and Rosalie. None of them have really asked too many questions about anything other than some generalities like what cities I lived in, and if I was involved with anyone. The clock chiming brings me out of my thoughts and I realize I should get ready. All of the Cullens are coming over tonight. Esme had asked the last time she was here if we could all get together again, and when I agreed, we decided on a movie night before I go to work later on, and if I am completely honest with myself, I'm excited about seeing them.

I head into my room and pick out some clothes to wear before going into the bathroom and jumping into the shower. I quickly wash my hair and body, and then get out and grab a towel to wrap myself in. As I stand in front of the mirror towel drying my hair, I can't help but look at the cabinet under the sink. I've been ok lately, only using when I'm working, and trying not to use so much around the Cullens, but I feel like my kit is just sitting there taunting me, and I feel the craving inside me and I wonder briefly if this is anything similar to how the Cullens feel around blood. Before I even realize it, I'm double checking to make sure the bathroom door is locked, and I'm sitting on the floor and setting up my stuff so I can get a fix. I notice as I'm getting everything ready, that my supply is running low, and make a mental note to see Diego about that later tonight.

Once I feel the drug running through my system, I clean everything up and hide my kit away back in the cabinet. I head back into my room and throw on my yoga pants and tank top, and a pair of socks. I check the time on the clock in my room and realize that everyone should be here soon, and head into the living room where Alice and Jasper are. A few seconds after I sit down on the couch, I hear the knock on the door, and Jasper goes to let everyone in. Everyone comes in and says hi to me, but no one tries to hug me. I think they are waiting for me to make the first move on that ever since my freak out from when Emmett hugged me that first night.

We sit around for a little while, chatting about nothing in particular, when Carlisle asks to speak to me privately. "Sure Carlisle" I say, "We can talk in my room." I lead him back to my room and plop down on the bed, motioning for him to sit down next to me. Carlisle sits down next to me, and is quiet for a moment. I'm left wondering what he wants to talk about, and I'm praying that he isn't going to start looking for information about things from my past; I just don't want to talk about that tonight.

"So Carlisle, what did you want to talk about?"

I guess he can tell I'm nervous, because he quickly gets to the point. "It's nothing serious Bella, don't worry. I actually just wanted to make you an offer." My eyebrow quirks up when he says this, because as much as I know he doesn't know what my job entails, usually when I hear someone say that to me, it involves me either on my knees, working the pole, or lying on by back for an hour in exchange for money. Seeing my interest, he continues talking. "Look Bella, I meant what I said when I agreed to the rules you put in place, but I know there are things from your past, and maybe even now that you haven't or don't want to speak about. I just want you to know that I'm here for you if you ever want to talk or if you ever need my help. That's why I wanted to offer you this." He pulls a small box out of his jacket pocket and places it on the bed between us.

I look at the package on the bed, and give Carlisle a pointed look. They all agreed to not paying or buying things for me so I'm a little thrown by what the package could be. "Carlisle, I thought you all agreed…" I start to say, but Carlisle takes my hand in his and cuts me off. "We did agree, and I mean to stand by that agreement. I'm just going to propose something to you, and if you don't want it then its fine, I'll completely understand. Inside that box is a cell phone. I noticed that you don't have one and figured you might need one. It's preprogrammed with all of our numbers in it. You wouldn't have to worry about the bill. The service is prepaid for a year. I just wanted to offer this to you so that way, if you ever needed any of us…for anything at all, you'd be able to get in touch with us. I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone any more, but it's up to you. If you don't want it, then I completely understand, and we can just forget that I even brought it up."

After he finishes talking, Carlisle gets up from the bed and walks over to the window. I know he's waiting for my answer, but this is his way of giving me a little bit of distance to decide in my own time. I think about what he said, about how he wants me to know I'm not alone any more, and I also think about how he said he knows there are things I haven't told him. He didn't push for answers, and he's leaving me with the choice of whether or not I accept the phone, but I somehow think that this whole conversation is about more than me just accepting a phone from him, that it's really more about me taking a step to accept the Cullens back into my life.

As I think about this, Carlisle's voice saying "I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone any more" keeps playing over and over in my head, and it's as if a light bulb goes off. I don't want to be alone any more. I know that I've thought that before, but maybe it's how the Cullens have been with me these past two weeks, or what Carlisle has just said to me, but I finally really believe it. I really don't want to be alone anymore and the first step to making that happen is accepting this gift from Carlisle.

I stand up from the bed and walk over to where Carlisle is standing and hug him as I say "Thank you." He hugs me back and I can tell he's smiling. I hear it in his voice as he says "Your welcome sweetheart. Anything for my daughter." I head back over to the bed and open the box and take out the phone. Carlisle follows me and shows me the different features on the phone. When he's finished, we head back out to the living room and join the others who have already started watching the movie.

I know they must have all known about the phone, and I understand why they had Carlisle, as the head of the family give it to me, so I take the phone out, type out "Thank You" in a text message, and send it to all of them. It's almost humorous as all of their phones go off simultaneously and when they all check their message they look at me. I simply offer a smile and turn back to the movie on the TV. Noticing that I don't want to make a big deal of it, they all just smile back, and turn back to the movie as well, and for the first time in a long time, I don't feel so alone.

All too soon, the movie ends and I have to get ready for work. I excuse myself and head into my bedroom to grab my things. I head into the bathroom to grab my kit, and then head into my closet to grab the clothes that I'll need for tonight. I'm not working the stage tonight; Riley has me scheduled for 2 private events so I figure I might need something other than my usual choices in my dressing area at the club. I throw everything into my bag, including my new cell phone and then head out of the apartment, saying a quick goodbye to everyone as I go.

Once I get to work, I look over the info that Riley has left for me for my two clients for the evening drinking from my vodka bottle as I do to try to get rid of my nerves. As long as I've been working here, I still can't help but get edgy and nervous about working in the private rooms. I notice my first client is going to be showing up soon, so I run to the bathroom quickly and give myself a fix to get through the night. As soon as I'm done, I head back to the dressing area, throw my kit into one of my drawers and head over to my room to wait for my client.

My second client comes and goes, and finally my night at work is over. I should have known that Riley was going to end up getting me to work the stage even though he said I was only working the private room tonight. It's ok though, because it's given me enough money to be able to totally restock my supply. I got in touch with Diego and he's supposed to be meeting me in our usual meeting spot, the alley a block away from work. I head over there and wait.

Diego shows up and has my purchase in hand, waiting for me to pay. I go into my bag to get my wallet out, and when I can't find it, I realize I left it at the club, which is already closed and locked for the night. "Diego man, I'm sorry, I left my wallet at the club. Can you front me the stuff and I'll give you the money tomorrow?" Diego just gives me a look that says _you know better than to ask that._ "You know I don't work that way Bella, although I am sure we can work out another arrangement." He looks me up and down, and it causes me to shiver. I've made deals like this with him before when I was desperate, and I'm in the same situation again. I would just tell him to forget about it and that I'd meet up with him tomorrow to pay, but I know myself. I'm going to need a fix before I go to work tomorrow night and if I don't have it, I'll just end up getting sick. I sigh as I nod. "Fine Diego, just make it quick" and I drop to my knees.

I get on my knees, undo his pants and pull them and his underwear down. I take him into my hand and stroke him for a minute until he is fully hard and then I take him into my mouth. Diego grabs the back of my head as he moans and I hear him start to talk dirty. "That's right; suck my cock you dirty whore. Mmmm." Suddenly, I feel Diego tense up and he pulls out of my mouth and away from me. He pulls his pants up and next thing I know he's running past me at the speed of light.

I get up, confused about what happened, and as I turn around I see why Diego ran. Behind me are two cops, who obviously just saw what I was doing. Knowing what's coming next, I drop my bag to the ground and start muttering curses under my breath as the cops proceed to handcuff me and read me my rights, telling me I'm under arrest for prostitution. I'm put in the back of their car and taken down to the police station.

Once I get to the station I'm brought inside by the officers who I've decided to name Asshat and Douchenozzle. After Asshat catalogs my stuff, he fingerprints me and takes my mugshot. Then Douchenozzle brings me to the phone bank for me to make my one phone call. This is the one part that kills me. Usually I would just tough the night out in jail until Bree would come down in the morning to pay my fine for me and get me out, but she hasn't been at work the past two days since she was supposed to be visiting her brother for his birthday, so I'm left with two options.

I can either call one of the Cullens for help, or I can deal with the judge in the morning who will just make me serve a 21 sentence instead of paying the fine. Either way the Cullens will find out, so I figure I can neutralize the damage if I call one of them, even if I am completely mortified about having to explain this to anyone. I feel like crying. When did my life turn into this? I feel like I've lost every last shred of dignity that I might have had left, and I have no clue how to make any of this thing that I call my life better.

I sigh, deciding on who to call, pick up the phone, and dial the number. The phone rings and rings, and all I can do is pray that he answers. This is my one phone call and I really need him to answer. Finally I hear his voice say "Hello? Who is this?" Knowing I'm pressed for time, I make it quick and just say "Its Bella. I'm in a bit of trouble; can you come meet me at the police station over on Dean Street?"

***CPOV***

Esme and I have the house to ourselves for the night. Edward is off wandering around lost in his thoughts as he usually is, and Rose and Emmett left an hour ago to go hunt. Enjoying this time with my wife, I turn on some music, and ask her to dance with me. As we dance around the living room, enjoying the time alone together, I hear my phone ringing upstairs. "Leave it Carlisle, I'm sure whoever it is can wait, we don't often get time like this alone together" Esme says as she looks at me and smiles. As much as I want to ignore the phone, I know it might be the hospital calling about something important, and I run quickly to answer the phone.

I don't recognize the number so when I answer I try to figure out who is calling. "Hello? Who is this?" There is a brief moment of silence before I hear "Its Bella. I'm in a bit of trouble; can you come meet me at the police station over on Dean Street?" If my heart was still beating it would have stopped in that moment. I realize Bella's still on the phone, waiting for my answer. "I'll be there in ten minutes" I tell her, and then I hang up. I grab my keys and wallet, and run downstairs.

Esme sees me run down the stairs and she can already tell that I'm leaving. "Another emergency at the hospital?" I just nod my head and give her a quick kiss. "I'll be back as soon as I can"

I didn't want to correct what Esme had thought, since I didn't know the whole situation with Bella, and I was unsure of whether or not she'd want anyone else to know. I hop into my car and drive to the police station. When I get inside, I see Bella sitting next to some officer's desk in handcuffs.

I head over to the sergeant at the front desk and explain that I'm here for Bella. My heart falls as he explains what she was arrested for, and I can't help but look at her. She can tell I know why she was arrested, and she just looks away from me with tears in her eyes. I turn my attention back to the officer who is explaining everything to me, as he tells me that Bella can either pay a fine and be released or if she can't pay, then she'll go before a judge who will most likely have her serve a 21 day sentence.

There is no way I'm letting her sit in a cell for three weeks, so I tell them that I'll pay whatever the fine is. I'm a little shocked by how large it is, but then the officer goes on to explain that its only that high because this isn't her first time being busted for prostitution. I sigh, realizing just how much help Bella really needs, as I write the check and hand it over to the officer.

A short while later, Bella is released and given back her property. I walk her over to my car and open the passenger door for her. She gets in, and never looks me in the eye once. I walk around to the driver's side and get in, only to find Bella curling in on herself and crying, huddled against the door. I put my hand on her shoulder but she flinches, so I pull my hand away. "Bella, I won't ask questions if you don't want me to, but just know, I'm here to listen if you want" I tell her, turn the car on, and start driving towards Alice's apartment.

Just before we pull up to the building, I hear Bella speak. She's so quiet I wouldn't have heard what she said if not for my vampire hearing. "I need help Carlisle. I know I do. It's just…I'm used to relying on myself, and as much as I truly want to open up to you, all of my reasoning says that if I tell you everything, you'll all disappear again." I look at Bella, and in this moment I see just how broken she really is. I pull the car to the side of the road and pull her into my arms to comfort her.

"Bella, you don't ever have to worry about us leaving again. There is nothing you can tell us, other than telling us that you want us to leave you alone that will make us leave you again. We just got you back and we want to be able to help you. If you want to talk with me, I'm here to listen and I'll do everything I can to help you; and I promise that whatever you tell me will stay just between you and me until you decide it's time to tell the others. There's no time like the present for a fresh start."

I hold Bella as she cries for what seems like ages, hoping that she finds comfort in my being there for her. She finally pulls away from me, and says "If you want, we could go for a drive, and maybe talk a bit." I nod my head, turn the car back on, and pull out onto the road, driving around with no particular destination, and wait for Bella to start talking to me in her own time. After about ten minutes, she starts talking.

"I'm not a prostitute Carlisle. I mean, I may work in a club as a dancer, but I'm not a prostitute. I have a habit, and the guy they caught me with was my dealer. I ran out, and I needed to get more because last time I ran out and tried to go without, I got really sick and I didn't want to go through that again. I was going to pay him cash from what I earned tonight but I left my wallet at work and the club was closed for the night. It was the only way he'd give me what I needed. "

In that short statement, Bella confirmed my theory about why her scent was different. I mean I am a doctor, I know the signs of drug use when I see them. When I first saw her, Bella's physical appearance was a big clue, but the underlying scent of the drugs in her system, while evident to me, wasn't something I thought the others would be able to identify. It would also explain why Alice sometimes has trouble with Bella's future. I'm quiet for a moment, trying to think of how to respond to what Bella's said.

"I won't judge you Bella. I mean, I can't say that I'm excited about your job, but I won't condemn you for it either. As much as I would love to get you back into school and help you find a better job; that's your decision. As far as your habit is concerned, I can help you with that if you want. If you'd like, I can help you safely get off of the drugs. I can arrange for you to medically detox so that you won't feel sick, and then I can help you stay off them, but again it's your choice Bella. Whatever you choose, I'll be here to help you Bella."

Bella is quiet for a while, and I almost think she's fallen asleep when she says "I'd like that Carlisle. I've felt like I've needed the drugs for so long. The drugs were what I meant that night when I spoke to you all, about how I finally found a way to try to forget Edward. For the longest time, I could still hear his voice and all of my memories with him would keep floating around in my head, and I couldn't handle how that made me feel, I just wanted it all to stop, and the drugs helped…Can you really help me to not need them anymore?"

Listening to Bella talk about all of this breaks my heart. The more she opens up to me, the more I realize how much our decision to leave her has caused her pain. "Yes Bella, I can help you. Now we don't have to say anything to the others, but I think it would be good for you to let them in. Let them all help you too. I won't say anything to them unless you say its ok, but I do think you should talk to them as well. It'll take a few days for me to get everything together, but I can get everything set up in your room at home and I can detox you there if you'd like. You just need to tell me when you're ready."

Bella is quiet as she thinks over what I've said. She turns to me, and I can still see the tears in her eyes as she offers me a watery smile. "Ok, I think I'll talk to them soon, I just need to think about how I'm going to tell them, and I have to arrange the time off from work. Once I do, then we'll go ahead with the detox."

I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding. I'm a little surprised that Bella agreed so easily, but then, when I think about it, I realize that she must be so tired with how hard her life has been, and she just needs things to be easier, and this is her chance at getting a break from everything that is burdening her. I smile back at her and say "Ok, I'll start setting everything up."

**A/N: So Bella got busted by the cops. What did you all think of Carlisle's POV? For all the heavy stuff in the chapter, I liked the interaction between Bella and Carlisle. Next time we'll see what happens when Bella tells the rest of the Cullens about the drugs…I promise you, it will definitely be interesting. Please let me know what you thought of the chapter and review, I love hearing from you guys when you let me know what you thought of the chapter. I read and respond to all of my reviews, and I promise that if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up sometime between Friday and Saturday. Also, don't forget to check out the blog for the story. The address for the blog is lvtwilight09(dot)blogspot(dot)com just be sure to put in the actual dots. The blog has pictures and such for this story and there is also a link to it on my profile. Thanks for reading!**

**Some Recs for all of you:**

**Elusively Yours by GemmaH**

**30 Days by Gelix**

**47 Days by netracullen**


	11. Broken Pt 1

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I wish it was, but it's not. Because Lord knows if it was, I would totally be snuggling up with Edward right about now. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: So Bella's finally started letting the Cullens in and told Carlisle more of her story. Let's see how it goes when she tells the rest of them. I just want to give a huge thank you to all of you who are reading and reviewing, it means more than you know when I get to hear what you all think about the story. Don't forget to check out the blog for this story (link is on my profile).**

**Chapter 11 – Broken – Part I**

**Song – Broken by Seether ft. Amy Lee**

***BPOV***

The week since I agreed to let Carlisle help me has been busy. I barely spoke to any of the Cullens other than brief conversations or text messages, and to arrange a time for me to talk to them about some things. I talked to Riley the day after I spoke to Carlisle about me needing some time off from work, and he agreed – for a price of course. The price that Riley set wasn't anything too bad, I spent the week dealing with back to back clients in the private rooms and I had to agree to be the headliner for this year's Halloween bash which was going to be an S & M theme. I agreed, figuring that if everything worked out as it should, that maybe I would just quit this place all together by then and not have to worry about the Halloween party.

Today however, I was nervous. I was supposed to sit down with the rest of the Cullens today and talk to them about everything that I had discussed with Carlisle. We were discussing everything at the Cullen house, since Edward was out hunting for the weekend, and Esme had really been wanting me to come over to see the house. I figured I could kill two birds with one stone.

As I headed over to the house, I kept running over in my mind how I was going to tell them, and before I knew it I was knocking on the front door. Esme opened the door almost immediately and brought me inside. The house was beautiful, and it was obvious that Esme had decorated everything. We walked over to the living room where everyone was sitting, and they all looked up at me with nervous expressions on their face.

"Bella what's going on? You're not leaving town or something are you?" asked Alice. I felt bad hearing her ask this, I had been spending so little time at the apartment lately with how much Riley had me working, that I couldn't blame her for thinking along those lines.

"No Alice, nothing like that. I just have something I wanted to speak to you all about. I…it's…I'm going through something right now and I'm going to need all of your help" I explained.

"Of course Bella. Anything you need. We're all here for you" said Rose.

"Ok. I'm going to explain everything to you, and then if you have any questions, I'll try to answer them the best I can." I looked at them all as I said this, and they all nodded their understanding, so I began to explain.

"Last week…the night we had the movie night, I had work. After work I got myself into a bit of a tough spot, and Carlisle was kind enough to help me out. I've been using drugs for the past several years. I've been using them, and feeling like I've needed the drugs for so long. They were what I meant that night when I spoke to you all, about how I finally found a way to try to forget Edward. For the longest time I could still hear his voice and all of my memories with him would keep floating around in my head and I couldn't handle how that made me feel, I just wanted it all to stop and the drugs helped. I'm just so tired of needing them. I spoke to Carlisle, and he said he'd help me medically detox and help me to stay off of them, which is why I asked all of you here. I'm going to need all of you to support me with this, and was hoping you'd be willing to help."

Everyone is quiet for a while, a bit surprised by what I said, and its Esme who answers for them all. "Of course Bella," she says. "Anything you need and we're here, any time you need us."

Just as I'm about to thank her, I hear Alice say something quickly that I don't understand, and then I notice that everyone is rushing around the room. It's quiet for a moment and then I hear the one voice I wasn't yet prepared to hear.

"Where is everyone?" Edward says, and then he stops dead in his tracks when he sees me.

"Bella?" he says, in a voice that is barely a whisper "Is that really you?" He moves to come near me, and as soon as I see his movement, I snap.

As much as a part of me is telling me that the Cullens had nothing to do with his showing up early, another part of me wonders if this was some sort of set up, and for the moment, that is the part that wins. Seeing Edward still moving towards me, I glare at him and when I speak, even I can hear the unadulterated hatred in my voice and it almost startles me a bit.

"You don't get to speak to me. You don't get to even come near me, so don't even think about taking another step into this room" I shout towards Edward. I spin around and look at the rest of the Cullens.

I can feel Jasper trying to calm me down, but it isn't working. Alice, Esme, and Emmett are all shouting at Edward, but I can't make out what they are saying they are yelling so fast. Rosalie tries to speak to me, and I'm just trying not to have a panic attack. "Bella, you have to know, we didn't think he was going to be home. Alice didn't see him coming back here while you were at the house, if we'd have known, we would never have had you come to the house. Please Bella, you have to know that." I can see the sincerity in her eyes, but my guard is already up, and I won't allow myself to believe the words I'm hearing.

I shake my head trying to will what Rose has just said to leave my mind, when I finally break down and snap at the rest of the Cullens. "You promised me! You all promised me, and all of you went back on your word. I trusted all of you. How could you do this? I finally trusted you enough to ask for help and this is what happens. I should have known better. I should have known that none of you would change, that nothing would change" I shout as I feel my body shaking from the emotional overload. I turn back around to Edward, who hasn't moved and shout "And _you_…well all I have to say to you is GO FUCK YOURSELF!" I turn away from them all, tears streaming down my face and run out of the house, ignoring their shouts for me to come back.

I run until I feel my legs burning from the physical exertion and wander for hours with no destination in mind. I make my way down an alley, and take my kit out of my purse, needing an escape from everything that has just happened. Once I inject the drug into my system I just sit where I am trying to get rid of all the thoughts in my head.

I feel so broken in this moment. I am so unsure of what happened today – unsure about so many things in my life. Being so open with other people for the first time in so long makes me realize how broken my life is. I don't know if I'm strong enough to make it alone, because being alone is what has broken me more than anything else, and as angry and hurt as I may be I can't bear the thought of the Cullens going away again.

Eventually I decide to head over to the club, not wanting to go back to the apartment, and having nowhere else to go. My phone has been going off constantly with calls and text messages that I have ignored. Once I get to the club, I open up a fresh bottle of vodka and having nothing better to do, decide to listen to the messages that everyone left for me.

"_Bella, its Carlisle. Please just call us back. We just want to know you're safe. We truly didn't know he was going to show up. I'm worried about you sweetheart…please don't do anything you may regret."_

_**Please don't shut down on us. We don't want to lose you. Call me please – Alice**_

_**Little sis, don't disappear on me now that I've just got you back. We all need you Bella - Em**_

"_Bella, its Jasper. Can you just let us know where you are? Alice is having trouble seeing you and we're all worried. Please don't shut us out, we love you."_

_**Don't run away from this. Let us help you. We all care about you Bella. - Rose**_

"_Bella, its Esme dear. I know you feel hurt right now, and I can understand that. You need to know we didn't plan for that to happen. We all agreed to your rules, and we've all kept them. We never would have put you in this position. Please don't run away from us honey. I'll make him leave us for a while if that's what it takes. I'll send him away. You are my daughter sweetie and I know you need us right now…more than Edward does. If it takes us sending Edward away to get you back, then we'll do it. Please call us back."_

As soon as I hear Esme's message, my guard that I've thrown up starts to falter. I know Esme loves her children, and I can't bring myself to think that she would go to such an extreme as to lie and then try to cover it up by sending one of her children away.

I keep drinking the bottle of vodka whose contents I have already significantly depleted, as I mull things over, trying to figure out what to do. Edward knows about me, so I guess the worst is already over, and on some level I feel like I can finally breathe again. I think about the fact that I've come clean with the Cullens about the drug use, and I figure I may as well come clean about my job too. My theory being, if they come here and see me at work and they still accept me after that, then I'll know that I can trust them. I think this over for a bit, and in my head I think of the perfect routine to do for the night, knowing the song I've chosen will convey more to the Cullens about my life these past few years than I ever could.

I stumble up to Riley's office to arrange my routine for the night, and to make sure my guests will have reserved seating front and center. After everything is arranged with Riley I send a mass text to the Cullens to let them know I'm ok. I type out my message – _**I've gotten all of your calls and messages. Am at my job. Time for me to be honest and for you all to see where I work. Be here at 11 – Alice and Jasper know the place. Bring Edward with you**__. _

I read it over once, and then press send. Tonight should be an interesting night.

**A/N: So things got a bit crazy at the Cullen house, and finally we have Edward find out about Bella. I know we haven't had much of this story in Edward's POV yet, but next time we'll get to go inside Edward's head for a bit and see how things went down from his POV. Please let me know what you thought of the chapter and review, I love hearing from you guys. I read and respond to all of my reviews, and I promise that if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up sometime between Tuesday and Wednesday. Also, don't forget to check out the blog for the story. The address for the blog is lvtwilight09(dot)blogspot(dot)com just be sure to put in the actual dots. The blog has pictures and such for this story and there is also a link to it on my profile. Thanks for reading!**

**PS – I hope everyone has a very Happy Valentine's Day!**

**Some Recs for all of you:**

**With the Grace of a Woman by ImaTwitard**

**29 Dimensions by Catastrophia**

**Mysterious Ways by sunflowersongs**


	12. Broken Pt 2

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I wish it was, but it's not. Because if it was, I totally would have spent my Valentine's Day with our favorite boy vampires. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: So Bella flipped out when Edward showed up and now she has her own little plan in place. It should be interesting to how it plays out, but before we get to that, we get to take another trip back to Edward and see how he handles seeing Bella for the first time in five years. I want to give a huge thank you to the awesome ImaTwitard who was kind enough to design banners for this story. Be sure to stop by my profile to check them out, and make sure to check out ImaTwitard's profile too and check out her stories because she writes some really good stuff! Thanks again to all of you for reading and reviewing, especially dumbledore047 for rec'ing me to twific pimps! Be sure to check out their blog at www(dot)twificpimps(dot)com and don't forget to check out the blog for this story (link is on my profile).**

**Chapter 12: Broken – Part 2**

**Song: Broken by Lifehouse**

***EPOV***

I had been hunting for a while and decided to just call an early end to my trip and head back home. I toss the carcass of the animal I had just finished draining aside and start running home. As I run, my mind is assaulted with the memories of when I used to run with Bella through the forests back in Forks. Sighing, I try to refocus my thoughts but it's no use, everything I do seems to remind me of her. Lost in my thoughts, I find myself walking through the front door of the house before I even really realize that I'm home. When I first walk in I see that the living room is empty, and I start to walk through the house to find the rest of the family.

"Where is everyone?" I say, and then I stop dead in my tracks. As I look into the den, I see that my whole family is here, but it isn't them who make me stop. It's the other person in the room. The one person I have been praying to find again for the past five years. Bella is here, and for the first time in a long time I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. As I look at the only woman who has ever held my heart – the woman who still owns my heart – I notice the changes in her. She's thinner than she used to be and she looks as though she's exhausted, but none of that matters because she is still the most beautiful creature to have ever walked the earth.

For what feels like an eternity I say nothing as I struggle to find the means to speak. "Bella?" I finally say, in a voice that is barely a whisper, "Is that really you?" I move to close the space between us, and before I even manage to take two steps she looks at me and I stop dead in my tracks.

If looks could kill and I was actually living, the glare Bella gives me would have caused me to drop dead on the spot, and I am caught off guard by the pure, unadulterated hatred I can hear in her voice when she finally speaks to me.

"You don't get to speak to me. You don't get to even come near me, so don't even think about taking another step into this room" she shouts at me. If it were possible for my heart to break any more, it would have in this moment. I rarely ever saw Bella angry back in Forks, but this Bella that is here now is so filled with anger, and it hurts more than I can bear to know that it is because of me.

It seems in the brief amount of time that it took for me to walk into the room that all chaos has broken loose. I can feel Jasper trying to calm everyone down, but it isn't working. Alice, Esme, and Emmett are all shouting at me, but I can't make out what they are saying they are all yelling so fast and at the same time, plus I'm still only focused on Bella. Rosalie is trying to speak to her, and I'm confused by what she says.

"Bella, you have to know, we didn't think he was going to be home. Alice didn't see him coming back here while you were at the house, if we'd have known, we would never have had you come to the house. Please Bella, you have to know that."

The way Rosalie sounds, it's as if they have all known about Bella for a while. Unsure of what to make of that, I tuck the thought aside for later and just try to think of what I need to do now to get Bella to listen to me because I have so much I want to say to her, if she'll just give me the chance. I'm brought out of my thoughts when I hear Bella starting to yell again.

"You promised me! You all promised me, and all of you went back on your word. I trusted all of you. How could you do this? I finally trusted you enough to ask for help and this is what happens. I should have known better. I should have known that none of you would change, that nothing would change" I watch as she screams at my family and I can see her body shaking as she tries to keep herself together.

I'm just about to try to move towards her when she spins around and starts yelling at me again as she points her finger at me. "And you…well all I have to say to you is GO FUCK YOURSELF!" As she turns away from me I can see the tears streaming down her face. I want nothing more than to go to her and comfort her, but her last words to me have rendered me incapable of moving and I can only watch as the love of my life runs out of the house ignoring the shouts from my family for her to come back.

As soon as we all hear the door slam shut, I see my family members all turn around and just stare at me. Unsure of what to do or say, I make my way into the den and sit down on the couch. Everyone is still just looking at me like I owe them an explanation for something, so I say "Well don't look at me, I don't have a clue as to what just happened, but someone really needs to explain everything to me and tell me why Bella was here, why I didn't know about it, and why she just ran out the way she did."

"Not now Edward. We have bigger problems we need to try to fix right now" says Esme. She then turns to Alice and says "Can you see anything in her future right now? Something, anything that will give us a clue as to where she's going?"

"No" says Alice as she shakes her head. "Everything is fuzzy and unclear right now. She's either not making any definite decisions or she decided to just deal with this in her usual way. Either way, I can't get a read on what she's doing."

I don't know what Alice means when she refers to Bella's usual way of dealing, or why she looked at Carlisle when she says this, but I'm tired of being the one person in the room who doesn't any clue at all about what's going on. "Will someone please explain this to me because I really don't like being left in the dark here" I shout.

"Neither did Bella, asshole" Emmett says as he brushes past me and sits down. "Everyone calm down" says Carlisle, and then he turns to me. "Edward, I understand that you want an explanation. I promise you that we'll give you one, or at least explain what we can without telling you things that aren't our story to tell. But right now we need to just make sure Bella is ok." I just nod, even though I'm still confused, and the fact that everyone is shielding their thoughts from me isn't helping any.

For the next hour, everyone tries getting in touch with Bella. I wanted to help but they all said that it wouldn't be a good idea. Finally, they agree to just try calling every half hour or so, and sit down to talk to me.

Everyone is sitting down and they are all glaring at me, and we're all quiet for a while. Alice finally breaks the silence. "I guess it should be me who explains this to you, but I need you to promise to just let me explain everything and not interrupt me." I sigh, knowing it's going to be a hard promise to keep, but I know it's the only way I'll find out what's going on. "Fine Alice, you have my word."

Alice nods and begins to explain everything to me. "We found Bella on her birthday. It was completely by accident. Jasper and I decided to just go walk around town that day after class. We figured we may as well see what's around here since we're planning on being here for a while and I guess we lost track of where we were walking. The next thing we knew, we were in front of this apartment building and I recognized Bella's scent. She showed up a few minutes later. She was less than thrilled to see us to say the least. She has so much anger in her and is so hurt still from when we left Forks. It took everything me and Jasper could think of to just get her to agree to talk to us, let alone get her to agree to eventually meet up with the rest of the family. She's in a really bad place right now and she's all alone. Before she ran into us she had absolutely no one."

As I listen to Alice talk, I feel even worse about my decision to leave Bella. I knew I had made the wrong decision, but I never thought it would have caused Bella this much pain. All I had ever wanted was for her to be able to have the happy life that she deserved. Its then that what Rose said to Bella earlier about them not knowing I was going to be home pops back into my head, and I realize that the whole family knew and were keeping Bella a secret from me.

"You all knew about her and didn't say anything?" I asked my family. I couldn't believe they kept something like this from me. "You all knew how much I've regretted what I've done and how badly I've wanted to be able to find Bella and make things right with her" I shout, and it takes Jasper manipulating my emotions to calm me down enough to keep me from completely lashing out and doing something I'd later regret.

"She didn't want you to know Edward. She's not the same Bella anymore" Alice says as an explanation. I shake my head, not wanting to believe what Alice says, but I know Alice, she's always been honest with me, and if that wasn't enough she lets me see in her thoughts a conversation she had with Bella about this and in her thoughts I can see Bella as she tells Alice _"__Edward is not to know about me. I don't care what you have to do, but I don't want him knowing I'm back in your lives."_

I don't know what to do in this situation; I stand up and start pacing as I run my hand through my hair. Emmett stops me before I can wear a hole through the floor. "I'm really sorry Edward. I didn't want to keep this a secret, but I had to honor Bella's wishes. I owed her at least that much for leaving her the way we did, and the fact is when she first came back to us, she told us that she didn't want you in her life" he says. I guess he's trying to comfort me, but the reality is what he says makes me hurt more than I ever thought I possibly could.

The entire time since Bella walked out of this house tonight, I've been trying to work out my plan in my head of how I was going to make things right with her and try to get her back, but as soon as I hear those words – _she didn't want you in her life_ – it's as though I was hit by a truck. Those seven words cut me like a knife and I realize for the first time, that while I'm still determined to try, that there may not be a chance for me to get Bella back.

It's been almost three hours since Bella left, and Rose is getting antsy. "I'm worried about her you guys" she says. "I think we should go look for her. Alice, go check the places that you've been to with her, Jasper go back by your apartment and see if she's there. Carlisle and Emmett, you guys follow her scent from the house; see if you can track her that way. I'll stay here with Esme in case she decides to come back. We'll all meet up back here in an hour."

Everyone just nods and gets up to go look for Bella. As much as I'm dying to go and look for her myself, I know from everything that has been said, that I'm the last person Bella wants to see right now, so I just sit and watch as the rest of my family leaves to try to find her, and pray that they actually do. I guess my prayer goes unanswered because an hour later everyone is back at the house, no one having had any luck with Bella. She must be wandering around because her scent keeps crossing over itself, and she wasn't in any of the places that Alice went to check.

It's clear that none of us know what to do at this point. Bella isn't answering her phone or responding to the texts everyone is sending her, and she wasn't anywhere anyone looked for her. Now all we could do was sit and wait to see if Bella contacts us. I'm not sure how much time goes by, but all of a sudden, everyone's phones go off at once.

Alice turns to me and says "Its Bella, she says fine. She's at work and wants us all to meet her there at eleven tonight. Edward, she wants you to come with us." I'm relieved to hear that she's ok, but when Alice says that Bella wanted me to go with them to meet up with her later, I can't help but smile a little and think that there may be a little bit of hope for us after all.

**A/N: I hope you all enjoyed getting into Edward's head a bit. I feel bad getting his hopes up about things with Bella, but sadly it had to be done. Next chapter is the big reveal about Bella's job and is the chapter which contains the song that the story is named after. Please let me know what you thought of the chapter and review, I love hearing from you guys. I read and respond to all of my reviews, and I promise that if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up sometime between Friday and Saturday. Also, don't forget to check out the blog for the story. The address for the blog is lvtwilight09(dot)blogspot(dot)com just be sure to put in the actual dots. The blog has pictures and such for this story and there is also a link to it on my profile. Thanks for reading!**

**Some Recs for all of you:**

**With the Grace of a Woman by ImaTwitard**

**A Rough Start by ItzMegan73**

**My Viking by sheviking**


	13. The Sharpest Lives

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I wish it was, but it's not, because if it was, I would totally be  
re-enacting Bella's dance scene with Rob right now. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: Poor Edward, I feel a little bit bad about getting his hopes up last chapter, but it had to be done. So now we're finally at the chapter that the story is titled after, and the Cullens are definitely in for a bit of a surprise. Thanks again to ImaTwitard for helping me with this chapter by looking it over for me. Without her help, I would have been giving you all a much more boring and dull chapter, so be sure to check out her stories! Thanks again to all of you for reading and reviewing, I love hearing from you guys, and to check out the blog for this story, as I've added pics of what Bella wears in this chapter (link is on my profile).**

**Chapter 13: The Sharpest Lives**

**Song: The Sharpest Lives by My Chemical Romance**

***EPOV***

Everyone's phones go off at once and Alice turns to me and says "Its Bella, she says fine. She's at work and wants us all to meet her there at eleven tonight. Edward, she wants you to come with us." I'm relieved to hear that she's ok, but when Alice says that Bella wanted me to go with them to meet up with her later, I can't help but smile a little, and think that there may be a little bit of hope for us after all.

I'm so excited that Bella wants to see me, that I almost miss the looks that Jasper and Alice give each other. I want to ask about it, but then I figure they are just concerned about me getting Bella upset after what happened here at the house, so I don't bother to bring it up. "So where does Bella work?" I ask Jasper, but it's Emmett who answers.

"She said she worked at a club downtown somewhere. She never mentioned which one; just that she was a hostess there or something like that. I asked her about getting me and Rosie in one night, but she never got back to us about it. I guess she just forgot with everything else" Emmett replies as he shrugs his shoulders.

Again, I notice Alice and Jasper exchanging looks, but they are keeping their thoughts hidden, so I still can't tell what's going on with the two of them.

"Well, it would seem we all have plans, so why don't we all just go and try and relax a bit before we have to get ready and go. We have had an eventful enough day as it is already" says Esme. We all nod in agreement, and go off to our rooms until it's time to leave.

While everyone else may be able to relax until we leave for the club, I can't. I pass the time trying to plan out my strategy to win back the love of my life, figuring out how I'm going to explain everything I've done and just how I'm going to beg for her understanding and forgiveness. I'm not above groveling, I decide. I'll do whatever it takes to get my Bella back. I know everyone says she's not the same Bella anymore, and I know everyone changes over time, but my Bella still must be in there somewhere.

Finally it's ten o'clock and we're all getting ready to head out. We decide to take two cars. Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, and Emmett go in Carlisle's Mercedes; and Alice, Jasper, and I go in my Volvo. As much as I hate to let someone else drive, Jasper drives since only he and Alice know where this club is, and Carlisle follows behind us.

We get downtown, and it takes a while for us to find a place to park. Once we do, we all climb out of the cars, and I can't help but feel nervous about seeing Bella soon. "Well, I suppose we should head over to the club" Carlisle reminds us as he checks his watch. "It's almost eleven o'clock." We all nod in agreement, and let Alice and Jasper lead the way.

We walk down about three blocks before Alice stops us, reminding us to be on our best behavior. "Ok well, we're here. Just remember, we can't afford for any of you all to cause a scene. It wouldn't be good for us, and it wouldn't be good for Bella either" The entire time she speaks, she's looking at me. I'm not sure why she would need to remind us about causing a scene around humans, we've all gone out together before, but as we walk inside the club, whose name I notice is The CatScratch Club, I realize exactly why she says what she did. This is not the kind of club I expected Bella to be working in at all.

I can tell by my families thoughts that they didn't expect this either. "Are you sure you have the name of the club correct Alice? I mean, are you sure this is where Bella said she worked…" asks Esme, after we've been led to our seats. I can tell she's concerned about Bella, because even if she was just a waitress here, their uniforms, or lack thereof left little to the imagination.

"Yes Esme, I'm sure. Jasper and I met up with Bella here one night. This is where she works" Alice mumbles, almost as if she didn't want to have to tell us. After hearing this confirmation, I feel rather than see everyone's eyes on me, waiting for my reaction. "I'm fine everyone, really. It's not exactly the kind of place I expected Bella to be working in, but I'm fine. Let's just find her so we can get out of…" but I don't get to finish the sentence. I'm cut off by the DJ who is introducing the next dancer.

It takes every shred of will power along with all of the emotional control that I'm sure Jasper is exercising on me to keep me in my seat when I hear the DJ announce "And now, let's welcome back to the stage, the lovely Bella…"

***BPOV***

I'm in the dressing area in the back of the club. I've already double checked with the DJ and he has the music for my set, now I just need to figure out what I'm wearing tonight, even though it's all going to end up coming off before I leave the stage. I take a sip from the bottle of vodka that's sitting on my vanity table as I'm going through my drawers of costumes. Thinking about the music I'm dancing to, and how much the song really describes how my life has been these past few years, I decide to go with a look that fits in with the music.

I finally find what I'm looking for, and I pull out my black and red plaid mini skirt that fully zips up the back. I pick out a red bra with black lace trim to wear with it. Since I'm going fully nude tonight, I decide to forgo wearing the thong that matches the bra, and pull out a red and black garter to wear so the customers have a place to put their tips. Now for shoes, I open up another drawer and pull out my knee high black patent leather boots to complete the look.

I look at the clock and see that it's already 10:30 and decide I better start getting ready. I take another pull from the vodka bottle and then start working on my hair, I brush through it to get the knots out, and then decide on putting it up in a messy ponytail. Next I work on my makeup and decide to go with a smoky eye look and a nice red lipstick. Finally I strip out of the clothes I'm wearing, get dressed in my outfit for the night, and head to the side of the stage to wait for my turn to go on stage.

As I stand on the side of the stage waiting, I try to see if the Cullens are at the club yet, but I can't see where they are supposed to be sitting. I see Bree walking by so I ask her. "Hey Bree, did my guests show up yet do you know?"

She nods as she answers. "Yeah they got here a few minutes ago, but they seemed kind of on edge about being here, especially the guy with the reddish hair."

"Thanks Bree" I reply, as I try to calm myself down.

I'm used to dancing here in front of people, I'm just nervous about how the Cullens will handle finding out what my job is. I don't have long to focus on the nerves though, as I hear the DJ announce me as the next performer. I take a deep breath to try to calm myself, as I wait for the music to start.

As the intro of the song starts, the lights start flashing, and I walk seductively onto the stage and stop when I reach center stage and start walking towards the pole that's there. I grab the pole with both hands as I sway my hips and grind up against it.

_Well it rains and it pours when you're out on your own_

_If i crash on the couch can i sleep in my clothes?_

_'cause I've spent the night dancing I'm drunk i suppose_

_If it looks like I'm laughing I'm really just asking to leave_

I slide my hands up the pole and grasp onto it as I lacemy leg around it and spin around, I stop gracefully and head towards the left side of the stage to dance for the men sitting at the tables there, I let my hands travel up and down my body, I get close enough for them to slip money into my garter.

_This alone you're in time for the show_

_You're the one that i need I'm the one that you loathe_

_You can watch me corrode like a beast in repose_

_'cause i love all the poison away with the boys in the band_

_I've really been on a bender and it shows_

_So why don't you blow me a kiss before she goes?_

I strut down the center of the stage again and I turn around, swiveling my hips as I reach up to undo my bra sliding the straps down my arms looking coyly over my shoulder. When it's off I toss it behind me. I place my hands behind my neck and turn back around slowly, my hands rubbing my breasts and sliding their way down to my thighs before I let my skirt flip up to tease them. The men in the club are all cheering and throwing money at me, but all I notice are the looks of complete shock on all of the Cullens' faces, especially Edward's and I can't help but smirk a little.

_Give me a shot to remember_

_And you can take all the pain away from me_

_A kiss and I will surrender_

_The sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead_

I get down on my knees and crawl towards the front of the stage before I flip to lie on my back as I spread my legs into a full split, showing everyone just what is under the skirt I'm wearing as I run my hands down between my legs for a brief moment. Clearly the guys notice because the cheering gets louder.

_A light to burn all the empires_

_So bright the sun is ashamed to rise and be_

_In love with all of these vampires_

_So you can leave like the sane abandoned me_

I get up and move the rest of the way to the front of the stage where the stairs are for me to go into the audience. As I walk down the stairs, I unzip the skirt and as soon as it's off I throw it directly towards Edward. I dance my way towards where the Cullens' are sitting and as soon as I get there I straddle Esme as I grind on her lap, my chest lined up perfectly with her face.

_There's a place in the dark where the animals go_

_You can take off your skin in the cannibal glow_

_Juliet loves the beat and the lust it commands_

_Drop the dagger and lather the blood on your hands Romeo_

I move off of Esme and briefly sit in Carlisle's lap with my back to him as I grind on him as well. I move on to Rosalie next as I run my hands down her body as I put her hands on my chest.

_I've really been on a bender and it shows_

_So why don't you blow me a kiss before she goes?_

I go up to Emmett next and run my hands up and down his thighs and crotch before I lean in and put his face in my chest as I dance in front of him.

_Give me a shot to remember_

_And you can take all the pain away from me_

_A kiss and i will surrender_

_The sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead_

I move on to Edward, who I was saving for last, running my hand up and down my body as I sway my hips as I approach him. I straddle Edward and grind on him while I put his hands on my chest. I turn around and sit back on his lap with my back facing him and then I bend over as I stand up in front of him, making sure he gets a good view of my naked core.

_A light to burn all the empires_

_So bright the sun is ashamed to rise and be_

_In love with all of these vampires_

_So you can leave like the sane abandoned me_

I walk away from the Cullens and head back towards the stage, stopping and dancing in front of a few other customers before making my way back up onto the stage.

_Give me a shot to remember_

_And you can take all the pain away from me_

_A kiss and i will surrender_

_The sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead_

I dance back to the pole and spin around it again, and do a few more tricks where I hold onto the pole with just my legs as I slide down. I start to dance my way towards the back of the stage letting guys put money in my garter along the way.

_A light to burn all the empires_

_So bright the sun is ashamed to rise and be_

_In love with all of these vampires_

_So you can leave like the sane abandoned me_

I walk off the stage, and go straight to the private room I usually use, and throw on my black robe. I know Riley will have the usual announcement made that I will be available in a private room, and am hoping that everything goes according to plan and it's the Cullens who purchase the time with me tonight. I start to get nervous as I wait because tonight can go one of two ways. Either the Cullens will still accept me, or they are going to walk away again.

Before I know it, there is a knock on the door, and Riley tells me that my clients for the evening are ready for me. After he leaves, the Cullens walk into the room. All of them are here including Edward. I must admit that I was surprised he came and if I'm really honest I only wanted him here so that I could try to make him hurt the way he hurt me when he left. I motion towards the couches and they all sit.

No one speaks for a minute and then Edward just looks at me – the pained look in his eyes showing that I succeeded in what I set out to do with him tonight – shakes his head, and walks out of the room. The rest of the Cullens make no move to leave, which brings a small feeling of relief to me for now, but they haven't made an attempt to speak yet, nor have they even attempted to make eye contact with me, so I really have no clue what they are thinking. I don't expect Alice or Jasper to have much to say, I've already discussed all of this with them, but the silence from the others is starting to freak me out.

After what seems like an eternity, Emmett speaks up "Why?" is all he asks.

I sigh and take a breath before I explain. "Because Emmett. I don't even have a high school diploma. I couldn't even get a job at Burger King if I tried. Besides, I already told you about my habit. It's an expensive thing to have, and even without that, I needed money. When I first was on my own, I made my money last for a bit by just buying food and living out of my truck, but even then, I didn't have much and eventually I had to sell the truck so I'd have some cash in my pockets. Once that ran out, I had nowhere to go and I refused to make the call to ask Charlie for help. I lived on the streets, moved from town to town by hitching rides and doing whatever I had to so I could get money. Eventually I ended up here. I met Bree and she told me about the club and helped me get a job here. The money I make here is enough to take care of my needs if I'm good and budget it the right way. Besides, it's really not so bad working here."

I hear Rosalie scoff at the last thing I say and I look over to her. "Something you want to say Rose?"

"Bella, you can't seriously think this isn't a bad place to work. There has to be some place, anywhere that's better than working here and taking your clothes off every night. And these private rooms, do I even want to know what you do back here for customers?"

I shake my head, not really wanting to go further into my reasons for choosing this line of work. "You don't understand. None of you do, none of you could" I say and just look away from everyone on the couch as I try to hide the fact that I'm on the verge of tears.

"Then explain so we do understand Bella. Earlier today you asked us for our help, and we want to help you, but we need help too, we need you to help us understand what you've gone through so we can help you move past it" Esme says. I turn and look at them all sitting on the couch. None of them have judgmental looks on their faces; so far, all they have asked for was for an explanation. The only one who seems to have already passed judgment was Edward when he walked out the door, but then again, I wasn't expecting much else from him anyway.

I take a deep breath and then I finally answer Esme. "It lets me forget... Having this job lets me forget what he said to me the day he left…when he told me I wasn't worth it and that I wasn't good enough. I know he's probably right, that I'm not good enough, and that I'm not worth it, but when I'm on that stage and all the attention is on me, and everyone in the room wants me…it makes me feel, even if it's only for a few minutes, that I am good enough."

"Good enough for what?" asks Carlisle. I finally make eye contact with him, the tears I've been trying to fight back streaming down my face and say "Good enough to be loved." As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I completely break down in tears. I'm not sure who it is, but the last thing I feel as I cry myself to sleep is being surrounded by the cool arms of a vampire as they tell me "You've always been loved. We'll always love you, nothing will ever change that."

**A/N: And now the Cullens know about where Bella works. Bella opened up a bit too…a bit more than I originally planned for her to in this chapter, but it all just kind of worked out this way. So what did you all think of Edward just walking out? What about how the rest of the Cullens reacted? Review and let me know. I promise that if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up sometime between Tuesday and Wednesday. Thanks for reading!**

**Some Recs for all of you:**

**The Sovereign Six by Holly1980**

**Rabbit Heart by KitsuShel**

**Million Dollar Baby by clpsuperstar**


	14. Decision Time

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I wish it was, but it's not, because if it was, I would totally be  
re-enacting Bella's dance scene with Rob right now. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: So Bella finally had a bit of a breakthrough with the Cullens towards the end of the last chapter. I want to take a moment and give a shout out to Twific Pimps who rec'd me on their site on Friday. Make sure you all check out their site at www(dot)twificpimps(dot)com. Also I want to give a shout out to RobandKrisChick for giving me my 100****th**** review! I was totally shocked to see my story break 100 reviews, so I want to say thanks to all of you for reading and reviewing and rec'ing my story. Also, don't forget to check out the blog for this story (link is on my profile).**

**Chapter 14: Decision Time**

**Song: Sober by Pink**

***EsPOV***

My heart breaks as Bella answers me and I listen to her explain "It lets me forget... Having this job lets me forget what he said to me the day he left…when he told me I wasn't worth it and that I wasn't good enough. I know he's probably right, that I'm not good enough, and that I'm not worth it, but when I'm on that stage, and all the attention is on me, and everyone in the room wants me…it makes me feel, even if it's only for a few minutes, that I am good enough."

"Good enough for what?" asks Carlisle. I finally see Bella make eye contact with him, the streaming down her face as she responds. "Good enough to be loved." As soon as the words are out of her mouth, she completely breaks down in tears, and I swear if I could cry I would have been crying too. Before my mind even registers the movement, I go to Bella, wrapping her in my arms and tell her "You've always been loved. We'll always love you, nothing will ever change that."

As soon as I feel Bella's body relax, I know she's fallen asleep. I look at the rest of my family, knowing we need to come up with a plan to try to help Bella feel whole again. Addressing all of them, I explain what I'm thinking.

"Right now we need to get Bella home. I think the best bet will be to bring her to the apartment so we don't have to worry about Edward showing up. I know we all need to discuss what happened tonight but right now we need to focus on Bella. We're going to have to talk to her about all of this, and we need to bring up the drugs again. After everything that happened today I don't know where she stands with wanting to get clean, and we need to figure that out. But I will tell all of you right now, whatever her decisions are, we need to support them. I will give her however much time she needs to get through all of this. I hope all of you will too."

Everyone else nods in agreement with what I just said. Rosalie opens her mouth to say something, but shuts it just a fast. "What is it Rose?" I ask. Shaking her head she says "It's nothing we can address right now, but at some point we need to deal with Edward. I don't know exactly what happened when he ended things with Bella and before now I never felt like it was any of our business, but now…now we really need to know, because whatever he said has clearly left its mark on Bella."

"I agree with you Rose" says Carlisle. "We definitely need to figure out how to handle this whole situation with Edward, but for now let's just focus on Bella. I think we should get her home, and when she wakes up, I think we should talk to her about everything."

We all agree, and with Bella still in my arms, we leave the club through the exit Alice says to use so that we don't get noticed by anyone. When we get back to the apartment I put Bella on her bed in her room, and gently shut the door behind me before I go back to the living room where the rest of my family is sitting. None of us seem to know what to really do, so we all just sit and wait for Bella.

***BPOV***

Rolling over, I wake up, and realize I'm not at the club any more. Looking around, I notice that I'm back in my room in Alice and Jasper's apartment. I don't remember coming back here. I think back to last night and groan as I remember everything that happened – the Cullens coming to the club, Edward walking out, and me blubbering like a fool as I explained to the Cullens why I even worked at the club in the first place.

Looking at the clock on the night stand I see that it's already ten in the morning, and figure I might as well get up and get the day over with. I highly doubt the Cullens have left me alone and I figure it will be easier to just face them and get things over with considering they never really voiced their opinions on my job choice, and honestly if they are going to turn me away I'd rather get it done quickly. I get out of bed and shuffle over to my closet and grab some clothes and then head over to the bathroom. I turn on the shower and brush my teeth while I wait for the water to heat up.

Once the water is hot, I jump in the shower, letting the water run over me in an attempt to relax my muscles but it doesn't work. I'm still too nervous over my impending conversation with everyone. I give up on trying to soothe my muscles and quickly wash my body and hair. I shut off the water, dry off and throw on my clothes. After I'm dressed I brush my hair and throw it up into a bun. Looking at myself in the mirror, I notice how much I look like shit

. My eyes are red and puffy from crying last night, and there are dark circles under them even though I slept last night. My skin is paler than it usually is, and my face looks thinner, like I've begun to start to look underweight – note to self, try to remember to eat more frequently. Sighing to myself as I realize there is no immediate fix for how horrible I look, I shut off the light in the bathroom and head out of my bedroom and into the living room where I am sure everyone is waiting for me.

My suspicions are confirmed as I walk into the living room and I see all of the Cullens sitting around with one member of the family being noticeably absent. Of course, I didn't expect Edward to be here and I'm kind of glad he isn't. I don't think I'm ready to deal with him yet, and the more I can avoid him the better off I'll be. As soon as everyone hears me enter the room they all look at me, each with a similar look on their face – a sad smile as they try to hide the pity that I can see in their eyes. No one makes a move to say anything so I sit down in one of the chairs and figure I might as well make it easier for them and get the conversation started.

"So…no one wants to talk about last night?" I ask. The looks on all of their faces is priceless. I guess they didn't expect me to just dive right in. "Look" I sigh. "I just want to get this whole discussion out of the way. If you all are just going to leave me and go running for the hills, then I'd rather get it done quick so I can pack my shit and try to find a place to crash for the night so I don't have to rough it in an alley again."

I guess they didn't expect me to be so blunt and honest either because they all just stare at me after I finish speaking. We sit in a sort of stare down for what seems like hours when Carlisle finally speaks. "We're not going anywhere Bella. I speak for all of us when I say that. I can't lie and say that we're happy about your job or where you work, because we're not. We're not going to judge you for it though either. You're an adult Bella, free to choose what you want to do with your life, and that includes making the decision about where you work and how you make money. However, I can say that after what we talked about with you last night, we do have a better understanding as to why you work where you do. Like I said Bella, we're not going anywhere. We love you and we're here for you, so please don't think you need to leave because you don't. "

My surprise must be all over my face as Carlisle speaks to me, because when he finishes talking, everyone comes to hug me, murmuring words of how they are here to help me and how everything is going to be ok. I walked into this room expecting to be thrown away like a piece of trash, expecting another person to tell me how I wasn't worth it or how I'm not good enough to be part of the family; but all they offered was acceptance, and I finally feel the tension in my body melt away.

Esme comes to sit next to me, and as she sits down she takes my hand in hers. "Bella, there is one other thing we would like to talk to you about." I get nervous; because I'm pretty sure she's going to want to talk about Edward, and this topic is a complete no go for me right now. "Um…sure Esme, what is it?" I reply.

"Well, honey" Esme says. "We were just wondering…well, we were all thinking about what you spoke to us about yesterday. You know, about the drugs and wanting Carlisle and all of us to help you get off of them, and we just wanted to know if that is still the plan." I wasn't expecting this, because honestly I don't know what I want anymore, but just as I'm about to respond, Emmett speaks. "Bella, just know, whatever your decision is, its ok. If you're not ready yet we'll understand, but we really do hope you'll at least think about accepting our help now."

I nod, and think for a minute. I don't know what to do, and after how understanding they have been about everything – from my job, to the drugs, to how I acted when I saw Edward – I figure I at least owe them my decision today, rather than make them wait. "This is a lot to think about you guys, and I want to be able to give you an answer today. I just need a little time alone to sort this all out in my head. I'm gonna go to my room and try to figure this all out. I'll let you all know my decision in a little bit." As soon as I'm done talking, I don't even wait for them to respond; I just get up and head back to my room, shutting my door behind me.

Sitting on the couch in my room, I stare out the window trying to figure out just how I managed to get my life so complicated. So much was revealed between last night and this morning. Everything the Cullens said rolls through my brain, but none of it makes my decision any easier. I know this should be an easy choice, but when you've only lived one way for so long, it's hard to open up and accept change, even when you know it will only make your life better.

I think about the past five years and everything I've been through. Hopping from town to town, doing things I'm not proud of just to get enough money to survive, let alone support the habit I managed to pick up. I hate to admit it, even to myself, but the inevitable truth is that the drugs are my security blanket. They let me escape from hurting or remembering things that I don't want or have the strength to deal with.

I've been using so long now; and I realize I don't even know how to feel, or act, or just live without the drugs anymore. I think about the times I've tried getting myself to stop, how sick I would get when I would run out or try to not use. I'd manage to somehow stop for a while and things would be good for a while, and then something would happen, a memory would be triggered, and everything would be bad again and as much as I would tell myself that I'd never use again, I swear the drugs would be like a demon that was haunting me.

I'd walk the streets at night when I had nowhere else to go. Passing by all the dealers as a battle waged within me – two sides of myself fighting for dominance – I tried to stay away from using but I knew the guys on the streets could get me what I wanted, and it was like in my head I could hear them taunting me, calling me to come and get what I wanted – what I needed, and I know it would be my own fault. I'm the one who let myself fall back into my old habit and for that I'm the only one to blame.

I want so bad to get my life on track, and to some degree I think I already have by having the Cullens back in my life. I, at least I don't have to worry about ending up on the streets anymore. I just don't think, with everything else that's changing in my life, I'm going to be able to handle it alone. I don't know if I'm ready to give up my security blanket yet, or if I ever will be. Maybe this is just how everything is going to be from now on, and I'm just going to have to learn to live with it and accept it.

Sighing, look at the clock and see that I've been in my room for over an hour hashing all of this out. I've talked myself in circles behind this, and when I realize I've already made up my mind, I head back into the living room to tell everyone my decision.

I head back into the living room, and see that everyone is still there, pretty much in the same way that I left them earlier. I know what I have to say, so I figure I might as well just say it and get it over with.

"OK, so I've thought everything over. I appreciate that you all are willing to help me but I'm just not ready right now, and honestly I don't know if I ever will be. I'm not saying that I'm outright refusing; I'll still keep it in the back of my mind and think about it more, and I promise that if I ever am ready you all will be the first to know."

I sit down after I'm done talking without looking any of them in the eye. I'm sure what I've just said has hurt them, and I can't help feel guilty about that but I need to live my life my way. I'm brought out of my internal musings by Jasper. "Bella listen to me" he says as he lifts my face so I'm looking him in the eye. "You have no reason to feel guilty. We accept your decision. We know things are difficult right now, and we're here to support you however you need us to. It's ok that you're not ready now. The important thing is the other part of what you said – you're still keeping the idea in the back of your mind. That's all that we'd ever ask of you. We love you Bella, and we only want you to be happy."

"Thanks Jasper" I say as I think over what he just told me. The last few words running over in my head, and I realize for the first time, that I truly believe him when he tells me that the Cullens love me.

**A/N: Some progress being made in this chapter between the Cullens and Bella. I know there are still some unanswered questions as far as Edward is concerned, but they will get answered, I promise. So what do you all think about Bella's decision? What about the Cullens decision to just accept Bella's choice? Review and let me know. I promise that if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up sometime between Friday and Saturday. Thanks for reading!**

**Some Recs for all of you:**

**A Sub Search by TeamAllTwilight**

**Be My Sub by nails233**

**Fridays at Noon by troublefollows1017**


	15. Truths Discovered

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I wish it was, but it's not, because if it was, I would totally be  
on my way to Vancouver for the second part of filming Breaking Dawn. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: So Bella opted to not get clean, and the Cullens have accepted this decision. We still have no clue how Edward feels about things, even though we know his family is less than happy with him. I guess we'll have to see what happens next time he sees everyone. Time wise, this story started on Bella's birthday (Sept. 13) and at this point in the story (the night the Cullens all go to the club) is somewhere around the October 6. This chapter will span a short period of time of around two or three weeks starting from October 6. Thanks to all of you for reading and reviewing and rec'ing my story. Also, don't forget to check out the blog for this story (link is on my profile) – I'll be adding a timeline for the story to it so it's easier to understand how much time has passed as the chapters from here on out may take place over prolonged periods of time**

**Chapter 15: Truths Discovered**

**Song: You Are Loved by Josh Groban**

***EPOV***

As soon as I saw Bella on stage, it took every ounce of control I had not to run on stage, grab her, and run out of the club. Seeing her do the things she was doing on stage was one thing, but to hear all of the vile, repulsive thoughts of the men in the audience as she was doing them was another thing all together. By the time we got back stage and bought the private time with Bella, I was at my wits end. I couldn't believe that this was my Bella, the girl I loved and still hoped to spend forever with. Maybe everyone was telling the truth when they said she had changed. I just couldn't believe that I could be so wrong about this.

Once everyone got into that sleazy room in the back of the club, I didn't know what to do. I wanted to shake Bella and scream at her that she was too good to be working in a place like that club, and that she needed to have more respect for herself. The thoughts of everyone in my family were overwhelming to say the least. I couldn't stay there anymore, let alone look at Bella. Every time I did I would remember the things that those men were thinking of doing to her. I had to get out of there, so I did the only thing I could think of – I left, went home, and locked myself in my room.

I knew eventually I would have to deal with everyone else, I just didn't expect it to be the next day. As soon as I hear them come home, Carlisle calls me out telling me it's time for a family meeting. Sighing, I leave my room and make my way downstairs to the dining room where everyone else is waiting for me. I make my way over to the remaining empty chair and sit down. Not really in the mood for this I say "Alright, let's just get this over with already."

I guess none of them are in a particularly good mood because as soon as the words are out of my mouth, they all hiss at me and Esme puts me in my place. "Don't you take that tone with me mister. I am still your mother and vampire or not, I will take you across my knee and teach you some respect. We have a lot to discuss, all of it concerning Bella, whom if I'm not mistaken, I thought you wanted back." She glares at me after she's done chastising me, and I can do nothing but just hang my head because I know she's right.

"I'm sorry Esme. It's just this whole situation is so screwed up. Seeing her like that last night, that wasn't the Bella I know. I want her back Esme. I want my Bella back. You have no idea how bad I want her back, but I just don't know what to do…" I trail off as I try to get my emotions back under control.

"Did you ever stop and think about what your role in all of this is Edward?" Rosalie asks me. I'm not quite sure what she means, so I ask her "What is that supposed to mean?"

"I mean, did you ever once stop and think if whether or not you leaving Bella had anything to do with how she is now?" I scoff as I hear Rose say this. I mean, I'm sure Bella was hurt when we left, but I doubt it had anything to do with her working at a strip club. I mean something else must have happened for her to be in this sort of position.

"No Rose, I haven't. I mean, I know she's upset with me. I expected that, but I don't see how my leaving her five years ago is connected to her taking her clothes off for money." I shout. I'm losing my patience here, and I know I really need to try to calm down. Just as I'm about to say something more, Emmett cuts me off.

"Well maybe you should. Just exactly how did you end things with Bella back in Forks? What did you say to her?" Now he's just prying where he has no business sticking his nose. "That's none of your concern Emmett. What was said between me and Bella that day is private and no one's business but mine and Bella's." I stand up and get ready to just walk out of the room.

This whole conversation is starting to get out of control. All I want to know is what, if anything Bella has said about me so I can try to figure out what to do to get her to at least listen to me long enough for me to explain that I still love her and want her back. I'm brought out of my silent thoughts when Alice says "You might want to reconsider that Edward. What you said _is_ our business if you want _your_ Bella back. You think seeing her at the club was screwed up? You have no idea what she's been through, and what you said to her is more important than you could even imagine. So, I'm going to ask you again, just what exactly was said when you left her in Forks?"

I struggle as I try to figure out what Alice means when she said that what I told Bella that day is more important that I realize, but Alice silently answers this question for me when she starts thinking about the family's conversation with Bella last night in the room at the club. I can see Emmett asking Bella why she works there and then I hear Bella's answer_…_

"_Because Emmett. I don't even have a high school diploma. I couldn't even get a job at Burger King if I tried. Besides, I already told you about my habit. It's an expensive thing to have, and even without that, I needed money. When I first was on my own, I made my money last for a bit by just buying food and living out of my truck, but even then, I didn't have much and eventually I had to sell the truck so I'd have some cash in my pockets. Once that ran out, I had nowhere to go and I refused to make the call to ask Charlie for help. I lived on the streets, moved from town to town by hitching rides and doing whatever I had to so I could get money. Eventually I ended up here. I met Bree, and she told me about the club and helped me get a job here. The money I make here is enough to take care of my needs if I'm good and budget it the right way. Besides, it's really not so bad working here."_

"Oh my God" I whisper. I turn to my family, who clearly already knows what Alice is showing me in her mind and say "I had no idea." "We know you didn't Edward. You were too wrapped up in your pity party and self-loathing" Alice tells me. "But you need to hear the rest to really understand." Not sure if I can really handle the rest, I just nod to Alice and the next thing I know, I'm seeing Bella in Alice's thoughts as she continues to explain her job choice…

"_It lets me forget... Having this job lets me forget what he said to me the day he left…when he told me I wasn't worth it and that I wasn't good enough. I know he's probably right, that I'm not good enough, and that I'm not worth it, but when I'm on that stage, and all the attention is on me, and everyone in the room wants me…it makes me feel, even if it's only for a few minutes, that I am good enough." _I see Carlisle asking her what she meant by good enough, and it's her response to this that finally breaks me when I hear her say _"Good enough to be loved."_

As soon as I hear the last of what Bella says, my knees give out and I collapse to the floor sobbing. "What have I done? I did this, this is all my fault. How could she ever want me back now?" I cry as I look around at the faces of my family. I feel nothing but shame. I left Bella in the hopes that she would be able to live a normal, happy life. But I was so wrong in making that decision, more wrong than I can ever imagine.

I finally get up off the floor and sit back in my chair, too ashamed to meet their eyes and ask "What do you want to know?" It's Emmett who answers. "We need to know exactly what happened the day you left Bella. What was said between the two of you…until we know that, we won't truly be able to help her."

I nod, knowing how disappointed my family must be in me and how much more so they will be once I finish explaining.

"The day I left Bella was the day I had to tell the biggest lie of my existence. I took her to the woods behind Charlie's house after school and told her that we needed to talk. I told her that the family needed to leave, that people were starting to talk and notice how Carlisle was older than he looked. She was so ready to leave with us, no questions asked. All she said she needed was to come up with some excuse to tell Charlie. I told her she misunderstood, that it was just the family going, not her. That's when she realized what I was saying. She begged me not to leave her, told me she couldn't live without me, that she didn't want to. She demanded that I take her with us. I never wanted to hurt her, but I knew how stubborn she could be, and realized that hurting her would be the only way for her to let me go. So I told her I didn't want her anymore. She started begging and pleading with me, and I couldn't take it anymore – I felt my resolve crumbling – I was almost ready to just give in to her, but I just wanted to give her the chance at a normal life, free from the dangers of our world so I did the only thing I could think of. I told her that I didn't love her. That being with her wasn't good for me, and that I should never have let our relationship go on for as long as it did. Then I promised that she would never hear from any of us again, and that she could go on with her life as if we never existed. She looked like she was physically trying to hold herself together at that point, and I couldn't bear it to see her break down so I just turned and ran. The last thing I remember hearing was her screaming out in the middle of the woods for me to come back."

As soon as I finished explaining everything to my family, I run from the room and out of the house. I don't want to have to be around to hear everyone's thoughts about how cruel I was or how much of a disappointment I am. The one thought I register as I leave is Carlisle who tells me _"Don't be gone too long son, we still love you, and we're going to work this all out together."_

***JPOV***

None of us knew what to say or do after Edward explained to us what happened between him and Bella; I mean we all loved him, he is part of our family after all, but I do think in that moment we all wanted to give him a swift kick in the baby maker. We were all aware of the fact that he always tended to have a flair for the dramatic, but in this case everyone agreed that he took things too far, and it took everything I had to calm Emmett and Rose down enough so that they wouldn't go after him and tear him limb from limb. All we knew was that we needed to sit down with Bella again and really explain to her that we understood that we hurt her and how sorry we were that we left her the way we did. Knowing how Edward ended things with her explained a lot about why Bella ended up where she is now, and now we all had a clear idea of just how much work it was going to take to piece Bella back together again.

Admittedly we were all disappointed when she said she didn't want to get clean yet, but the reality was we all preferred her to be honest with us, because if she really wasn't ready, then anything we did wouldn't have worked anyway. All we could do at this point was just be there and support her and hope that someday soon she changed her mind. It was the same with her working at the club. None of us really enjoyed knowing what she did for money, but again, it needed to be her choice about what she did for a job, so we all accepted it as best we could, and tried to move on from there.

When we finally had our second talk with Bella, each of us spent one on one time with her and took ownership of our choice to leave her. As much as it killed us all to admit it, we each could have chosen to stay behind in Forks with her, and we all failed to do so, leaving her alone when she truly needed us the most. The day was an emotional one, and not surprisingly, Bella ended up spending quite a bit of time alone in her bathroom after all was said and done. We all knew she was using to cope with the emotions, and if we weren't sure, we all could smell it in her scent when she finally came back out to the living room.

For all of the pain those conversations may have caused us and Bella, I think it helped move us all along. Bella never came out and fully accepted our apologies, but she did thank us for being honest with her, and since that day things with Bella have been getting better. She stopped shying away from us when we would express our feelings towards her, reminding her of how much we cared about her and loved her, and even though she would never outright return the sentiment, I could feel how she felt – that she did still care about us all, even Edward, though you would never be able to get her to admit it.

These past few weeks Bella's been opening up more too, talking more openly about her past, and even though she's still dancing at the club, and is still using, she seems to be using and working a little less than she did when we first found her. It's progress at least, which is all we've been hoping for and it's more than what I can say as far as Edward is concerned.

After our talk with him the day after we all went to the club, Edward just retreated more into himself and now we barely see him anymore. We had all hoped that him finally understanding what's going on with Bella would snap him out of his woe is me routine and kick him into gear to try to work towards helping Bella, but it's as if he's trying to avoid us all together now. He's barely at home much anymore and when he is it's usually just a brief enough stay to shower, change his clothes, and maybe spend an hour or two locked up in his room. Alice couldn't even see anything about his future because he seemed to be making all of his decisions last minute and when we tried piecing it all together, none of it made any sense. I more than anyone else in the family know what he's feeling, and I can understand the guilt he feels, but it's also like he's hiding something else, because while the guilt is his predominant emotion, everything else he's been feeling has been all over the chart from happy to angry to disappointment and everything in between.

We all knew we wanted Bella to get her life back together, and we all had agreed that we wanted her to remain a part of this family for as long as she wanted, whether that meant until the end of her natural life, or her becoming like us, we'd accept it either way but none of us knew how to present that option to her or if she would even want it. The problem was dealing with Edward. We knew Bella didn't want to deal with him now, even though we all suspected she still had feelings for him, and as far as we were aware, Edward was still of the mind that he wanted Bella back. The issue was, at this point, with Edward's constant absences, and Bella's refusal to even really discuss Edward at all, none of us had any idea of how to try to move things forward. All we could hope for was that Edward would decide to stop his disappearing act soon, and come up with a solution to fixing things with Bella before he was too late.

**A/N: Now we've finally gotten to see the whole club incident from Edward's POV, and we found out just what happened when he left Bella back in Forks. How do you all feel about how Edward ended things with Bella, and what do you all think about his suspicious little disappearing act now? Any ideas on what he may or may not be up to? Review and let me know. I promise that if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up sometime between Tuesday and Wednesday. Thanks for reading!**

**Some Recs for all of you:**

**29 Dimensions by Catastrophia**

**The Third Wife by nails233**

**Hunks Hauling Junk by Missus Robinson**


	16. Keeping Watch

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I wish it was, but it's not, I am however the proud owner of the Jane Barbie doll that was just released last week so yay for me. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: It seems like a lot of you were divided on the last chapter about Edward. Some of you felt sorry for him, while others were ready to stand in line with Jasper to get in a kick to Edward's baby maker. I'll keep this note sort as I have a longer one with an important announcement at the end of the chapter. Thanks to all of you for reading and reviewing and rec'ing my story. **

**Chapter 16: Keeping Watch**

**Song: Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus**

***EPOV***

I ran from the room and out of the house. I didn't want to have to be around to hear everyone's thoughts about how cruel I was or how much of a disappointment I am. The one thought I registered as I leave is Carlisle who tells me _"Don't be gone too long son, we still love you, and we're going to work this all out together."_ His words offered little comfort in the wake of everything I found out. I couldn't believe just how wrong I was about everything. I was so sure I had made the right decision in leaving Bella, so sure that she would be safe if she wasn't exposed to my world, when the reality was that she probably would have been safer if I had stayed. Now it was up to me to fix this.

My protective instincts immediately kicked in. I had to be near Bella now even though I knew she wanted nothing to do with me at the moment. Knowing everything that happened and just how hurt she was, I needed to make sure she was ok now. Before I even noticed what I was doing, I started following her wherever she went, even to work, as much as it killed me. I would always sit in the back or near the bar so she never noticed me, but whenever she would work the private rooms I had to leave. I wouldn't go far, but I couldn't bear to hear the grunts, groans, and deplorable thoughts of the men she was being paid to do things to, let alone hear how she sounded like she enjoyed being with them.

I tried to stop following her after a few days, but I couldn't bear being away from her. I felt as though I turned into a guardian angel of sorts for Bella, and since I knew my family wouldn't really share much with me in regards to Bella's life, this was my way of knowing what was going on with her. I just had to be careful on days when she would spend time with the family. I couldn't afford to be discovered. If I was spotted I was sure it would completely destroy any chance of being with Bella again. It was just a matter of time before Bella would want to talk with me again – at least that's what I was telling myself.

The hardest day was the day my family all spoke to Bella about when they left Forks. Hearing how much my decision hurt not only Bella but also my family made me feel even worse about what I did, but I think what completely shattered me was Bella's reactions any time I was mentioned. Her entire demeanor would change; as if she was starting to close in on herself – it reminded me of how she looked the day I ended things when she was trying to hold herself together. Every time I would be mentioned Bella would have the same response and tell whoever mentioned me that she didn't want to talk about me and that she just wanted to try to move on with her life. Hearing Bella say these things cut straight to my heart, and only strengthened my resolve to make things better.

I was happy to see that things between Bella and my family were getting better and I was even happier when I noticed she was spending a little less time at work, and that she had managed to not use the drugs so much. If I could have, I would have disposed of her dealer, but I knew she would either suspect me or my family of having something to do with it, so I just left it alone for now so that I wouldn't cause any more problems. She needed people around her to help her through everything right now, and considering Charlie wasn't in the picture, Bella having my family around was just what she needed. I couldn't even think about how Bella's life would have continued to go if Alice and Jazz had never stumbled upon her that night.

As time went on I noticed my family was trying to figure out what I was doing while I was away so much. They couldn't figure out where I was going, and were getting frustrated by my absence, feeling as though I was only trying to avoid everything all together. I made a mental note to be home more, so I made sure that when I would stop at home to change my clothes and shower, that I would also spend a few hours in my room, not that anyone ever really tried talking to me either. I guess they were waiting for me to make the first move. I wish I was able to, but I just didn't know how to face them after I told them how shamefully I acted towards Bella when I left her. I was far too afraid to hear what they had to say.

Tonight though, I must say was my luckiest night so far of watching Bella. Back in Forks, I was always able to get into her room as she slept. I would sit and watch her sleep, it was the one time I could gain insight into her mind since she would talk as she slept. Bella had stayed late at the club tonight and decided to just stay the night in one of the private rooms instead of heading back home. Seeing that she was staying the night, I made sure to hide away in the back of the club until I was sure everyone else had left.

I know following and watching Bella like this was probably wrong, but it was the only way I could be close to her again since she still refused to even mention my name, let alone be in the same room as me – knowingly at least. After I heard Bella's breathing even out I knew she was asleep and I made my way into the room she was sleeping in. Seeing her curled up on the couch asleep made me smile. I haven't seen such a peaceful look on her face since we were still together in Forks, and as happy it made me to see her so free from worry, it pained me all the same to know that I was the cause of all the stress and heartache she has had to deal with for the past five years.

Before I even knew what I was doing, I found myself sitting next to Bella on the couch as she slept, and I couldn't help but reach out and brush the hair away from her face. Feeling the warmth of her skin against my fingers, and that familiar tingle I had always felt whenever we had touched all those years ago stirred up all of my emotions, reaffirming for me just how much I loved this girl and how much I needed to have her back in my life. I just sat there for hours as I watched her sleep, finally feeling peace myself from being near my love again.

When I finally checked my watch I saw that morning would be coming soon, and while I knew that I should get out of sight soon I just couldn't bear to tear myself away from her. Praying that she wouldn't wake any time soon, I decided to take my opportunity to talk to Bella, even though she was sleeping and would never really hear these words, this would have to do until she was actually willing to listen to me.

Continuing to stroke her hair, I finally found the words I wanted to say and began to speak.

"Bella, I know I have done so much to hurt you and I am so sorry my love. There is so much that I wish I could take back or go back in time to change. I wish you would be willing to talk to me Bella, there is so much I want to say, but you're not ready yet and I'm willing to wait until you are. After all, I have all the time in the world. As hard as keeping a distance from you has been, I felt like watching you these past few weeks has let me rediscover just how much I love you. Every time I see you smile I feel so jealous of whoever put the smile on your face because I wish it was me doing it. I'm finally figuring out how much I've hurt you and knowing that I ever hurt you in the first place absolutely kills me and breaks my heart. But I promise you Bella I will never hurt you again and I will be the man you need me to be. I will always be there for you, and any time you fall I will help you to pick yourself back up again. I need you back Bella, and I know we could be great together if you just give us a second chance. You're my true love, my whole heart. You've always owned my heart, please don't throw it away. Please don't walk away from us. I need to hear you tell me that you'll stay because as long as I have you, no matter what else happens, I know I'll be okay. I just need you to give me the chance."

I'm quiet for a moment after I finish pouring my heart out, and I know I need to leave Bella's side. Sighing as I stand up, I stop for a moment and gently kiss Bella's cheek before I turn, leave the room, and make my way out of the club, As soon as I get outside I stop short when I see Esme standing there waiting for me. As soon as I see her I brace myself for whatever she has to say, as well as pray that she didn't hear any of what I just said to Bella.

"How did I know I'd find you here Edward? How long have you been following Bella?"Esme asks.

"Since the day I told you what I said to her when we broke up. It just happened. I don't know what else to do. Knowing how much I've hurt her I just want to make sure she's ok now. I never made actual contact with her until now, I swear" I reply before asking "How long were you waiting here?"

"I've been standing here long enough; I heard everything you said to her Edward. You shouldn't be doing this. Not when Bella clearly said she doesn't want you around right now. I'm sorry if it hurts to hear that son, but you need to respect Bella's wishes. You're just lucky I figured this out before everyone else. Your brothers and sisters would have torn you to pieces if they found out first, which they were pretty close to doing by the way." I know Esme's right, I really should be respectful of what Bella wanted but I just couldn't help myself.

"I don't know if I can just stay away Esme, I miss her too much." I say, hoping to convince Esme to keep my secret and let me continue to keep watch over Bella, but the look in Esme's eyes tells me that she won't be letting me off the hook for this.

"Edward, you know I won't be able to keep this from Bella. We all made promises to her that we'd be honest with her. I can't in good conscience not tell her about this. I know you mean well son, and I don't wish to cause you any pain, but Bella is my daughter too and I know what she said she wants right now. I will do whatever it takes to keep her from getting hurt again, even if that means I need to protect her from you. So now it's your choice…either I can set it up so that you can tell her yourself or I can go and tell her for you." I sigh at the thought about having to admit all of this to Bella. I have no clue how she'll react, and I'm afraid she'll have an even worse reaction if she hears it second hand, then again, it just may be my own selfishness knowing that if I explain this to her that it gives me a chance to be near her again. Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I turn to Esme to give her my answer. "I'll do it Esme…I'll tell her myself."

Esme nods as she hears my decision. "You're making the right choice Edward. I'll arrange for her to come over the house tomorrow. You can tell her then. And don't think of just not showing up, because if you're not there then I'll just tell her myself. Now I think it's time that you go home and stay there. If I find you following Bella again I will send your brothers out after you."

Unsure of what else to say, I just nod and head back home, praying that when I talk to Bella tomorrow I won't have destroyed any chance I might have had with her.

**A/N: So now we know what Edward's disappearing act was all about. Some of you guessed right in your reviews from last chapter. So what do you think about Edward's little speech to Bella? How do you think Bella and the rest of the family will react when they find out what Edward has been up to? Review and let me know. I promise that if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up sometime between Friday and Saturday. Don't forget to check out the blog (link is on my profile) for the story – I've posted the timeline for the story on it as well as links for all of the music used in the story so far. Thanks for reading!**

**Also, if any of you feel like chatting me up on twitter or formspring, my username on both is the same as my penname. If you guys are on facebook and would like to chat, feel free to hit me up on their too. I've posted a link to my facebook on my profile.**

**IMPORTANT NOTE: I am participating in a contest called The Jukebox Contest. It is an anonymous O/S contest so I cannot tell you which entry is mine. Please take the time to read all of the entries as all of the authors have worked hard on their O/S. **

**You can read the entries here : www . fanfiction . net/u/2706308/ **

**Just make sure you remove the spaces from the web address. You will be able to vote on the entries from March 8****th**** through March 16****th****, so be sure to check them all out. **

**Also, I will be participating in Fandom for Sexual Assault Awareness. I will be writing an outtake from this story for the event. It's a great cause, and I will give you more info on what the outtake will entail as it gets closer to the time for the event. Please check out the site for FSAA to find out how you will be able to get the outtake that I will be writing. **

**The site for FSAA is: fandom4saa . wordpress . com/**

**Again, just remember to remove the spaces. **

**Some Recs for all of you:**

**Breach by Catastrophia**

**Realistic Love by nails233**

**Four Letter Words by Missus Robinson**


	17. Confrontations

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I wish it was, but it's not. I am however the proud owner of a laptop which allows me to watch the new Water for Elephants trailer over and over and over. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: So last chapter we got to see a bit of Edward's stalker tendencies come out, and Esme gave Edward a reality check and put him back in his place. I want to give a special thanks to Twinklings for mentioning this story on Marauding Mondays this week. Be sure to check out their site thetwinklings(dot)blogspot(dot)com for lots of cool stuff. Just remember to put in the actual dots. Also a huge thank you to AltheaJams for mentioning this story on her blog! Thanks to all of you for reading and reviewing and rec'ing my story.**

**Chapter 17: Confrontations**

**Song: Haunted by Taylor Swift**

***BPOV***

When I got the phone call from Esme, I was completely caught off guard. I never expected her to say that she needed me to come over because of Edward. When she heard my hesitancy, she explained how the whole family would be there, because Edward had to explain something to everyone. I still was trying to come up with an excuse to not go, but when Esme said that she was asking me because it was her way of keeping her promise of being honest with me and not keeping me in the dark about things, I knew I had no choice but to agree.

Now that I was here at the house I felt like I couldn't keep my emotions in check, and as much as I wanted a fix right now, I felt like it would be too disrespectful to Carlisle and Esme to do that in their home. We were all sitting in the living room waiting for Edward to come down. We had all been waiting for him for around fifteen minutes already and were starting to get antsy. Only Esme knew what was going on today, so everyone else looked as confused as I did.

While I'm sure their confusion was out of concern for their brother and if he was okay, my confusion was more about why he would want to see me in the first place. After all, he made it perfectly clear how he felt about me that day in the woods, so I had no clue why he would even want to be in the same room with me, let alone talk to me.

Edward finally made his way down the stairs and into the living room, his eyes locking with mine almost immediately. As soon as we made eye contact, my hands gripped the arms of the chair I was sitting in as I had to fight the urge to run from the room. Biting back several choice four letter words that I wanted to shout at him I turned away from him, and tried to calm my racing heart.

"Well Edward, what's the deal. We were all told to be here because you had something you needed to say" Emmett said as he crossed his arms.

I watched as Edward gave his brother a heated glare, before he turned his focus back on me. He stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, shuffling from foot to foot as if he was unsure of what to do with himself.

"Bella" he said. "I have something I need to say to you, and I know I have no right to ask this but I'm going to anyway. Will you let me just explain it all before you say anything?"

I was so afraid to speak, afraid that all of my weakness, anger, and pain would be evident in my voice. I take a deep breath to attempt to calm myself down, and try to find some inner strength so that he won't be able to see how much it hurt being near him again.

Turning to face Edward I tell him "I'm here aren't I. I think that alone was asking for more than you ever had a right to in the first place. I won't promise you anything else, so say what you need to so I can just get out of here."

I see an emotion quickly cross Edward's face, almost as if my words hurt him in some way, but I dismiss it because I know he doesn't care about me. He told me so himself.

Edward just nods, and starts talking. "I'm sorry about walking out the way I did that night at the club. It was rude of me to do so." I just roll my eyes, because if all he has to say is an apology for walking out, I don't want to hear it, and I tell him so. "Edward if all you have to say is an apology for something that doesn't even matter, then save it. I don't need it and I don't want it."

I can see him getting frustrated by what I'm saying, and he lets it show when he cuts me off. "Dammit Bella, that's not all I have to say. I just…I don't know how to tell…I've been following you around Bella."

I swear if a pin dropped right now, we all would hear it. I'm trying to process what he said, not that the rest of the Cullens are any kind of help here, they're all just sitting here watching the two of us like we're some sort of a side show. He's following me? I don't understand it, and the more I try to figure it out the angrier I'm getting, to the point where I almost feel violated, which is saying something considering I never even felt that way at my job. Eventually I can't keep it all in anymore and everything comes pouring out.

"What the fuck do you mean you've been following me around? I know your family told you I didn't want you near me, so what part of leave me alone did you not understand? Why would you follow me around? Is this some sick joke of yours or just something that you're doing out of pity or something because the poor human girl couldn't handle a break up and managed to screw up her life?" By the time I stop, my chest is heaving as I try to catch my breath and I realize I was screaming at him by the end of my rant.

Edward walks up to me, and as much as I want to back away, I made the mistake of sitting in a chair in the corner of the room so I have nowhere to go. He reaches out to touch me but thinks better of it and puts his arm back down. "Bella, please. I didn't do it out of pity or any other reason you may think of other than the fact that I care about you and wanted to make sure you're safe. I've talked with my family Bella. I understand that you're hurt and angry. I understand that you've been through a lot. I just want to make things better. I want to fix things between us because I want you back."

His words are making me see red. How dare he say that he understands? Don't even get me started on the whole wanting me back thing. No one understands what I've been through. The only one who could come close would be Jasper, and that's only because of his ability to feel everyone else's emotions. I know I should walk away from this entire situation right now because I can tell it's getting out of control really fast, but I have so much that I've wanted to say to him over the past five years, I can do nothing other than stay.

He thinks he understands. He doesn't, but if he wants to, who am I to deny him. I may as well give him some insight on what I've been dealing with these past few years.

"You say you understand how much I'm hurting, how much I went through. But you don't. There is no way you ever could. You don't know how ashamed I am of the things I've done. All you're concerned with is yourself Edward, and easing your own pain and guilt, because if you really understood how much I'm hurting, you would have respected my wishes, and just left me alone. I was fine not having you around. I was okay with that because I wasn't ready to deal with you. I'm still not, and now on top of everything else I'm trying to deal with and work through, I have to add looking over my shoulder for you to the list as well. You think you understand what I went through Edward? You really want to know? Well fine, you better sit down because I have a lot of things to say, and you owe it to me to listen, and when I'm done talking, let's just see how much you understand and how much you still want me like you claim you do."

I'm fighting back the tears at this point, not wanting him to see me any weaker than he already knows I am. My head is in my hands as I try to gather my thoughts when I hear him start to talk again.

"Bella this isn't about me and my guilt or pain. This is about you…" He goes to continue speaking but I cut him off as I start shouting at him again.

"God Edward, how blind can you be? This is totally about you. It always has been. Even back in Forks it was always about you. It was never about me or what I wanted. I never had a choice in any of it. But what did that matter right? I was just Bella Swan, the stupid naïve human girl who was good enough to be kept around as an amusement but never good enough for you to love. All you did was toss me aside like a used toy once you got bored with me. If this _was_ about me, you would have just left me alone and never started following me Edward. You have no clue. Not one goddamn fucking clue how much it hurt for you to rip my heart out and walk all over it. You threw me away like trash Edward, and left me completely alone. I had no one to help me cope, and this is what I've become. So I don't want to hear your apologies because they aren't real or genuine Edward. They're just words to you that you're trying to use to make yourself feel better."

The rest of the Cullens are still just sitting there, looking like their watching a tennis match the way their heads keep moving back and forth between Edward and I.

Edward's mouth just keeps opening and closing like a fish for a solid minute before he tries speaking again, and even then he just manages to set me off again.

"Please Bella, I just want to understand, to fix things between us."

"Fine, you want to understand, then tell me…do you want to understand what it was like to live out of my car for months, driving town to town because I had nowhere to call a home? Do you want to understand what it's like having to sneak into crappy motel rooms when the maids aren't looking so you can try to take a shower because you haven't had one in over a week? Or how about this Edward…do you want to understand what it's like to live on the streets because you ran out of money and had to sell your car so you could eat? Do you want to understand having to see the utter disappointment in your father's eyes because you've managed to fail out of high school since you couldn't focus because the one person in the whole world that you thought would always love you tossed you aside and walked away without a second glance. How about what it's like to have to eat out of trash dumpsters because you have no money for food, or what about having to resort to blowing some guy in his car so he'd agree to give you a ride to the next town your trying to get to, or maybe you want to know about wanting to forget and numb the pain so badly that you start shoving drugs into your system like they're candy. Can you even start to understand what it's like to take your clothes off for money because it's the only job you can manage to get without a high school diploma? Tell me what it is exactly that you want to understand?"

***EPOV***

I've never seen Bella like this before, and on some level, I have to admit that I'm actually afraid of her. She's so angry and hurt and it's all because of me, and I don't have a clue about what to say to her now.

Listening to her tell me everything made me realize just how much Bella's changed, and looking at her I can see the change too – in her eyes – they used to be so warm and kind, but now they've gone cold, hardened to the reality of the life she's been living. I thought I had everything figured out here, but I was so wrong. I thought I'd be able to make this better right away, but there's too much damage, this is going to take time – time that I hope Bella will allow me to have with her.

I'm brought out of my thoughts as I see Bella standing up to leave, and I'm panicking because I feel like I've lost my chance with her before I even got to ask for it. I run to where she is, and drop to my knees. I'm not too proud to beg, and that's exactly what I plan on doing now. I try to say something to get her to stop from leaving and all that escapes from my mouth is a sob, but it's enough to get her to stop.

She just stands there and stares at me, her face telling the story of how much she's hurting right now.

"Bella please, I don't want to lose you again. You're all I've ever wanted. I'm begging you, don't leave like this…" I trail off because I don't know what else I can say at this point.

Bella looks at me, and for an all to brief moment she lets her mask slip and I can see behind her hard exterior and see that she still cares, but as quickly as I see it, it disappears, Bella's mask is firmly back in place as she begins to speak the words that shatter the remaining pieces that are left of my heart.

"You know Edward, I once had to just stand and watch you walked away from everything we had, praying that you didn't mean everything that you were saying to me in that moment. I've had to live every day haunted by the memories of what might have been, and now I guess it's your turn. I don't know how you expect me to be able to trust anything you've said, because I can't. Not after what happened in Forks, and certainly not now after you knowingly went against my wishes. The funny thing in all of this is that when I started working the at the club, every guy I danced for or had to take into a private room…I used them to try to take away my pain and sometimes some of them even managed to make me smile, but for the longest time…whenever I would perform either on the stage or in the private rooms …the whole time I would be wishing they were you. But now Edward, now that I've had the time to think about things, I'm glad they weren't. I can't do this Edward. I won't risk getting hurt again, not by you. It nearly killed me the first time. You say you want to fix things Edward, and if you really want to, then you need to give me the space I'm asking for. I need you to stay away from me Edward and leave me alone. I'm not yours to lose again because you never had me to begin with. To put it another way, in fact to put it in the same words you said to me…pretend that I never existed."

I watch as Bella turns and leaves, as I keep begging her not to walk away and to give me a chance to make everything right. I see Bella getting closer to the door, Alice and Jasper leaving with her, but I have to look away, unable to see her shut the door on me, and hating the fact that I'm jealous of my brother and sister because Bella wants them to be in her life but not me. As soon as I hear the door close, I can do nothing to stop the sobs that escape me as I completely collapse onto the floor realizing that I have most likely lost Bella for good.

**A/N: So Bella and Edward finally had their confrontation, and needless to say it didn't go the way Edward had hoped. The rest of the Cullens were there, but were, for obvious reasons quiet while everything went down. We'll find out soon what they thought of the whole thing. How do you think Edward and Bella each handled the confrontation? What do you think Edward's going to do now? Review and let me know. I promise that if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up sometime between Tuesday and Wedneday. Don't forget to check out the blog for the story (link is on my profile). Thanks for reading!**

**Some Recs for all of you:**

**All We Knew by butterflybetty**

**Repentance by AllorNothingKR**

**Gonorrhea Always Ends With a HEA by SweetPoeticJustice**


	18. Admissions

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I wish it was, but it's not. I am however the proud owner of a laptop which let me find out that Kristen Steward got the Snow White role. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: We finally got to see the confrontation last chapter. Now it's time to see the aftermath of what happened last chapter. First up…we'll see how Edward handles it. I'm keeping this author's note short as I have a few announcements at the end of the chapter. Major thanks to ImaTwiTard for making sure my writing makes sense! Thanks to all of you for reading and reviewing and rec'ing my story.**

**Chapter 18: Admissions**

**Song: When She Loved Me by Sarah McLachlan**

***RPOV***

The whole time Bella and Edward talked none of us knew what to do. Bella revealed a lot about her past, and I don't think any of us had a clue as to how to process that new information. Edward's admission wasn't that much better either. I mean, sure we were all pissed to find out he had been following Bella around, but I can't say that I don't understand why he did it. He loves her and would do anything for her…I'd do the same for Emmett if it came down to it. I'd never seen Bella stand her ground like she did with him, and I was glad she did. Edward may love Bella but there is still a lot that he needs to do to fix the mess he created, that doesn't mean it didn't kill me to see my brother begging the way he was as Bella walked out. It damn near broke my heart.

I watched as Bella walked out and shut the door, and that's when all hell broke loose. Edward just collapsed sobbing on the floor. He wouldn't move. Eventually the crying subsided but he just laid there with this blank look on his face staring towards the door, like he was willing Bella to come walking through. He didn't really speak and when he did it was all mumbled. All any of us could make out were occasional pleas for Bella to come back and forgive him. That was three days ago, and Edward still hasn't moved from where he's curled up on the floor.

We're all getting worried now, especially since we knew he needed to hunt. "What are we supposed to do?" I asked Carlisle.

"I don't know Rose. I've never seen a reaction like this. I'm at a complete loss here and haven't the slighted clue as to what to do to help. It's not like there is some medical cure all for this. I hate having to see my child in so much pain, and it kills me to say this, but this might be something we can't help with. Let's just wait another day and, if nothing changes, we'll try to come up with another plan" replied Carlisle as he shook his head.

My mind started to drift and I thought about Bella. I was concerned for her as well. No matter how strong she may have sounded or looked, we all knew her talking to Edward had to have been hard on her, but she had Alice and Jasper to help her. Esme had spoken with them earlier and told us that Alice handling Bella as best she could and that she would fill us in on everything once things calmed down a bit.

I was brought out of my thoughts when I heard a noise. Looking to see what it is, I notice that Edward has finally moved from the floor. He doesn't say anything as he just walks up stairs. The only sound it that of his door slamming shut a minute later. Esme moves to follow him up, but Carlisle stops her.

"Sweetheart, just give him time. Regardless of what he did, he's hurting right now, and probably doesn't need us meddling."

Esme nods in understanding before she walks out of the room. I feel Emmett's arms wrap around me from behind. I turn into his embrace, sighing. "At least its progress right Em?"

Emmett just shrugs his shoulders. "I don't know babe. I still think he's getting what he deserves. He chose to leave her and then he chose to go against her wishes to be left alone. He needs to learn that this isn't all about him, and he needs to learn that choices have consequences. If his choices have caused him to lose Bella, then so be it…I won't stand by and watch my little sister get hurt, even if that means I have to protect her from my brother."

I'm caught off guard by what Emmett says and take step away from his embrace. "Emmett McCarty Cullen! I know I may not always show it, but you know I love both my brother and my sister. No matter how stupid their decisions have been I don't like seeing either of them hurt. Have you even thought about how it must feel to be in either of their positions right now? Seriously Em…what would you do if it was you and me going through this instead of Edward and Bella?"

Not waiting for his response, I turn away from him and head towards our room upstairs. I pass Edward's on the way and stop when I hear him call out my name. "Rose, can I talk to you for a minute?"

***EPOV***

Sitting in my room, I'm surrounded by my journals…surrounded by Bella. After she left I couldn't function, I didn't want to. Then I realized that I can't just let her go, that I need to fight for her. That's when I came up here to my room, and started reading through all of my journals that I've kept these past few years, all of them filled with thoughts of Bella.

I can hear Rose arguing with Emmett, and I'm surprised by how open she's being about how she feels about this entire situation...Rose has never been one to wear her heart on her sleeve. Hearing her come up the stairs, I call out to her and ask if I can speak to her. I don't know why I do it; I guess I just really need someone to talk to.

Rose comes into my room and shuts the door behind her. I can see her looking around, appraising the situation. I mean how normal can it look with me sitting in the middle of the floor surrounded by open books everywhere. After a moment, she comes over and takes a seat on the floor next to me.

"How are you doing Edward?" she asks. I suppress a laugh, because really, I don't know how to answer that. There really is no way to describe how one is doing when they find out they have potentially lost the love of their life. I open my mouth to try to answer her, but before I even realize it, everything I've been bottling up and keeping to myself starts pouring out.

"You know Rose; I was always the odd man out in this family. You all had your mates, and I had made my peace with the idea that I would always be alone. Then we moved to Forks, and I found Bella, and she loved me. For the first time, I saw how beautiful life could be. Every hour I spent with her lives in my heart, and on the pages of my journals. It's the one way I could think of to not lose her completely. Being with Bella was the best thing I will ever experience in my existence. I needed her, and was willing to do anything for her. When she was sad I was there to comfort her, and her happiness was mine too. I sometimes forget just how short a time I had with her…but that summer together after school ended seems as though it could have lasted forever – just Bella and me together. I wasn't lonely anymore. It was like it was meant to be…at least until I managed to ruin everything.

"I couldn't bear the thought of harm coming to her because of me. All I ever wanted was her happiness and for her to be safe, so I made the choice. I didn't care if I would never know happiness again, if it meant that she could live her life…a normal happy human life that I could never be able to give her. Once we moved away, the years just seemed to drift by, and I was back to being the odd man out, the lonely one, and I realized what a mistake I made. I've imagined every day what it would be like to find Bella again, for her to come back to me and tell me that she'd always love me, just as I will always love her. I've felt so lonely Rose, and though I know none of you mean to make me feel it, I've felt forgotten by this family. I know we've all been dealing with losing Bella, but you all had someone to lean on…I had to do it alone.

"I was so happy when Alice told me that she and Jasper had found Bella. I never thought I was going to get my chance to get her back. All I could think of was her smile, and being able to hold her again the way I used to. I didn't realize how wrong I was in my expectations. Everything is so screwed up and it's my fault, and even when I try to fix it, I just make it worse. All I want is for things to go back to the way they were when she loved me, and now I don't think they can. She doesn't want me anymore Rose. I'm too late; I've lost her for good…" I trail off as I realize everything I've just admitted to Rose.

A little ashamed of having just poured my heart out the way I did, and realizing that everyone in the house probably just heard my admission, I duck my head down as I flip through the pages that I've filled with my memories of Bella. I'm surprised as I feel Rose wrap her arms around me in a hug before she stands up and moves to leave my room.

Before she walks out the door, Rose turns to me. "You know Edward; I'm not the one you need to say all of this to, but for right now, you should just give it time. Bella just needs space right now. She's dealing with a lot, and I think seeing you just overwhelmed her. If you really love her the way I think you do, you'll give her the time and space she needs right now. When she's ready, and the time is right, she'll come back to you. Just make sure you make the changes you need to so that you're ready when she does."

Rose says nothing else and doesn't wait for me to reply before she leaves me alone. I think about what Rose just said, and I realize she's right. Bella needs time right now to work on her, and I need to work on me. Resolved to my new course of action, I take out my current journal and begin to write out my new plan for getting Bella back.

**A/N: So who feels a little bit bad for Edward now? At least we're able to understand him a bit more now that he's admitted some things. What did we all think of Rosalie's POV? And we had a brief mention of Bella…any thoughts on how she's handling everything? Review and let me know. I promise that if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up on Friday. Don't forget to check out the blog for the story (link is on my profile). Thanks for reading!**

**So now for some announcements:**

**I've entered The Jukebox Contest. It's anonymous so I can't tell you which entry is mine. Voting starts today and goes until March 16. You can read the entries and vote here : www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2706308/ Just be sure to change the dots!**

**I've also entered The Quickie Contest. I have two entries there, and again it is anonymous so no hints as to what I've written. Please be sure to check out all the entries and leave reviews for the authors. You can check out the entries here: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2773975/ Again, just remember to change the dots!**

**I've also entered The Not What It Seems Contest. You can check out the entries here: fanfiction-challenges(dot)blogspot(dot)#Contest Remember…change the dots! Voting on this contest is April 3 to April 10. **

**Finally, I've started working on a collaboration story with ImaTwiTard. This does not mean I won't be working on The Sharpest Lives. My posting schedule for this story will remain the same. Our story won't be posted until sometime in April. Our collab penname is WeRTwiHards so feel free to add us to your favorites and alerts so that you will know when we start posting. The profile for our collab will give you some info on what our story is about. **

**Some Recs for all of you:**

**The Bet by summerleigh81**

**FAP by 107yearoldvirgin**

**Between Pleasure and Pain by sadtomato**


	19. Unable to Forget

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I wish it was, but it's not. I am however the proud owner of a laptop which let me find out that Kristen Stewart got the Snow White role. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: So who felt a little sad for Edward after his chat with Rosalie? Now it's time to hear from Bella…**

**I'm keeping this author's note short, as I have a few announcements at the end of the chapter. Major thanks to ImaTwiTard for making sure my writing makes sense! Thanks to all of you for reading, reviewing, and rec'ing my story.**

**Chapter 19: Unable to Forget**

**Song: On My Own (Les Miserables)**

***JPOV***

I don't think any of us knew what to expect when Edward and Bella finally spoke to each other. I definitely know we weren't expecting Bella to go off the way she did. I'm honestly not quite sure how I managed to stay in the room with how the emotions were surging and changing left and right. Personally, I was never so torn in my life by the end of it. Edward was completely heartbroken, and Bella…well Bella was just a mess of anger, hurt, and betrayal. When Bella left, Alice and I went with her, we knew she shouldn't be alone right now, but leaving with her didn't do much good.

I knew Bella was slipping away the moment we left the house, I felt it. She let the anger and hurt slowly consume her. By the time we got back to our apartment, she had such a dead look in her eyes. The anger wasn't as strong anymore, but the hurt was unbearable, and she started to resort to old habits to try to numb the pain. I think I lost count in that first day and a half after the confrontation of how many times she shot up with drugs, or how much alcohol she drank.

As much as me and Alice wanted to say something to stop her, Alice told me from what she saw that us trying to stop Bella wouldn't help anything. In fact that was the one sure vision Alice was able to have about Bella, everything else was just blurry. Between the drugs, alcohol, and Bella knowing how to manipulate Alice's ability, getting a hold on Bella's future was next to impossible.

By the second day after she spoke to Edward, Bella just started spending more and more time at the club. Alice and I would alternate who would go with her, and we both hated every minute of it. We both knew why she was working more; neither of us would have needed my ability with emotions to know. Bella was self-destructing…talking to Edward had finally forced her to really feel the emotions of his leaving, and now she had no clue how to handle those emotions, so she was resorting to what she knew…doing everything she could to just forget.

Alice had spoken with Carlisle and Esme a few times but there wasn't much to say, and we honestly didn't have the time to focus on phone calls when we were trying to make sure Bella didn't end up hurting herself or worse. It was about five days after everything happened that I made the call to Carlisle. Things weren't getting better, and Alice and I were running out of ideas of what to do.

Speaking on the phone with Carlisle, I told him "It's like we've taken two steps back now. Everything was going well, and now…things are heading south really fast. I can feel that her emotions are all over the place, and Alice can't get a good read on her future since Bella's just winging it day to day. I've tried talking with her about her talk with Edward but she's acting like it never happened in the first place. She's shutting down, and I don't know how to get her to snap out of it. Something has to give soon Carlisle; otherwise I don't know how this is all going to end."

Carlisle wasn't much help, but the truth was, there really wasn't much we could do other than just wait. Thankfully Bella didn't keep us waiting much longer. The day after I spoke with Carlisle she finally started to act normal again. She wasn't talking much, but at least she was remembering to eat and shower on a daily basis without being reminded.

A few days later I noticed that Bella's blood didn't smell as much like the drugs as it had been. I called the family to let them know and I think we all felt like we could finally breathe a bit easier. Now that things were turning around, Alice finally decided to go hunt. I had gone once since the confrontation, but Alice had refused to leave Bella in case she needed her.

I glanced at the clock and noticed that Alice was supposed to be home soon. Bella had been in her room most of the day, and so I decided to check on her to see if she was hungry or anything. When I got to her room she was sitting on her bed and was looking at some letters as tears ran down her face. I knew what they were. They were the letters that Alice and I had seen in the box the day we had found Bella.

Knocking on the door, I ask Bella if I can come in. Wiping the tears off her face, she nods as she moves the letters to one side of the bed to make room for me to sit with her. I need to get her to really start talking. It was the only way this situation is going to get better, so I decide to take the risk and see if I can get her to open up.

"How are you doing Bella? I mean honestly…how are you really doing? And don't think you can lie to me. You know I'm basically an emotional lie detector. I just want to make sure you're ok darlin' so please, talk to me." I say nothing more, and wait to see if Bella will finally start addressing what happened.

***BPOV***

These past few days since I snapped on Edward have been a blur. I have no clue how many times I've shot up, how many bottles of vodka I've gone through, or how many clients I've entertained in the private rooms at the club. If I'm honest with myself, I don't want to remember. I just want to forget that it happened and move on.

That's the problem though. I can't just forget, and I feel like I can't move on. It's just like it was when Edward first left me five years ago. All I feel is pain and I don't know how to make it stop or go away.

I'm brought out of my thoughts when Jasper knocks on my door and he asks how I'm doing. I know I can't lie to him, he'd be able to tell if I was, and I have a feeling he isn't just going to let me get away with saying I don't want to talk about things anymore.

I don't have a clue what to say… How do you explain that you feel like you heart has been crushed and broken beyond repair? I finally open my mouth to try to say something, and before I realize it, everything I've kept to myself these past few years starts coming out.

"When you all first left, I was so alone Jasper. It wasn't like I had a normal relationship with Edward…it wasn't like I could go knock on Angela's door and cry about my vampire boyfriend breaking up with me and how I had lost my chance to spend eternity with the love of my life. I had nowhere to turn and no one to go to for help. Then after things got really bad, I left Forks. I couldn't stay there anymore. I had lost all my friends; I didn't have a home anymore. People in town knew all the stories going around about me, they wouldn't even say hello to me anymore.

"After Edward left, and I was on my own, all I would do was try to find ways to hold on to the memories I had of him. I couldn't let go, because if I did, it would be like admitting it was over or that it never happened. I would spend the nights alone pretending like he was still around. I would think of Edward and for a brief moment, I would be happy living out my dreams in my head.

I dreamt of him every night. It was the one time I never felt the pain of the loss. I can still remember the dreams; Edward and I walking to our meadow together, his arms around me, making sure I never lost my way. In my dreams everything was perfect. Edward and I were together…just me and him forever.

Of course, waking up in the mornings would be like losing him all over again. I knew I was only dreaming…that Edward and I together was something that was only in my mind. For the longest time though, I couldn't let go, and I tried to tell myself that he just made a mistake and that he would find me, because there had to be a way for me and him to be together, even though the words he said that day in the woods still haunted me every day.

Eventually it got to be too painful, and I knew I needed to try to let go, and forget. But no matter what I do, I know I won't ever really be able to forget Edward. So I spend my days trying to numb out the pain, and reminding myself that my dreams were just that…dreams. They'll never come true…Edward is gone from my life.

I still love him Jasper. I think I always will, but I'm learning a little more each day how to cope with him being gone. I've spent so much time pretending that he would come back to me, telling me he made a mistake by leaving. He doesn't need me, he never did. Without me in his life, his world can go on turning, and he can be free to have happiness in his life…happiness that I'll never know.

It hurts so much to admit it, but I do love him Jasper…so much, but I now it's time for me to realize that Edward's moved on. He's not going to come back for me, and it's time for me to try to find a way to be on my own."

I stop talking as my sobs overtake me. I don't even want to consider how horrible I must look at this point between the tears, the puffy eyes, and the snot running down my face. Jasper doesn't say anything, he just holds me, and I'm actually thankful that he doesn't do anything to manipulate my emotions and just lets me feel.

After a while I finally calm down, and Jasper stands up to leave my room. Before he leaves he turns and says "You know Bella…we all love you, and you will never be alone again if you don't want to be. You have an entire family here to support you now, and we have no plans on going anywhere. I do think though, that when you're ready…you should show those letters to Edward, because what they say and what you just told me…you should be saying to him. Besides, who really knows, you might be surprised by what he has to say to you too."

Jasper offers a small smile after he stops talking, and then walks out of my room, leaving me to wonder just what the hell he meant by the last thing he said.

**A/N: Now we've heard from Bella and got her to admit some of her feelings. What do you all think about what she had to say? What did we all think of Jasper's POV? Review and let me know. I promise that if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up on Tuesday or Wednesday. Don't forget to check out the blog for the story (link is on my profile). Thanks for reading!**

**So now for some Reminders:**

**I've entered The Jukebox Contest. If you haven't voted, you can vote until March 16. You can read the entries and vote here : www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2706308/ Just be sure to change the dots!**

**I also entered another contest…I know, I've been a busy girl. This one is called The Lemon Frosted Birthday Contest. It's not anonymous, so I can tell you that my entry is called After Dinner Fun. If you're in the mood for some lemony goodness check out the contest. Voting starts on March 13****th**** and goes until the 19****th****. You can check out the entries here: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2764952/ Just remember to change the dots!**

**Finally, I've started working on a collaboration story with ImaTwiTard. Our story won't be posted until sometime in April. Our collab penname is WeRTwiHards so feel free to add us to your favorites and alerts so that you will know when we start posting. Here's a small teaser of one of the chapters from the story…**

"It had all started out innocently enough first with just my fantasies in my mind, the cold water in the shower _definitely_ helped. But I had to find options though; Charlie was starting to notice my increase in shower usage. Keeping my window in my room open helped, it made my room cold enough so I could take care of business without always needing to use the shower. The only problem was I needed to handle things more and more often. The more I did, the more often I saw Edward, the more often I got turned on all over again…it was a vicious, never ending cycle. Frankly my fingers were getting sore."

**Some Recs for all of you:**

**Fight Like a Girl by katie marieeee**

**Club Elite by breath-of-twilight**

**There Will Be Freedom by johnnyboy7**


	20. Taking Control

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I wish it was, but it's not. I am however the proud owner of two Twilight t-shirts, so yay for me. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: What's this? An extra update? Yes it is…I was possessed by a writing demon and the plot bunnies wouldn't leave me alone, so here's an extra chapter for you all. I will still update as I usually do on Tuesday/Wednesday. This is just a bonus for you all. So now we understand Bella little bit more. Major thanks to ImaTwiTard for making sure my writing makes sense! Thanks to all of you for reading, reviewing, and rec'ing my story.**

**Chapter 20: Taking Control**

**Song: In Pieces by Linkin Park**

***BPOV***

After Jasper left my room, I put away the letters and headed out to the living room. As soon as I walked into the hallway I bumped into Alice, I hadn't even heard her come into the apartment, she must have heard me talking with Jasper.

"How much did you hear?" I ask her.

"Everything Bella…I heard it all. I know you still love him. You need to tell him how you feel, let him read those letters. He deserves to know and you deserve the chance at happiness" replies Alice.

I shake my head, not wanting to believe her, but she keeps talking. "Edward still cares for you Bella. He still loves you, please believe that. Just give him a chance. He's been miserable since he left you, and he wants you back."

I try to move past her. I don't want to hear what she said; I can't hear her say things like that when I know they aren't true. Alice is just trying to make me feel better…if Edward loved me he would have never left me. As I make to move toward the living room Alice stops me again. "Just so you know Bella" she says. "The family is here. They came back with me after hunting. They all probably heard you talking with Jasper…I just thought you should know."

_Great…this is just what I needed. _I nod to Alice, thankful for the heads up, and walk into the living room. As soon as I walk into the room, they all look at me. I can understand it though, the last time they all saw me I kind of went all psycho on Edward and I definitely went in depth more than I planned to about some of the things from my past.

"How are you doing sweetheart?" Esme asks me.

"As good as I can be Esme." I replied as I shrugged my shoulders. I can still feel the rest of them looking at me. I know they all heard what I said to Jasper and I'm quite sure they have something they want to say about what happened last week at their house. "Just spit it out guys. I know you all heard me talking to Jasper, so just say whatever it is…" I trail off as I take a seat on the sofa.

"Bella…"Carlisle says. "You're right; we did hear what you said to Jasper. Edward really should know how you feel. You deserve the chance to tell him, and you should give him the chance to explain everything. Now, I'm not excusing anything he did, because I know he hurt you immensely, but Bella he's hurting too because he's regretted leaving you. He has just been a shell these past few years without you. If there was anything I had faith in, it would be the fact that he still loves you. I'm not saying that you need to forgive him now, or anytime soon for that matter, but just think about giving him the chance to tell his side of things."

Carlisle is quiet for a moment. I think he's unsure of how I will react to what he's said. As I'm trying to think of how to respond, Emmett speaks up. "Carlisle's right Bella, I mean, I'm beyond pissed about how Edward handled things, but I can't deny that he still cares about you."

"You're wrong" I whisper. "You all couldn't be more wrong. I know what he said that day in the woods. You weren't there and see the look in his eyes. He fooled me for so long, getting me to believe he cared who's to say he's not doing the same to you now."

"Bella I spoke with him" Rose starts, but I cut her off. "I don't want to hear it Rose. I can't bear to hear it."

Sighing, I get off the sofa and start pacing. I need to make them understand that I can't put myself out there like that again. It would kill me this time, I'm sure of it.

"You all don't understand. I nearly killed me when he left. I can't risk getting hurt like that again. That day in the woods…he let go even though I begged him to stay. I pleaded with him, telling him I loved him, but all I saw in his eyes was hate. You all tell me how he still cares and I'm not trying to say that you're lying, but I believe that his care only stems from guilt now that he sees where I've ended up. And Carlisle, I know you say you have faith in him, but I think it's misplaced."

They all look at me, a little shocked by what I'm saying. "How can you not even give him the chance to tell his side, Bella?" Rose asks.

"Because Rose" I answer. "All I have left in this world is my ability to keep myself from getting hurt. Edward took everything else away from me when he left. Maybe one day I'll be strong enough to talk to him, and eventually be friends with him again, but nothing more. I'm sorry if that disappoints you all, but I can't get hurt again. If I let Edward back in again, I wouldn't doubt that I'd end up hurt worse than I was last time…I'm sure of it. I want all of you in my life, but I can't deal with him. He never gave me a choice when he left, hell he never gave me a real explanation either, so now this time I need to be strong enough to protect myself, regardless of whether or not I still love him. I can't go and try to win him back and let him promise me the sky only for him to turn around and toss me like a stone the next day. This time I need to be strong enough to protect myself."

I can see the disappointment on all of their faces. I know they would all want me to get back with Edward, but right now I just can't see it as a possibility. I just started trusting all of them, to ask me to willingly place my heart back in Edward's hands…the thought of it alone almost makes me panic.

"I think you're making a mistake Bella" Alice tells me. "I'm not saying you have to agree to talk to him this minute, but just keep an open mind about it."

"Alice, you don't understand. It hurts too much as it is, knowing that I love him, and that I can't have him. Knowing that he didn't want me, that he thought I wasn't good enough. I've accepted what happened. That doesn't mean it hurts any less, but I've accepted it, and I need to try to move on now. I've held onto all of this for far too long, I need to try to get over Edward and have some sort of a life now. Please Alice, you have to understand that." I look Alice in the eyes, silently pleading for her to understand my position. She says nothing but nods.

"Thanks Alice. Now, I have to go to work. There's a big party at the club on Halloween and Riley has me as the headliner, so I have to make sure the other girls know what they're doing. I got tickets for you all if you want to go, but I'll understand if you wouldn't want to be there. The tickets are over on the counter along with details for the party and how to dress."

I wave goodbye to everyone, grab my keys and head out of the door.

***APOV***

As soon as Bella leaves, we all just look at each other. We're obviously all thinking about how talking to her about Edward hasn't gone as planned.

"This isn't over guys. At least now we know how she feels. It's just going to be a matter of how we get her to agree to listen to Edward." I say, trying to cheer them all up.

I head over to the counter and check out the information that Bella left for this party at her job. As soon as I read it, I know we need to be there, at least to make sure Bella is safe.

"Guys we need to go to that party on Halloween. According to the info Bella left, its BDSM themed…I can't let Bella work there that night without us being there to make sure she's safe. Edward would kill us if something happened to her."

Looking at everyone else, I can see they agree with me.

"Fine Alice we'll go, just don't go too crazy with our costumes ok?" asks Esme.

I nod in agreement as I count the tickets that Bella left, and I can't help the smile that breaks across my face. "Guys, Bella left an extra ticket. Now, I know it's not ideal, but it's better than nothing. I think Edward should use it. You know he's going to be miserable not being able to see her, and we can have him wear a mask so Bella wouldn't notice. It might give him a chance to talk to her. From what I'm able to see so far, it should work."

"Are you sure Alice?" Emmett asks. "I don't think I can handle another Bella goes psycho moment any time soon."

"I'm sure Emmett. I'll let you know if anything changes in what I've seen, but I doubt anything will. I mean, we all know what Bella does for work, and so does Edward… what could really go wrong?"

**A/N: Bella's finally let the Cullens know (unintentionally) how she feels. Never fear about Bella not talking to Edward…it will happen…I promise. So let me hear your theories…what could go wrong at the Halloween party? Review and let me know. I promise that if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up on Tuesday or Wednesday. Don't forget to check out the blog for the story (link is on my profile). Thanks for reading!**

**IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT:**

**In light of the earthquake and tsunami in Japan, a Fandom Fights Tsunami event has been established. I will be participating and writing a O/S for it. Go to fandomfightstsunami(dot)blogspot(dot)com to find out how you can donate and get the collection of work that's being donated by the participating authors.**


	21. Tricks & Treats

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I wish it was, but it's not. I am however the proud owner of a ticket stub from Red Riding Hood. It was pretty good, so go check it out! Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: This chapter is a big turning point in the story. It's the beginning of all of the major drama that will happen. Just remember that things always get worse before they get better and hold on because the ride is about to get bumpy. Check out the blog for the story for pics of the outfits from this chapter. Thanks to all of you for reading, reviewing, and rec'ing my story.**

**Chapter 21: Tricks & Treats**

**Song: S & M by Rihanna**

***EPOV***

When everyone approached me about going to the party at Bella's job, I was a little apprehensive. I mean, I wanted to see Bella. That wasn't the issue; my concerns were whether or not I'd be able to control myself knowing how the men think of her, and plus I knew she wanted me to leave her alone. As much as it killed me to stay away from Bella, I didn't want to do anything more to jeopardize my chances at fixing things between us, but when Alice showed me what she saw…that I could get a chance to talk to Bella about things, maybe start making things right…I couldn't pass it up.

We all had agreed to going for basically the same reasons. We all knew what went on at Bella's job, and being there, especially on a night when there was some sort of event going on made us all feel better since we were able to keep an eye on her. That didn't mean we were happy about the party's theme or the costumes Alice had chosen for us... at least us guys weren't

Alice thought it would be cute for all of the girls to go as dommes and us guys to go as their subs. The Rose and Esme didn't seem to have a problem with this decision…then again, they didn't have to go out in public with no shirt. Since I was the odd man out in the group, Alice decided to group me along with Esme and Carlisle.

Esme's costume wasn't so bad…Alice got her a black leather skirt that had a double belt on it, a black corset, and these black strappy, studded heels that looked to be far too high for anyone to actually walk in. Oh, and I can't forget to mention that she was given a six foot whip as an accessory. Carlisle and I had a little less luck in the costume department. We didn't get any cool accessories…all we got were a pair of jeans each. Carlisle's were black and paired with some black dress shoes and a black leather collar for around his neck. Mine were a dark denim color and were paired with some black boots. To top it all off, lucky me was not only given a collar to wear but two black leather wrist cuffs as well, and of course my mask so that Bella wouldn't see me right away. I started plotting Alice's demise as I got dressed.

When we all met downstairs to get ready to go, I couldn't help feel a little jealous of my brothers...they at least go to wear something resembling a shirt. For Rosalie, Alice went with red leather pants and a black bustier with a red satin ribbon that corseted the front. Her outfit was paired with black high heel shoes that had several very dangerous spikes coming off the heels.

Looking at Emmett for a second time, I reconsidered my jealousy of him. His outfit was a little too Brokeback Mountain for me, and I had to bite my tongue to keep from asking him "Why can't I quit you?" Emmett was stuck wearing a pair of jeans, a very form fitting leather vest, and some boots. I guess Alice matched his collar to Rose's shoes because it had spikes all over it. I caught a glimpse of Emmett's thoughts as he eyed Rose's accessory – a red and black tasseled whip – lord help us all if he manages to get a hold of that thing.

One look at Alice and Jasper together, and I could tell she was giving him a small nod to his military background. Jasper's costume consisted of camouflage pants and a fitted olive green shirt. He also wore brown boots and had a tan collar of his own on his neck. Alice chose a military style skirt and a black halter top corset for her own costume. She paired it with some strappy black heels and chose a riding crop for her accessory.

The drive over to the club was quiet except for Emmett complaining about stabbing himself with his collar and Rose using the whip on him every time he tried to steal it away from her. Personally, I think he just liked her using it on him, but I didn't want to tap into his thoughts to find out for certain.

Once we got to the club, we parked and Alice reminded us again of how we were all supposed to behave tonight since the theme was BDSM. I put my mask on and we all headed into the club, showing our tickets at the entrance. As we were brought to our seats for the show that would kick off the party, I was silently praying that everything would go well tonight.

***BPOV***

Since I talked with everyone two days ago, everything they said kept floating around in my mind. I couldn't stand it, I was starting to doubt everything I was thinking, so I would remind myself how hurt I was by Edward, which would just end up making me cry. It was distracting to say the least, especially with how crazy things were at work with us getting ready for tonight's party.

Thinking about the party made me even more anxious. Not because of the performance I was going to give, or the costume I was going to wear, but because of what I planned for afterwards. I needed to find a way to just get past Edward, and my idea finally came to me yesterday when I was getting all of my things ready for tonight when I saw Riley walk past the dressing room.

Riley had been after me for ages, saying how he wanted me to be his "regular girl." I had always told him no, but now with everything with Edward getting stirred up again, I figured hooking up with Riley would be the perfect way for me to help myself move on. After all, Riley wasn't looking for a relationship, and neither was I, so there was no danger of me getting hurt. It seemed to be the perfect solution to my problem, and I was determined to put it into action tonight after the show.

Looking at the clock I realize it was time to get ready so I head to the back and into the dressing room where my costume was waiting for me. I grab my black lace thigh highs and pull them on carefully, before pulling on my thong and then stepping into my outfit. Although there wasn't much too it...for the show tonight I had chosen a black open cup crotchless garter teddy. It had a halter neck and straps that went across my stomach and back. I attached my stockings to the garter hooks, and then put on black heart shaped pasties since the teddy didn't cover my breasts. For shoes I put on my black knee high boots, and I take out a whip that I will be using during my routine tonight just to make things interesting.

Since I was technically supposed to strip while I was on stage, I had chosen a gothic styled jacket to wear over my costume. The jacket was velvet with leather trim and came down just to my hips so it hid what I was wearing underneath. When I took it off tonight, I was sure to get a good reaction from the crowd. Now that I was dressed, I focused on my hair and makeup. I leave my hair down and wavy, and for my makeup I decide on my usual go to choice of smoky eyes and blood red lipstick.

I have a little time before it's my turn to perform so I head backstage to scan the crowd while the other girls are on stage. Peeking out from the side, I see that the Cullens were here, and to be honest, I'm glad they are. I didn't want to tell them, but party nights here can get rough sometimes and their being here makes me feel a bit safer.

After a few minutes, Bree walks off stages, and the lights in the club are dimmed so that its almost completely dark. I must have lost track of of how much time has passed, because I'm next up to go out on stage. I make my way to the second level of the stage and make sure I have everything I need. The fog machines get turned on and I can see the mist from the machines as it makes its way across the stage.

The crowd in the club starts to quiet down as Riley's voice comes through the sound system. "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The CatScratch Club's Sixth Annual Halloween Extravaganza. Tonight we are here to cater to _all_ of your needs. Our girls and our private rooms are available to you to help keep you entertained this evening. Now, let's start the evening off on the right foot. Please put your hands together and welcome the lovely Bella to the stage."

I hear the crowd cheer and I'm pretty sure Emmett was whistling cat calls because I heard his laugh afterwards. I check to make sure I have my whip drapes around me like a scarf, and then signal for the DJ to start the music. I walk onto the stage and down the center, swaying my hips and running my hands all over my body as the music begins…

_Na na na na_

_Come on_

_Na na na na_

_Come on_

_Na na na na na_

_Come on_

_Na na na na_

_Come on, come on, come on_

_Na na na na_

_Come on_

_Na na na na_

_Come on_

_Na na na na na_

_Come on_

_Na na na na_

_Come on, come on, come on_

_Na na na na_

I undo the buttons of my jacket, and coyly open and shut the jacket, only letting the crowd get a peek at what I have on underneath. Working my way over to the pole in the middle of the stage, I grab it with both hands as I grind against it.

_Feels so good being bad (Oh oh oh oh oh)_

_There's no way I'm turning back (Oh oh oh oh oh)_

_Now the pain is my pleasure cause nothing could measure _

_(Oh oh oh oh oh)_

I wrap my leg around the pole and twirl around it, before teasing the crowd again with a peek at what's underneath my jacket. I take the whip from around my neck and whirl it around in my hand before I run it between my legs, grabbing the loose end of it in my free hand and grinding against it.

_Love is great, love is fine (Oh oh oh oh oh)_

_Outta box, outta line (Oh oh oh oh oh)_

_The affliction of the feeling leaves me wanting more _

_(Oh oh oh oh oh)_

I slowly roll my shoulders backwards, allowing the top of my jacket to slide off my shoulders. Turning away from the crowd, I continue removing my jacket until it is hanging by my wrists. Quickly, I pull the rest of the jacket off and toss it off the side of the stage as I turn around to face the crowd. All of the guys go crazy and start shouting when they see what I'm wearing.

_Cause I may be bad, but I'm perfectly good at it_

_Sex in the air, I don't care, I love the smell of it_

_Sticks and stones may break my bones_

_But chains and whips excite me_

I run my left hand down my breasts, my stomach and my pussy as I rotate my hips to the beat of the music. I move away from the edge of the stage and make sure I have a good grip on the whip as I spin it in the air and do tricks with it, making it crack against the floor of the stage.

_Cause I may be bad, but I'm perfectly good at it_

_Sex in the air, I don't care, I love the smell of it_

_Sticks and stones may break my bones_

_But chains and whips excite me_

I seductively walk back to the pole and do a few different spins around it, leading into my signature tricks which include me holding on using just my legs.

_Na na na na_

_Come on, come on, come on_

_I like it-like it_

_Come on, come on, come on_

_I like it-like it_

_Come on, come on, come on_

_I like it-like it (Na na na)_

_Come on, come on, come on_

_I like it-like it_

I get down on my knees and crawl towards the front of the stage before I flip to lie on my back as I spread my legs into a full split, letting the guys in the audience run their hands up and down my leg and slip money into my garter. I run my hands over my body again as I get up from the stage.

_Love is great, love is fine (Oh oh oh oh oh)_

_Outta box, outta line (Oh oh oh oh oh)_

_The affliction of the feeling leaves me wanting more _

_(Oh oh oh oh oh)_

I make my way into the audience and sensually sway my hips as I walk over to one of the men sitting in the front row. I grab his hands and guide them over my chest and the rest of my body before dropping to my knees. I let my lips ghost over his body from his crotch to his neck before dancing away from him.

_Cause I may be bad, but I'm perfectly good at it_

_Sex in the air, I don't care, I love the smell of it_

_Sticks and stones may break my bones_

_But chains and whips excite me_

As I dance in front of another guy in the audience, I use the handle of the whip to trace over the bulge in his pants before straddling him and gyrating my hips against his while I let him grope my ass.

_Na na na na_

_Come on, come on, come on_

_I like it-like it_

_Come on, come on, come on_

_I like it-like it (Na na na)_

_Come on, come on, come on_

_I like it-like it_

_Come on, come on, come on_

_I like it-like it_

I make my way over to where the Cullens are sitting. The next part of my routine means me bringing a man up on stage with me, and I'd rather it be someone I trust. I reach Carlisle first and sit in his lap with my back to him as I wiggle my ass against him. Spinning around, I wrap my whip around his neck and use it like a leash as I drag him up on stage with me, whispering a soft "Just go with it" to him on the way.

_S-S-S & M-M-M_

_S-S-S & M-M-M_

_Oh, I love the feeling you bring to me, oh, you turn me _

_on_

_It's exactly what I've been yearning for, give it to me _

_strong_

_Aand meet me in my boudoir, make my body say ah ah ah_

_I like it-like it_

I push Carlisle against the pole as I run my hands up and down his body. I spin around so my ass is against his crotch again as I sway my hips back and forth. Turning around again so I'm face to face with him, I wrap my one leg around his hip as I grind my hips against him. Grabbing ahold of the whip that is still around his neck, I lead Carlisle back to the stairs that lead to the audience and let him head back to his seat.

_Cause I may be bad, but I'm perfectly good at it_

_Sex in the air, I don't care, I love the smell of it_

_Sticks and stones may break my bones_

_But chains and whips excite me_

I dance my way up one side of the stage and down the other stopping and dancing in place every so often as men slip more money into my garter.

_Cause I may be bad, but I'm perfectly good at it_

_Sex in the air, I don't care, I love the smell of it_

_Sticks and stones may break my bones_

_But chains and whips excite me_

I strut back towards the pole as my hands roam all over my body. Once I reach the pole I lace my legs around it and do a few more spins before doing a full split against the pole.

_Na na na na_

_Come on, come on, come on_

_I like it-like it_

_Come on, come on, come on_

_I like it-like it (Na na na)_

_Come on, come on, come on_

_I like it-like it_

_Come on, come on, come on_

_I like it-like it_

_Come on, come on, come on_

_I like it-like it_

I make my my way back towards the center of the stage, my hips moving with the music and my wrist making different movements as I do tricks with the whip. As the final note of the song ends, the lights go dark and I make one final crack of the whip against the floor of the stage.

_S-S-S & M-M-M_

_S-S-S & M-M-M_

_S-S-S & M-M-M_

_S-S-S & M-M-M_

Once I'm off stage I make my way back towards Riley's office. When I open the door I see him sitting behind his desk, counting the money that was made so far at the front door tonight. I sit in the chair across from him, and wait until he finishes what he's doing.

Finally, Riley gathers up the piles of money and locks it away in the wall safe before going and sitting on the couch in his office. He looks me up and down, and clearly enjoys what I'm wearing since I see him adjust himself as he asks "What can I do for you Bella?"

I stand up and head over to the couch and sit next to him. My mind starts racing, and I begin to have second thoughts about this whole idea of using Riley to get over Edward, but I mentally kick myself in the ass and remind myself that this is something I need to do…I need to move on with my life.

I start to run my hands up and down Riley's thighs, coming dangerously close to his crotch. I can tell he's enjoying it; his breathing starts to get ragged and he licks his lips as he stares at me with a hungry look in his eye. "Well Riley," I say, "I was thinking it was time I reconsider your offer…that is if you'd still want me to be your regular girl…"

Riley says nothing as he swallows audibly and then he's on me, kissing up and down my neck as he rips the pasties off of my breasts. I move to kiss Riley back, and his tongue enters my mouth, fighting for dominance against my own. We finally break away when we need to breathe, and Riley starts nibbling down my neck and then I feel his mouth on my breasts as he sucks and licks my nipples. I surprise myself when I hear myself moaning in response to Riley's actions.

As Riley focuses his attention on my chest, I unbuckle his belt and undo his pants. He lifts his hips enough so that I can pull down his jeans and boxers, freeing his already hard cock from its confines. I start to kiss Riley's neck and work my way down his chest. When I reach his cock, I get off of the couch and get on my knees as I lick the tip of it, before taking him fully in my mouth.

"That's right you little slut…suck my cock. God damn your mouth feels so fucking good Bella" Riley says as he fists my hair and moves my head up and down on his dick. After a few minutes he pushes me off, and flips me around so that I'm lying on the couch.

In one swift movement, Riley grabs my thong and rips it off of me, tossing it somewhere behind him. He kisses his way up my thigh before I feel his tongue licking my pussy and nibbling my clit as he starts to fuck me with his fingers. I try to keep quiet, to focus on the fact that this is just an exercise in moving on with my life, but the sounds that escape me make me sound like more of a whore than I am when I'm working in the private rooms.

All too quickly, Riley's mouth and hands leave my body. He steps away for a moment and I hear the crinkle of a condom wrapper and see Riley rolling onto his shaft as he makes his way back over to me. Riley moves on top of me, and strokes my entrance with the tip of his cock before he pushes himself inside. He's still for a moment, and then I feel him pumping in and out of me fast and hard.

The whole time he's fucking me, I hear Riley moaning, and talking dirty. "Your pussy is so fucking tight Bella. You're the best I've ever had…I love how you feel wrapped around my cock." For some reason though, Riley talking only seems to make this situation worse, every time I hear him moan or say something else, it's as though Riley's voice is serving as a reminder that he isn't Edward, and knowing that fact hurts.

I find myself wishing that this was Edward with me right now as all the things the Cullens said about giving Edward a chance and that he still loves me come racing to the forefront of my mind. I realize how much of a mistake this whole idea is, and accept the truth that Edward was it for me, I'll never get over him, and I don't want to. I need to talk to him, listen to him, and try to make things right.

I feel Riley's hand moving between us to my clit, and I know he's expecting me to cum, so I put on an act, the way I do when I'm working with a client. I moan and cry out "Oh God…Riley!" as I fake my orgasm, hoping he doesn't notice. I can tell he doesn't when he calls out my name when he cums a few seconds later.

As soon as Riley rolls off of me, I move to leave giving him an excuse about having clients waiting for me. I head back to the dressing room and go straight to the shower. I spend a good twenty minutes trying to scrub the feeling of Riley off of my body before I get out and get dressed. When I make it to the front of the club, I can't find the Cullens, but since its late I figure they may have just left expecting me to have to work late.

I flag down a cab outside the club and head back to the apartment. Once I get home I go into my bedroom, so I can try to come up with a plan for what I want to say to Edward. Sitting down on my bed, I notice a book on my bed with a note attached.

_Bella – _

_I know you said you needed space and time away from him,_

_but you need to understand just how much he misses you, how much he cares,_

_and most importantly, how much he still loves you. He's kept journals like this one _

_since he left you. You're all he's ever thought about…every day for the past five _

_years. Read through the pages, they may help you make your decision_

_about whether or not you want him in your life. I'm sorry about meddling like this, I know _

_I promised I wouldn't, but I love you both and can't stand to see the two of you_

_hurting so much when it could easily be avoided._

– _Alice _

I can't help but smile as I read Alice's note. Setting it aside, I open up the journal, and can't help but cry a little as I see Edward's familiar script on the pages. As I read through the pages, I realize everything everyone told me was true, he really cares about me, possibly loves me, and he wants to make things right.

I decide that I want Edward to know everything…I want to give him my letters from the past five years. That is how I want to tell him how I've felt over the past five years. I don't think I'd actually be able to get the words out if I had to say them, and I decide to add in a new letter, explaining how I feel and what I want now. I grab some paper and a pen, and sit down at my desk to start writing as my thoughts drift to the possibilities that tomorrow may bring.

***APOV***

After Bella left the stage, it took a minute for us all to snap out of the shock of what we just saw. It was by far the most provocative thing we have ever seen Bella do. As I looked over at Carlisle he still seemed a bit out of sorts from having been put on display the way he was, and I laughed as I envisioned how Emmett would be constantly teasing him over it for the next several decades.

We all watched as Edward made his way towards the back of the club, all of us hoping things would go well. We were all still giggling a bit at Carlisle's expense when I had another vision…one which definitely stopped my laughing.

Jasper noticed my change in mood, asking me what I saw, which immediately grabbed everyone else's attention. All I could manage to say was "It's Edward…he shouldn't be back there" before Jazz and Em made to go try and get Edward from the back of the club, but I had to stop them. They looked at me questioningly and I explained "We all need to be back at the house for when he gets home."

As soon as I had the vision of Bella and Riley together I truly wanted to tell Emmett and Jasper to get Edward out of the club, but I knew it was too late. He was already in the backstage area and there would be no way to keep him from finding out what was going on. I looked at the rest of my family as we made the drive home, and they knew something was wrong.

I explained to them about my vision of Bella sleeping with her boss as a way to try to get past Edward. I told them how Edward didn't see anything in my vision, he only hears it, but it's going to be enough to break him.

We're all nervous as we walk into the house, none of us really knowing what to do, and all of us afraid that Edward will finally snap this time. Esme finally breaks the silence when she asks "Alice can you tell us anything else from what you saw?" All I could manage as a response was "We better be ready for it when he gets home. This isn't going to be good."

**A/N: Please don't hate me! I know a lot of you aren't going to be happy about what Bella did, but please have faith…there is a plan, this is part of it. It was a necessary evil that had to happen to get Bella and Edward to where they need to go. Things may get rough for a while, but remember…the sun always shines after the storm. So what do we think about what Bella did? What about her letter Edward that she wrote…any thoughts on what it says? Review and let me know. I promise that if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up on Friday or Saturday. Don't forget to check out the blog for the story (link is on my profile). Thanks for reading!**

**So now for some Reminders:**

**I've entered The Jukebox Contest. If you haven't voted, you can vote until March 16. You can read the entries and vote here : www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2706308/ Just be sure to change the dots!**

**I also entered another contest…I know, I've been a busy girl. This one is called The Lemon Frosted Birthday Contest. It's not anonymous, so I can tell you that my entry is called After Dinner Fun. If you're in the mood for some lemony goodness check out the contest. Voting is going on now and ends on March 19****th****. You can check out the entries and vote here: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2764952/ Just remember to change the dots!**

**MOST IMPORTANTLY…I have signed up for Fandom Fights Tsunami. There are over 70 authors contributing one-shots and outtakes for this event, and a donation of as little as $5 to the Red Cross gets you a copy of the complete compilation of work that the authors will be submitting. My submission is going to be an outtake of this story…it will be about what happened when the Cullens went back to Forks looking for Bella. This outtake will NOT be posted on my profile here, so the only way to get it will be through this event. Go to fandomfightstsunami(dot)blogspot(dot)com to find out more about how you can donate and get the collection of work that's being donated by the participating authors.**

**Some Recs for all of you:**

**Secret Life by MandyLeigh87**

**A Sub Search by TeamAllTwilight**

**Last Tango in Forks by AwesomeSauce76**


	22. Losing Love

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I wish it was, but it's not. I am however the proud owner of the Twilight Graphic Novel Volume 1. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: What's this? An extra update? Yes it is…I blame Edward for this one…he's been pacing around in my mind after the last chapter and has been anxious to let you all know what's going on inside his head. I will still update as I usually do on Friday/Saturday. This is just a bonus for you all. Thanks to all of you for reading, reviewing, and rec'ing my story.**

**Chapter 22: Losing Love**

**Song: El Tango de Roxanne (Moulin Rouge)**

_We have a dance! _

_In the brothels of Buenos Aires _

_Tells the story _

_Of the prostitute _

_And the man _

_Who fell in love... _

_with her. _

_First there is desire _

_Then... passion! _

_Then... suspicion! _

_Jealosy! Anger! Betrayel! _

_Where love is for the highest bidder, _

_There can be no trust. _

_Without trust,. _

_There is no love! _

_Jealosy. _

_Yes, jealosy... _

_Will drive you... will drive you... will drive you... mad! _

- El Tango de Roxanne

***EPOV***

The lights dim in the club and I can feel my nerves going haywire. Jasper must be having a field day with how my emotions are all over the place. I'm trying my best to keep myself calm but with the thoughts that all these people have going through their heads is making it kind of tough. I mean seriously…who thinks about things like hog tying someone and then having sex with them until they squeal like a pig? That was one of the tamer thoughts I've heard so far tonight, some of the others have made me wish I could bleach my brain.

I turn and stare towards the stage as I notice the fog starting to appear, taking it as a clue that Bella will be performing soon. As the voice coming through the speakers announces Bella, I wish I was sitting with my family. I couldn't sit with them; Alice said it would be too risky in case Bella came up to them during the performance, and so that's why I'm sitting in a seat just off to the side of the stage, a seat I chose purposely for the fact that I'd still have an unobstructed view of Bella's performance.

The music starts, Bella walks out on stage, and all I can do is groan internally. Her song choice and the whip she has with her is doing little to comfort me in terms of what she plans on doing on that stage tonight. I finally start getting used to the thoughts these men are having running through my head when Bella takes off the jacket she has on, and it then takes everything I have to keep myself in my seat and not run up onto the stage to try and cover her up.

I watch her face as she dances, and it's completely calm; no trace of discomfort, shame or embarrassment over how she's dressed or what she's doing can be seen…it's as if she no longer cares about right and wrong. All I want in this moment is the chance to tell her that she doesn't need to do this…she doesn't need to take off her clothes and sleep with men for money…she's better than this, she deserves to be treated better than how these men treat her.

Watching Bella as she gives men lap dances kills me as it really shines a light on how broken she is. If my heart was still beating, I swear I would have probably had a heart attack when I saw her bring Carlisle on stage, but at the same time, I'm thankful she chose him and not some other sleazeball that's here tonight.

Finally, after what seems like an eternity, the song ends and Bella walks off stage. I look over to my family and I can tell they were all shocked by what Bella did as well. After a moment though, I remind myself that it's now or never…this is my chance to try to talk to Bella, and so I make my way to the backstage area to try and find her. I'm nervous about seeing her, Alice said she didn't know if Bella purposely left the extra ticket or not, so I don't know how Bella will react to seeing me. All I can hope for is that it isn't a repeat of the last time I saw her at the house.

I walk down the hallway backstage, and as I walk past the dressing room I notice Bella isn't there, so I head in the other direction thinking she might be in a private room waiting for a client. Just as I'm making my way towards the private rooms, I hear Bella's voice coming out of the manager's office. The sound of her voice alone is enough to keep me rooted in place, but as I hear what they are talking about I wish I could just run away…

"What can I do for you Bella?"

"Well Riley," I say, "I was thinking it was time I reconsider your offer…that is if you'd still want me to be your regular girl…"

At the mention of the words 'regular girl' I'm immediately wondering what Bella means by it, so doing the stupid thing, I listen more to see if I can find out. What I hear next though, completely breaks me and makes me wish that I could just disappear.

I'm assaulted by the sounds of their heavy breathing, kissing, and clothes being removed. To make matters worse I keep hearing Riley's thoughts of how Bella was now finally his. Next thing I know I'm hearing sucking sounds, and as much as I try to deny what's going on, when I hear "That's right you little slut…suck my cock. God damn your mouth feels so fucking good Bella" I can't deny it any more.

I almost barge in as I hear Bella moaning as this man does things to her and I can't help but growl when I hear "Your pussy is so fucking tight Bella. You're the best I've ever had…I love how you feel wrapped around my cock."

The overwhelming pain of hearing what they are doing finally gets to me and I slide to the floor. Images of this man's eyes gazing upon Bella, his hands and lips touching and caressing her body are flooding my brain and it's more than I can stand.

Bella's voice shouting out "Oh God…Riley!" followed by him crying out Bella's name snaps me out of my self-induced torment. I hear the rustle of clothes being put back on I start to back away from the door, my entire plan of confessing everything I feel to Bella is thrown out the window. And all I can think about is how I've really lost Bella.

How could Alice have not seen this? Going backstage was a mistake. Hearing him saying and doing those things to her…hearing her respond to him…it was all far too much more than I could bear. I didn't know what I was supposed to do now. Hearing the door start to open, I turn and run out of the club as fast as I can without drawing attention to myself. I'm sure by now my family knows what happened, and I know they'll be waiting for me at home. I'm glad they will be, because I'm going to need their help…because as much as I'd love to just run away, I learned the hard way last time that running away doesn't solve anything. I know Bella has become an integral part of my family members lives, and because of that I know I'm going to have to find a way to let go…to accept that I was too late and Bella has moved on…with whoever this Riley person is.

**A/N: As heartbreaking as this chapter may be (Lord know's I cried writing it) I hope you enjoyed getting to see just what happened with Edward when he went backstage. So what are your thoughts about Edward thinking he's too late to get Bella back? What do you think he is going to do/should do now? Review and let me know. I promise that if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up on Friday or Saturday. Don't forget to check out the blog for the story (link is on my profile). Thanks for reading!**


	23. Unintentional Admissions

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I wish it was, but it's not. I am however the proud owner of Welcome to the Riley's on DVD. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: I was absolutely blown away by the response the last two chapters have gotten. I'm glad you all are enjoying this story, and I love the reviews you send. I read and respond to every one, and could never begin to tell you how much hearing from you guys means to me. Thanks to ImaTwiTard for making sure my writing makes sense. I want to take a moment out to give a special shout out to neelix lee for rec'ing my story on facebook. Thanks again to all of you for reading, reviewing, and rec'ing my story.**

**Chapter 23: Unintentional Admissions**

**Song: I Don't Love You by My Chemical Romance**

***APOV***

We pulled the car into the garage and all ran into the house. Thankfully we made it home before Edward did, so we could try to figure out how to handle this god awful mess. As soon as we got into the living room, I started scanning the future for any clues as to how to handle this…that's when I saw what Bella was doing.

I quickly explained to everyone else what I saw…that Bella had realized that sleeping with Riley was a mistake, and that when she got home she had read the journal I left for her and how she was planning on telling Edward that she loved him. The only problem was that I couldn't see how this would turn out. There were too many factors that were up in the air or that could change, so there was no guarantee of a happy ending yet. All I knew is that Bella was planning on coming over and we needed to try to have Edward at least calmed down by then.

For now, all we could do was try to strategize to make sure he didn't run again. We had all agreed that if Edward mentioned leaving again, he would have to do it on his own; we weren't going to leave Bella this time. I still had my visions from time to time of Bella becoming one of us, but we still hadn't brought it up to her…the timing was never right, but the fact that I still saw Bella like us and the fact that we all cared too much about her to leave her again was enough to keep us here with her.

I couldn't get a good read on the time when Edward was going to be home, no matter how many times I tried, so for now, all we could do was wait for him to come home.

***EPOV***

Running has always been my escape. I just loved the speed, it was the one time I always truly felt free and relaxed, but lately every time I would run, I felt as though I was trying to actually run away from or escape from something. Tonight was no different.

Finally out of the club and out of the view of human eyes, I run as fast as I can. I just need to try to figure out what to do, how to calm all of these emotions that are surging inside of me. I don't know how long I've been running, but I somehow manage to end up back at home. I know everyone is probably inside waiting, so I decide I may as well just try and deal with this now and walk inside.

As soon as I walk inside, I can see everyone sitting around the living room, obvious waiting for me to show up. I sigh and head over to where they are, taking a seat in one of wingback chairs so I don't need to be close to anyone right now. They all have this look of pity on their face…it's the same look they had when I left Bella and the same look they all wore on their faces when we tried going back to Forks to look for Bella only to find out she was gone.

Jasper looks concerned as he watched me, I know he means well and it's only because he can feel what I'm feeling right now. To be honest, I'd be concerned too; I am so angry and hurt right now. Hurt that Bella is living the way she is, that she would so freely give herself away to men who don't love her, at least not the way she deserves to be loved. Angry that my family was right about the fact that I made a mistake by leaving all those years ago and that they are right again now because I was a fool and messed it all up and am too late and have lost Bella for good.

"You guys were right" I say to no one in particular. "I never should have left Forks back then…and I should have listened to you all now too and left Bella alone from the beginning. Now…everything's lost…it's too late."

"So that's it? You're just going to give up and run again?" Esme shouts.

"I'm not running anywhere Esme. I promise, I won't leave this time, but I see no reason to pursue Bella when she's clearly moved on…she obviously doesn't want me."

"You know Edward, I'm surprised son" Carlisle says, avoiding making eye contact with me as he talks. "I really thought you would have learned from your mistakes. After everything that you've been through, that Bella has been through…after everything we put up with as a family for you…I would have thought that if you really loved her, you would at least fight for her, and make everyone's sacrifices worth it, regardless of the outcome."

Carlisle's words hurt, there's no reason to deny it. I know they've all given up a lot for me the past few years, and I can only imagine how disappointed they must be that, after everything, I'm just going to concede defeat.

"You don't understand…" I start to say, but I'm cut off by Rosalie.

"No Edward, it's you that doesn't understand! Bella doesn't want Riley. She wants you. But if you're just so easily willing to give it all up then fine, family or not don't think we'll all be standing around to support your miserable ass. You need to stop being so goddamn overdramatic and look at the entire situation for a change, instead of just what you think you know because even though you're staying here, your still running, you're being a coward. So when you finally realize the mistake you made this time, don't think we'll all be here waiting to put the pieces back together again. Because this time, when you realize the truth, it might really be too late and Bella might actually have found someone else, someone who loves her enough to fight for her."

What Rose says finally says makes me snap and all of the emotions I was trying to keep in check start flying all over the place. "You know nothing Rose! You weren't back there tonight…you didn't hear the two of them together…" My own sobs cut off my voice, as the anger I was feeling leaves me…I'm quite sure Jasper has something to do with this.

"Don't talk to her like that" Emmett demands. "After all this time, you still don't get it man. We want you to be happy, to have love in your life. We just won't stand by and watch you throw away your chances anymore. Now, you know I hate how you handled things in Forks, but I thought you had finally started to come around and were really working on fixing things so you could get Bella back. I guess I was wrong…you're still a good-for-nothing…I don't know what to tell you Edward, you want to run this time then fine, go ahead and run, but you better have the balls to tell Bella yourself. You need to be the one to crush her heart again and tell her that you don't love her. Because that's what you're saying by giving up, and I'll be damned if you leave it to one of us to have to cause her that kind of pain again."

As Emmett speaks I feel like I'm slapped in the face. I knew he was upset about what I said to Bella when I left, I just never realized how much. I guess now I understand why he would sometimes keep his thoughts so guarded around me.

"What do you expect me to do?" I ask them all. "You have no clue how I've felt throughout all of this, and maybe that's partially my fault for not opening up more to you. But even if I did you couldn't have begun to comprehend what I've been feeling. I've spent so much time wishing I could get my second chance, and then when I got it…for it to turn out like this…I'm just so sick and tired of the emotional and mental beatings I've taken because of it all. Sometimes, you fight for what you want and you can take anything thrown at you because you know it'll all be worth it in the end; and sometimes when you get knocked out and knocked down…that's where' you ought to stay. I'm at that point guys…I've been knocked down too much…it's time for me to accept my losses and just stay down."

I guess I finally say enough to piss Alice off because she's the next one to let loose on me.

"I won't let you just throw it all away again Edward. You made the mistake of not fighting for what you wanted five years ago; don't make that mistake now. I don't care what you heard or what may have happened in that office at that godforsaken club…she loves you! I know she does, she's told me so herself and I've seen it too."

I shake my head at what I'm being told. I know what I heard, and I know what it means. "You're wrong. She doesn't love me."

Jasper cuts me off before I can say anything else. "You need to get your head out of your ass Edward. You know that Alice and I more than anyone would know what's going on with Bella…you need to believe us when we tell you that she loves you."

"I'm sorry Jazz but you're wrong. The girl I saw and heard in that club tonight did nothing to show that there was a chance that she loved me. That wasn't my Bella I saw tonight. If that was my Bella, and if she really loved me, she wouldn't be killing herself with the drugs and alcohol, she wouldn't dance like a slut and take her clothes off in front of men for money, and she sure as hell wouldn't have gone backstage and moaned like a whore while she fucked some guy named Riley after telling him she'd be his 'regular girl'. I still do love Bella…my Bella, but my Bella isn't the girl I saw in that club. It was wrong of me to think I could get Bella back, I was only fooling myself. My Bella is gone, she disappeared five years ago. This girl that's left in her place…I don't love this girl…I don't think I ever could."

It's only when I finish ranting that I realize I was shouting the whole time I was talking. Everyone is just staring at me, not saying a word…at least I think they are staring at me until Carlisle thinks _Edward you need to turn around._

As soon as I turn around, all I can think of is how royally screwed this situation has just become, because Bella is standing there in the doorway to the living room. In her hand I notice one of my journals and several envelopes that have been numbered and have my name on them. It's still absolutely silent, I'm not sure anyone knows what to say, and as much as I try to avoid it, I finally look at Bella's face.

Looking at her face tells me everything I need to know because when I look at her, she has the same broken expression on her face as she did five years ago when I left her.

**A/N: Seems like Edward finally got some of his anger out…too bad he didn't have better timing. So what do we think about what he had to sat? What about Bella walking in at the end…what do you think she heard…how is she going to react? Review and let me know. I promise that if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up on Tuesday or Wednesday. Don't forget to check out the blog for the story (link is on my profile). Thanks for reading!**

**So now for some Reminders:**

**Voting is still going on for The Lemon Frosted Birthday Contest. It's not anonymous, so I can tell you that my entry is called After Dinner Fun. If you're in the mood for some lemony goodness check out the contest. Voting ends on March 19****th****. You can check out the entries and vote here: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2764952/ Just remember to change the dots!**

**Also, I have two entries in The Quickie Contest, so go check out that contest as well. All the entries are 500 words or less so there are plenty of awesome quick reads for you to check out. This one is anonymous so I can't tell you which entries are mine. Voting doesn't start until April 2****nd****, but there are already almost 100 entries, so if you're interested, you might want to start reading them out now. You can check them all out here: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2773975/**

**MOST IMPORTANTLY…I have signed up for Fandom Fights Tsunami. There are over 70 authors contributing one-shots and outtakes for this event, and a donation of as little as $5 to the Red Cross gets you a copy of the complete compilation of work that the authors will be submitting. My submission is going to be an outtake of this story…it will be about what happened when the Cullens went back to Forks looking for Bella. This outtake will NOT be posted on my profile here, so the only way to get it will be through this event. Go to fandomfightstsunami(dot)blogspot(dot)com to find out more about how you can donate and get the collection of work that's being donated by the participating authors.**

**Some Recs for all of you:**

**Invitation Back To Hell by StartTheFantasy**

**Movie Nights by SOFisticated1**

**Sing Me to Sleep by butterflybetty**


	24. Goodbye Love

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I am however the proud owner of a new 42 inch tv so I can see Edward Cullen all huge-like whenever I watch my Twilight dvds. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: First off, I apologize in advance for my lengthy A/N at the bottom, but please read it as I have several new and important announcements. Thanks to ImaTwitard for making sure my writing makes sense. Now, for an important message…I know there is lots of heartfail and angst going on right now for our Bella and Edward. They are both in really bad, dark places and have been for the past five years. There are going to be a lot of mistakes the two will make before they can start making things better, what they've gone through isn't something that will get fixed overnight. A lot of you have asked about whether there is any way for these two to have their HEA, and I will say this…I am very much a big believer in HEA…even if everything doesn't seem like sunshine and rainbows right now…trust me, there is a plan. Thanks to all of you for reading, reviewing, and rec'ing my story.**

**Chapter 24: Goodbye Love**

**Song: Goodbye Love (RENT)**

***BPOV***

I can't help how nervous I am. My hand shakes as I walk up to the front door and open it. I don't bother to knock; Esme always yells at me every time I do, she says I'm family, that I can come straight on into the house. As soon as I walk in though I hear the shouting, and I wish I actually did knock this time, walking in on an argument like this makes me feel awkward, like I'm intruding on some private moment I wasn't meant to see.

As I walk towards the living room, I can tell the argument has something to do with Edward and me, so I stay hidden and listen to what's being said.

The first voice I hear is Alice…

"I won't let you just throw it all away again Edward. You made the mistake of not fighting for what you wanted five years ago; don't make that mistake now. I don't care what you heard or what may have happened in that office at that godforsaken club…she loves you! I know she does, she's told me so herself and I've seen it too."

Now I hear Edward's…but his sounds off somehow…cold, distant…

"You're wrong. She doesn't love me."

I can't blame him for thinking that. I know I've acted harshly towards him; I've just been so confused and afraid of getting hurt again. I know I need to let him know how I really feel…I doubt he'll believe anyone else until he hears it from me.

Jasper cuts Edward off…

"You need to get your head out of your ass Edward. You know that Alice and I more than anyone would know what's going on with Bella…you need to believe us when we tell you that she loves you."

Now Edward's yelling again…

"I'm sorry Jazz but you're wrong. The girl I saw and heard in that club tonight did nothing to show that there was a chance that she loved me. That wasn't my Bella I saw tonight. If that was my Bella, and if she really loved me, she wouldn't be killing herself with the drugs and alcohol, she wouldn't dance like a slut and take her clothes off in front of men for money, and she sure as hell wouldn't have gone backstage and moaned like a whore while she fucked some guy named Riley after telling him she'd be his 'regular girl'. I still do love Bella…my Bella, but my Bella isn't the girl I saw in that club. It was wrong of me to think I could get Bella back, I was only fooling myself. My Bella is gone, she disappeared five years ago. This girl that's left in her place…I don't love this girl…I don't think I ever could."

I don't even notice my feet moving until I'm standing in the doorway to the living room. Edward is the only one who can't see me as he has his back to me. His words are running through my head…he doesn't love me, he's ashamed of what I've become and he doesn't want to try to make this work. My grip on his journal and my letters tightens as I try to keep myself from crying. How could I have been so wrong about all of this?

Edward finally looks me in the eye and as much as I want to run, I can't bring myself to move. Besides, running isn't going to make this disappear; eventually I'd have to deal with it. It's Edward's voice that finally snaps me out of my thoughts and as he speaks, I finally move into the living room.

"How long have you been standing there?" he asks me.

"Long enough to hear everything that I needed to know." I reply, trying to keep my voice from wavering.

I know now what I need to do, but I want some answers first.

"Why Edward? Why spend the time and energy talking about how you wanted to fix things with me, telling me you wanted a second chance? Why would you bother with any of that when you clearly don't love me and don't ever think you could as you so eloquently put it?"

Edward blanches a bit when I ask the question; clearly he was hoping I hadn't heard what he had said. "Bella…" he starts. "I…I still love you, or at least the Bella I knew back in Forks. I didn't realize how much you've changed. You're living a different life now…one that you seem to be happy with and you've obviously moved on with Riley. I wouldn't want to come between the two of you."

If only he knew how unhappy I've been, how unhappy I still am. But his Riley comment throws me. No one knows what happened with Riley. The only way he could know would be if he was there last night.

"You were at the club last night weren't you?"

"Yes Bella…I guess I could say that it was an enlightening evening. You know, you didn't have to send a ticket for me to go to that party and throw it all in my face like that though. You could have come to me and told me…it would have been better than what you did."

As soon as he mentions the ticket to the party I'm confused because I know I had only asked for Bree to get me six…she must have miscounted, and the Cullens probably just assumed I had intended for Edward to be there. The more and more I think, I realize exactly what Edward heard, and I can only imagine what he heard in Riley's mind. I've never wished more than I do now that he was able to hear my thoughts as well.

"You weren't supposed to be there…I asked Bree for six tickets and she must have miscounted. How could I have been so stupid? I thought…for just a moment I thought…clearly I was wrong. Now that I know how you really feel, I guess all that's left to say is goodbye." As soon as I let the word goodbye pass my lips I notice something in the way he looks at me… I turn away from him because I don't want to see it, and I certainly can't bear to listen to whatever excuse he'll come up with this time. I need to make a clean break…I need Edward Cullen out of my life. I turn to face him again, and steel myself so that I can say what I need to, despite how much it's killing me inside.

Jasper looks at me with sad eyes, I know he's feeling what I am, and I'm sure Alice probably just got a good look at what I'm going to do by the look she's giving me.

"Bella, think about what you're planning on doing here. Don't say or do something you're going to regret" she tells me.

I guess Edward doesn't like her meddling because he starts yelling at her. "Who said that you should stick your nose in other people's business?"

But Alice shouts right back at him "Who said I was talking to you?"

Carlisle tries to be the peace keeper and tells everyone to calm down, but it doesn't do any good. Things are spiraling out of control, and I'm sure we're all about two seconds away from saying things that we shouldn't or wouldn't say otherwise.

"You know Edward you went on and on about how you wanted a second chance, but you're still the same asshole you were back in Forks…I've seen this routine from you before…run away, hit the road, don't commit…you're so full of shit. I thought you changed, that you wanted to make this work, and here I was ready to give anything for that to be possible when all you gave was an inch when I gave a mile."

My chest is heaving from me yelling. I can't remember the last time I felt this angry, but it feels good to really be able to vent.

I guess Edward needs to vent too because as soon as I stop yelling he starts.

"That's bullshit Bella and you know it. How many times did I try talking to you once I knew that Alice and Jasper had found you? How many times did I tell you I wanted to work on things between us? Not once did you ever make an effort to actually listen to me and try to make things better. I'm sure you gave a mile alright…the question is _just who did you give it to?_"

I know exactly what he's trying to imply with what he said, and its pissing me off to no end. Who does he think he is? He has no clue how hard things have been.

"God Edward you really are a bastard. You have no clue how hard it has been for me. Sure it's easier now that I have people who actually care about me, and I have been trying to work on myself, but living a fucked up life for five years doesn't get fixed overnight. I wish it did…I wish I could be who you want me to be but I'm not, and I can only take things one step at a time. I've lived the past five years wishing things were different between us. Do you realize that my relationship with you is the only experience I have ever had with love…that besides what I had with you back in Forks I've never known what it means to be in a loving relationship? Do you know what it's like for me to see how happy your family is because they all are lucky enough to have health, happy, loving relationships? I'd be happy to die for a taste of what the rest of your family has…having someone to live for who would tell me that they love me…just me and not the things I do to them behind locked doors in that club!"

I've given up all attempts at controlling my emotions, tears are running down my face and I can't control the sobs as they escape my mouth. The looks of pity from the Cullens aren't helping, and Edward…he just has this look on his face, as though he's given up and resigned to his fate.

"All your pretty little words are nice Bella, but love's not a three-way street. You could never be faithful in a relationship right now…you'd never be able to fully devote yourself to someone while you're still pumping that shit into your system every damn day or swinging naked from poles to make a quick buck. You'll never share _real _love until you love yourself…I should know, I've learned that one the hard way." Edward's voice breaks as he finishes talking, and I just need to get out of this room for a minute. I need to regroup my thoughts so I can do what needs to be done.

Jasper must sense what I'm feeling and offers to talk to me in the kitchen so that everyone can try to calm down for a few minutes. I nod in agreement and follow him, sitting on one of the stools by the counter after he hands me a glass of water. Neither of us have much to say, he knows I'm resigned to what I'm going to do, and I'm thankful he isn't trying to meddle and change my mind…this is something I need to decide on my own.

While me and Jasper may not be talking, the others obviously are, and they aren't being quiet either since we can hear them from where we are in the kitchen.

I hear Edward ask "How could she just give up like this?" But I can't tell who he's asking.

I get my answer when Emmett responds. "How could you let her go?"

I'm on the edge of my seat, waiting for his answer. Finally Edward replies. "You know why I did. I could understand that she moved on, I would be able to accept that. But the life she's living now…how could I lose her to that?"

Out of nowhere, Rosalie chimes in and says "Maybe you'll see why when you stop escaping your pain. You know Edward, at least now if you try to fight for her, everything we've all been through…everything you and Bella have had to suffer wouldn't be in vain."

Apparently Edward doesn't agree because he answers her quickly. He doesn't even take the time to consider her words. "It's already too late. Everything has been in vain…it wasn't worth it…any of it."

"Are you insane? It's not too late, there's still a chance to fix everything. Stop acting like you don't care anymore. There's so much that regardless of what you say, I know you care about…I know you still care about Bella!" shouts Esme. I'm shocked by her tone; I've never heard her yell like this before.

Edward doesn't back down though. "Bella's made her choices, now she has to deal with them and all the baggage they come with."

"So do you!" growls Carlisle. As shocked as I was by Esme's shouting, the way Carlisle sounds is almost unnatural. I've never heard him sound angry before, and now…he sounds as though he's ready to kill Edward.

I'm equally shocked when I hear the venom lacing Edward's voice when he speaks to Carlisle. He's never spoken like that to him before; he's always thought of Carlisle as his father and treated him with respect.

"Carlisle, you think you know everything! Who are you to tell me what I have to deal with or what to do?"

"Edward…don't you _dare _speak to me like that. You are my son, and I am only trying to help prevent you from doing something I know you will regret."

Edward starts to say something, but Alice cuts him off.

"Bella still loves you. Are you really jealous about what she's done with Riley or afraid that Bella's too weak to be able to change?"

"Alice…" Edward starts, but Alice just keeps talking.

"Edward you know I've seen her future, don't make me tell you what happens because of the drugs. Bella's gotten thin; she's running out of time. She needs you…everything I've seen shows that you loving her is what helps her turn herself around…the drugs are wearing her down Edward. Bella's running out of time and you're ready to turn your back on her and run out the door."

"Enough Alice!" Edward shouts. "I've made my decision…I have to let her go."

Having heard enough, I walk back into the living room, and I guess from my expression they can all tell that I heard them.

"You heard?" Edward asks me, suddenly looking guilty.

"Every word. You don't want baggage without lifetime guarantees. You don't want to watch me throw my life away. Well don't worry Edward, you won't ever have to deal with me again. I came here tonight ready to say so much to you…I guess I was wrong to ever even think you'd want to hear it."

I walk towards Edward, and throw the journal and letters at him as I brace myself to say the one thing I know will hurt more than anything else ever could.

"Edward…I just…I came to say….goodbye love."

I give in to my weakness for one moment and place my hand on his cheek, as I take one final look at him before turning and walking out of the house.

I'm halfway to the sidewalk when I feel Alice's arms around me, but I back away, unable to bear the feel of her on me…the coolness of her skin too much of a reminder of Edward.

"Please don't touch me Alice; you need to understand that I'm scared. I need to get help…I need to do this for me. I'm so fucked up right now and I can't live this way anymore, it's destroying me." I whisper as I wrap my arms around my chest in an attempt to try to hold myself together.

Alice just nods as I speak. "Do you want me to talk to Carlisle and the others? Maybe have everyone meet you at the apartment so we can figure this out?" she asks me.

"Could you Alice? I don't think I can go back in that house right now…"

"Sure Bella, go on back home, we'll all be there soon."

I watch as Alice heads back inside before whispering "goodbye love" one more time as the tears start again and I turn away and head back home, trying not to acknowledge that my heart was left back at the house with Edward.

**A/N: Seems like everyone had plenty to say this chapter. Edward's confused and letting his emotions control him right now, so don't be too hard on him. Bella's hurt and trying to get her act together so don't be too harsh on her either. After all she did finally admit she needs help so that is a step in the right direction. So what did you all think of what our favorite human and her vampy friends had to say this chapter? Do you think Edward will read the letters now? How do you think Bella's talk with the Cullens will go? Review and let me know. I promise that if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up on Tuesday or Wednesday. Don't forget to check out the blog for the story (link is on my profile). Thanks for reading!**

**So now for some Announcements & Reminders:**

**Last chapter you all blew me away with your reviews. You sent me 33 reviews last chapter which is an all time high for any one chapter from this story. I hope I managed to reply to you all but if I didn't please PM me and let me know. has been uberfail lately and I wasn't receiving my alerts that people were reviewing. In case the site is still being uberfail, I generally respond to a review within 24 hours of you sending to me. If for some reason you don't get a reply from me within that timeframe, please feel free to PM me and let me know as I want to make sure that everyone who reviews gets the teaser that I promise them. Now, I know many of you had been asking about what was going through Carlisle's head during Halloween when Bella brought him up on stage. I've started working on an outtake of that night in Carlisle's POV but there is no set time for when it will be finished or posted but…if this chapter gets more than the 33 reviews the last chapter did, I will finish and post the outtake before the next regular update on Friday/Saturday of this week. Whenever it does post, it will post on its own as a new story that will contain all the outtakes that I will be writing for this story, so be sure to add me to author alert if you haven't already.**

**My entry After Dinner Fun won a mention in the Lemon Frosted Birthday Contest…it was named 10K Calorie Dessert. Thanks to everyone who read, reviewed, and voted. The o/s is on my profile here if you'd like to check it out, and I'll be posting my banners that were made for me by the contest moderators as a prize so be sure to check those out as well. **

**I've also posted another o/s called Glory of Love on my profile if you would like to check it out. It was my entry from The Jukebox Contest. While I didn't win, I had an absolute blast participating. There were so many great writers who participated and the winners truly wrote some amazing pieces. Thanks to everyone who voted in the contest. **

**I have two entries in The Quickie Contest, so go check out that contest. All the entries are 500 words or less so there are plenty of awesome quick reads for you to check out. This one is anonymous so I can't tell you which entries are mine. Voting doesn't start until April 2****nd****, but there are already almost 100 entries, so if you're interested, you might want to start reading them out now. You can check them all out here: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2773975/**

**I am also entered in the Not What It Seems Contest run by Fanfiction Writing Challenges. My entry is my o/s called A Walk in the Park. Please check it and the other entries out when you get a chance. Voting starts on April 3 and ends on April 10. You can check the entries out here: fanfiction-challenges(dot)blogspot(dot).#Contest**

**MOST IMPORTANTLY…I have signed up for Fandom Fights Tsunami. There are over 70 authors contributing one-shots and outtakes for this event, and a donation of as little as $10 to the Red Cross gets you a copy of the complete compilation of work that the authors will be submitting. My submission is going to be an outtake of this story…it will be about what happened when the Cullens went back to Forks looking for Bella. While I was originally not going to eventually put the outtake up here, I have decided that once the organizers give the go ahead for the participating authors to post their pieces, I will put this up on my profile, but please consider donating…this is truly a worthy cause, and the people of Japan desperately need our help. Go to fandomfightstsunami(dot)blogspot(dot)com to find out more about how you can donate and get the collection of work that's being donated by the participating authors.**

**Some Recs for all of you:**

**The Accomplice by carmelitagabriel71**

**Elementary Education by MusetoMyMojo**

**When the Missing Come Home by nails233**


	25. Requesting Assistance

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I am however the proud owner of a wallet that I'm keeping my money in so I can go buy the Official Guide for Twilight when it comes out on April 12. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: I want to start this out with major hugs to butterflybetty for keeping me calm yesterday and lending me Jasper when I was having a meltdown behind this chapter. I promise Jasper will be returned in a timely fashion (after I finish with him in one of the private rooms). Last chapter we had a lot of things said by everyone and a lot of emotions were running high. This chapter we'll see what's going on with Bella and her finally asking for help. Thanks to all of you for reading, reviewing, and rec'ing my story.**

**Chapter 25: Requesting Assistance**

**Song: Breaking the Habit by Linkin Park**

***BPOV***

Pacing the floor in the apartment, I'm trying to keep myself calm while I wait for Alice and everyone else to show up. I can't help but thinking about everything that happened last night. Nothing went how I hoped it would, but in the end, I guess it was a good thing…something that needed to happen. I need help, my life is a complete mess and not going anywhere and I need to change that.

I hear the door open and look up to see Alice, Jasper, Emmett, Rose, Carlisle, and Esme come in. As soon as she's through the door Esme has me in a tight hug. I'm sure dealing with everything hasn't been easy for any of them, and I know my choices haven't helped. This is one of the reasons I need to do this. The Cullens are my family, and I've already made them deal with enough, I need to start trying to make things easier for them.

I move over to the living room and sit on the couch, everyone else following behind me. Once everyone sits down, I figure that there is no point in waiting, and I might as well start explaining why I wanted them all to come over.

"I just want to thank you all for coming over today. Especially after everything that happened yesterday. I wanted to talk to you all about something, and I know I probably have no right to ask anything more of you all after everything I've put you through, but I wanted to ask you all something as well."

Emmett is sitting next to me and wraps his arm around my shoulders in an awkward hug. "Bella, you're a part of this family" he says. "Regardless of what happened yesterday, you can always come to us with anything you need. I'd do anything for you little sis…never forget that."

My eyes start watering up as I hear what Emmett says and I can't help but wrapping both of my arms around him when he calls me his little sis. It's been so long since I felt like I've belonged anywhere, and to finally be able to call myself a part of a family again…it's something I thought I would never get the chance to do again.

"So Bella," Esme asks. "What was it that you wanted to talk to us about?"

"Well…" I start. "I have a lot to say, and I know you all will probably want to voice your opinions and will probably have questions, but I just want to be able to say everything first if that's ok?"

Everyone nods and murmurs their agreement. Taking a deep breath, I begin to explain everything.

"My life for the last five years has been utter shit. It fell apart after Edward left. I'm not blaming him for it, even though I did for the longest time. I never knew how to cope with all of you leaving. I felt like I had this gaping wound in my chest and all the memories of you guys and Edward…I felt like they consumed me. I lived for the memories, too afraid to let go or try to move on and start really living again.

After a while the memories started hurting too much. The anger started to build, and I blamed Edward and all of you for my life falling apart because if I blamed all of you, then it meant I wasn't at fault. That's when I found the drugs. They were my escape. I saw them as my cure, the way to let myself try to catch my breath and numb the pain I was in every day. I got hooked so easily, my life started to revolve around using because without the drugs I felt like I couldn't even breathe anymore. But eventually they stopped working too, and now I hurt so much more than before I ever used and I'm at the point now where I have no options left.

I'm so confused, angry and hurt. I have made such a mess of things…nothing really makes sense anymore and I feel like I can't even control my emotions from day to day. I want a chance to fix things but I don't know what's worth fighting for or why I feel like I have to scream just to be heard. I've instigated fights and I say things that I don't mean just to hurt people…mainly Edward if I'm being honest because I've wanted him to hurt just as much as I have.

I know that the way I've been living and the way I've acted isn't alright. I know I need to change; I need to break out of the habits that I've fallen into. I need help…I'm asking all of you to help me because I want a better life than the one I'm living. I'm tired of feeling like this and I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't stop, but I can't do it alone…" I trail off, unsure of what else to say as I wipe the tears away from my face.

Nervously I look around at all of their faces, and I'm surprised. Where I expected to see pity and judgment, all I see is acceptance and understanding.

Clearing his throat Carlisle looks at me. "You really mean it? You want help getting clean?"

"Yes Carlisle. I need to do this. Will you help me?"

"Of course Bella" replies Carlisle. "I'm very happy to hear that you're asking for help, and we're all prepared to do whatever we have to in order for you to get better. Now, there are three options that we have available to us. The first option, which we have already talked about is doing a medical detox. The second option would involve you quitting cold turkey, but then you would go through withdrawal and I would need to monitor you medically while you did. Finally, the third option is one that isn't really one that is conventional or medically approved, but it would guarantee that you would never use again."

I listen as Carlisle explains everything, but he hesitates as he mentions the third option. "What's the third choice Carlisle?"

"We would change you" answers Carlisle, failing to meet my eyes as he does so.

Carlisle's suggestion of changing me throws me for a loop. Back in Forks I had wanted nothing more than to be changed so that I would be able to stay with Edward forever. Now as I think about everything, I still would consider being changed, but I want it for different reasons now, and I know I'm not ready for it yet.

"Carlisle, it means a lot to me to know that you would offer me that. But right now I'm not in a place where I think that's the best option. I mean, I know everyone carries over certain traits into their life as a vampire, and right now with how screwed up my life is…I just want to make sure I'm in a better place. Please don't think I'm saying no because I don't want you all as my family forever because I do. I'm just too afraid of what I could potentially carry over with me right now. I don't want to consider the change until I'm more of the girl I used to be."

"Bella its ok, we understand. Just know that when you're ready for it we are too" says Esme.

I nod at what Esme says before I let them know my decision. "I don't want to be medically detoxed. I want to do it on my own. I need to know that I'm stronger than the drug. I know it won't be a pleasant experience, and I know by choosing to do it this way I'm asking that much more of all of you, but this is what I want."

"Bella I'm glad you've decided to ask for help, but doing it this way…it's risky and it's painful" explains Carlisle. "The family and I will support whatever decision you make, I just wish you'd consider the alternative." I smile at him, I know he's only concerned for my welfare, but I've thought this through and I know what I want. "Carlisle, I understand your concern, but I've thought about this a lot. I need to do this my way. It's the only way I think it will work, and I know you'll be by my side to make sure nothing goes wrong."

Carlisle nods his head, accepting my decision, and I'm thankful that he doesn't try to change my mind. I need to do this my way.

"What about Edward?" asks Rose.

I've already thought about Edward, and what I need and want when it comes to him. "I don't want him knowing anything Rose" I answer. "I don't want you telling him anything, and I don't want you to bring him up to me either. I'm not saying I'm permanently cutting him out of my life, but after how things went yesterday…regardless of what was said, I know I need to at least talk to him again. We both need to talk and clear the air, but I know better now that I'm not in a place to do that. All I'm asking is that for now, I have some separation from him so that I can heal enough on my own to be strong enough to be able to stand on my own two feet and address everything with him in the future. I can't have him around me right now. If he is, I wouldn't be doing this for me; it would be me doing this for him. I won't ask you to lie to him, but if he asks about me, just tell him that I'm doing ok and trying to sort things out."

"Are you sure that's what you want Bella?" Jasper asks. "Regardless of how he acted or what he said yesterday he still loves you, and I know you still love him. Don't deny it, because you know I can tell."

Hearing Jasper say that to me makes me want to just run back to the house and try to talk to Edward now, but I know I need to be able to stand on my own first.

"Jasper I know I still love him. I always will regardless of what he says or does. But I can't have him around when I can't stand on my own yet. Once I'm on my way, and I make some necessary changes about what I do and where I work, then I'll be in a better place to have Edward around."

Jasper doesn't say anything else. We all just sit for a few minutes, before I get up and go to my room. As soon as I walk in I head straight into my bathroom and take out my stash and my drug kit that I hid in one of the cabinets. Then I walk back into my room and into my closet and take out the stash I hid in there. After picking up everything I walk back into the living room and hand it all over to Carlisle.

I sit back down, hoping that I'll be strong enough to get through everything I'm about to do. Looking around the room though, I realize I'll be able too, and how lucky I am to finally have a family again, to not be alone anymore.

**A/N: So Bella seems to finally be making some good decisions. Next up we'll find out what Edward was up to while everyone else was with Bella. So what did we think of what Bella had to say? What about her decision to keep her distance from Edward for now? Do we think she'll be able to stay off the drugs and really quit working at the club? Review and let me know. I promise that if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up on Tuesday or Wednesday. Don't forget to check out the blog for the story (link is on my profile). Thanks for reading!**

**So now for some Announcements & Reminders:**

**So last chapter didn't reach 33 reviews, but it was damn near close with 30 so I went ahead and finished and posted the Carlisle POV from Halloween. It is on my profile here on , posted as the first chapter in the story The Lives of Others. This will be where all outtakes from The Sharpest Lives will post, so please read, review, and add that story to your alerts/favorites as well.**

**I am hosting/judging a contest that will be starting April 1 called The Awkward Turtle Contest, so if any of you are looking for a fun contest to enter, check this one out. You have until April 30 to send in your submissions. ImaTwitard and sydneytwilightmum are also judging as well. There is a profile here on for the contest, and you can also check out the blog for the contest: awkwardturtlecontest(dot)blogspot(dot)com**

**I have two entries in The Quickie Contest, so go check out that contest. All the entries are 500 words or less so there are plenty of awesome quick reads for you to check out. This one is anonymous so I can't tell you which entries are mine. Voting doesn't start until April 2****nd****, but there are already almost 100 entries, so if you're interested, you might want to start reading them out now. You can check them all out here: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2773975/**

**MOST IMPORTANTLY…I have signed up for Fandom Fights Tsunami. There are over 200 authors contributing one-shots and outtakes for this event, and a donation of as little as $10 to the Red Cross gets you a copy of the complete compilation of work that the authors will be submitting. My submission is going to be an outtake of this story…it will be about what happened when the Cullens went back to Forks looking for Bella. I have been lucky enough to have vbfb1 design a banner for me for this outtake, so I'd like to thank her for her amazing skills. While I was originally not going to eventually put the outtake up here, I have decided that once the organizers give the go ahead for the participating authors to post their pieces, I will put this up on my profile, but please consider donating…this is truly a worthy cause, and the people of Japan desperately need our help. Go to fandomfightstsunami(dot)blogspot(dot)com to find out more about how you can donate and get the collection of work that's being donated by the participating authors.**

**Some Recs for all of you:**

**The Art of Love by butterflybetty**

**It's a Sign by CaraNo**

**Breach by Catastrophia**


	26. Letting Go

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. If it was I would have taken my own pictures from the set of Breaking Dawn and leaked them myself. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: I want to start this out with a huge apology for missing the first update this week. Between the continuing fail and a crazy weekend and not feeling well, nothing seemed to come together and I didn't want to force the chapter and have it turn out worse than the smell of donkey doo. I know this chapter is short, but it needed to be cut here, as what happens next wouldn't fit well with this chapter. Special thanks to TwiFic Database for rec'ing my story last week. Be sure to check out their blog: twificdatabase(dot)weebly(dot)com/index(dot)html Also, thanks to all of you for reading, reviewing, and rec'ing my story.**

**Chapter 26: Letting Go**

**Song: In Between by Linkin Park**

***EPOV***

…_I still love you Edward, and I can only hope that you still love me too. I know I've made a mess of things, and while I don't expect you to easily forgive me for everything, I want you to know I am making plans to fix what's wrong with my life, and can only pray that you will be there to help me do that. I promise you that if you don't feel the same way about me that I'll understand. We both have changed a lot in the past five years, and if you don't love me, I promise I won't bother you anymore and leave you alone to live your life in peace in the hopes that one day we will be able to be friends. _

_ All of my love always,_

_ Bella _

I set the letter down as I finish reading it. The five that I read before this one all showing me everything I had been too blind to see all along…she still loves me, enough that if need be she would let me go. All I can do is stare at the letters as everything I said yesterday comes flooding back to me. Bella's last words to me – _goodbye love_ – are echoing in my head and mingling with the ones she wrote in her last letter – _I promise I won't bother you and leave you alone_. I shouldn't have let my emotions get the best of me. I want to go to Bella, beg her to listen to me but I know my family is with her now and that they probably wouldn't let me get within ten feet of her anyway. Sliding down to the floor, I can't help but ask myself "What have I done?"

My thoughts are reeling from everything I've learned from Bella's letters and I'm unsure of how to process all of it, so I do the one thing I always do to quiet my mind…I pick up my journal and write.

_Bella,_

_Let me apologize to begin with. I was so wrong about so many things. Many of which were things I said to you last night. I know I need to say these things to you in person, but I realize now that I need to wait for you. I need to wait for you to be ready to talk to me, and I need to accept the possibility of that day never coming. So for now, I write everything here, hoping that one day I will give voice to my written words. In everything I've done wrong, the biggest mistake was leaving you in the first place. All I ever did was want to keep you safe._

_I lied to you that day in the woods when I told you I didn't love you and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I never thought that my leaving would cause such utter destruction in its wake, but it did, and I must take responsibility for my part in the hurt that you have felt these five years. I also never should have forced my family to leave you too_, _but somehow I got caught up in between my pride and my promise to you. I had promised you that I would make it easy for you to move on and remove myself from your life, and in doing so I tried removing everything that could have held a memory of me for you from your life as well. I let my pride get the best of me…everyone told me how much of a mistake my leaving would be but I gave in to my foolish pride, determined to prove them all wrong. _

_The time I spent away from you was worse than death. I felt as though I was in perpetual night with no stars to guide me along my way, and when I found out that Alice and Jasper had found you…everything just became so confused. I got so caught up in between my lies I had told you when I left you and the truth I so desperately wanted to tell you. The times when I finally saw you and tried to speak to you…everything I wanted to say to you got lost in my head before I could get the words out. _

_I never wanted to admit to myself how trying to regain your trust would be harder than I thought it would be…that would mean I would have to admit to myself that I made mistakes, that I would have to shoulder some of the blame for what has happened. I wanted things to go back to the way they were, and I know now that they can't. I will however, never give up hope that one day you and I will find our way to a place where we can again be happy together. _

_I'm certain that I can never fully explain to you how sorry I am for what I've done both in Forks and now, and I know that anything I say or do or plan will never be enough to make everything up to you either. I just hope that in time if you let me prove myself worthy of you again, that my actions will speak the words that I am unable to. I will be patient Bella, I can promise that. I will wait for you always in the hope that one day you will have me in your life again._

_- Edward_

As I finish writing I hear a knock on my door. I tell whoever it is to come in and Esme, Rosalie, and Emmett come into my room. I'm quite sure they all have some choice words for me after what happened with Bella last night, and I know I deserve them, but I need to say something to them first.

"I was an ass last night" I say. "To all of you, and especially to Bella. I'm sorry for how I acted then and for how I've been in the past. I was wrong. I should have listened to you all. There are a lot of things I should have done, and there are a lot of things I know I need to fix now…starting with Bella. I'm hoping with your help I'll be able to start making things right."

The three of them don't really say anything, but at the mention of Bella's name they all look at each other and I can tell they are trying to block their thoughts…which can't mean anything good for me.

"Alright, I saw the way you all looked at each other and I can tell your blocking your thoughts. What's going on with Bella?" I ask.

"Nothing is going on with Bella" Rosalie tells me. "She's actually doing ok considering what happened yesterday. She's trying to sort things out. But for right now…what she really needs is some separation from you."

I nod at Rosalie's words. I honestly can't blame Bella for wanting some distance and I'm glad she's ok, glad that she has everyone else to support her right now.

"I understand Rose…I promise, I won't interfere this time." I say as I look at them all, hoping they know I mean what I'm saying. Rose says nothing else, but nods at my promise to not interfere and leaves, Emmett following behind.

Esme goes to leave as well, but stops and turns back to face me. "I hope you mean it this time Edward. No more meddling. It's the last thing Bella needs right now. She has enough that she's dealing with as it is. When the time is right…if it's meant to be…the two of you will find your way back to one another. But for now, I need to know you won't butt in. You know I love you Edward. You're my son and I only want you to be happy, but so help me…if you interfere again I will let Emmett dismember you and leave your parts in La Push for the wolves to find."

Esme doesn't say anything else or wait for me to respond before leaving my room. Alone again I can't help but continue to think of everything I wish I could say to Bella, but my family is right, I can't meddle anymore. Every time I have I've only made things worse, so for now, I turn my thoughts back to Bella and do the only thing I can…wait.

**A/N: Seems like Edward has made some progress as well. Next up we'll find out how Bella is handling her life sober. What do you all think about what Edward had to say? Review and let me know. I promise that if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up on Tuesday or Wednesday. Don't forget to check out the blog for the story (link is on my profile). Thanks for reading!**

**So now for some Announcements & Reminders:**

**We're now just about halfway through this story, and I'm sure you all have some questions you'd love to ask Bella and the Cullens, so if you review go ahead and include your questions…I just happen to be close to Bella and the rest of the bunch, and they've agreed to a little sit down interview with all of you good people…no holds barred on the questions. The interview will get posted in the same story as the Carlisle outtake.**

**I am hosting/judging a contest that will be starting April 1 called The Awkward Turtle Contest, so if any of you are looking for a fun contest to enter, check this one out. You have until April 30 to send in your submissions. ImaTwitard and sydneytwilightmum are also judging as well. There is a profile here on for the contest, and you can also check out the blog for the contest: awkwardturtlecontest(dot)blogspot(dot)com**

**I have two entries in The Quickie Contest, so go check out that contest. All the entries are 500 words or less so there are plenty of awesome quick reads for you to check out. This one is anonymous so I can't tell you which entries are mine. Voting doesn't start until April 2****nd****, but there are already almost 100 entries, so if you're interested, you might want to start reading them out now. You can check them all out here: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2773975/**

**Some Recs for all of you:**

**The Lucky Ones by butterflybetty**

**The Mail Order Bride by Lady Gwynedd**

**What We Can Handle by gemryan**


	27. Starting Over

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I do however have my receipt from pre-ordering my copy of Twilight: The Official Illustrated Guide. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: It appears that the epic fail that has been has been fixed, so yay for that. This chapter jumps ahead in time by about two weeks and covers up to Christmas Eve (check my blog for the story timeline if you're confused). I know the details of withdrawal might not be everyone's cup of tea so I will eventually write that as an outtake for you guys who want to read it. Also, the conversation with Rosalie that Bella mentions…if you want to know what happened there, I will post info at the bottom of the chapter for how you can get that outtake. Thanks to all of you for reading, reviewing, and rec'ing my story.**

**Chapter 27: Starting Over**

**Song: Move Along by All American Rejects**

***BPOV***

It's been two weeks since my talk with everyone, and I couldn't be more thankful for their support. To say that these two weeks have been difficult is an understatement. I'm just now finally starting to not feel so sick and run down all the time, and can finally really start trying to put my life back together. I don't think I would have made it this far had I not had that conversation with Rose a week ago. Talking with her really helped me get a grip on myself when I thought I was going to lose it.

Hearing footsteps I look up and see Jasper and Carlisle come into my room. I've gotten used to this by now. At first Carlisle was with me all the time, making sure that nothing happened to me, but as the days went by, he's only come in to check in occasionally. It's nice seeing him smile when he sees me; it makes me feel like I'm doing something right, like I'm becoming my old self again.

"Hi Bella, how are you feeling?" Carlisle asks me.

"I'm ok. I'm finally not feeling completely run down and sick all the time. I mean, I still don't feel great, but I'm better than before."

"I'm glad to hear that. Just remember, there's no set time for you to still feel the effects of not using the drugs. You're still going to have cravings and want to use. Just remember we're all here for you and don't be afraid or ashamed to talk to us about any of that. We just want you better."

I get up and give Carlisle a hug as I thank him. "Thank you Carlisle, for everything. I couldn't have done this without you guys. I know I still have a long way to go, but I don't think I would have been able to do this at all without your help."

Carlisle doesn't say anything else; he just gives me a kiss on the forehead and leaves the room.

I look over at Jasper, who has been hovering near the doorway during my conversation with Carlisle and motion for him to come and sit next to me on my bed. Jasper and I have gotten really close since I moved in with him and Alice. We talked a lot, even about the night of my birthday party and I told him how I never blamed him for any of what happened. He must have been blaming himself because after that conversation it seemed like he finally really relaxed around me.

"Hey Darlin'" he says as he sits down.

"What's up Jasper?"

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you about a few things."

I can't help but get a little uneasy. I know there are a lot of things I need to address, and its more than a little overwhelming to think about it all, but I know at some point I'm going to have to deal with all of it.

"Oh…um, ok. What's on your mind Jazz?" I ask.

"Well, I was just thinking about things. I know you never finished school back in Forks, and thought maybe you'd want to try for your GED. I'm sure you know enough to pass the test, so if you wanted, there was still time for late registration for the test this month if you wanted to try."

I hadn't thought about school in so long, but the idea of having a high school diploma was great. Not finishing school back in Forks was one of my major regrets, and considering how many times the Cullens have all graduated high school I felt a little inadequate.

"Sure Jasper. I think I'd like that. I mean, I can always take it again if I fail right?"

"Yes you could Bella, but I don't need Alice to tell me that you won't fail. You're still just as smart as you were in Forks. Nothing could ever change that. I mean come on, you still hung on to your Austen novels all this time…" replied Jasper as he gave me a look that said I was silly to even doubt myself. It was comforting to know he had such confidence in me, now if I could only have the same confidence in myself.

"Now the other thing I wanted to talk to you about…" Jasper trails off, and I'm a little thrown because he usually doesn't seem nervous around me.

"Jasper, whatever it is, just say it…but if it has to do with Edward, I don't want to hear it. I'm not ready to deal with him yet."

Jasper shakes his head before he replies. "No, I know you're not ready to talk about Edward. It's still too soon and I understand that. I um…I wanted to ask you about your dad. Charlie must be worried to death about you and I know you haven't talked to him at all since we found you. I guess I just thought it might be a good idea for you to maybe try to reopen communication with him."

Charlie…I missed my dad. I have thought a lot about trying to talk to him, but I'm so afraid of what he'd have to say, of how he might judge me. I mean come on, the last time he saw me I was locked in a cell after having been busted for prostitution. I hated that he found out, but the arresting officer turned out to be an old buddy of his, recognized my name, and called my dad. That was five months before the Cullens found me, and before that time, the last time I had spoken with my dad was well over a year before that. All I remember now is the pain I heard in Charlie's voice and how much disappointment his eyes held when he saw me.

"Jazz…it's been so long…I mean, Charlie knows about some of the things I've done. I doubt he'd want anything to do with me anymore."

"I'm not saying you need to go back to Forks and show up on his doorstep, or even call him Bella. Write to him…just open up the lines of communication with him. Give him a chance to make the decision on his own. At the very least, he'll get to know you're in a better place and okay now."

I know Jasper's right, and if I'm really honest with myself, I want to try to get my dad back. "Alright Jazz, I'll try. I'll write to my dad."

"I'm glad to hear it. I'll give you some privacy so you can get to writing." Jasper tells me as he gives me a hug and then leaves my room.

I go over to my desk and pull out some paper and a pen. I stare at it for what seems like an eternity trying to figure out just what I want to say to my dad. Finally, everything clicks and I write out everything I want my dad to know. I tell him how much I miss him and how sorry I am for all the worry and pain I caused him. I explain everything I felt and why I did the things I did when I was still back in Forks. As ashamed as I am about it, I tell him about how I survived on the streets, the drugs, and working at the club. I write about the Cullens finding me, and how they've helped me to start to put my life together, and most importantly I tell Charlie how none of what happened was his fault and ask for his forgiveness, telling him how I hope once I'm in a better place how I hope I can be a part of his life again. I tell him I love him…that I always have, that I always will.

Before I know it, I go through seven pages front and back, and I finish writing everything I want to say making sure to include all of my contact information in case Charlie wants to contact me. I stuff the letter in an envelope and address it before I head into the living room. As soon as I walk in I see Jasper sitting on the couch watching the news. Tossing the letter on the coffee table, I take a seat next to him.

As I sit, I can't help but stare at the envelope and think about Charlie. It's been so long since I've spoken to him, and I'm afraid of what will happen once he gets the letter. I've been as honest as I can be with what I've written and hope he understands, but I don't know if I can send it. "Jasper, what am I supposed to do if he can't forgive me? I don't know how to handle it if he reacts badly to this" I say as I wring my hands nervously. Jasper hugs me before looking me square in the eyes. "Bella, I know you're nervous and it's understandable. I can guarantee he won't react badly, he may be hurt or upset about some things, and I'm sure he may have some questions, but he loves you. He'll understand in time."

I don't know if it's what Jasper says or if he's playing with my emotions, but either way I don't care, I'm just happy to feel my nerves calm for now. Jasper gets up after a few minutes, pulling me with him.

"Come on Darlin', let's go mail that letter."

~*\TSL/*~

Finally I fill in the last bubble on the answer sheet, and get up to turn my test in to the proctor. After signing out of the exam I make my way out to the front of the building where Emmett is waiting for me. Jasper had kept his promise and got me registered for the GED exam, I just wish he had told me it was only a week away. I had spent the entire previous week with my nose buried in books trying to relearn everything I had learned five years ago. Needless to say, my brain felt like a scrambled egg, and I was just happy to have it over with.

"Hey Bellyboo, how'd the test go?" asks Emmett as he picks me up in a bear hug.

"I'm just glad it's over. I'm exhausted, and I just want to go home and relax." I reply.

Emmett nods as he puts me down. We hop into his car and head back to the apartment, stopping on the way for me to pick up something to eat for lunch. I guess that's one good thing that's happened since I've stopped using. My appetite has come back, and I've started to gain some weight back so I don't look so sickly thin anymore. I've noticed it most with my clothes…they aren't so baggy on me anymore. I know I still could probably add a few more pounds before I'm back at a weight that Carlisle will think is healthy for me, but it's nice to at least see the change start.

Once Emmett and I are back at the apartment and I finish my lunch, we decide to watch a movie. As the movie plays I find myself distracted…thinking about the test, my letter to Charlie, how much work I still need to do to fix everything that is wrong with my life, and in this moment, I feel that the burden of it all is too much for me to bear. I can't help but wonder about the what ifs…what if I fail this test, what if Charlie wants nothing to do with me, what if I relapse, what if I'm not strong enough to fix everything.

I guess Emmett picks up on my mood, because he starts asking what's wrong. I tell him its nothing, but I can tell he doesn't believe me. I finally give in to Emmett's questions and start telling him everything I have running through my mind.

Emmett sits and listens to everything I have to say, and then he turns off the movie and pulls out the karaoke machine, hooking it up to the tv.

"Come on Bella, you need to do something that will make you feel better…find a song and use it to get rid of whatever is bothering you" he tells me.

"No way Emmett. I'm not singing…with my luck everyone else will come home and the last thing I need is to make a fool of myself in front of all of you" I reply, trying to give Emmett back the microphone he handed me.

"Fine Bellyboo, I'll go first. But you have to sing after I do." Emmett gives me a look, and I know he won't let me get out of singing now, so I just agree.

"Alright Em, but you go first." I tell him as I sit back down on the couch.

Emmett fiddles around with the machine and then he turns around to face me and starts singing…

Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking  
When you fall everyone stands  
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking  
With the life held in your  
Hands are shaking cold  
These hands are meant to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong  
Move along, move along like I know you do  
And even when your hope is gone  
Move along, move along just to make it through  
Move along  
Move along

So a day when you've lost yourself completely  
Could be a night when your life ends  
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving  
All the pain held in your  
Hands are shaking cold  
Your hands are mine to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong  
Move along, move along like I know you do  
And even when your hope is gone  
Move along, move along just to make it through  
Move along  
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)

When everything is wrong, we move along  
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)  
When everything is wrong, we move along  
Along, along, along

When all you got to keep is strong  
Move along, move along like I know you do  
And even when your hope is gone  
Move along, move along just to make it through  
_[x3]_

(Go on, go on, go on, go on)  
Right back what is wrong  
We move along

As soon as I recognize the song, I know Emmett is trying to do more than just make me smile – in his own way – a way that only Emmett could, he's trying to let me know he's here for me. As the chorus starts, he makes eye contact with me, the look in his eyes pleading with me, as though he's begging me to not shut him out, telling me I can count on him to help me through everything, that he thinks I'm strong enough to make it through whatever comes my way.

By the end of the song, Emmett has me in his arms dancing with me, and I'm a complete mess, a mixture of tears from how sweet Emmett can be and laughter from seeing him trying to rock out on an air guitar. Once the song is over I can't help but give Emmett a hug.

"Thank you" I whisper to him through my sniffles.

All Emmett does is look at me and ask "For what? Now take the microphone because it's your turn to sing."

~*\TSL/*~

Thanksgiving came and went, and I was stupid enough to agree to go shopping with Alice on Black Friday. All I will say about that is never again. I think I was traumatized more from shopping with Alice than I ever could have imagined possible. Now that the holidays are close, Alice is shopping almost every day and I swear she's possessed by an elf from the North Pole with how out of control she's been with decorating.

Wanting to avoid Alice's insanity, I opted to go shopping with Esme and Rosalie. We had a week and a half until Christmas and I figured now would be a good time to shop for everyone. I still wasn't used to having a line of credit and a bank account courtesy of the Cullens, but Carlisle insisted, and I knew that saying no would hurt his feelings. Considering how much money I now had access to, I knew I would never want for anything.

After several hours of battling crowds and lines at the mall, we left and headed back to the apartment. I didn't expect to see Carlisle, Jasper and Emmett to all just be sitting there when we walked in, but they were. As I followed where their eyes were focused, I saw that they were looking at an envelope on the coffee table.

"What's going on guys?" I ask.

"Um…you got mail from the Board of Education Bella" answers Carlisle.

At the mention of the Board of Education, I realize what's waiting for me in that envelope…my GED test results. I drop my bags on the floor, walk over to the table, and pick up my mail. Looking around, I notice that Alice is missing.

"Where's Alice?" I ask.

"Alice is in our room. She already knows the results, and wanted to make sure she didn't give anything away" explains Jasper.

I should have known she would know how the test would have turned out. I don't know why I didn't think of asking her earlier, I could have saved myself a whole lot of worrying. Sighing, I open up the envelope and pull the papers out of it. As I read the first one, my vision blurs a bit as I fight the tears that are threatening to spill.

"Well, what does it say honey?" Esme asks as she walks towards me.

I pass her the letter so she can read for herself as I tell everyone else.

"I passed. I officially have a high school diploma." I tell them

As soon as the words are out of my mouth, Alice comes whizzing into the room and spins me around excitedly as everyone else offers me their congratulations, letting me know that they are proud of me. I'm passed around to everyone for hugs, but the celebrating is interrupted when I hear my phone ring.

We all stop talking as I check the number on the ID. There are only eight people who have this number, and six of them are in the room with me. I recognize the number immediately, and can't stop the smile that crosses my face or the nervousness that instantly creeps through me. I don't bother trying for privacy as I know they'll all hear the conversation anyway.

"Hi Daddy" I say as I answer the call, the tears I was fighting before now streaming down my face.

"Hey Babygirl" says Charlie, his voice uncharacteristically thick with emotion.

As I start my first conversation in almost a year with my father, I can't help but think that maybe everything is going to be alright after all.

**A/N: So what do we all think of Bella's progress. Things seem to be going well for her…for now. I'm still looking for more questions for my interview with my characters. They are dying to answer your questions, so when you review, let me know what you want me to ask them. I promise that if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up on Friday or Saturday. Don't forget to check out the blog for the story (link is on my profile). Thanks for reading!**

**So now for some Announcements & Reminders:**

**I mentioned in my opening author's note that Bella and Rosalie's conversation will be an outtake. I'm already working on it, and it is called Already Perfect. It will be included in the compilation that you can receive through Fandom For Sexual Assault Awareness. To find out how you can donate and receive this compliation of outtakes and o/s from a ton of amazing authors, go to fandom4saa(dot)wordpress(dot)com Just remember to change the dots!**

**I know I've mentioned before the Fandom Fights Tsunami event as well. My outtake for that compilation is complete. It has been titled Far From Home, and is about what happens when Edward returns to Forks looking for Bella. If you'd like to find out more about how you can receive this outtake and many other, you can go to the blog for the event. There is a teaser on the blog for my outtake that you can check out here: andomfightstsunami(dot)blogspot(dot)com/p/story-banner-teases(dot)html**

**I am hosting/judging a contest that started April 1 called The Awkward Turtle Contest, so if any of you are looking for a fun contest to enter, check this one out. You have until April 30 to send in your submissions. ImaTwitard and sydneytwilightmum are also judging as well. There is a profile here on for the contest, and you can also check out the blog for the contest: awkwardturtlecontest(dot)blogspot(dot)com**

**I have two entries in The Quickie Contest, so go check out that contest. All the entries are 500 words or less so there are plenty of awesome quick reads for you to check out. This one is anonymous so I can't tell you which entries are mine. Voting started April 2****nd****. You can check them all out here: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2773975/**

**Some Recs for all of you:**

**This Life by CaraNo**

**A Question of Time by KikiTheDreamer**

**ISABELLA SWAN, SUBMISSIVE by kitties1**


	28. Unhappy Holiday

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I do however finally have my own copy of Vanity Fair with Amish Rob on the cover. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: Tissues may be necessary…don't say I didn't warn you. The road ahead for Bella may become a little bumpy, so put on your seatbelts. Thanks to all of you for reading, reviewing, and rec'ing my story. Pictures will be added to the blog. Longer A/N at the bottom.**

**Chapter 28: Unhappy Holiday**

**Song: Incomplete by Backstreet Boys**

***BPOV***

My phone conversation with my dad went better than I ever could have hoped. He ended up asking if he could come and see me, and two days later he was hugging me at baggage claim in the airport. We spent a lot of time talking about everything, and I can't imagine being any happier than I am now knowing that I've made peace with my father. I wish he would have been able to stay for Christmas, but seeing as someone had to work at the police station over the holidays, he had to get back to Forks, but not before promising that we would stay in touch better and that the Cullens and I would come to visit soon.

I'm brought out of my thoughts about my dad by Alice knocking on my door.

"You ready to head over? Jasper's already loaded the gifts into the car" she asks.

"Yeah, I'll be right out" I answer.

I hear Alice head towards the living room, and I sit on my bed for a moment, taking a deep breath to try to calm myself. Today is Christmas and Esme insisted we celebrate at the Cullen house, not that I would have denied her, not after all that she has done to help me along the way so far with staying clean. I'm just nervous about seeing Edward again. I haven't spoken to him or heard anything about him since the day the two of us had it out in front of his whole family. As far as I know, he meant what he said to me that day, so I figure the best way for me to handle today is to just keep my distance from him, and leave it up to him to make the first move if he wants to talk to me. I promise myself that I will enjoy the day with my family, and that whatever happens with Edward today, I will make the best of it. Sure I bought him a gift, but I figure I can just leave it under the tree at some point.

After a few calming breaths, I feel much better, and head out to the living room where Jasper and Alice are waiting. We head out of the apartment, out to the car and drive over to the house. As soon as we get there, the butterflies return to my stomach. Walking into the house, Esme and Carlisle both greet me with hugs before we all head into the living room. I give hugs to Emmett and Rose as I wish them a Merry Christmas and notice Edward isn't in the room yet.

A few seconds later he walks in, and I swear I can feel my heart skip a beat at the sight of him. I try to smile when I see him, but can't because of all the uncertainty and tension that has suddenly filled the room. For a brief moment Edward's eyes connect with mine and I notice a flurry of emotion pass through his before he looks away, the rest of his face unreadable. Clearly he meant what he said the last time we spoke. Reminding myself that I won't allow him to upset me today, I turn to Rose and start a conversation…

***EPOV***

I can't help but pace nervously around my room. It's Christmas, which means Bella is coming over the house today. I haven't seen her since the day we ended up in a screaming match over a month ago. No one would tell me anything about her anyway. Whenever I asked all I was told was that she was fine, and everyone was keeping their thoughts guarded when it came to her. I don't know how I'm supposed to act around her today, or if she'll even want me to speak to her. After the horrible things I said to her, and everything she said to me…I wouldn't blame her if she never wanted to be near me again. I guess I'll just leave it up to her and let her make the first move if she wants to talk to me.

I'm brought out of my thoughts when the front door opens and I hear Alice, Jasper and Bella. As soon as I hear her voice I feel calmer, but at the same time I feel the familiar pull to be near her. I struggle to keep it at bay, reminding myself that I need to keep my distance and let her make the first move. I make my way down to the living room and as soon as I see her, it's as if time stands still.

Looking at her, I realize that my family was lying when they said the Bella was fine, because she is more than fine. She looks healthier, happier, and her blood smells clean again. She's starting to look like my Bella, the one I've missed for so long. Briefly we make eye contact, but her face reveals nothing as to how she feels towards me, as quickly turns and starts chatting with Rose. The impassiveness of her expression stings, and I can't help but wish she would let me in. I have so much to say to her, so much to apologize for, but I need to do this on her terms. I need to be patient and hope that she will come to me.

The day progresses much like every other Christmas, although everyone seems much happier now that Bella is here. Gifts are exchanged and we all laugh as Alice predicts everything that everyone got her. Everyone relaxes and enjoys the Christmas carols that are playing on the sound system throughout the house, and Bella seems to revel in being a part of the family. She interacts so openly with everyone…everyone except me.

As I watch Bella talking and laughing and enjoying the holiday with my family, I couldn't help but feel more and more like an outsider. Everyone seemed to get along, as though they were all in on some secret that I didn't know, one I desperately wanted to be let in on. It became clear to me that everyone was finally happy, and I had nothing to do with it. All I could do now was pray I wasn't too late, that I didn't miss my chance. The only thing that could potentially save me now was the Christmas gift that I had planned to give Bella.

Before I know it, I see Bella, Jasper and Alice getting ready to leave. I know I had promised myself that I would wait for Bella to approach me, but I can't let the chance slip away. I promise myself to just talk to her, give her the gift I have for her, and let her go on her way. I try to calm my nerves as I approach her, and I notice that the rest of the family is focused on me and Bella, waiting to see what's going to happen next.

"Merry Christmas Bella" I say softly.

She looks at me, seemingly a little stunned that I would talk to her before replying "Merry Christmas Edward."

"Um…I'll understand if you say no, and I'm not trying to overstep any boundaries or anything, but I was wondering if I could talk to you for a few minutes before you leave?"

Bella doesn't say anything for a moment, but then nods as she motions for the kitchen. She knows as well as I do that there's no way to truly have privacy in a house full of vampires, but at least being in the kitchen will keep us from having an active audience watching our every move. Once we're in the kitchen, I pull out a chair at the table for Bella to sit and then take the seat across from her. I'm dying to sit next to her, if only to be closer to her, but I'm guessing she would prefer the distance between us.

"So…" Bella starts, but I guess she is unsure of what to say because her words just trail off. I hate that things have become awkward like this between us, but I hope that in time we can begin to feel comfortable around each other again.

"You look great Bella. It's nice to see that you're doing well."

"Yeah, well kicking a few bad habits can work wonders on a person." As soon as Bella says this, I can't help but wonder if Bella includes me in the category of bad habits.

"Anyway" I say. "I know you probably have things to do, so I guess I should just say what I want to tell you."

Bella says nothing, so I continue to talk.

"I want to apologize Bella. For the things I said the last time we spoke. I was angry and said some very inappropriate things…things I didn't mean and shouldn't have said. I have something for you…a Christmas gift. I hope you'll accept it, but I'll understand if you won't."

For the first time today, Bella smiles at me.

"Thank you Edward. For your apology, and for being thoughtful enough to think to give me a gift. The truth is, I got you something as well."

We exchange gifts, but don't open them and I can't stop the smile that crosses my face because Bella thought of me. We sit quietly for a moment, before Bella breaks the silence.

"How are you doing Edward?" What she asks is such a simple question, and yet, it can carry such a heavy answer, one that I'm not sure she's ready to hear.

"Do you want the honest answer?" I ask.

Bella nods as she says "Of course Edward. I don't want you to think you have to be careful around me like I'll break at any moment. I know there are a lot of things we need to eventually talk about, but I'd hope that we could at least be honest with each other."

I try to pick my words carefully, wanting to be honest with her, but not hurt her at the same time, but before I can stop myself, everything I've been keeping to myself these past few weeks just comes pouring out.

"Honestly Bella, I've been better. I mean, I know a lot of how I'm feeling is my own fault, and it is something I will have to learn to deal with in time, but I feel so empty inside, like there are holes where everything important to me used to be. I feel like all I'm left with are distant memories with no chance of ever moving forward. I miss you Bella. I miss having you in my life. Without you I feel like I'll never be able to rest, like I'll never find peace. I've tried Bella. I've tried so hard to go on like I never knew you…but it isn't possible. I feel like I'm awake but the rest of the world around me is half asleep. You know my belief about my having a soul, but I can't help but pray that the pieces that are left of my heart will one day be mended, because without you I'm incomplete."

"Edward…" Bella whispers as she turns her face away. She tries to hide the fact that she's wiping away a fallen tear, but I notice. When she turns her face back to me I pretend like I didn't see.

"I'm sorry Bella, I…I shouldn't have said that. Please, I never meant to make you uncomfortable." I tell her, hoping that what I said doesn't scare her off. I'm caught off guard when she reaches across the table and takes my hand. The same familiar spark is still there, I can feel it. As she takes my hand, she starts talking, and it seems like she's just letting it all out too.

"I've been so angry with you for so long Edward. I've hated you, wished I'd never met you, and regretted ever dating you, but at the end of the day the reality is that I miss you more than anything. I'm so torn between listening to what my heart says and listening to what my head is telling me. My head tells me that I should let you go and carry on with my life, but I feel like I'm swimming in an ocean all alone. I can see it you know…your regrets…they're written all over your face. I understand what you're going through Edward…wondering if you just made some God-awful big mistake somewhere along the way. I'm afraid Edward, of you and what you could do to me. My heart can't seem to let you go and I'm so scared of having to face the world alone, but at the same point…I want to be able to let you go. I don't know what to do here Edward, or where this leaves you and me; there are no easy answers, at least none that I can see. All I do know is that I still need time; time to sort everything out and figure out exactly what I want and need.

Bella pulls her hand away from me as she finishes talking. I understand how she's feeling, and I'm glad that she was willing enough to tell me everything she did…it's a step in the right direction at least.

"Thank you for listening to me Bella…and thank you for being honest with me in return. I umm…I don't want you caught off guard or anything, so …you Christmas gift. It's one of my journals. I know you might have a lot of questions for me about a lot of things, and I understand and respect the fact that you may not be ready to ask the questions or hear the answers right now, and I know that you may never be, and even if you are, you may not want to hear them from me. There's a letter inside the front cover that will let you know what the journal will explain. I just thought that maybe, when you're ready, you'll find some of the answers that you want inside it."

"Thank you Edward…for everything" Bella says softly as she places her hand on the side of my face. She hesitates a moment, before she leans in and places a gentle kiss on my other cheek before turning and walking towards where Jasper and Alice are waiting by the front door.

I'm utterly stunned and struggle to process what just happened, my hand tracing the spot where Bella's lips just were. After I hear the door shut, I remember the gift that Bella gave me. I open it up and inside the box is a silver picture frame, Inside is a picture of me and Bella from back when we were still together. As curious as I am to find out where she got the picture, I'm distracted by the note that is in the box with the gift. I open it and read what it says…

_Edward,_

_This helped me through some of my more difficult moments. I hope it still means as much to you as it does to me. Merry Christmas!_

_Always,_

_Bella_

Looking at the picture and the note, I can't stop the smile that spreads across my face. All I can think in this moment is that maybe there is a chance for me and Bella after all.

***BPOV***

The car ride home is fairly quiet, my mind still trying to process everything that was said between Edward and me. I'm not sure why I kissed him, but it felt right, and I don't regret it. I know everyone probably heard everything that Edward and I talked about, but at least we had the illusion of privacy. I can tell Alice wants to ask me about it, but thankfully Jasper changes topics or distracts her whenever she brings it up.

We finally get back to the apartment, and Jasper helps me carry all the gifts upstairs before heading back down to Alice. The two of them have plans to go hunting for a few days. I think they just want a chance to be able to have some alone time to "celebrate the holidays" together. I take off my coat and shoes, and head into my room to put away all the gifts the Cullens gave me. After they are away, I notice that Edward's gift is still on my bed.

I open the package, and pull the letter out from inside the journal and read it.

_Bella,_

_This journal explains better than I ever could, why I chose to leave you back in Forks, and what I did after leaving you. I only hope that what you read on these pages offers you a way to find some peace._

_Yours,_

_Edward._

As much as I wonder if I am ready to really know what is inside that journal, I also know that I will wonder about it until I read it. Setting the letter aside, I open the journal and start reading, which I soon find to be a mistake.

The more I read, the more I wish Jasper was here to calm me down. Reading how Edward lied to me about not loving me and how he left because he thought he was protecting me does little to help me find peace. Everything I've gone through these past five years, everything I've suffered, and everything I put my father through…it all could have been avoided, it all happened because Edward thought he had the right to make my decisions for me. I feel all the anger that I had struggled to let go of this past month creeping back up, along with all of the pain of my healing wounds to my heart reopening. It's all too much and I don't know how to deal with it all.

Grabbing my bag and tossing the journal, my keys, and my phone inside it before I run out of the apartment and then out of the building. It's cold out and has started snowing, and I left so quickly that I forgot my coat, but I don't care. All I feel is the increasing need to escape, run away, and make the pain stop, so I run. I don't pay attention to where I'm going, letting my feet make the decisions for me. Before I know it, I'm back in my old neighborhood, in the alley where I last got busted by the cops. I don't know what to do now or where to go next, so I sit down against the wall of a building and try to get warm as I finally start to feel the cold.

After a while, I manage to get my tears under control long enough to try to figure out what to do now when I hear a familiar voice.

"Well well well, long time no see short stuff. Looks like you're having a rough night. Anything I can help you with?"

I look up and see him standing over me. All I can do is say "Hey Diego."

**A/N: How did you all enjoy Christmas with the Cullens? How about the conversation between Bella and Edward? If any of you remember who Diego is I'll send you a bonus teaser from my Bella/Rosalie outtake I'm writing for Fandom For Sexual Assault Awareness. I'm still looking for more questions for my interview with my characters. They are dying to answer your questions, so when you review, let me know what you want me to ask them. I promise that if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up on Tuesday or Wednesday. Don't forget to check out the blog for the story (link is on my profile). Thanks for reading!**

**So now for some Announcements & Reminders:**

**My o/s A Walk in The Park is an entry in The Not What It Seems Contest over on Fanfiction Writing Challenges. All of the entries are great and all the authors worked really hard so be sure to go and check them all out. Voting in this contest is now open so after you read all the entries be sure to vote for your favorite. You can check them all here: fanfiction-challengesdot)blogspot(dot)com/**

**I have a collaboration story that will be starting to post on Tuesday. It is called Fudge Pops and Disco Sticks, and is completely different from The Sharpest Lives…lots and lots of funny in that one. I am co-writing that with ImaTwiTard, and we are posting it under our collab name WeRTwiHards so be sure to add us to your author alerts because you won't want to miss this story. **

**Bella and Rosalie's conversation that was mentioned last chapter will be an outtake. I'm already working on it, and it is called Already Perfect. It will be included in the compilation that you can receive through Fandom For Sexual Assault Awareness. To find out how you can donate and receive this compliation of outtakes and o/s from a ton of amazing authors, go to fandom4saa(dot)wordpress(dot)com Just remember to change the dots!**

**I know I've mentioned before the Fandom Fights Tsunami event as well. My outtake for that compilation is complete. It has been titled Far From Home, and is about what happens when Edward returns to Forks looking for Bella. If you'd like to find out more about how you can receive this outtake and many other, you can go to the blog for the event. There is a teaser on the blog for my outtake that you can check out here: fandomfightstsunami(dot)blogspot(dot)com/p/story-banner-teases(dot)html**

**I am hosting/judging a contest that started April 1 called The Awkward Turtle Contest, so if any of you are looking for a fun contest to enter, check this one out. You have until April 30 to send in your submissions. ImaTwitard and sydneytwilightmum are also judging as well. There is a profile here on for the contest, and you can also check out the blog for the contest: awkwardturtlecontest(dot)blogspot(dot)com**

**Some Recs for all of you:**

**Sing Me To Sleep by butterflybetty**

**MFEO by cosmoandmarvar**

**Hit By Destiny by ocdmess**


	29. Giving In

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I do however have DVR capabilities on my tv and DVR'd the HBO Making of Water for Elephants so I can watch it whenever I want. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: Tissues will most likely be necessary. We have officially started back down the bumpy road, so please hold on tight and remember that there is a plan. Thanks to all of you for reading, reviewing, and rec'ing my story. Longer A/N at the bottom.**

**Chapter 29: Giving In**

**Song: Whisper by Evanescence**

***BPOV***

Diego being here is almost like a sign. I know what he can offer, and as much as I want to fight and say no, I can't help it. The pain is just too damn much, and I need to make it stop…this is the only way I can think of.

"How much are you carrying tonight?" I ask him.

"How much do you need?"

"I'll take everything you have on you and I need a fresh needle too."

"Easy there little girl" Diego says. "Since when do you have that kind of cash to throw around?"

"Don't worry about it. I have $500 on me and I can get you more money if you need it once I find an ATM, just give me what I want." I demand.

"Okay, okay. Since it is Christmas and since you didn't rat me out to the cops last time, I'll give you what you want for the $500 you have on you now."

I pull the cash out of my wallet and make the exchange with Diego. As soon as the money is in his hands, Diego heads on his way. As I think about where I can go, I can only come up with one place, my old apartment. I'm sure my old landlord hasn't been able to rent it out and I doubt if he's there to see me try to get in.

I head towards my old place, stopping in the convenience store on the way to pick up some tin foil, a lighter, and I grab a case a beer from the refrigerated section. Trudging through the snow, I shiver and breathe a sigh of relief as I reach my destination. Walking inside, my suspicions are confirmed when I see that the manager's office is empty and I head down the hall towards my old apartment. Trying the door, I find it unlocked and when the door opens, I see that no one is living here now.

The inside looks just as it did the last day I was here. All of the furniture is the same, and it is eerily quiet. The radio that I used to listen to is still in the kitchen, so I turn it on to a random station just so that there is some background noise. I'm not worried about someone hearing me and calling the cops. Most people who live here tend to avoid them whenever they can.

I set down the case of beer on the floor and sit down on the ratty old couch that used to be my bed and pull the journal and my recent purchases out of my bag. Everything from the past five years is swirling around in my head. Being back in my old apartment doesn't help much either. Edward's journal taunts me…as if it knows it's shattered everything I tried to build for myself. The reality was though, it was all for nothing, and I can't help but wonder if Edward really understands just how much of my ability to make my own decisions he took away when he chose for me that day back in Forks. All I want now is for the pain of this new knowledge to go away, for someone to come and tell me that it will all be worth it in the end, that it will all make sense. But the reality is that no one knows where I am, no one is going to come and save me from myself this time. Staring at what I'm holding in my hands, I decide to take back control and stop all the pain in the only way I know how.

I open the case of beer, pull out a can and open and chug the contents. The taste is bitter after not having had anything in a month, but the knowledge of having it in my system helps to calm me down a bit. I pick up Edward's journal and start to reread what I had read before and I feel my emotions start to go haywire all over again. Knowing everything now doesn't help me to make peace with my situation. I wasn't ready to know this stuff, I can't handle it, and now I don't know what to do with the information. I feel like knowing the truth of what happened in Forks is driving me into madness. I stare at the needle lying next to me and I know I can stop the pain so easily, but it's almost as if I have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other.

The desire to give in is so great and I can hear the voice in my head telling me not to turn away from what's in front of me, to not bother to hide my desire to just use again. But every thought I have about just giving in to what I want is countered with an argument against it. It's as though I can hear the Cullens in my mind telling me not to give in to the pain; that it will work out. Eventually it all gets to be too much and I just want all the thoughts in my mind to stop.

I pick up another beer and guzzle it down, desperate to try to silence my thoughts. As soon as it's empty, I take another one out of the case and drink it down as well. Ever the glutton for punishment I pick up the journal again. I'm frightened by what I've already seen written on the pages, but somehow I know that there's much more to come. I continue reading what Edward has written – his words of how he only did what he did to protect me; because he loved me and not because he stopped loving me – push my emotions into overdrive and I can't help the tears that are pouring down my face.

Blinded by tears, the words become blurry, but it doesn't matter. What I've read is enough to make the pain too great and knowing that a way to stop it all is within my reach, I give in. I pick up the needle and the drugs, and prepare everything, knowing that I'm giving in somehow makes the pain easier to bear as I use my belt to make a tourniquet on my arm and find a vein. As soon as I find one, I stick the needle in and shoot the drugs into my system. The relief is almost instant and I just lay back and relish in feeling nothing for a moment.

After a while, I sit up and throw back a few more of the beers before continuing on to read through more of the journal. As much as it kills me to keep reading it, I've already started, and figure that I may as well get through all of it. I manage to get through a few more pages before I feel overwhelmed and make up another dose. I've already gone through more than half of the beer and I'm starting to feel buzzed as I wrap the belt around my arm again. The familiar numbness washes over me once I feel the drugs coursing through my system and even though I know it's temporary, I welcome the calmness.

I'm not sure how long I continue in this way, but eventually the beer is gone, and not long after, I finish the journal and notice that I have gone through most of what I bought from Diego. I haven't used this much at once ever, and by now I can't remember how many times I've injected, the effects amplified by the fact that I haven't used in so long.

Not wanting to waste the last of what I purchased, I prepare what's left and inject it into my system. Everything around me starts to spin and my breathing slows. I feel as though I'm floating through jello and am struggling to keep my eyes open and different images start flashing through my head…

_Angels surround me, each one looking like one of the Cullens. They are all looking down at me as I lay on the couch in the apartment, whispering to me, pleading with me to stay with them. Another figure walks towards me, dressed darkly. I can't see past their hood to look at their face, but all I can think of when I see them is death. The hooded figure beckons me as the angels beg me to stay, but their pleas aren't enough to make me stay as I stand; giving in to the hooded figure, rising to meet what seems to be a way to finally truly end all of the pain…_

As the images start to fade, I feel like I have to fight to breathe. Everything around me starts to become blurry, and the last thing I remember before drifting into unconsciousness is the world turning black as Edward's name escapes my lips.

**A/N: Ok, so I'm just going to duck for cover here because I know a lot of you are probably mad at me right now. Any thoughts about Bella's hallucinations at the end? I'm still looking for more questions for my interview with my characters. They are dying to answer your questions, so when you review, let me know what you want me to ask them. I promise that if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up on Friday or Saturday. Don't forget to check out the blog for the story (link is on my profile). Thanks for reading!**

**So now for some Announcements & Reminders:**

**My o/s A Walk in The Park is an entry in The Not What It Seems Contest over on Fanfiction Writing Challenges. All of the entries are great and all the authors worked really hard so be sure to go and check them all out. Voting in this contest is now open so after you read all the entries be sure to vote for your favorite. You can check them all here: fanfiction-challengesdot)blogspot(dot)com/**

**I have a collaboration story that will be starting to post on Tuesday. It is called Fudge Pops and Disco Sticks, and is completely different from The Sharpest Lives…lots and lots of funny in that one. I am co-writing that with ImaTwiTard, and we are posting it under our collab name WeRTwiHards so be sure to add us to your author alerts because you won't want to miss this story. **

**Some Rec's for you:**

**Set Fire to the Rain by One Brave Lamb**

**My Boys: The Final Stage by butterflybetty**

**Hello Sister, Goodby Life by realism**


	30. Lost and Found

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I do however have some anger towards Barnes & Nobles for not getting my copy of the Twilight Guide that I preordered delivered to me yet. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: Tissues will most likely be necessary. Massive thanks to you all for not killing me after the cliffie last chapter. Some of you had some pretty interesting theories about what happened towards the end of the chapter; hopefully this chapter will answer those questions for you. Massive hugs, thanks, and pics of Rob in his old fashioned underwear go to ImaTwiTard for beta'ing and more importantly for being an awesome person that I get to call my friend. Thanks to everyone for reading, reviewing, and rec'ing!**

**Chapter 30: Lost and Found**

**Songs: Your Eyes (RENT Soundtrack) and I Need A Doctor by Eminem ft. Dr. Dre**

***APOV***

I was glad to be heading home. I enjoyed having the time away with Jasper to hunt among other things but about an hour or so before we decided to head home I got this weird feeling. I didn't bother mentioning it to Jasper since nothing I saw in my visions really stuck out as anything to worry about, but I just didn't feeling uneasy like this. By the time we reach the apartment building, I can tell Jasper's picked up on it by how he keeps looking at me, checking to make sure I'm ok.

We get off the elevator and head into our apartment. It's quiet, but it's a little late, so I figure Bella's probably in her room reading a book. That's become her hobby as of late…when she's not spending time with one of us, she's been holed up in her room with her ipod in her ears and a book in her hands. While most people would think this to be antisocial behavior, we're just happy to see signs of the old Bella coming back.

Jasper heads straight to our room to go shower, but I stop by Bella's room, wanting to let her know that we're back. I open the door and peak my head in but as soon as I look in her room I know something is wrong. Bella isn't in her room, and her coat is still on the chair by her dresser but her bag is gone. I immediately try scanning the future for her, but I can't get a clear vision of Bella, everything is blurred and fuzzy for a moment before it turns completely black.

"Jasper!" I shout. "We need to get to the house now!"

Jasper is by my side before I even finish talking. As I lead him down to the car, I explain everything and then call Carlisle to let him know what's happened and to have him get everyone together. I try calling Bella's cell phone on the way to the house, but there is no answer. By the time we get to the house and walk in the door, everyone is already waiting in the living room. As soon as we walk in without Bella, I can tell they all know something is wrong and that it has to do with her. I just dread having to explain all of this to Edward, especially since his talk with Bella went so well yesterday before we all left.

"Where's Bella?" demands Edward.

"We don't know" explains Jasper. "She's missing."

***EPOV***

As soon as Carlisle said we all needed to talk in the living room I had a bad feeling. Once I saw Jasper and Alice walk in and not have Bella with them, I knew for certain that something was wrong.

"Where's Bella?" I ask, although it ends up sounding more like a demand.

"We don't know" explains Jasper. "She's missing."

I see red when he tells me she's missing. "What do you mean Bella is missing" I shout.

"I mean she's not home, she's not here, and I can't get a read on her future" explains Alice. We all exchange looks, all of us know that nothing good can be going on if Alice can't see Bella's future. I try to keep my emotions in check but slip and turn to face Jasper, unleashing my anger on him. "Where were you two? You guys were the one's she trusted most. You were supposed to keep her safe. Is this going to be a habit of yours Jasper? You always being the cause for something going wrong with Bella?"

As soon as the words are out of my mouth I regret them, and Alice slapping me across the face only confirms how wrong what I just said was. I look at Jasper, ready to apologize, but I guess he understands my emotions since he cuts me off before I can even speak.

"Look, I get it Edward. You're upset; I'd probably say something equally fucked up if it was Alice. Now, let's start figuring out how we plan on finding Bella."

"I'm sorry Jazz. It's just… it finally felt like yesterday was a step forward for me and Bella. I can't lose her again, not now that things are finally starting to go well."

Jasper nods in understanding, but Alice speaks up.

"I understand you're upset Edward, but speak to my husband like that again and I won't just slap you. I'll knock your head off your shoulders and use it for a bowling ball."

I don't say anything else, knowing I'd most likely just say something else that I would regret later.

"Alright. I think we need to split up and go looking for Bella" says Carlisle. "Esme will stay here in case she comes this way. I'll go check around the hospital and the local police stations. Jasper can go check around the park that she used to hang around and Alice, you should go stay at the apartment in case she comes back. Rose and Emmett you guys go check out by the club and the alleyways downtown. Edward…go check around the neighborhood where she used to live. If any of you find her or hear anything, call the rest of us."

None of us said anything as we all went our separate ways to try to find Bella; I don't think any of us know what there is to say. I've never been more thankful for Carlisle than I am now. It was a relief to know that there was one of us who was able to stay calm enough to figure out what we all needed to do. After I double check to make sure I have my phone on me, I head out the door. I don't bother with my car, knowing that running will be faster.

I get to Bella's old neighborhood quickly and start wandering the streets trying to catch her scent or see if I can find her anywhere. I would ask the people I pass if they've seen her, but I can tell by their thoughts that they haven't, at least not recently. I walk around for about an hour before I'm sure that Bella isn't on any of the streets or down any of the alleys. Remembering what Alice told me about where Bella used to live, I head towards the building, thinking that maybe she went and crashed in a friend's apartment.

As soon as I get into the building, I catch her scent. It's faint, but I can still smell it, and I follow it to one of the apartments. I can hear the radio playing through the door as I knock. No one answers, so I try opening the door, figuring whoever is inside can't hear over the music. The door gives way, and as soon as I walk inside, I feel as though I've walked into a nightmare.

I see Bella passed out on the couch. My journal is next to her and she is covered in her own vomit and urine. About a dozen empty beer cans surround her and she still has her belt around her arm and a needle sticking out of it. Trying to maintain some self-control, I rush over to her, and am unsuccessful at stifling the sob that escapes my throat once I reach her. She isn't breathing, she's almost as pale as I am, and her heart rate is far too low.

I call Carlisle and explain everything. He tells me to start CPR and that he's got a room ready for Bella at the house from when she first quit and that he's on his way to pick us up, saying that me running with her could be too dangerous. I hang up with Carlisle and start CPR like he said, praying for Bella to start breathing, and to wake up.

The only other sound in the apartment other than my keeping Bella breathing is the radio, and for the first time I realize what's playing…

_I'm about to lose my mind  
You've been gone for so long  
I'm running out of time  
I need a doctor  
Call me a doctor  
I need a doctor, doctor  
To bring me back to life_

I tune out the rest of the music and all of the irony the song holds in this moment, focusing solely on Bella and not trying to think of the fact that there is a real possibility that she may not wake up again. I can't help but wonder though which universal force I pissed off enough for this to even be happening.

Carlisle shows up a few minutes later and the two of us carry Bella to the car. Carlisle is already pulling away from the curb before I get the door completely shut, but I don't mind. I need him to hurry right now. We make it to the house in record time, and we race inside, with me carrying Bella and following Carlisle upstairs to the room he had set up for her. As soon as I lay her on the bed, he forces me out of the room. As much as I want to fight with him, I want him focused on Bella, so I settle for sitting outside the door, waiting for any word of what's going on.

Not long after I settle into my spot, the rest of the family shows up. I explain how I found Bella quickly, not really wanting to revisit the whole situation. It's bad enough that the image of her looking like that will be burned into my mind for the rest of eternity.

"Why did Carlisle have this room set up for Bella? I thought she was staying with Alice and Jasper." I ask.

"When Bella decided to get clean, she chose to go cold turkey" explains Esme. "Carlisle set the room up for her, ready for any possibility in case she didn't handle the withdrawal well."

I just stare at the floor, unsure of what else to say. I knew Bella had gotten clean, I just didn't realize what she put herself through to make it happen. Knowing that made what was happening now all the more difficult to wrap my head around. I'm not stupid, I already assumed as soon as I found her that my journal had something to do with her relapsing, I just hope now that she's ok, and that we can try to talk through everything when she wakes up.

I want so badly to ask Alice if she can see how this will turn out, but I can tell by her thoughts that she hasn't been able to figure anything out.

After what seems like an eternity, Carlisle comes out of the room, and all of us look up at him expectantly. He looks worn out and almost defeated.

"She's alive" he tells us while looking directly at me. "The combination of the drugs and alcohol did a real number on her. It suppressed her respiratory system. I've given her Narcan to reverse the effects of the heroin and I'm medically detoxing her. I'm keeping her sedated for the next two days for the detox to complete, but after that…we'll have to wait and see how she does."

Carlisle's words wash over me as I struggle to maintain focus and understand everything he's saying.

"What do you mean wait and see how she does?" questions Emmett.

Carlisle sighs before he answers. "I mean that while Bella is alive, she's still on a ventilator. I didn't want to take the risk while she's detoxing. None of us know how long she was unconscious and not breathing. Her heart rate was dangerously low when Edward found her. There's no telling what damage this all caused her, so there's no real way of telling when or if she'll wake up."

"Well, can't we just go ahead and change her?" asks Alice.

Shaking his head, Carlisle tells us "No. She told us all the day she chose to get clean that being changed wasn't something she was ready for and she has yet to say anything to let us know she's changed her mind on the matter. Regardless of how much the potential outcome may hurt us all, I will not go against what Bella's wishes were. I won't take that choice away from her."

I guess Emmett doesn't like the answer because I hear him muttering about how this whole situation is a load of bullshit before he punches a hole through the wall and storms off, Rosalie following behind him. Jasper is holding Alice and trying to keep her calm and Carlisle is trying to comfort Esme who looks like she's about ready to lose it.

I decide to take advantage of the chance to be alone with Bella, and head into the room, shutting the door behind me. Looking at her on the bed, my legs feel like they are ready to give out, but I force myself to move towards her. I pull a chair up next to where Bella is lying, and take her hand in mine.

She looks so small and fragile lying there. Tubes snake out of her mouth and her arm and the only sound is the beeping of the heart monitor and the whirring of the ventilator. There is so much I regret in this moment, so much I wish I could change. Before I realize what I'm doing, I'm pouring out everything that's running through my head to Bella…

"I'm so sorry Bella, for so many things. I regret so much Bella. I'm haunted everyday by the way you looked the day I said goodbye to you. I can still hear you calling and begging for me to come back. I can't get it out of my mind. All I want is for you to look at me again the way you did when you first came into my life. I don't know how I could have been stupid enough to let you slip away from me. I'd give anything to hold you in my arms again. I'd give my life for just one more day with you, because I should have told you so very long ago how I felt. I guess the cruel truth is that distance makes us wiser. I have always loved you Bella, always. Please don't leave me now Bella, not when I've only just gotten the chance to make things right. You're everything to me, and I know you may no longer feel the same way about me, but I need to at least know you're here in this world…living, thriving, happy. Please Bella; come back to all of us. We all need you more than you could ever know. I love you Bella, I always will."

I kiss Bella's hand and then lean forward to kiss her forehead as well. As I sit down, I hear the door open. I turn and see Carlisle walk in to the room. He just looks at me and nods as he goes and checks on Bella's IV's and monitors. I can tell by his thoughts that no one is going to try to get me to leave Bella, I think they all know it would be a pointless argument to even bring it up. As Carlisle leaves the room, I pick up Bella's hand and start humming to her…a song I haven't even thought of in five years…her lullaby.

The next two days pass in a blur, and as promised, Carlisle takes Bella off the sedative, and then removes the ventilator. Bella's able to breathe on her own, and Carlisle tells us all that this is a good sign, even though she hasn't woken up. We all discussed what we were going to tell Charlie, and figured we'd give it a few more days before making the call to him and explaining everything.

Days continue to pass and before we know it, it's New Year's Eve. None of us care enough to notice. Alice hasn't even bothered with her usual plans for a New Year's extravaganza. All any of us want is for Bella to wake up. I'm still sitting by Bella's side, having only left once to change my clothes… I was back within five minutes.

As usual, it's quiet in Bella's room and I'm still humming to her, switching between her lullaby, Clair de Lune, and a few other pieces that I know Bella enjoys. My humming is abruptly halted when I notice the beeping on the heart monitor speed up, followed by Bella's hand moving on its own. I call for Carlisle, and he appears at my side a moment later.

"Edward, I need you to leave so I can work" he tells me. I hate to leave her side, but wanting what's best for Bella, I agree and step out of the room. As soon as I'm out of the room and the door is shut, Alice pounces on me and drags me off to my shower. I try to protest, but she puts an end to it.

"Enough Edward! I understand that you want to stay by Bella, but you've been in the same clothes for far too long. Go take a shower and change into some clean clothes. By the time you're done I'm sure Carlisle will be finished and you can get back to Bella."

Knowing there's no point in arguing, I just do as Alice says. I take my shower, not wanting to admit to Alice that she was right when the feel of the water helps me to relax slightly and then throw on the clothes Alice has laid out for me before heading back towards Bella's room. Carlisle is waiting for me outside the door.

"She's awake" he tells me. As soon as the words are out of his mouth, I head straight into the room, but stop short when I look at Bella, who is now sitting up in bed. She makes eye contact with me briefly before looking away. I know that look…she's given it to me before; nothing good can come from that look.

"Bella…" I say, wanting to say so much more, but lacking any idea of where to begin.

"Edward" she says in almost a whisper, a sad smile crossing her face. "I think we need to talk."

**A/N: So…Bella's awake! Thoughts on what Edward said to her? Do you think she heard him? What does Bella want to talk to Edward about? Remember…if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up on Tuesday or Wednesday. Don't forget to check out the blog for the story (link is on my profile). Thanks for reading!**

**So now for some Announcements & Reminders:**

**My o/s A Walk in The Park is an entry in The Not What It Seems Contest over on Fanfiction Writing Challenges. All of the entries are great and all the authors worked really hard so be sure to go and check them all out. Voting in this contest is now open so after you read all the entries be sure to vote for your favorite. You can check them all here: fanfiction-challengesdot)blogspot(dot)com/**

**I Fudge Pops and Disco Sticks went live on Tuesday, and is completely different from The Sharpest Lives…lots and lots of funny in that one. I am co-writing that with ImaTwiTard, and we are posting it under our collab name WeRTwiHards so be sure to add us to your author alerts because you won't want to miss this story. **

**Some Rec's for you:**

**The Car Wash by Nails233**

**Innocence by butterflybetty**

**Doorstep Bundle by mersedez2001**


	31. Stepping Back

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I do finally have my pre-ordered copy of the Twilight Official Illustrated Guide. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: Not sure if you'll need tissues this time. First off I'd like to apologize for missing the update earlier this week. I had a friend fly into visit from Boston so I was quite busy through Wednesday and I felt like if I tried to get the chapter out it would have been rushed and poorly written. This chapter has taken me quite some time to write, and even now I'm not too happy with it...something about it just feels off, but after hours of analyzing it and trying to figure it out along with reassurance from pre-readers that it is perfectly fine as is, I've given up and pass it along as is to all of you. I hope you enjoy it! Thanks to everyone for reading, reviewing, and rec'ing!**

**Chapter 31: Stepping Back**

**Song: Here Comes Goodbye by Rascal Flatts**

***BPOV***

I feel like I'm walking through a fog. My body is achy and my head is pounding. There is a constant, incessant beeping noise coming from somewhere and I can hear a song that is familiar but I can't place it.

It's never been this hard to wake up before; it feels like such a struggle. I try to move my arm a little, but I feel a sharp pain when I try. As I begin trying to move I hear someone calling out and then a few seconds later I feel cold hands poking and prodding me. The next thing I know, someone is pulling up my eyelid and shining a light in my eyes….it does the trick and jolts me awake.

The brightness of the room bothers my eyes as they adjust, but once they do I look around and it takes a moment for me to remember where I am. Once I settle my gaze on Carlisle, I know that I'm at the Cullen house and when I see I'm in the room that Carlisle set up for me, everything from Christmas comes flooding back, causing me to groan as I realize what I've done.

"Are you in pain?" Carlisle asks worriedly.

"Not really, but I feel like my body is completely exhausted. I just feel like a failure right now." I mumble, unable to look him in the eyes. Things were going well on Christmas. Edward and I were even able to have a civilized, honest conversation. Tears start to fall as I remember everything his journal said, and they are quickly followed by hurt and anger.

Carlisle fills me in on what he's had to do to get me better, and explains that he's had to medically detox me because with how sick I was it would have been too dangerous to let my body go through withdrawal again. I can't help but feel a little thankful that he detoxed me, I don't know if I'd be able to handle going through feeling the way I did when I first quit again.

"Bella, you need to know that none of us think you're a failure. We just want you to not be afraid to come and talk to us…about anything. You're a part of this family sweetheart, and this family takes care of each other. We're here for you Bella; you just need to let us in."

I get the feeling that Carlisle is talking about more than me just letting everyone be there to support me in my recovery, but I don't have the heart to tell him that it is more complicated than just letting Edward in…there's a lot that has to be sorted through before we can get there, the main thing me being stable enough handle my emotions, regardless of how they make me feel.

Carlisle brings me out of my thoughts when he asks "Do you feel up to seeing anyone? They're all anxious to see you."

As much as I would love to play the avoidance game, I need to start acting like a big girl and actually deal with my problems…starting with talking to Edward. There's a lot that needs to be said, and I know I'm not ready to say everything now, but I need some answers.

"Um…could you send Edward in? I need to talk to him first." I ask barely above a whisper. Carlisle nods and then leaves the room.

I wish I had a mirror, I have no clue how I look right now, and considering I've spent the better part of a week unconscious I'm sure it's not good. As I wait for Edward to come in, I start to feel the butterflies in my stomach as I resolve myself to the decision I'm making, hoping I'm making the right choice.

I'm shaken from my thoughts as I hear the door open and shut. Looking up I try to keep my face neutral as I make eye contact with Edward. From the way Edward looks at me I can tell I'm not successful, so I turn my head away from him.

"Bella…" I hear Edward say, his voice thick with emotion. I hate that I've caused him to feel this way, and I hope he understands what I'm about to do, that in the end he won't hate me.

"Edward" I reply, my voice almost a whisper as I struggle to keep my voice from betraying the storm I already feel brewing within me. "I think we need to talk."

***EPOV***

I internally grimace when I hear Bella say those six words. As soon as they're out of her mouth, I know exactly where this conversation is going and it isn't anywhere good. Bella motions towards the chair next to her bed, and so I move next to her and take the seat.

So much is running through my head right now. We're just sitting here, neither of us saying anything. I'm not sure either of us knows what we should say anyway. I know what's coming…she's going to push me away, I can't say that I don't understand though because I do. Maybe I shouldn't have given her the journal to read; I could have had more time with her then, but at the same point, eventually she would have found out and I think it would have hurt us both all the more if this happened later rather than sooner.

Bella opens her mouth as if she's going to speak but stops before saying anything, I can see by the expression on her face that she's trying to figure out how to say what she wants to, and all the while I'm trying to brace myself for what's coming. All I can think is here comes goodbye, here comes going back to feeling nothing but pain every day while I wish that things had never changed from how they used to be.

"I read the journal Edward." Bella's voice snaps my attention away from my wandering thoughts. "I appreciate you being honest enough to let me read it, to let me know the truth…but do you know how angry and hurt I am because of the choices you made? The choices and decisions you made for me, without giving me a say in what was going on in my own life…all I have now because of those choices are more what if's than I know what to do with."

Bella's voice is quiet as she speaks to me, she sounds so broken as she talks and it kills me that she sounds this way because of me. I can still think back in my mind and hear her say I love you like it was yesterday. I love the way her voice sounded then…so sure and confident, a far cry from how it sounds now. I can see the pain of what she is saying written on her face; that she wishes she had never had to feel this way. It's her looking like this that nearly kills me. I used to daydream about how one day I'd see her with Charlie by her side, violins playing Here Comes the Bride, and now I don't think I'll ever get that chance.

"I'm so sorry Bella, for everything. For all the pain I've caused you, but most especially for taking the choices out of your hands. When I made my decision to leave, I truly thought I was doing what was best, that my leaving proved how much I loved you because all I wanted was to protect you and keep you safe, even if that meant me leaving you and being miserable myself for the rest of my existence…it would have been worth it knowing that you had been able to live a happy life. I know what I'm saying now doesn't excuse what I did, but I did it because I loved you, I still love you Bella."

Bella turns her gaze away from me at the mention of the words I love you and once I stop talking, she says nothing in response. We sit in an uncomfortable silence, and while all I can do is look at the most precious person in the world to me lying in the bed that's next to where I'm sitting, it kills me that she can't even look my way now. Finally Bella does look at me, and I can tell by the redness of her eyes that she's on the verge of tears.

"I understand why you did it Edward, but that doesn't mean that I agree with it, or than I'm not hurt or angry because of it. I need time, to sort through this all in my head. I need time to learn how to handle feeling and deal with emotions again. I know it seemed like we were starting to sort things out on Christmas, but now…now I need to try to get back on track again, and to do that Edward I need time…and space." Bella whispers the last part as though whispering it will make hearing it hurt less.

As much as I want to be the strong one in this situation, I can't help but give in to my weakness and plead with Bella to reconsider.

"Please don't tell me goodbye. We've had far too many goodbyes already. I can't let you go Bella. I need you in my life. I need to be in yours…however you'll have me. I've lost you too many times already." By the time I finish talking I feel as though my heart is breaking and I swear that if I could, I would be crying right now. The way I'm feeling is only exacerbated when Bella takes my hand in hers, brings it to her lips and kisses it. My gut is telling me that this is it, that she's getting ready to say the final word that will shatter me and render me irreparably damaged, so with my free hand I grip the side of my chair, bracing myself for the blow that I know is coming, the wood splintering under my grip.

"Edward, please look at me." Bella's pleading with me now, and to make it more difficult, I can hear the caring tone that her voice carries. Meeting her gaze does little to help as I can see a flash of what I could only hope was love pass through her eyes as she continues to speak.

"I need you to understand that I have to do this for me, for both of us. I can't attempt or hope to work on things with you while I'm still broken myself. This isn't goodbye Edward. I don't think I could ever bear saying goodbye to you again, but I do need some space for a little while. This doesn't mean we can't see each other or talk once in a while… but I want to know that I can stand on my own two feet, I need to be sure that I can deal with something that may be emotional or stressful without running to go stick a needle in my arm."

I'm more than a little thrown by what Bella has to say. She needs time, she needs space, but she isn't telling me goodbye or pushing me away completely. As soon as I process everything Bella has just said to me, I feel as though an immense weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

"Space and time" I say to Bella. "I can give you that. And I do understand Bella and I know that you're not making me any promises here, but I do want you to understand how much I appreciate you even giving me a chance, even if we're only ever friends."

Bella offers a small smile as she listens.

"Thank you Edward…for listening, for understanding, and most importantly for finding me in that apartment. Carlisle told me it was you who found me." Bella says as she tries to stifle a yawn.

Today has been a long and emotional day for Bella, and I can see her trying to fight the sleep her body wants. Standing up from my chair, I tuck her into bed, ensuring that she is snuggly underneath the blankets.

Deciding to throw caution to the wind for the moment, I lean in and place a kiss on her forehead, and I can't help but feel hopeful when I notice the smile that flits across Bella's face.

"There's no need to thank me love, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you." I tell her as I watch her give in to sleep. Quietly I leave the room, a smile plastered to my face as the reality that my talk with Bella went far better than I thought it would.

**A/N: So…Bella and Edward talked a bit! Thoughts on their conversation? How do you think the two of them are handling things? Remember…if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up on Tuesday or Wednesday. Don't forget to check out the blog for the story (link is on my profile). Thanks for reading!**

**Some Rec's for you:**

**Just Out Of Reach by TheOnlyKyla**

**Only In Vegas by Liciapooh25**

**MFEO by cosmoandmarvar**


	32. Moving Forward

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I do own a ticket stub from going to see Water For Elephants over the weekend. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: No tissues should be necessary in this chapter. Italicized portions of text in this chapter are flashbacks as this chapter moves us forward in time again a few months. Important A/N at the end so please read it! Thanks to everyone for reading, reviewing, and rec'ing!**

**Chapter 32: Moving Forward**

**Song: Wasted by Carrie Underwood**

***JPOV***

Surprisingly, Bella handled her slip from sobriety better than any of us would have thought. She even managed to remain civil with Edward, and finally it seemed, the two of them were really starting to be able to deal with things like adults instead of avoiding everything or running away. I'm sure Bella's request for some time and space hurt Edward on some level, but he understood this time, and I think having talked it all out with Bella about the reasons why made it somewhat easier for him to handle.

After Edward left Bella's room, he told me that Bella wanted to speak with me. I was a little caught off guard by the request. I mean, Bella and I had gotten closer since she moved in with us, and I loved her like a little sister, but we didn't often have one on one conversations. I guess that was more my fault than anything, I still get nervous about losing control when I'm around her so I tend to try to at least have Alice nearby when we're together.

What Bella spoke to me about that day wasn't what I had expected in the least…

"_Jasper I need to ask a favor of you."_

"_Anything at all Darlin'."_

"_Well…you're really the only one who understands, and not just because you can tap into my emotions. I know sticking to the vegetarian diet is hard for you, that you struggle with it sometimes. I guess…well, I was wondering if maybe you could help me deal with what I'm struggling with…"_

_As Bella's words trailed off, I was left speechless. I didn't know what to say, but Bella asking me to help her meant the world to me. I saw it as a way for me to help make up for my part in what happened all those years ago back in Forks, because no matter how many times Edward, Bella, and the rest of the family told me none of it was my fault, I still carried the guilt from my behavior that night with me._

"_I'm sorry Jasper…I know it's not the same. I just thought that maybe…nevermind, I shouldn't have asked" whispers Bella._

_Her words make me realize that I still hadn't given her an answer and that she was taking my silence as a refusal, as if I could really refuse her anything knowing how important she was to all of us._

"_Silly girl, of course I'll help you. I'd do anything in my power to help you get through this." I tell her as I pull her into my arms for a hug._

_I can immediately feel the change in her emotions, a sense of relief washing over her._

"_Now here's the important part Bella" I say, sitting back down in the chair next to her bed. "You need to understand that this is going to be hard. I'm sure there will be days when you hate me, but I'm not just going to help you stay away from the drugs Bella, you did pretty well with that on your own and I think you'll do fairly well with that this time around too. Your struggle is more than the drugs…you need to learn how to deal with emotions again. As long as you understand that, and are ok with me helping you in whatever way I think is best, then I'm more than ready to start right now."_

_Bella nods her head in agreement with me, and I can tell by how she's feeling that she wants my help._

"_Can I ask you to explain why you finally are ready to ask for help now, when you weren't before?" _

_Bella is quiet for some time before she gives me an answer._

"_Because Jasper, I almost killed myself on Christmas. All because I can't deal with feeling upset or angry or hurt. I can't keep living like that. I want to be able to move past all the crap that's happened and start living again. A part of it is that I'd like to be in a better place to see if things between Edward and I can be fixed, but the main reason is that I want to know that I can just be normal. The past five years were hell for me, and I know I had my own role in that. I could have made some better choices along the way. I've wasted so much time already and made so many mistakes…I don't want to spend the rest of my life jaded, thinking the way I was living is ok. I don't want to wake up one day and find that my entire life has passed me by and it's all been a waste. I want to be able to live and appreciate everything in the world around me instead of just wishing I could. I just…I want a chance at life, to really live, and the way I'm living now won't give me that. I need to make changes, and I know now that I can't do it alone." _

Day by day things were getting better. Talking to me seemed to help Bella a lot, she was in a way struggling just as I did, and I was surprised at how well I could relate to her and what she was going through. The truth of it all was that I felt like she was helping me more than I was helping her. It seemed for the first time in longer than I could remember, that I was finding my humanity again…the only other times I had ever felt close to this was when I would be alone with Alice.

Bella's hardest emotion to deal with was the anger. She had been so angry for so long about everything and kept it all bottled up. I finally had an idea to help Bella deal with it…I started teaching her how to fight. Bella took to it really well considering how uncoordinated she used to be.

Finding healthier outlets for Bella to deal with everything helped immensely when she was finding her emotions difficult to handle. It also seemed to help her get back to looking healthier too. Sparring with Bella and working with her in the gym had Bella looking more toned and you could see that she was finally gaining the weight that she so desperately needed to.

I pushed her daily to talk about things from her past and to voice how everything made her feel. The one thing that has plagued my mind constantly was Edward. Even though Bella promised him she wasn't telling him goodbye, she still haven't contacted him again since Carlisle said it was ok for her to move back to the apartment. That was just about two months ago now. We've only ever talked about him in the general sense, and he was the one topic I could sense she wasn't fully ready to tackle yet.…I couldn't say that I didn't understand, I think she just don't know what to say or where to start, because when you think about it, how do you even begin to figure out how to deal with the root cause of five years' worth of hurt and anger?

At least yesterday there was a bit of a breakthrough as far as Edward was concerned. Bella had been rebuilding her relationship with Charlie. They frequently spoke on the phone, and he had even come to visit twice. It was nice to see Bella getting that part of her life back. While they were talking on the phone yesterday, I overheard Charlie ask about Edward. Bella did a clever job of avoiding having to answer, but I think whatever else Charlie had to say struck a chord with Bella because she approached me not long after she hung up with her dad…

_Hearing footsteps I look up to see Bella tucking her phone into her pocket as she makes her way over to sit next to me on the couch. I can sense her nervousness, but I want her to speak up on her own about whatever is bothering her. She does a few minutes later._

"_I miss him" Bella mumbles seemingly to herself._

"_Your dad?" I question, although I doubt this is who she's really talking about. _

"_No. I mean I do miss him, but I know he's coming back to visit soon. I meant Edward, Jasper. I miss Edward…so very much."_

"_Have you thought about talking to him at all? Maybe just call him on the phone? I'm sure he misses you just as much…it's been two months Bella and he's yet to hear a word from you even though you promised him you wouldn't cut him off." I didn't mean to sound so harsh with Bella, but I was admittedly starting to lose patience with her avoiding Edward…it just wasn't fair to him for her to go back on her promise the way she was. _

"_I have thought about it Jasper. I know I promised him I wouldn't shut him out, and I meant it. I just…I don't know how to be around him, or what to say. I know there is so much that the two of us need to work out, but I can't for the life of me figure out where to begin. I'm afraid of hurting him, and I'm even more scared that he'll end up hurting me."_

"_Bella, I know you're scared. It's understandable, and I'd be more concerned if you weren't. But it's been almost two months now. I think it's time for you to do more than just think about it."_

_Bella nods her head and then she's quiet for a while._

_Finally she breaks the silence._

"_I'll call him. Before the end of the week, I promise I'll call him. I can't keep avoiding him anymore. It's not fair to him or to me."_

Bella's decision was a sign of just how much progress she's made. I didn't have to be overly persuasive with her about things any more, and I was really hoping that today she would have made the call to Edward. It's the reason why Alice and I decided to go hunting today, so that if she did make the call, she wouldn't have to worry about privacy. We didn't go far though since we wanted to avoid a repeat of what happened at Christmas, and we also made Bella promise to call us if she needed anything at all.

Alice being her usual self decided to go shopping for a while after our hunt, deciding she needed to get some new clothes for herself and Bella. Walking off of the elevator and up to the apartment door, I immediately sense something is wrong. There is a faint, familiar odor in the air – one I hadn't smelled since Forks – there was definitely a wolf in the apartment.

After gaining enough control of myself to keep calm once I walked inside, I open the door and walk in, but I'm not at all prepared for what I'm greeted with in the living room. Jacob Black is sitting on the couch and Bella is lying next to him, curled up in a fetal position, sobbing as the tears run down her face.

**A/N: So…Bella's made some progress and Jacob is back in the picture. What do you think of Bella's avoiding Edward? Why is Jacob back? And most importantly…why is Bella crying? Remember…if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up on Friday or Saturday. Don't forget to check out the blog for the story (link is on my profile). Thanks for reading!**

**Now for the important announcement!**

**I've been nominated in two categories in The Sunflower Awards. I'm very excited to just be nominated along with all the other amazing authors and stories that were nominated as well. The Sharpest Lives was nominated in The Best Angst Story category and my o/s A Walk In The Park has been nominated in The Best OneShot Category. Nominations are open until April 30****th**** and Voting starts on May 4****th****. You can go to thesunflowerawards(.)blogspot(.)com/ to check out all the nominees and to vote once voting opens. **

**Some Rec's for you:**

**Seeker of Angels by Ms. Misty Cullen**

**Only In Vegas by Liciapooh25**

**MFEO by cosmoandmarvar**


	33. No More Second Chances

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I do have an autographed picture of Jackson Rathbone since I got to meet him today. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: Tissues…go grab them. I'm really glad everyone enjoyed Jasper's POV last chapter, and I have to say I loved everyone's thoughts about Jacob's return…now it's time to find out exactly why he showed up. Thanks to everyone for reading, reviewing, and rec'ing!**

**Chapter 33: No More Second Chances**

**Song: Apologize by One Republic**

***BPOV***

After talking with Jasper yesterday about everything with Edward, I realized that he was right. It wasn't fair to Edward or me to just keep trying to avoid talking to him. If I ever wanted to have even a chance of fixing things with Edward I would need to start somewhere. Jasper's suggestion of a phone call seemed to be a pretty good idea for a starting point. I also needed to figure out what I wanted to say to him, so I decided to order some food to be delivered for lunch so I could try to sort everything out in my head before I make the call to Edward.

As I'm sitting on the couch, working through my thoughts, I hear a knock at the door. Figuring it is the delivery guy with my lunch, I run to my room and grab my wallet before opening the door. Boy was I wrong. Opening the door, I see not the delivery guy with my food, but Jacob Black standing there. I know my dad had been telling him and Billy about me, and filling them in on how I'm doing, but I never thought Jake would show up here. Looking at him, he seemed like he was exhausted and run down…a look I knew all too well in the past.

"Jake" I whisper. "What are you doing here? "

Jake just looks at me for a moment before sweeping me into a bone crushing hug, murmuring apologies to me before setting me back on the ground.

"I'm so sorry for how I acted and for how I treated you back in Forks. I was so wrong to do that."

I'm taken aback by his admission. It was something I never thought I would hear, not after how things fell apart between us back in Forks.

"Thank you Jake. You don't know what it means to hear you say that, but I need to apologize to you too. I didn't treat you the way I should have either, and for that I'm more sorry than you'll ever know. We both made mistakes, and maybe now we can both move forward and try to start over." I fumble over the words, trying to keep my emotions in check.

"I'd like that Bells" replies Jake. His eyes don't fully meet mine though when he speaks, and I can't help but feel like he's hiding something from me.

"So…was that the only reason you came Jake? Or…"

As I speak, Jacob finally looks at me, and I can tell by the way he does that something is wrong. A pit of worry and nerves starts growing uncontrollably in my stomach.

"Um, why don't we go on and sit down Bella. I need to talk to you about something" Jake tells me, his voice almost inaudible.

Even more nervous now, I lead Jake into the living room and the both of us sit on the couch.

Taking my hand in his and letting out a breath, Jacob starts to explain why he's here.

"You know you meant the world to Charlie…" Jacob keeps talking, but as soon as I hear meant and Charlie in the same sentence…Jake saying things in the past tense, I know why he's here, and I can no longer focus on what he's saying as I lose control in a fit of sobs, tears, and screams. All I end up picking up from what Jake says are bits and pieces…coronary artery disease, heart attack, he went quickly.

All I can replay in my head is my last conversation with my dad, and how he was supposed to be visiting again in another two weeks, and now how that will never happen, which just brings on another round of uncontrollable tears. This wasn't supposed to happen this way. I was just starting to get him back, things were finally working out for me, and now I have to say goodbye. There were just far too many things left unsaid…too many I love you's and I'm sorry's that I'll never get the chance to say. How am I supposed to move on from this? I'm not sure I know how to. All I do know is that I wish I had been given more time to make things right.

I don't know how long I stay curled up on the couch crying, but Jake stays with me. He doesn't say anything, doesn't tell me everything's okay because we both know it isn't. Eventually I hear the front door open, but I can't bring myself to look to see who it is. Everything around me seems muddled, and I feel detached from whatever is happening. I see Jacob and Jasper talking, as soon as I hear my father's name I realize Jake is explaining everything to Jasper…I continue sobbing, unable to do anything else.

Soon after I notice Jasper's presence, I see him walk to me and then I feel him scoop me up in his cool arms as he cradles me in his lap and attempts to calm me. It helps, but not much, at least now my sobbing is more like a controlled sniffle with an occasional hiccup.

I'm not sure how much more time passes but soon the rest of the Cullens arrive, Edward included, and they quickly start discussing things, all of them talking fast enough to make my head spin. Overwhelmed by everything I allow myself the one escape I know I can handle and drift off to sleep. As I'm slipping off into a dream…one where everything is right in my world – me and Edward together, and more importantly, my father alive – I feel myself being carried into my room and placed in my bed.

As I'm laid down, I hear Emmett's voice as he whispers to me.

"Don't worry little sis. We're all here to help you through this. We'll go back with you if you want. You won't have to deal with this alone." Placing a gentle kiss on my forehead, Emmett turns and leaves my room.

It's only after he leaves however that the reality sets in as I'm finally drifting off to sleep…I'll have to go back now…go back to the one place I promised myself I wouldn't return to…it's time for me to go back to Forks.

**A/N: So…I'll just be hiding away in a corner somewhere since I know you all probably hate me right now. How do you think Bella is going to deal with having to go back to Forks? What do you think of what Jake had to say before he told Bella about Charlie? Remember…if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up on Thursday or Friday. Don't forget to check out the blog for the story (link is on my profile). Thanks for reading!**

**Now for the important reminder!**

**I've been nominated in two categories in The Sunflower Awards. I'm very excited to just be nominated along with all the other amazing authors and stories that were nominated as well. The Sharpest Lives was nominated in The Best Angst Story category and my o/s A Walk In The Park has been nominated in The Best OneShot Category. Nominations are open until April 30****th**** and Voting starts on May 4****th****. You can go to thesunflowerawards(.)blogspot(.)com/ to check out all the nominees and to vote once voting opens. **

**Some Rec's for you:**

**Memoirs of a Mob Wife by Insert Fangs Here**

**Our Yellow House by CaraNo**

**My Life After 40 by sandym**


	34. The Final Goodbye

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I do have an autographed picture of Jackson Rathbone since I got to meet him today. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: Tissues…go grab them, lord knows I bawled while writing this chapter. A very special thank you goes out to my Twifey, theonlykyla. She's absolutely amazing and makes me feel like I've finally found the missing piece of myself. As usual, thanks to everyone for reading, reviewing, and rec'ing.**

**Chapter 34: The Final Goodbye**

**Song: The Greatest Man I Never Knew by Reba McEntire**

***BPOV***

I don't remember much of the trip back to Forks, hell I don't remember much after Jake said he needed to talk to me. We've been here for two days now, and Charlie's funeral is in two hours. The Cullens have been great to me through all of this, and even though they've been hovering a bit more than usual I know they mean well. The reality is, they're hovering has kept me sane, especially after going back to Charlie's house yesterday to settle everything there.

Carlisle and Esme handled everything with the laywers for Charlie's will and Alice and Rose made all the funeral arrangements. With everything all said and done, I was left everything that Charlie owned, including the house, and a letter that was included with his will. There wasn't much to do with the house, I can't bear to part with any of my dad's things, so Esme offered to arrange for the same cleaning crew that maintains their home to come and take care of Charlie's too. That decision, knowing that I didn't have to part with my fathers things, is what made having to go back to that house easier. What made it difficult was reading the letter he had wrote to me.

Reading that letter gave me peace, but it broke my heart at the same time. Charlie explained how he understood more now why I handled Edward's leaving the way I did. He told me he knew about the Cullens…apparently during a fishing trip Billy let the truth slip about the Cullens and the wolves. Charlie thought Billy was kidding at first, until Jake phased in front of him. He called Carlisle after that, who explained everything Charlie wanted to know…and would you believe it, Charlie was ok with it, he was happy that I had people who could protect me. He wrote how he understood and gave his blessing if I worked things out with Edward, if I chose to join the Cullen family. It all seemed so unfair as I read the letter, that I would finally start building a life where I would have had everything I wanted only to have one of the most important parts be ripped away from me.

As I sorted through my dad's things yesterday I realized just how much of him I didn't know, like just how much he liked to read…hidden in his closet were boxes of classics that seemed worn from being read so many times. I never would have guessed that my love of books came from Charlie.

For all the anger and frustration I caused him, he still had kept my room the way it was when I left, he still had all of my school pictures left on the shelf in the living room. I swear the man thought I hung the moon with how he saved every little thing of mine from when I was little.

I'm torn from my thoughts as I hear the door to my room open. Looking up I see Alice coming in, a black clothes in her hands.

"I was just bringing you your clothes for today. You should get ready; we're leaving in an hour for the church." Alice places the dress and shoes on the bed and walks out, leaving me with my thoughts. Looking at what Alice has picked for me, I notice the dress is simple and the shoes flat. I'll have to remember to thank Alice for not pushing me today to be "fashion forward" as she puts it.

My mind shuts down as I go through the process of showering and getting dressed. Unsure of what to do with my hair I dry it and leave it alone, not seeing the point in trying to make it look nice on a day like today. Sooner than I like, we leave the house and the next thing I know we're at the church. Walking towards the entrance, my legs are shaky and I'm unsure of whether or not I'll be able to make it through the day. Everyone from town is here for the funeral, and from the judgmental looks they are all giving me, I can tell that none of them have forgotten my downward spiral of self-destruction that they witnessed before my abrupt departure from town.

I don't know how to do this…how to say goodbye to my father. As much as I thought I knew him, I realizejust how much I didn't know, and now I'll never get the chance. How am I supposed to be able to say goodbye to Charlie knowing the looks that everyone in this godforsaken town is giving me. Lord only knows what the all must be thinking. I'm not so sure I can get through this…and I don't think I have the strength left in me to try. "You're not alone" Jasper whispers, reminding me just like the rest of the Cullens have been these past few days. Sighing, I offer him a nod before stepping into the church.

As soon as I walk inside with the Cullens, I can hear the murmuring and whispers of questions about why the Cullens are with me, and where I've been these past few years. It takes everything in me to not break down as they toss the rumors, gossip, and lies around as I make my way to the front pew. Once there I try to just focus on the front of the church, but as soon as I look up all I see is Charlie's coffin and it's enough to set me off, and I break down crying for what feels like the millionth time.

The service is a blur. Prayers are said, people stand to talk about my father and what a good man he was, and in the middle of it all I can't help but feel jealous of them all because I feel like they knew my father better than me. Before I know it, my father's casket is being carried up the aisle and put into the hearse to be brought to the cemetery.

Right before I'm about to get into the car with Emmett and Rose, I hear Sue calling out my name. The last time my dad and I had spoken, he had told me that he and Sue had gotten close ever since her husband Harry passed away. I tried to get him to admit to more, but all he would ever say was that Sue was a lovely woman who he had gotten close to. I tried not to think of exactly how close they may have gotten. Turning around to see what Sue wants, I'm caught off guard by her slapping me across the face as she starts shouting at me.

"You stupid bitch. I hope you know you're the reason your father is dead! He was a good man…he didn't deserve to have to deal with you for a daughter. Do you know how stressed he was all these years because of you? Worried about if you were hurt or dead in a ditch somewhere. He didn't need that stress. He was a good father to you, took you in when your mother moved to Florida, and how do you repay him? By turning into a drug abusing hussy that sold herself to the highest bidder. I hope you're happy now Bella, because your father's death falls on your shoulders." By the time she stops yelling, Sue is breathing heavy and everyone is staring.

I can't help but collapse into a ball of tears on the ground as everyone tries to calm the situation. Jake and his wife April are trying to calm down Leah who is yelling at Esme and Rose and they try to pull Sue away from me. Alice is screaming God knows what at Sue, Billy and Sam are trying to keep the rest of the pack calm and all of the Cullen men are tensing into protective stances because of the potential threat the wolves will pose if they phase.

As I'm trying to remember how to breathe, I notice the car keys that Emmett dropped on the ground in the midst of all the commotion. All I can think about is how I need to get out of here, I need to get away, I need the pain to stop. Grabbing the keys, I get up and into the car, driving away from everything and towards one of my old haunts in the hopes of finding a way to make the pain stop.

**A/N: So…I'll still be hiding away in a corner somewhere so I can dodge the tomatoes (especially from you Massy!). What do you think about Charlie's letter? How about what Sue had to say or the fact that Jake is married? Remember…if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up on Saturday or Sunday. Don't forget to check out the blog for the story (link is on my profile). Thanks for reading!**

**Now for the important reminder!**

**I've been nominated in 3 categories in The Sunflower Awards. I'm very excited to just be nominated along with all the other amazing authors and stories that were nominated as well. The Sharpest Lives was nominated in The Best Angst Story category and Best Bella Category, and my o/s A Walk In The Park has been nominated in The Best OneShot Category. Voting is now open. You can go to thesunflowerawards(.)blogspot(.)com/ to check out all the nominees and to vote. **

**Some Rec's for you:**

**Just Out Of Reach by theonlykyla**

**Danza Mania by MzBionic**

**Breach by Catastrophia**


	35. The Final Battle

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I do have an ugly knee brace I get to wear for a while though since I tripped over my dog and fell down the stairs like a slinky…it wasn't fun. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: I loved everyone's thoughts about Sue. She was a tad bitchy towards Bella. As usual, thanks to everyone for reading, reviewing, and rec'ing.**

**Chapter 35: The Final Battle**

**Song: Tourniquet by Evanescence**

***BPOV***

I slam my foot on the gas as I drive away from the church. I don't bother with looking into the rear view mirror, even though I can hear the Cullens shouting at me to come back. I'm also quite sure that the only reason that the pack didn't phase and that the Cullens didn't run to catch me was the fact that everyone else who was at the funeral had stopped to see the scene that Sue was causing.

All I can think about as I make my way through town is how badly I want all the pain to stop, how much I need a break from it all. Without even thinking or consciously making the decision, I find myself heading into Port Angeles towards one of my old hang outs. Pulling up near the old warehouse, I can see nothing has changed much, neither have any of the people.

I park the car and make my way towards the side entrance, and try the knock that I used to use – three quick knocks followed by two longer ones – and pray that someone opens the door, which thankfully someone does a few moments later.

Standing in the doorway is a gangly looking boy who looks like he hasn't showered in about a week and probably isn't older than seventeen, but I can tell by the gun I see peeking out of his pants that he's the kind of kid who means business. The boy eyes me suspiciously and its only when I realize what I'm wearing and the fact that I don't look like the usual customers that come through here that I understand why he is.

"What's your deal?" he asks.

"Is Fred still running the show?" I reply, hoping I still remember the way things were run here.

The boy nods.

"Let him know the flightless bird is looking for her wings."

I hear nothing else out of the boy as he walks off to go find Fred. I wonder if Fred will even remember me or the code that I always used to use with him when I was looking to score. It was the one reason Fred always managed to stay in business. He always had plenty of middlemen and everyone had their own code…it kept the cops off of his tail for this long so I guess it worked.

A short while later I hear footsteps and turn to see Fred walking towards me, a smirk on his face.

"Well if it isn't the little bird who managed to leave the nest"

"Look Fred, I'm in a bit of a hurry so…"

"No worries my dear. I have what you're looking for as long as you have the paper."

Nodding, I pull the cash out of my wallet and hand it over to Fred who counts it before handing me the drugs and the syringe. Tossing my purchase into my purse, offer a wave to Fred and head back out to the car.

As I get into the car and start it, the sky opens up and it starts to rain. Fitting for the day, I think to myself. Unsure of where I'm going next I just start driving as all the thoughts that I've been fighting to keep out of my mind come flooding back in.

After driving for a while, I park the car, and start walking the once all too familiar trail that Edward and I used to take to get to our meadow. It's slow going and not as easy as I remember it being, then again, when I used to be on this path Edward usually just carried me as he ran.

I manage to find my way back to the meadow that Edward and I used to spend our time in. As soon as I break clear of the trees I fall to the ground, the rain pouring down mixing with the tears running down my cheek. I can't handle this…I thought I could, but I can't. I was doing ok, I was handling the grief and the loss of Charlie, but the blame….I can't handle the blame. Sue was right with everything she said. It was all my fault, and because of that I don't deserve this chance at happiness…Charlie paid for my sins, now it's time for me to pay as well. Staring down at the needle in my hand, I can feel the battle waging within me as I try to decide if I have the strength and the will not to give in to my inner demons.

***EPOV***

As soon as we heard the car door slam shut we all realized what was happening. In the chaos that ensued after Sue's outburst we all neglected the one person who most needed comfort and support…Bella. We all shouted after her to stop as we heard her rev the engine when she drove away, but she didn't listen, and with half of Forks standing around us, none of us could just go run after her to try to bring her back.

We all jumped into our cars and headed back to the house. Once we got there and realized Bella didn't come back here we started to worry. Emmett went and checked Charlie's house but she wasn't there either, and once Alice said she was getting glimpses of a warehouse followed by glimpses of green and lots of trees, all of us were in full blown panic mode.

Carlisle didn't say it, he didn't even really need to think it, but I knew…if Bella lost it and went over the edge this time, we probably wouldn't be able to save her. Despite how much Bella had opened up with us about everything, she never went into full specifics of where or who she got drugs from or where she spent her time when she was on her own or living on the streets. We knew she had spent some time in Port Angeles, and even in Seattle and Tacoma, but without specifics the areas were too broad to try and track her down.

Calling Bella's cell phone did little to help. She had left it in Carlisle's car before going into the church for the funeral. We even thought about contacting the police to report the car missing, but we didn't because we didn't want Bella getting in trouble in case she had anything on her that she shouldn't. I kept my focus on Alice's thoughts as she kept trying to search out more clues for where Bella was.

For a brief moment Alice's glimpses of Bella got hazy, which worried us all, but once they came back into focus I knew exactly where Bella was going, and I knew it needed to be me who went to get her. It was hard for me, dealing with the distance between us these past few months, especially now when she was hurting so much and all I wanted to do was protect her and make everything okay again.

She had promised she wouldn't shut me out, and even though she had…I understood. She was dealing with a lot and I was keeping my promise this time. I would wait until she was ready to come to me. I kept up to date with how she was doing…creeping into everyone else's thoughts on occasion, and I was so proud of the progress she made. She may not notice it, but I see how strong she had become, and to think that Sue could have shattered all of it with just a few hateful words angered me to no end. That's why I knew it needed to be me who got to her this time. She needed to hear everything I've wanted to say, she needed to know that I believed in her, and would always be there for her…that I still loved her, that she wasn't alone, and that none of this was her fault.

All I manage to say to everyone before running out the door is "I know where she's going…I'll be back when I'm bringing her home."

***BPOV***

I feel like I've become split into two beings, both fighting for dominance. One part of me wanting to be able to resist the drugs in my hand…wanting to be able to just accept the pain and the guilt and learn how to work through it. The other part of me feels like it's dying from the pain, desperate for anything that will make it stop…willing me to stick the needle in my arm and inject its contents into my system.

Tossing the drugs and the needle aside I scream out in frustration at the situation I find myself in. The screaming helps and before I know it the dam breaks and everything that has been building up in me comes pouring out in shouts and screams with no one but the trees to hear me.

"Why is this so unfair? I never asked for this…any of it. I want my father back goddammit! He was supposed to still be here for me, we were supposed to fix everything. He wasn't supposed to die because of me! I can't deal with all this hurt and pain anymore."

I turn and glare at the drugs laying on the ground and start yelling at them as if they were a sentient being.

"I'm not supposed to need you. I'm supposed to be able to handle this on my own. Why can't I just get away from your grip on me…just let me go, let me be a normal person for once. Let me be a person who can deal with problems like everyone else."

I start lashing out at everything in my path, kicking rocks and broken tree branches that are strewn across the ground as I scream. The rain doesn't help and in the course of my attempted destruction of anything I come across bits of grass, leaves, and a good deal of mud go flying, much of it landing on me in the process. I see a rock that is about the size of a grapefruit and pick it up in my hand, looking for any sort of target for me to throw it at, and choosing the stump of a tree on the other side of the meadow.

"I'm so damn tired of being alone!" I yell as I throw the rock, but I end up tripping over my own two feet. Bracing myself as I prepare to fall, I realize the ground and my face never meet. It's only then that I hear Edward's voice murmuring over and over again "You're not alone love, I promise you that you'll never be alone again" as he cradles me in his arms.

**A/N: That's right…Edward is back! What do we think about what Edward had to say about Bella's shutting him out? Thoughts on Bella's little tirade in the meadow, and what happens now that Edward's found her? Just how much of Bella's shouting did Edward manage to hear? Remember…if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up on Monday or Tuesday. **

**Now for the important reminder!**

**I've been nominated in 3 categories in The Sunflower Awards. I'm very excited to just be nominated along with all the other amazing authors and stories that were nominated as well. The Sharpest Lives was nominated in The Best Angst Story category and Best Bella Category, and my o/s A Walk In The Park has been nominated in The Best OneShot Category. Voting is now open. You can go to thesunflowerawards(.)blogspot(.)com/ to check out all the nominees and to vote. **

**Some Rec's for you:**

**Somewhere I Belong by swervin35**

**When Love and Reality Collide by Gelix**

**29 Dimensions by Catastrophia**


	36. Reconnecting

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I do own Photoshop Elements so I can make funny manips of Rob, like putting him in a pink miniskirt…its quite amusing. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: Edward's back! Now let's see if Bella lets him stay around. Huge hugs to my girls butterflybetty, reyes139, smadril, and Catasrophia. My days have become much more fun since I've gotten to know you all. Hugs, kisses and bewbie gropes to my twifey theonlykyla…you are far too good to me babe, love you! As usual, thanks to everyone for reading, reviewing, and rec'ing.**

**Chapter 36: Reconnecting**

**Song: We All Need Saving by Jon McLaughlin**

***EPOV***

As soon as I realize Bella was going to the meadow, I bolt. I really should have thought about the possibility of her going there sooner but with everyone being rattled by her running off, all the thoughts flying through my head that weren't mine made it more than a little difficult to think for myself. As I run out of the house I pause for a half a second, thinking I should take my car but then change my mind, knowing I could reach the meadow faster by running. I just have to hope that I will get there fast enough to keep Bella from doing anything she'll regret later.

Running faster than I ever have before, I keep pushing myself to go faster, and try to tamp down the worry and panic that is creeping up inside me because I don't know what I should expect to find once I get to the meadow, my biggest fear being that it will be a repeat of how I found her at Christmas.

As I make my way through the trees and get closer to the meadow I can hear Bella. She's crying and yelling, and I'm caught off guard because she was alone in Alice's vision. I slow myself down and stand just beyond her sight, watching her as she seemingly talks to herself…

"Why is this so unfair? I never asked for this…any of it. I want my father back goddammit! He was supposed to still be here for me, we were supposed to fix everything. He wasn't supposed to die because of me! I can't deal with all this hurt and pain anymore."

I'm desperate to go to her and comfort her, but she's finally getting her feelings out there and I'm afraid my approach will just make her shut down, so I continue to listen and watch…

"I'm not supposed to need you. I'm supposed to be able to handle this on my own. Why can't I just get away from your grip on me…just let me go, let me be a normal person for once. Let me be a person who can deal with problems like everyone else."

As she yells, I look to where she's yelling and I can see the drugs and the syringe on the ground. I'm both scared and relieved at the same time. I'm scared, knowing that she has the drugs on her, but I can tell that she hasn't used…_yet_…her blood still smells clean, which is why I'm relieved. The fact that she hasn't used them just confirms what I already know – that she is so much stronger than before.

Bella's emotions finally get the best of her and for the first time, I see true rage displayed on her face as she attempts to destroy the meadow, kicking and throwing everything in her path. I hear her scream out "I'm so damn tired of being alone!" as she tries to throw a large rock. She trips and seeing that she's going to fall, I can no longer stay on the sidelines…I have to run to her, catch her, save her from herself.

Soaked, both from the rain and the tears running down her face, Bella collapses in my arms. As I cradle her small frame in my arms, I rock her and hold her close to me as I try to calm her…the only thing I can think to say is "You're not alone love, I promise you that you'll never be alone again."

I can tell the exact moment Bella realizes that it is me who is holding her – she tenses a bit in my arm, but doesn't try to shy away from me. I continue to hold her and rock her in my arms despite the rain and the fact that she's covered in mud, grass and leaves from her outburst and attack upon the meadow…none of it matters right now. My priority is trying to get Bella to calm down and I doubt she wants everyone else seeing her like this right now, so I make no move to leave where we are.

I'm not sure how we stay that way, but eventually Bella's crying subsides to a sniffle and she starts talking.

"I'm so tired Edward. I've made so many mistakes and such a mess of my life. I can't do it anymore, this hurt, this regret…it's eating me up inside and I don't know how to make it stop. I just want to give up, I can't keep trying anymore. I'm so sick and tired of having to lean on everyone else, of having everyone else worrying about me and if I'm going to slip up again. I'm twenty three years old, I should be able to take care of myself without needing help to make it through the day." Bella looks so broken as she speaks, her voice hoarse from yelling as she does everything she can to avoid eye contact with me.

Seeing Bella like this, so fragile and afraid to just try and make a life for herself breaks me. For so long I wanted to tell her so many things and take care of her, and for so long I've made the mistake of sitting by and keeping my mouth shut, that I can't stay quiet any longer, and before I even realize it, I'm pouring my heart out to her, trying to make her see that everything is going to be okay…trying to tell her just how much I still care.

"Bella, you are so much stronger than you realize. You have got to move on from your past, let it go. The way you are right now...so ready to give up…this isn't the Bella that I know. The fear and self-doubt that you have Bella, it isn't real. It's just all that you're allowing yourself to feel, but that's okay love. You will get past this, it's not permanent Bella. That's the way feelings go…but it's up to you to make the decision about how you handle them. You have all the power, you just need to realize that. "

Bella shakes her head at me, her doubting of my words clearly written on her face.

"You're wrong Edward, I'm weak. I don't have power or strength. All I have is the ability to make my life miserable, and a world of pain and regret to live it in. I mean seriously Edward; I haven't really caught a break in the past five years. Why should I think anything is going to change?"

Hating that she doubts herself so much, I lift her chin so that she is looking me in the eye. I want her to understand the sincerity of what I'm saying. She needs to know that I mean it and not just feeding her some pretty sayings to make her feel better.

"I know you've had it rough Bella, and a lot of that is because of me and I intend on trying to earn your forgiveness for that. But you need to realize that right now is just a passing storm. The clouds will lift one day Bella, and things will get better and you will be happy again. You need to stop telling yourself you can't lean on someone else Bella. We all need saving sometimes."

Finally, as Bella processes what I'm saying, I can see that she's starting to believe me, even though she still has some doubts.

"It just feels like it's all too much sometimes Edward. And it's not fair. Why does it have to be so hard for me." Bella's words become muffled as she leans her head against my chest. The physical contact feels wonderful, I feel as though that piece of me that has been missing has finally been put back into place, and I can't help but pull her closer to me."

"Bella, I know it's been beyond hard for you, but I don't know why it has to be this way and  
I don't know the cure to make it all magically better. But please believe that we have all felt this before and I for one won't let you go through this alone. "

As soon as I mention my being there to help Bella, she tenses again. My nerves skyrocket again, afraid that she's going to shut me out again, something I don't know if I will be able to handle.

"Let me help you Bella. Please, don't shut me out again." I know I'm pleading with her, but I don't care. She's so broken and after everything I've heard her say, I can't bring myself to stay away any longer. As I look at her, waiting for a response, I start to worry…what if she says no?

"Okay" she whispers as she pulls herself even closer to me. It feels so good having her in my arms again, having her close, knowing she's not pushing me away this time. "I just have one question Bella" I whisper and I raise her face so she's looking at me. "I love you Bella, I've never stopped…I just need to know where we stand, if we even have a chance…" Before Bella even gets the words out, the look in her eyes tells me everything I need to know.

Bella's eyes – which have seemed so hard, and cold and vacant from everything she's been through – soften, offering me a glimpse of the Bella from five years ago. She brings her hand to my face and as she caresses my cheek I lean into her, loving that the all too familiar spark can still be felt between us, and when she speaks, for the first time in a long time I hear a gentleness in her voice.

"Oh Edward, I never stopped loving you, even though I tried to convince myself I did. There's a lot of hurt between us, hurt that we're both guilty of causing, but I'd like to take things slow. Maybe work on getting a friendship back and let things progress naturally. I hope that's enough for you Edward, because I can't offer much more than that right now."

As soon as the words are out of Bella's mouth I feel like I can finally breathe again. I had felt so dead inside for so long without her, that knowing that there is at least a chance makes me feel like I'm flying, and I can't help the giant grin that spreads across my face, and as Bella sees my smile, her face begins to mirror mine, a smile forming across her lips. I feel Bella shiver against me, and it reminds me that she is still covered in dirt and soaking wet.

"Why don't we get you out of this rain?"

Bella nods in agreement, and just like we used to, I move her to my back and take off running back to where she left the car. Once there, I gently place her into the passenger seat and help her buckle her seatbelt before moving to the driver's side and making our way back home.

Along the way, the toll of the day catches up with Bella and she drifts off to sleep. Once back at the house, I gently carry her into the house where everyone is waiting. As soon as they the way we both look, I can hear their worried thoughts flying around again.

"What the hell happened to her?" hisses Emmett.

Smiling and I make my way past my family so I can get Bella to her room, I stop for a moment, turn to look at them and say "Progress."

**A/N: Yay! Bella didn't use and didn't totally freak on Edward What do we think about what Edward had to say to Bella? Thoughts on Bella's response to Edward's question at the end? Remember…if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up on Saturday or Sunday. **

**Now for the important reminder!**

**I've been nominated in 3 categories in The Sunflower Awards. I'm very excited to just be nominated along with all the other amazing authors and stories that were nominated as well. The Sharpest Lives was nominated in The Best Angst Story category and Best Bella Category, and my o/s A Walk In The Park has been nominated in The Best OneShot Category. Voting is now open. You can go to thesunflowerawards(.)blogspot(.)com/ to check out all the nominees and to vote. **

**Some Rec's for you:**

**Diamond in the Rough by lmlx8**


	37. Opening Up

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I do have an addiction to gummy worms…I might need to seek help for it. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: So FF has been acting stupid again lately. I tried my best to reply via PM to everyone's reviews, but I wasn't able to get to everyone, so if you didn't receive a reply from me I apologize. I promise to get back to responding to everyone once review replies are back to normal. Special thanks to Massy for being awesome with music and helping me figure out a song that works for this chapter. Kyla…you're amazing…I love you babe! As usual, thanks to everyone for reading, reviewing, and rec'ing.**

**Chapter 37: Opening Up**

**Song: Everything by Lifehouse**

***BPOV***

We all headed back home a few days after Charlie's funeral. There wasn't much left for me back in Forks so I didn't see any reason to stay around. Forks wasn't my home anymore, it hadn't been in a long time. The only people who even attempted to be civil towards me were Jake and his wife, Billy, Seth Clearwater, and Ben and Angela. Now that I'm back home with the Cullens, I felt less on edge.

I still feel the hurt and the pain from losing Charlie each day, but it was getting better. Edward helped me with that. He was the one who talked me down that day in the meadow, who convinced me that Sue was wrong about what she said. It was nice having Edward back in my life, I needed him more than I realized, and as he helped try to piece me back together day by day I knew that as much as I had trouble trusting him fully right now, I wouldn't ever be able to let him go again.

Getting used to being around Edward again was awkward to say the least. Both of us wanted to work on things, but it seemed like neither of us knew where to start. He wanted to help me put the pieces of my broken life back together and all I wanted was answers; an explanation for why he left, why he took so long to come back, why he never tried to find me. We both seemed to tip toe around the issues and while we had made some progress in learning to trust each other, I needed more.

I knew he had his own issues behind everything that he was trying to work through. He blamed himself for everything, no matter how many times I tried to remind him I held part of the responsibility too. We were both trying to be patient with each other, but I could tell it was wearing thin…for both of us. Something had to give soon.

Sighing, I shake my head to clear all the thoughts from my head as I unpack another box. Once we had all gotten back from Forks, I decided it was time to stop avoiding everything, Edward especially, and moved out of the apartment with Alice and Jasper and into the house with the rest of the Cullens. I had a feeling Alice and Jasper would be moving in soon too considering how much of their time they had been spending here.

It was times like this when I was alone that I found myself getting lost in my thoughts about everything, which only made me more frustrated at myself and Edward for playing the avoidance game. I was tired of him handling me like a glass figurine with the potential to break from the slightest disturbance. Huffing as I place my books on my shelf I decide that I was tired of avoiding the giant elephant in the room. Once Edward got home from hunting I was going to tell him it was time to start really talking about everything.

I must have gotten lost in my thoughts again because I didn't hear the door open. Its only once I hear someone walking into the room, I turn and see Edward standing near the doorway as he asks me "Bella, can we talk?" I nod, and start to wonder if Edward can't read my mind after all as I take a seat on the bed and wait for Edward to join me, hoping that we'll finally start sorting things out.

***EPOV***

Standing outside Bella's room, I hesitate about walking in there. I know we need to talk, we've been avoiding it for a while, but I can tell that we're both at the point where we just might snap if we don't just get it over with. I try to calm my nerves and then walk into her room. Bella's back is to me, but she turns to face me as I walk into the room. Stopping by the doorway I ask "Bella, can we talk?"

I follow Bella's lead and sit on the bed with her. Silence falls over us, Bella waiting for me to say something, and me…well I just don't know what to say.

"Um…you wanted to talk Edward?" Bella asks after a while.

"Oh, uh..yeah. I um, well, I know we've both been kind of avoiding things, and I know you have questions that you want answers to. I figured I could maybe just explain my side of things and then if you still had questions that I could answer them." I've never been more nervous in my life as I stumble my way through my words. I guess I'm just scared. I know what we talk about today could really make or break any chance the Bella and I have.

Bella looks a little caught off guard by what I say, but nods. I take it as her signal for me to start talking. I make a final wish that this all goes well and then begin explaining everything.

"I never stopped loving you Bella. Everything I said to you that day in the woods about me not loving you or you not being good enough for me…it was a lie. The night of your birthday party, when Jasper tried to attack you, it scared me. I was more scared than I ever thought possible. I was so selfish; all I ever wanted was to keep you with me for as long as you would have me, but that night made me realize just how much danger I was putting you in. It made me realize that I wasn't worthy of you. I knew I had to let you go…as much as I loved you and as much as it would hurt me, I needed to let you have a chance at leading a normal, happy life away from the dangers of my world.

You see Bella, as much as it hurt for me to let you go, it would have hurt me infinitely more to see you get hurt or worse because of me. I never once thought that leaving you would have led to where we are now. If I had known then what would have happened, I never would have left you. I tried so hard after leaving to convince myself that I had made the right decision, despite how many times Alice and Emmett and everyone told me I was making a mistake.

I convinced them to leave with me. I told them that a clean break would be the best thing, the easiest for you. The truth was it was easier for me. I knew if we didn't all leave I wouldn't be able to stay away knowing that they would still be around, and it was counterproductive to my attempt to keep you safe from the hazards that living in my world posed.

Once we left Forks I was miserable. I stopped functioning, Carlisle had to force me to hunt, I stopped playing my piano. I retreated into myself. The only thing I would confide in was my journals. Every day was a struggle for me to not just run back to Forks and beg for you to take me back. Finally it was too much…I couldn't stay away any more. We came back seven months after we left and it was like the words I said to you in the woods came back to haunt me. It was like you had never existed.

Charlie had no clue where you were, neither did Jake or anyone in town. All people knew was that you had run off and disappeared and that Charlie hadn't heard from you since. We used our own contacts and private detectives to try to find you, but we never really got any solid leads. We moved around a lot, never staying anywhere for long. When we did move it was to areas near where the private detectives said you might have been. Everything we did was to try to find you.

Once I found out that Alice and Jasper had found you, I finally felt as though a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Then I found out what had happened with you since we left and I knew it was all my fault. The guilt was suffocating me, and every time I tried to talk to you something seemed to get in the way, or my anger at myself would just consume me and I would lash out at anyone who crossed my path, including you sometimes.

I am so sorry for the way I spoke to and about you. You deserved so much better than that Bella, especially from me. I understand that I've hurt you and that you're angry at me, and I understand that it will take time for you to trust me again. I know I don't deserve it now, but I hope one day you will be able to forgive me, or at least understand why I did what I did when I left you. Bella I just need you to know that I loved you back then and I still love you now. I never stopped…I never will."

By the time I finally finish explaining everything, Bella has gone through half a box of tissues. She was more than generous in just letting me speak and get everything off my chest. I'm sure she has questions and I'm almost afraid of what her reaction to everything might be, afraid to hear what she has to say to me now.

***BPOV***

I can't lie and say that I wasn't upset by everything Edward had to say, but I can't say I don't understand what or why he made the decisions he did either. I still had questions, but they could wait for now. Edward pretty much already knew my side of the story between witnessing it, talking to me, or from hearing it in everyone else's minds so it was nice to feel like we were on an even footing now.

Looking up at Edward I can see his nervousness on his face and it makes me realize I haven't said anything to him yet.

"Edward" I whisper. "Thank you for being so open with me. I do have some questions, but for now I think I need to just try to process and deal with everything you've just said. I do still care for you Edward, very much… you're all I want Edward. You're all I need, you're everything to me and always have been, but as you said, I need to be able to trust you again and that's going to take time. In time, I hope we can get back to where we used to be, but we're not there yet. For now, I'm happy where we are…as friends. That doesn't mean this is all that we can be, it just means that it's all I'm ready for right now. I…I hope you can understand that Edward."

Edward nods his head before sweeping into a hug. I tense slightly, afraid he might expect more, but he never moves beyond holding me in his arms.

"Of course I understand" he tells me. "Bella, the ball is in your court here. You make the decisions here, not me. I'm following your lead, so whatever you need from me, that's what I'll give you. I'll happily wait for you as long as it takes. I'm not going anywhere ever again."

Hearing him say he understands, that he's letting me take control is everything I need to hear in this moment and I can't help but pull him into a hug of my own. As I wrap my arms around Edward, I can't help but think that maybe there is a chance for us after all.

**A/N: So they've finally talked! What do you think about what Edward had to say? What about Bella's reaction? Remember…if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up on Sunday or Monday. **

**Now for the important reminder!**

**I've been nominated in 3 categories in The Sunflower Awards. I'm very excited to just be nominated along with all the other amazing authors and stories that were nominated as well. The Sharpest Lives was nominated in The Best Angst Story category and Best Bella Category, and my o/s A Walk In The Park has been nominated in The Best OneShot Category. Voting is now open. You can go to thesunflowerawards(.)blogspot(.)com/ to check out all the nominees and to vote. **

**I've also been nominated in the Avant Garde Awards. This story has been nominated for Best Makes Me Cry/Saddest FanFiction and I have been nominated for Best Novice Author. Nominations are still open and the first round of voting begins May 22. You can go check out all the nominees, nominate stories, and vote (once it begins) by going to: www(dot)avantgardeawards(dot)com**

**Some Recs for You:**

**Life Had Other Plans by JennaRay**

**Sing Me To Sleep by butterflybetty**


	38. Frozen in Time

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I do have a half empty bottle of Mountain Dew though…I blame Kyla…it's all her fault for making me want to drink the damn stuff. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: So FF has been acting stupid again lately. I tried my best to reply via PM to everyone's reviews, but I wasn't able to get to everyone, so if you didn't receive a reply from me I apologize. I promise to get back to responding to everyone once review replies are back to normal. Massy…I hope you like the choice of song for the chapter. Kyla…I can't say enough how amazing I think you are, love ya babe! Butterfly Betty…dolphins are not gay sharks, no matter what GLEE says. I shall find a way to prove this in Dallas. As always, thank you to everyone for reading, rec'ing, and reviewing.**

**Chapter 38: Frozen in Time**

**Song: You Belong To Me by Jason Wade (Lifehouse)**

***EPOV***

Placing a sleeping Bella into her bed and tucking her in, I let out a soft sigh, nervous about what tomorrow has in store, and what it could potentially mean for the two of us. Unable to help myself, I sit on the edge of the bed, watching her sleep – the one time she ever truly seems to be at peace, as I think about where we started out at in all of this and realize just how far we've already come…

After our first conversation about everything, it seemed like things between Bella and I only got better. We started talking more openly and honestly, and bit by bit it seemed like the weights that were resting on our shoulders were being lifted. That's not to say we didn't have our moments where we broke down and had it out, but we always made sure to talk things out afterwards.

We had finally found our way back on track and I think we communicated with each other now better than we had ever before. I know Bella cares for me, and I've never stopped loving her, but she's yet to really say the words back to me, or to move us beyond where we are now. I meant what I said to Bella when I said I would always wait for her, but I can't help but wish we could try being more than friends. I guess that's why I'm actually taking my brothers advice for once. It's time for me to lay it out on the line and let Bella make the decision herself. I just hope what I have planned doesn't backfire.

Bella has been back living with us now for almost three months. Three months of having her back in my life, and regardless of the struggles I have loved every minute of it…except for how easily I can see that Bella still refuses to let herself completely trust me. All I want is for us to be able to move forward, but I have no clue how. She knows how I feel. I've made it known several times, but every time Bella looked like a skittish horse ready to bolt at any second, so I stopped bringing it up. It hurt to see Bella so cautious with me, we once felt as though our home could be found in the other, but somewhere along the way we both lost our way, and while I may have found my way back, Bella was clearly still struggling to find her own way home to me.

Talking to Jasper and Emmett about this situation was one of the hardest things I've had to do, but I was surprised by how understanding they both were, even if I could still sense their overprotectiveness of Bella peeking through their thoughts. Emmett especially surprised me. I fully expected him to be his usual joking self, goading me about moving things along so that I could "get some" as he would so crudely put it more often than not, but the first thing he suggested to me was to just bide my time and wait for Bella to come to me when she was ready to move forward.

Jasper on the other hand, pushed me to approach Bella again, reminding me that Bella's coping mechanism has always been to avoid the issues until she no longer had a choice. He suggested some sort of grand gesture…to lay my heart out on the line and tell Bella how I feel, that I thought we were ready to move forward, but that ultimately it was her decision. After talking it over with Jasper, Emmett even agreed that as long as I left the choice to Bella, maybe all I needed was to do something for her to show how I felt, to prove how committed I was.

I spent a few days planning everything out with Jasper and Emmett, and Alice couldn't keep out of it considering her love for event planning. Everyone knew what I was planning and graciously offered the house to me and Bella for the evening so that I could have the privacy I needed to put everything out there. I'm sure Bella knew something was going on since we usually spent much of our days together and lately much of my time was spent with the boys, but she never once questioned me about it. Now all I could do is keep my fingers crossed and hope that everything went according to plan and that Bella gave me the answer I'm hoping for.

Hearing Bella mumble my name in her sleep, I tear myself away from my thoughts, unable to stop the smile that crosses my face. Recently she's been saying my name more and more in her sleep and I'd be lying if I said it didn't give me hope or make me happy to hear it. Staring at the sleeping beauty before me, I tuck an errant strand of Bella's hair behind her ear and place a kiss upon her forehead. Before pulling away from her I can't help but whisper to her…

"I feel so alone without you Bella. Do you feel the same way love? I know you're still struggling to find your way back home, and I'll always be right here waiting for you. Just remember till you're home again, you belong to me, just as I will always belong to you."

Noticing Bella stirring a bit in her sleep, I stand up and head out of her room not wanting to disturb her, my thoughts focused on tomorrow and how I planned to try to win my Bella back once again.

**A/N: So before you all say anything, this chapter was always meant to be relatively short…it's just a transitional piece to help us move our characters forward and move time ahead as it is now just after mid-June in the story. Not much was revealed here, but what are you guys thinking Edward might have planned? Thoughts on what Jasper or Emmett had to say on the matter? Remember…if you review, I'll send you a teaser. This time there will be two teasers sent to those who review. One teaser will be from the next chapter which should be up around Friday or Saturday, and the other from the outtake from this story that I will be donating for Fandom for Sexual Assault Awareness. To find out how you can get this outtake, please go to fandom4ssa(dot)wordpress(dot)com**

**Also, the compilation for the Fandom4Tsunami event was sent out on May 20. Thanks to any of you who donated, you all helped to raise over $50,000 for the victims of the tsunami. My outtake Far From Home was a part of the compilation, and I'd love to hear what you thought of it if you've read it. **

**Now for the important reminders!**

**I've been nominated in 3 categories in The Sunflower Awards. I'm very excited to just be nominated along with all the other amazing authors and stories that were nominated as well. The Sharpest Lives was nominated in The Best Angst Story category and Best Bella Category, and my o/s A Walk In The Park has been nominated in The Best OneShot Category. Voting is now open. You can go to thesunflowerawards(.)blogspot(.)com/ to check out all the nominees and to vote. **

**I've also been nominated in the Avant Garde Awards. This story has been nominated for Best Makes Me Cry/Saddest FanFiction and I have been nominated for Best Novice Author. Nominations are still open and the first round of voting has begun. You can vote by going to: www(dot)avantgardeawards(dot)com**

**My Rec for You:**

**Just….More by theonlykyla**


	39. Three Little Words

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. Nor do I have a bottle of Mountain Dew…I finished while writing the last chapter and now I has a sad since I want more and don't have any…I blame Kyla…it's all her fault for making me want to drink the damn stuff. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: So FF has been acting stupid again lately. I tried my best to reply via PM to everyone's reviews, but I wasn't able to get to everyone, so if you didn't receive a reply from me I apologize. I promise to get back to responding to everyone once review replies are back to normal. As always, thank you to everyone for reading, rec'ing, and reviewing. There are pictures from this chapter up on the blog (link can be found on my profile).**

**Chapter 39: Three Little Words**

**Song: Fall For You by Secondhand Serenade**

***BPOV***

All I wanted to do today was relax at home. Edward was going out hunting with Jasper, Emmett, and Carlisle while the girls all went shopping. I wanted to try and enjoy the day at home alone and try to just relax and read a book. Apparently Alice had different ideas, and Rose and Esme seemed to agree with what Alice had planned. Now, about 6 hours after I had first left the house, I am finally back home, having received a head to toe make over courtesy of the Cullen women.

I can't really complain about my overall look, my dress wasn't too revealing, my makeup light and natural looking. I almost felt as though I looked like the girl I used to be back in Forks. The girls all decided to meet up with the guys since they were still out hunting, so I went into the house planning on making a quick dinner for myself and curling up with a book in the study.

I open the front door and am caught off guard by scene in front of me. The entire house is dark, lit only by the soft glow of the hundreds of candles that have been placed on almost every flat surface. Rose petals create a trail leading into the living room, and I can hear the faint music of a piano being played, the song a familiar one…the lullaby that Edward had written for me and played for me all those years ago.

Walking into the living room, I see Edward looking handsome as ever in a suit, playing the piano. My breath catches as I see him playing, he's never looked more beautiful and it's the first time I've heard him play since I've been living in the house. As far as I know, it's the first time he's played since he stopped after leaving me. My heart is yearning to go to him, to take him in my arms and tell him that I want nothing more than to be with him. My head though is far less trusting, afraid of being hurt again, unsure of just how much Edward meant it when he said he would never leave me again. I know I wouldn't be able to handle that kind of heartbreak again, and I need to remind myself that until I'm one hundred percent sure of Edward I need to keep some distance and take things slow.

Looking up, Edward stops playing and walks over to me, handing me a bouquet of flowers.

"Bella, you look even more beautiful tonight than you usually do" he tells me. I can't help the blush that creeps up my face at his words.

"Thank you Edward. The flowers are lovely" is all I can seem to get my brain to think of for a reply.

"They're jonquils and heliotrope. I thought they would be fitting for the occasion."

"Occasion? What occasion would that be Edward?" I ask as I make a mental not to look up the meaning of jonquils and heliotrope later on.

As soon as I ask the question, I see Edward's normal self-assurance and confidence falter a little, as a flash of nervousness crosses his face.

"Bella, I…I wanted to play a song for you tonight, and talk to you about something important to me."

Taking my hand, Edward leads me to the piano bench and has me sit next to him.

"I um…" Edward starts. "I just have so much that I want to tell you Bella, and I always feel like I'm stumbling around trying to find the right words to say. I hope this song helps you understand everything I'm trying to say."

I nod my head nervously, unsure of where Edward is trying to go with all of this, and uncertain that I really want to even know anyway.

Seeing me nod my head, Edward releases my hand and begins playing the piano and singing to me as well…

_The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting_

_Could it be that we have been this way before_

_I know you don't think that I am trying_

_I know you're wearing thin down to the core_

_But hold your breath_

_Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you_

_Over again_

_Don't make me change my mind_

_Or I won't live to see another day_

_I swear it's true_

_Because a girl like you is impossible to find_

_You're impossible to find_

_This is not what I intended_

_I always swore to you I'd never fall apart_

_You always thought that I was stronger_

_I may have failed_

_But I have loved you from the start_

_Oh_

_But hold your breath_

_Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you_

_Over again_

_Don't make me change my mind_

_Or I won't live to see another day_

_I swear it's true_

_Because a girl like you is impossible to find_

_It's impossible_

_So breathe in so deep_

_Breathe me in_

_I'm yours to keep_

_And hold onto your words_

_Cause talk is cheap_

_And remember me tonight_

_When you're asleep_

_Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you_

_Over again_

_Don't make me change my mind_

_Or I won't live to see another day_

_I swear it's true_

_Because a girl like you is impossible to find_

_Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you_

_Over again_

_Don't make me change my mind_

_Or I won't live to see another day_

_I swear it's true_

_Because a girl like you is impossible to find_

_You're impossible to find_

Edward finishes the song, the final notes of the piano still hanging in the air, and I feel like my heart is ready to beat its way out of my chest. The enormity of what Edward is trying to say through that song hangs over me, and I am not sure how I'm supposed to respond to this.

"Bella" my name no more than a whisper as it falls from Edward's lips. "I understand that things between us can never be what they used to be, and I understand that you need time to be able to trust me again. Please believe me when I say I'm never leaving you again unless you order me away. I lost you once; I won't allow myself to lose you again. You're too important to me, you're everything to me."

Warning bells are going off in my head, telling me that it's not safe to trust him again, that I'll just get hurt like last time, and this time I won't recover from it. My heart though, is soaring, pounding in my chest as Edward says everything it longs to hear. I feel like Jekyll and Hyde…two parts of me each warring for dominance and yet I still feel like in the end I will end up a casualty of the fight.

"We've made progress these past few months Bella. We've talked so much about everything, we're communicating better than we ever did before and we've learned how to handle our problems so much better now. I feel almost like we're at a standstill though when we should be trying to move forward. Be with me Bella, take a chance with me and let's see where this leads. I know we'll never be the couple we were back in Forks, but I think we still have a shot at happiness together, and I don't want to let it pass us by."

Plunging his hand into his jacket pocket, Edward pulls out a small jewelry box, its color the telltale Tiffany's robin's egg blue. Most girls would be head over heels to be receiving a gift like this but all I can think to do is pray that the box doesn't have a ring. I know I'm not ready for a ring. Trying to get my breathing under control so I don't pass out I inhale and exhale deeply as Edward opens the box. All I can think when I see what's in it is _thank God it's not a ring._

"You've always been the only one I've ever loved Bella, the only one to ever own my heart. I thought it fitting that you should have the key to it since it will never belong to another. The decision here is yours Bella. You choose where we go from here. I'll understand and accept whatever decision you make, but I do hope you say yes Bella, I love you." His last words are said so softly, almost reverently as he holds the necklace out to me, waiting for my next move.

The necklace is beautiful, and clearly expensive if I know Edward half as well as I think I do. The key pendant is platinum with a detailed heart on one end, the entire thing covered in diamonds. I don't even want to imagine how much this probably cost him. My hands are shaking in my lap, as I struggle to figure out what to do. Edward has such a hopeful look on his face, and yet I can't manage to bring myself to reach out and take the gift he's offering.

His whispered words hang in the air between us, everything he's tried to say tonight wrapped up in a neat little package and summed up by those three words. Three words which are playing over and over on repeat in my head despite my desperate need to silence them. How could he do this to me now? Everything between us was going good, our friendship was back on track, but I'm not sure I'm ready for this yet. I feel so torn in this moment, unsure if I should follow my heart or my head.

My feet decide for me and I turn and run…run away from the one thing I was once so sure of and yet so afraid of now. I force myself to avoid Edward's eyes, not wanting to see the heartbreak that I know I will surely see there because of what I'm about to say. The only response I can offer as I leave is a murmured "I'm sorry Edward…I…I just can't"

**A/N: I hope you enjoyed the early posting of this chapter. I felt bad for leaving you with such a short one last update and wanted to get this one out to you as well. So before anyone asks, I'll fill you in on the meaning behind the flowers…Heliotropes represent faithfulness and devotion, and Jonquils represent a desire for a return of affection. Thoughts on what Edward did for Bella? Opinions on Bella's reaction? Remember…if you review, I'll send you a teaser from the next chapter which should be up around Saturday or Sunday. Pictures of the necklace, the flowers, and Bella and Edward's outfits are up on the blog.**

**Also, the compilation for the Fandom4Tsunami event was sent out on May 20. Thanks to any of you who donated, you all helped raise over $50,000 for the victims of the tsunami. My outtake Far From Home was a part of the compilation, and I'd love to hear what you thought of it if you've read it. **

**Now for the important reminders!**

**I've been nominated in 3 categories in The Sunflower Awards. I'm very excited to just be nominated along with all the other amazing authors and stories that were nominated as well. The Sharpest Lives was nominated in The Best Angst Story category and Best Bella Category, and my o/s A Walk In The Park has been nominated in The Best OneShot Category. Voting is now open. You can go to thesunflowerawards(.)blogspot(.)com/ to check out all the nominees and to vote. **

**I've also been nominated in the Avant Garde Awards. This story has been nominated for Best Makes Me Cry/Saddest FanFiction and I have been nominated for Best Novice Author. The first round of voting has begun. You can vote by going to: www(dot)avantgardeawards(dot)com**


	40. Take A Chance

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: So last chapter was an early update. This chapter is as well. We are beginning to draw close to the end of this journey with Bella and Edward and they keep yammering on in my head to get their story out…so updates may be coming more frequently from here on out, but I make no promises. As always, thank you to everyone for reading, rec'ing, and reviewing. **

**Chapter 40: Take A Chance**

**Song: Tell Him by Celine Dion & Barbara Streisand**

***BPOV***

As soon as I'm out of the house, I run towards the garage and grab the keys to Carlisle's Mercedes. Once inside the car, I pull out my cell phone and call Alice, who answers on the second ring.

"Bella?" she asks.

Unable to keep back the tears, I blubber through an explanation of what happened. "Alice..Edward…song and piano…he gave…key, and and he…with me…I just can't…left."

I guess Alice understands that my evening hasn't gone well, and tells me to head over to the apartment and that she, Rose and Esme will be waiting for me when I get there.

I toss my phone on the passenger seat and drive over to the apartment. Alice and Jasper had for all intents and purposes moved back into the house shortly after I did, but they kept the apartment for times when they wanted to be on their own. I didn't want to think too hard about why they would want to be on their own, and I don't think anyone else did either, which is why no one ever questioned their keeping the apartment.

I get to the apartment building and park the car before heading inside. I don't even have time to knock on the door before Alice has it yanked open and pulls me inside. As soon as I see her face, I can tell how worried she's been. Looking at Esme and Rose I see similar looks of concern etched on their faces.

Sniffling as I clear my throat, I take a deep breath to try to steady myself and keep my emotions in check.

"I um…I'm sorry if my phone call made you worry. I just..Edward had this whole evening planned for when I got home." I mumble as I keep trying to stop the tears from falling, especially since I'm not even sure why I'm crying anymore. I don't know if it's because I feel stupid for reacting the way I did, or for making Esme, Rose, and Alice worry, or because I'm afraid that everything that happened between me and Edward tonight may have ruined all that the two of us had worked to rebuild.

Alice walks over towards the couch where Rose is sitting. I take the seat next to Esme as Alice tries to figure out just what exactly has me so upset.

"I don't understand Bella. What did Edward do to get you this upset?" Alice asks.

"He said loves me, he said he wants to be with me, he gave me a goddamn necklace from Tiffany's that probably worth more than everything I own." I reply, my speaking turning into shouting as I answer.

"And these are bad things?" questions Rose, clearly confused by my answer. "I thought you wanted to try to work things out with Edward, see if you could be a couple again."

Sighing, I sense my exasperation at the entire situation starting to spiral out of control. "I do Rose…it's just we've just gotten back on track, I can't do this with him now. It's not the right time."

"Well why not now? When is the right time?" asks Esme, a hint of demand in her voice.

I don't know if it's the way Esme asks or if it's just everything about this whole situation building up to the point where I can't take it anymore, but I snap.

"Because I'm afraid Esme! I'm afraid he's going to leave, I'm afraid of being hurt again. I love him more than I probably should and feel like I can't breathe without him, but while my heart tells me to trust him; my head is telling me the risk might be too great. I just…I want to know that things between Edward and I are back to one hundred percent before taking a leap of faith like this."

"Bella I get that you're scared and nervous" Rosalie tells me. "I've been there… with my heart out in my hand…but what you need to understand is that you need to let of the fear and take the risk. Don't let the chance to love him pass you by. You're afraid Bella, don't think that Edward doesn't know that. He'd never push you for more than you're ready to give, but if you think that you can wait until things are perfect between you and Edward then you are only fooling yourself. No relationship, friendship or otherwise is ever perfect no matter how they may appear on the outside."

I can't help but look at the floor as Rosalie talks. Out of everyone, I know she understands where I'm coming from, and I hate knowing that I've made such a big mistake and let my fear control me.

"I do want to be able to move forward with Edward" I try to explain. "I understand he's trying and he has proven to me that he's changed. I just…I'm still so afraid. I mean, I've changed too…what if after everything I'm not what he wants, what if who I am now isn't enough to make him happy? I've fought so hard to get where I am now, and if I lost him again…I don't think I'd survive that a second time. He's too important to me to risk the loss."

Moving next to me, Esme moves closer to me, pulling me into a hug, as if that simple act can calm all of the worries and fears I have.

"Sweetheart, if he's that important to you, then you need to think about where you want this to go. Edward's a good man Bella, and if he's told you he'd never leave again then I am sure he meant it, but there is never a one hundred percent guarantee. You're pushing him away without even realizing it. Even the best of men can only be pushed so far before they break."

Esme's right. I've completely let my fear take over and control me, and as a result I've started pushing Edward away without even realizing it. Just the thought of potentially pushing Edward away from me completely makes me feel like my heart has been shattered into a million pieces.

"You know Bella" Alice chimes in. "Those flowers he gave you…the jonquils and heliotropes…in case you wanted to know, they symbolize faithfulness, devotion, and a desire for a return of affection."

Now I feel like a complete jackass. Thinking about the flowers and their meaning, and the beautiful song, plus the meaning behind the key pendant…I realize just how ready I am to move forward with Edward and how stupidly I behaved by running away.

"I need to fix this" I whisper to no one in particular.

"You need to tell him Bella. Tell him how you feel, what you want. Reach out to him and let him in. No more running." Rose says to me.

I nod as I stand up and gather my coat and purse, desperate to get back to the house to try to fix the stupid mistake I made earlier. I guess the girls understand because as I turn to explain, they each just offer a smile and a nod in the direction of the door.

I rush out of the apartment building and into the car, breaking at least three traffic laws in my rush to get back home…back to Edward. As soon as I reach the house, I park the car in front, not bothering to return it to the garage in my rush. I storm through the front door and call out for Edward, but get no reply.

Searching the living room I see the flowers still lying on the piano, but all the candles have been extinguished and the rose petals which had been scattered along the floor have been swept up. Not seeing any sign of Edward I run up the stairs and burst into his room, desperate to tell him everything about why I ran and how I feel, but he isn't there either. It's then that I realize he's gone.

I feel as though the wind has been knocked out of me and I once again find myself with tears pouring down my face. Feeling utterly defeated, I manage to drag myself to my own room, eager to curl up on my bed and cry myself to sleep.

Walking into my room I strip off my clothes and shoes, and walk over to my bed, not caring about pajamas and planning on just sleeping in my underwear. As I reach my bed, I notice the familiar Tiffany's box with a note underneath it. Setting the box aside, I notice my name written across the top of the note in Edward's familiar, elegant scrawl…

_Bella,_

_I meant what I said when I told you that my heart will only ever belong to you. I can only hope that one day I will earn the right to hold the key to yours as well. I thought that perhaps after tonight you might need a few days to yourself. I've made arrangements to go on an extended hunting trip with Emmett and Jasper. Perhaps when I return you would be amenable to talking things over with me._

_Yours Always,_

_Edward_

As soon as I finish reading the note, I grab the box, rip it open, and place the necklace around my neck before crawling into bed. For now, it is the only tangible connection I have to Edward. Reaching over to my nightstand, I pick up the house phone and dial Alice's number again. This time however, when Alice answers I am not crying, but much more determined in what I want.

"Alice" I say as I hear her worried hello come through the phone. "I need your help…I have a plan."

**A/N: I hope you enjoyed the early posting of this chapter. I felt bad for leaving you with that cliffie last chapter. Thoughts on Bella's talk with the girls? Any ideas for what Bella's plan might be? Remember…if you review, I'll send you a teaser from the next chapter which should be up around Sunday or Monday. **

**Now for the important reminders!**

**I've been nominated in 3 categories in The Sunflower Awards. I'm very excited to just be nominated along with all the other amazing authors and stories that were nominated as well. The Sharpest Lives was nominated in The Best Angst Story category and Best Bella Category, and my o/s A Walk In The Park has been nominated in The Best OneShot Category. Voting is now open. You can go to thesunflowerawards(.)blogspot(.)com/ to check out all the nominees and to vote. **

**I've also been nominated in the Avant Garde Awards. This story has been nominated for Best Makes Me Cry/Saddest FanFiction and I have been nominated for Best Novice Author. The first round of voting has begun. You can vote by going to: www(dot)avantgardeawards(dot)com**


	41. Love, Loyalty, Friendship

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: Apologies for this chapter coming late, I got caught up in writing a Charlie POV outtake for this story. More information on how you will be able to get the outtake will be in my end A/N. Thanks to Massy for helping figure out my issues with the plan, and to Kyla for always making laugh, which I sorely needed to get into the right frame of mind to write this chapter. As always, thank you to everyone for reading, rec'ing, and reviewing. Pictures for this chapter are up on the blog. (link on my profile)**

**Chapter 41: Love, Loyalty, Friendship**

**Song: I Wanna Be With You by Mandy Moore**

***BPOV***

Edward had been gone for two days. These had been invariably the longest two days of my life. Alice had let me know that Edward and the boys were planning on returning today, and the significance of the date wasn't lost on me. June twentieth…Edward's birthday. All I could do was hope that I would be able to show Edward just how much he means to me and just how much I really wanted to move forward with him.

Alice had asked if I had wanted her to make sure I'd have the house to myself tonight with Edward and I immediately agreed. Either way this turned out, I didn't exactly want an audience. ..if things went well, I wanted us to just be able to enjoy the moment of us moving things forward, and if things went badly, I didn't want everyone overhearing it. I'm not quite sure how exactly Alice managed to get in touch with the boys and give them the heads up without Edward finding out, but she pulled it off and in about twenty minutes I would be the only person in the house until Edward got home while the rest of the guys headed over to the apartment.

Alice had been great in helping me get everything together, offering to make the trip to Charlie's house in Forks to get my dress and stopping by the store to pick up the gift I had ordered for Edward. When we were planning everything for tonight, the one thing I had trouble figuring out was what I was going to wear, only sure of the fact that I wanted to wear blue, knowing how much Edward loved me in that color. It was Alice who suggested my prom dress, and I couldn't think of a better idea once she suggested it. For me, the dress held so many good memories of me and Edward…memories from when we were both so happy together. It only seemed fitting to wear it tonight, when I was hoping to bring us back to that place once again.

Checking the clock, I notice the time, and head off to my room to get ready, putting on my dress before heading into the bathroom to do my hair. Wanting to keep it simple, I decide to leave my hair down, and just use my curling iron on it to create some waves and bounce so that it doesn't just hang and look boring. After my hair is done, I head back into my room and am sitting on the edge of my bed as I tie the laces on my Chucks as I hear Alice walk in, huffing once she sees the shoes I'm putting on. The two of us had argued for over an hour about my decision to wear sneakers instead of heels, but I refused to give in. I wore the Chucks the night of prom, and I wasn't about to change it up now.

After checking to see if I need anything, Alice leaves to head over to the apartment. Hearing the front door shut behind her, I realize I'm all alone in the house and my nerves about how tonight will go start to get the best of me. Taking a deep breath to calm myself down, I grab my gift for Edward and head over to his room to wait for him to come back home. I don't have to wait very long because not more than ten minutes later, I hear the front door shut followed by Edward's footsteps on the stairs.

***EPOV***

After my night that I had planned for Bella went bad, I needed to just get away. I couldn't bear to face her knowing that she said she couldn't love me, even if I could never stop loving her. Once Bella left that night, I called up Jasper and Emmett and they came to the house to help me stay calm. They helped me realize that Bella may just need some more time, to wait for her to make the next move. I felt bad just leaving without an explanation so I left Bella the necklace and a note explaining that I would be away for a few days, giving her time to deal with everything that happened, and giving me time to figure out how to figure out how I was going to handle living with the one woman who would always own my heart but felt like she couldn't trust me with hers in return.

The weekend away with Carlisle, Emmett, and Jasper helped keep me distracted from the reality that was waiting back at home. As we all headed home, the guys said they all had date nights planned and were going to meet up with the girls. The thought of them all out together hurt a bit, knowing they all had their mates and I was still alone. Walking into the house, I'm greeted by complete and utter silence. Unsure if Bella is even home or not, I make my way up to her room, hoping to see her and make sure that she's okay, but she's not in her room despite that fact that I can hear her heartbeat somewhere from inside the house. Figuring that she just wants to be left alone, I decide to just head to my own room and clean up from the weekend.

Walking in to my room, all thoughts of cleaning up go out the window when I see Bella standing there, dressed the way she was the day I took her to prom, and looking just as beautiful. I stop my movements and just stand in the doorway, staring at Bella who looks beyond nervous as she bites her lip and her fingers fiddle with her dress. I also can't help but notice that she's wearing the necklace that I bought for her.

"Hi Edward" she whispers, a small smile playing across her face as she says my name.

"Bella…what…you look beautiful."

Her familiar blush spreads across her face as she says "Thank you."

Without even realizing it, I've moved closer to her, and now Bella and I stand mere feet apart from each other, my arms dying to hold her, but my mind reminding me that I don't have the right to do that. We just stand and gaze at each other for a moment, and for a fleeting second I swear I could see the love I feel for Bella being reflected back at me before Bella clears her throat and snaps me out of my thoughts.

"Edward…I um, I'd like to apologize for how I reacted the other night. I shouldn't have run out on you like that. You deserved much better and I should have stayed and talked things over with you."

Bella's apology was the last thing I expected to hear tonight, and I find it hard to come up with a response as I try to find the right words to say.

"I understand Bella. I know I probably overwhelmed you that night. I never meant to." I explain to her.

"I have some things I need to say to you Edward, but if you just want to be alone, I'll understand."

As nervous as I am about what Bella has to say, curiosity gets the better of me and I nod my head, signaling her to continue talking.

"I try but I can't seem to get myself to think of anything but you Edward. All of the memories between us…the good and the bad, you are always on my mind. I was so afraid to let go and just allow you back into my heart that in the process I ended up almost shutting you out completely. You were strong enough to take the first step when I wasn't, and I know it seems like it's taken me forever to get to this point, but I can't fight this feeling anymore. Trying to fight my feelings for you…it's driving me crazy, and I only wish I was stronger, braver to have been able to say all of this the other night. I love you Edward, and I always have. I may have lost sight of that for a while along the way, but I want to be with you Edward. I may need us to take things slowly at first, but I want you Edward, I want us…that is if you still want me."

I'm aware that Bella's stopped talking and I'm aware that I need to give her some sort of an answer, but I feel as though my mind is reeling and my heart is soaring. She loves me too, she wants me, she wants there to be an us. Noticing the nervous look on Bella's face, I answer her by sweeping her into my arms as I whisper to her "I love you too Bella, so much" before placing a kiss on her lips, one which she deepens, opening her mouth to allow my tongue entrance. In all the times I've kissed Bella, none compare or mean more to me than this one…this kiss which signals the start of us truly rebuilding our relationship.

Pulling away from the kiss so that Bella can catch her breath, I can't help the goofy grin that appears on my face, nor can I help notice that Bella is sporting a similar expression. Walking over to my desk, Bella picks up a small package and then walks back over to me.

"The other night, you gave me a gift that means a great deal to me Edward, and now tonight I'd like to give you something too…my heart Edward, because it has only ever belonged to you." Bella says as she opens the box she's holding. Inside I notice there is a ring. As I look at it, I notice it is a white gold claddagh ring with black onyx accents and diamonds in the crown. The meaning behind the ring is not lost on me, and I can only hope she wants me to wear it in the same way I would like to.

"Bella…it's a beautiful ring. I'd be more than happy to wear it, so long as you put it on me first." I tell her.

Taking the ring out of its box, and my right hand in hers, Bella goes to place the ring on my finger, when I notice an inscription on the inside of the band. Taking the ring from Bella, I turn the ring so I can read what it says, and pull Bella into another hug as I read the inscription which says _"More than my own life"_

Stepping out of the hug, Bella takes the ring back, and places it on my right ring finger, with the heart facing inwards…exactly as I had hoped she would put it on me. Bella places a gentle kiss on my lips before pulling me into a hug into her own, murmuring "I love you" to me as she does. All I can do is respond by telling her "I love you too" and thinking to myself that things for Bella and I finally seem to be back on track.

**A/N: So they've said the I love you's and had their first kiss…awwww! Thoughts on Bella's plan? How do you all feel about what she said to Edward? Remember…if you review, I'll send you a teaser from the next chapter which should be up around Thursday or Friday. I'll also send you a teaser from the Charlie POV outtake if you review for this chapter as well. Thanks for reading!**

**Now for some explanations….**

**The claddagh ring is made up of hands holding a heart that has a crown on it. The hands symbolize friendship, the heart symbolizes love and the crown symbolizes loyalty. The way the ring is worn also holds symbolism as well. The way Edward is wearing his, on the right hand with the heart facing inward, symbolizes that the wearer's heart is taken. **

**As for the Charlie POV outtake…it is titled Daddy's Little Girl, and is Charlie's side of the story in The Sharpest Lives. You'll get to hear his side of things from Bella's running away, to finally getting to know what she wrote in the letter she sent him, to how things went when he came to visit. This outtake was written as a contribution to the Fandom For Storms compilation. The money raised from this compilation will be going to help the people who have been affected by the tornadoes which have struck across our country. To find out how to donate and get the entire compilation, please go and check out fandom4stormrelief(dot)tumblr(dot)com just remember to put in actual dots.**


	42. A Kiss Goodnight

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: Longer note at the bottom, so please check it out. As always, thank you to everyone for reading, rec'ing, and reviewing. Pictures for this chapter are on the blog. (link on my profile) **

**Chapter 42: A Kiss Goodnight**

**Song: Just A Kiss by Lady Antebellum**

Moving things forward with Edward has been almost effortless. The rest of the family seems happy for us and thankfully hasn't make a big deal out of us being together, except for Alice who keeps asking when we we're going to have the wedding. Jasper tries to get her to stop by threatening to cancel all of her lines of credit and set her closet on fire.

Edward and I are still keeping our separate rooms. Even though he stays with me until I'm ready for bed, he goes back to his own room once I fall asleep. I'm just not ready for us to be sharing a room; I still needed my own space and thankfully Edward understands. It's not that I don't trust Edward, because I do. I've given my heart to him; it's just that we both agree we should take things slow. Moving at our own pace has been working too, we've made progress together as a couple and neither of us wants to risk messing anything up.

Edward has been a perfect gentleman, never moving things beyond kissing. We've had our fair share of heated make out sessions, but now I'm itching to move things a bit further but at the same time I'm nervous about pushing things too far and messing things up. We've been together almost a month, and I know that Edward isn't like any of those men that I had been with before. He wasn't going to just leave me once he got what he wanted. We've talked about it too, and I think it was our talk about sex that really made me see just how far Edward has come and how much he has changed.

When we were in Forks, Edward was so set in his idea of waiting to marriage. Now though, it seems he's had a change of heart. He's much more open with public displays of affection, and it's in the little things as well. He's been more playful with me, sneaking an embrace or stealing kisses when he thinks no one is looking. It's refreshing seeing Edward like this, and its let me feel more comfortable in our relationship, reminds me that he wants me as much as I want him.

This time when the sex conversation came up I was shocked to say the least when Edward said waiting for marriage didn't matter anymore. I kind of took it the wrong way and we almost ended up fighting because I assumed that he said it didn't matter because of everything I had done in the past. Eventually we both cooled down enough to talk it out and Edward explained what he meant, saying it had nothing to do with my past, but that he'd rather just let things happen naturally, and for things to be a mutual decision between the both of us, that he didn't want me feeling like he was making all the choices without considering my needs and wants. Edward saying that to me, that he wanted things to be a mutual decision between us, meant the world to me. It showed me that he understood why I was so hurt and angry about everything in Forks when he left.

I'm shaken out of my thoughts when I feel Edward's arms wrap around me. I can't help but smile as he pulls me close to him and places a kiss on my cheek.

"Hello love" he whispers in my ear.

I can't help the smile that creeps across my face as I lean back into Edward's embrace.

"Hi baby. Did you have fun hunting with Emmett?" I ask.

"It was fine. I felt like I was away from you for too long though." Edward tells me, scooping me up into his arms and causing me to giggle as he carries me upstairs to my room.

Once inside my room, Edward places me on my feet before shutting the door. I head towards the bathroom to go change into my pajamas while Edward goes and gets comfortable on my bed. Once in the bathroom, I take a deep breath, trying to remind myself that it's time to move things a bit further with Edward. I just hope he doesn't think it's just my body ruling being ruled by my hormones, it's because I love him, and want to be able show him that in a way other than just saying it.

After looking myself in the mirror and reminding myself that everything will be fine, I strip off my clothes and change into my pajamas – a pair of silk lilac shorts with a matching camisole with lace trim that Alice picked up for me on her latest shopping excursion. I brush my teeth and wash my face before heading back into the bedroom where Edward is laying on my bed.

Climbing into the bed, Edward opens his arms to me and I snuggle into his embrace, unable to contain the purr that escapes my lips as he nuzzles and peppers my neck with kisses. Turning into him, I capture Edward's lips with my own. As we kiss, the room which has been quiet up until now is quickly filled with our soft pants and moans, and I in a moment of boldness move to straddle Edward's hips.

As I settle on top of Edward, his hands ghost over my chest, making their way to my arms and trailing down my body as they settle near my ass, guiding me as I start to grind myself against Edward. It's clear that we're both enjoying ourselves; I can feel the wetness starting to pool between my legs as Edward's belt buckle provides the pressure and friction I'm searching for and Edward grips my ass tighter as a growl rumbles out of him and I feel the bulge in his pants start to swell.

Our kisses become rougher and more frenzied as I pick up my pace as I ride Edward who raises his hips to meet my every thrust. I can feel the familiar pressure building in the pit of my stomach and the tingle starting between my legs and I know I'm close, but all to suddenly everything stops and Edward moves me to lie on my back and he has me pinned to the bed while keeping some distance between us. Both of us are panting and gasping, lost in a lust induced haze, but it seems Edward has the clearer head between the two of us.

"Bella, I think we should stop" he says, his voice taking on a huskier, more gravelly tone.

Looking into Edward's eyes, which have darkened considerably considering he just got back from hunting, I can see the struggle within them. As much as he wants to continue, he seems so unsure.

"Edward please, I want this. We don't need to stop" I tell him, yet at this moment I'm unsure if it's really me not wanting to stop or just my hormones talking.

"Bella, I love you and I want nothing more than to show you just how much but…I…I just don't feel like I'm ready yet to move things further."

"Why Edward? What's holding you back? Is it because of my past?" I ask, whispering the last part, slightly afraid to hear his answer.

"Love this has absolutely nothing to do with your past. I promise you that. I just…I got so caught up in the moment, caught up in your smile and I don't want to mess this thing up or push too far. I want everything with you Bella, but I just feel like if we give this a little time it'll only bring us closer in the end. I understand that you want to show me how you feel Sweetheart, but we don't need to rush this. Let's just take it slow. I'm not saying no Bella, just not tonight. I just need a little more time. Please say you understand."

If there is one thing I understand is the concept of needing time, and there is nothing I would deny Edward so long as it's within my power to give it to him, not after everything we've been through to get to where we are now. Looking into his eyes, I can in them his pleading with me to understand. Kissing him gently, I offer Edward my answer.

"Oh Edward, of course I understand. You need some more time, and I can give you that. I love you Edward. If you need me to wait a while longer before we move things forward that's fine. I can wait, you're the one I've been waiting for my whole life so I'm perfectly alright with just a kiss goodnight."

"Thank you Bella, for understanding" Edward whispers as he pulls me close to him again, kissing my cheek.

"Anything for you Edward, but can I ask you one question?" I reply.

"Of course my love. Ask away."

"Will you stay? Here, I mean. Will you stay with me tonight? I promise, I won't try anything. I just…I just miss sleeping in your arms, feeling you close to me."

Edward's quiet for a moment, and not hearing an answer from him, I turn to look at him only to see a giant smile plastered on his face.

"I would love to stay Bella" Edward tells me as he gives me one more kiss goodnight and I settle into his arms and drift off into a peaceful night's sleep, content in the knowledge that I am safely tucked away in the arms of the man I love.

**A/N: So they have made some progress and we even got a hint of citrus here. Thoughts on Bella's attempt to move their physical relationship forward? How do you all feel about Edward's decision to stop things? Remember…if you review, I'll send you a teaser from the next chapter. I apologize for this chapter being late; I'm not feeling well and feel like my stomach has become possessed. I hope to be able to get the next chapter to you soon as I am aiming to be able to mark this story complete by the end of June/beginning of July so that I can take a few weeks before starting my next story for you all. More info on that will be coming soon. Thanks for reading!**

**Now I have two important announcements:**

**FIRST, the second round of voting for the Avant Garde Awards has started. The Sharpest Lives is up for Best Makes Me Cry/Saddest Fanfiction and I would love you all forever if you could go vote for it. To vote, just go to www(dot)avantgardeawards(dot)com and click on the link to vote. Just remember to replace the dots!**

**SECONDLY, There is now a facebook group for my stories called lvtwilight09's lovers. If you'd like to be added to the group, just search it on facebook and request to join. I hope to see you all over there. It's the place where I post song teasers and additional snippets and pictures of upcoming chapters, stories, and outtakes that I am working on. **


	43. Two Become One

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: Special thanks to Massy and Sandra for their help with the pics for this chapter. Also special thanks to Kyla – I love ya babe, and Massy…you girls give me the confidence to actually believe in myself enough to think I'm not so bad at this writing thing after all. As always, thank you to everyone for reading, rec'ing, and reviewing. Pictures for this chapter are on the blog. (link on my profile) **

**Chapter 43: Two Become One**

**Song: Lucky by Jason Mraz & Colbie Caillat**

***EPOV***

After the first night that Bella asked me to stay with her, she started asking me to stay over more and more often until eventually I was staying over every night. Bella told me she didn't want to sleep without me anymore. We were finally feeling like we were truly back on solid ground together and I felt like Bella and I were ready to take the next step in our relationship, and I was going to ask her to take that step with me today.

We haven't really moved forward physically, but a lot of that was on me. I know Bella is ready, but I just needed more time. For so long all I did was dream about getting Bella back, that now that I have her, it took me a while to wrap my head around the idea and realize that she wasn't going to disappear on me again. Spending the nights with Bella, watching her as she slept made me realize just how much I want everything with her. I of course want to marry her, but beyond that I just want to be able to truly show her how much I love her, how much she means to me. That's where my new plan comes into play.

Hopefully, Bella asking me to stay with her at night is a sign that she's ready for us to move into the same room, because I plan on asking her exactly that in just about an hour. I had decided to ask Esme to help me on this one. I couldn't decide whose room we should move into, both of ours seem to hold some rather unpleasant memories. Mine being the place where I wallowed away alone, and Bella's being where she was cared for after her overdose. When I spoke to Esme about it she suggested choosing one of the guest rooms and doing a remodel to make it a room that the both of us would enjoy, a room that wouldn't hold the negative memories and offer us a fresh start. Needless to say I loved the idea, and Esme had been working tirelessly to make the room perfect. Now all I needed was to get Bella to say yes.

Figuring that now is as good a time as any, I make my way over Bella's room. Stopping in the doorway I see her sitting in a chair by her window completely absorbed in a book. I can't help but smile at how beautiful she looks and remind myself how lucky I am to have been given a second chance with Bella. As I knock on the doorway, Bella looks up and smiles at me. I can't even describe how much my heart swells every time she looks at me like that. It's like falling in love with her all over again. My brothers and sisters may all have their mates, and as much as they say they are happy that things are working out between with me and Bella, that they understand why I'm so happy because of everything we've gone through, but they really have no clue. I'd go through all of it all over again if it meant in the end I got Bella because they don't know how long it takes…waiting for a love like I've found with Bella.

"Hi baby" Bella says…yeah, she calls me baby now and I love it. I love that we've learned to communicate and both of us are comfortable enough with each other to really express how we feel now. We never had that before. It's why I feel confident enough to take this next step with Bella.

"Hi love" I reply. "I was wondering if I could talk to you about something important. It's nothing bad I promise" I continue to say, adding in the last part as I see a look of worry pass across Bella's face.

"Um…sure, of course Edward." Bella tells me as she sets her book down on the table next to her chair.

Taking Bella's hands in mine, I take a deep, albeit unnecessary breath and ask her.

"I was wondering if you'd like to move in with me. I mean, I know we already live in the same house and everything, but I was kind of hoping that maybe we could start sharing a room…" I trail off, nervous to hear Bella's answer.

"Really Edward? You mean it? You want us to share a room?" She asks as I look up and see a smile the size of Texas spread across her face.

"Yes Bella. I mean it. I know there will be times when you'll probably want your own space and stuff but I really want us to be together. No more separate rooms. I don't think I can stay away anymore."

"Okay Edward. I think we're ready for this" Bella tells me as she nods her head. If she only knew how happy she's made me. The only thing that would make me happier would be to marry Bella, but we're not ready for that…_yet._

"So who's moving into who's room?" Bella asks, effectively snapping me out of my daydream of seeing her walking down an aisle towards me in a white dress.

"Come with me" I tell her. "I was kind of hoping you would say yes and got the room all set up already."

"So we're staying in your room then?"

"Not exactly, just come with me Bella." I say excitedly, and wanting to be able to just show her the room already, I grab her hand and lead her into the hallway. As we walk past my doorway Bella stops, a look of confusion on her face, but I tug on her hand and lead her two more doors down to where our new room is.

I cover her eyes with my hand and open the door. Leading her in to the room, I remove my hand from her eyes and whisper into her ear "Welcome home love."

***BPOV***

I feel like my emotions are all out of control. I'm excited and happy that Edward wants to move our relationship forward, but confused by his "not exactly" statement. I feel Edward guiding me into the room since he's covering my eyes and I can't help the shiver that runs through me as I feel Edward's cool breath on my neck as he whispers to me "Welcome home love."

As Edward pulls his hand away from my eyes, a gasp slips past my lips. The room we're standing in is absolutely beautiful. The walls are painted a warm yellow with white trim and there are green accents throughout the room. The bed is a four poster and is made of the same dark wood as the rest of the furniture. As I look around the room, all I can think of is how it's the perfect room for me and Edward; I can see pieces of the both of us in the decor.

Turning towards Edward, I try to fight the tears welling up. I can see how nervous he is about how I'm going to react to the room. Wrapping my arms around him I say "Oh Edward, it's absolutely beautiful" as I kiss him.

"I'm glad you like it Bella. I had Esme help me. I thought this could be like a fresh start for us, a new room with none of the memories or reminders of everything we've been through." Edward explains as he gently kisses back.

"It's perfect Edward, truly perfect" I whisper as I pepper his neck with kisses. Things start to heat up between the two of us. Our kisses become more passionate as our hands roam over each other's bodies. Edward pulls me close to him and I can feel his arousal against me. Letting my hands wander down, I palm his erection through his pants and the growl that Edward releases in response only serves to cause my panties to become drenched.

"Bella, I need more" Edward manages to pant out as he pushes me backwards towards the bed. I nod in response as he lays me down and looks me over like he's ready to devour me.

I can see a bit of lingering hesitation in his eyes. "Please Edward. I need you" I tell him before pulling him to me and kissing him roughly, bucking my hips up against his.

Pulling back from me I see Edward's golden eyes turn black, all traces of hesitation replaced by desire, and before I know it I hear rather than feel the rip as Edward rids me of my pants and underwear as his tongue plunges into my mouth. Blindly, my hands reach towards Edward's waist, and finding his belt, make quick work of undoing it and pushing down Edward's pants and boxers.

Edward's kisses leave a searing trail as he makes his way down my neck to my chest, gently nipping at my breasts before continuing further down. Stopping at my waist, Edward looks up at me as asks "Please love, can I taste you?"

I can't help the moan that escapes me as I nod since I seem to have lost all ability to speak coherently. I've been dying for more with Edward for so long and I can't wait any longer.

I feel Edward's hands trailing along my inner thighs, moving towards my already dripping core and all of a sudden I feel him there, flicking his tongue across my clit as he pushes a finger into me. My hands immediately seek out his hair in an effort to keep him right there. It's never felt like this for me before, so intense, so passionate…so loving, and I realize that is what the difference is – the love between Edward and I is what is making it all the more special.

"Oh God…Edward" I moan as he sucks my clit into his mouth and adds a second finger as he pumps them in and out of me. As much as I want this to last longer I know I won't be able to hold on much longer. The sensation of Edward's fingers in me, the feel of his tongue lapping at my clit, and just knowing that everything that Edward is doing to me comes from a place of love is all too much as the tingle I've been feeling builds and builds, consuming me as my orgasm washes over me as I scream out Edward's name.

Edward slowly pulls his fingers from within me, placing a gently kiss on my already sensitive clit before kissing his way up to my mouth.

"I love you Bella, so much" he whispers before kissing me.

"I love you too Edward, more than I could ever say" I respond, rolling us so that I'm on top of him.

Sensing what I'm planning, Edward grabs my hips and tells me "Bella, you know you don't have to. I have no expectations of you here."

"I know baby" I say "But I want to, please…"

Edward gulps and nods before telling me "Just go slow love. I don't want to lose control with you."

Instead of responding, I kiss him before moving down his body and stroking his already hard cock.

As I move my hands up and down Edward's length I look at him and see his mouth is open, allowing growls and grunts to escape, as his hips start to thrust in time with my hand's movements. Making brief eye contact with him, I wink at Edward before lowering my head and licking the tip of Edward's cock before taking it into my mouth, using my hand on what I can't fit into my mouth.

I hear Edward's hands grip the comforter as my tongue swirls around his length and moan as I take him all the way into my mouth. Edward's moan's get louder and his hips thrusts quicken in pace as I continue to work him with my mouth, gently grazing him with my teeth. I move my hand to his balls, gently squeezing them as Edward screams out "Fuck Bella…so good, so warm."

Edward's moans turn into incoherent growls and before I know it, his hands are in my hair as he tries to pull me off of him saying "Bella, please…I'm going to cum." I push his hands away and take him all the way in. I feel his cock twitch as his release spills down my throat and the roar which has rumbled out of Edward's mouth echoes in my ears. Swirling my tongue around his length one final time, I move and lay next to Edward as he pulls me into his arms.

A lazy smile drifts across Edward's face; a look that I'm sure is mirrored on my own face as well. He gently caresses my cheek before tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear and pulling the bed covers over us both. Sleep begins to take over me as I whisper "I love you" to Edward. The look in his eyes as he says "I love you too" tells me everything, how much he loves me and cares for me and I finally feel like I've finally come home again.

**A/N: So they're moving into the same room together and it seems like Edward doesn't feel like waiting anymore when it comes to the physical side of their relationship. Thoughts on their moving into the same room? Teasers from the next chapter to everyone who reviews! Next update should be posting on Tuesday. Thanks for reading!**

**Now for some reminders:**

**FIRST, the second round of voting for the Avant Garde Awards has started. The Sharpest Lives is up for Best Makes Me Cry/Saddest Fanfiction and I would love you all forever if you could go vote for it. To vote, just go to www(dot)avantgardeawards(dot)com and click on the link to vote. Just remember to replace the dots!**

**SECONDLY, there is now a Facebook group for my stories called lvtwilight09's lovers. If you'd like to be added to the group, just search it on Facebook and request to join. I hope to see you all over there. It's the place where I post song teasers and additional snippets and pictures of upcoming chapters, stories, and outtakes that I am working on. **

**Some Rec's For You All…**

**Just Out Of Reach by theonlykyla – Seriously, if you aren't reading this, drop whatever you're doing and go read it. It's amazing!**

**Love The Way You Lie by bnjwl – I just started reading this one and was hooked from the first chapter, it's such a great story!**

**A Nerd Story of Love by Tufano79 – An awesome story for anyone who loves Geekward!**


	44. Finding Perfection

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: Thanks to Kyla for helping me with my writers block on this chapter…love ya babe! Massy…this chapter is dedicated to you. I know you've been waiting a long time for this one, so here it is hun. I hope you like it. As always thanks to everyone for reading, rec'ing and reviewing. Pictures for this chapter are on the blog, and will be posted to the FB group after the chapter posts.**

**Chapter 44: Finding Perfection**

**Song: I'd Love To Be Your Last by Clay Walker**

***BPOV***

Ever since Edward and I moved our physical relationship forward, I can't describe how much closer I feel to him. It took some adjustment on my part to get used to all the emotions attached to being with him. We still haven't slept together, neither of us were totally ready for that step yet, but every time we're together physically I feel completely loved, as though Edward is baring his soul completely to me. Over the years, with my past experiences, I had gotten so used to having no emotional connection to anything sexual. I had learned long ago to shut that part of me down but being with Edward reawakened it in me, and as overpowering as it was in first, I reveled in the feelings I was experiencing. I was finally truly feeling alive again and I loved every moment of it. Having Edward by my side just made it ten times better.

Smiling, I fasten the clasp on my necklace, my key to Edward's heart and double check myself in the mirror. Edward had managed to arrange for us to have the house to ourselves for a date night tonight. I'm sure everyone else knew what he had planned because every time someone saw me the past few days they would all start smiling like they know some sort of secret about me. I wanted to look nice for Edward tonight, so I chose to wear a navy blue wrap dress and a pair of silver heels, to compliment my necklace. I left my hair down and wavy and only put on a little bit of blush and some lip gloss.

Hearing a knock on the door to mine and Edward's room, I head over to the door and opening it, I'm greeted by Edward, looking handsome as ever. He's wearing black pants with a white shirt and a black tie with a striped vest. I can't help but stare at the gorgeous man before me and try to understand how I got lucky enough to be able to call him mine. Edward takes my hand in his, brings it up to his lips and places a kiss upon it.

"You look stunning Bella" he tells me, causing me to blush as I see his eyes rake over my body.

"Thank you Edward. You look amazing as well" I manage to whisper.

Offering me his arm, Edward leads me down the hall and downstairs to the music room. It looks like something out of a romance movie, the lights dimmed and candles lit everywhere. I can't believe that Edward did this all for me. There is soft music playing in the background as Edward wraps his arms around me and slowly starts to dance with me around the room. For all my years on the stage, I can still be a bit of a klutz, but safe in Edward's arms, moving with him in time to the music is almost as easy as breathing.

"I love you Bella" Edward says, looking me square in the eye.

"I love you too Edward. Thank you for tonight, it's lovely." I reply, placing a kiss on his cheek.

"I'm glad you like it Bella. I know it isn't much, but I just wanted us a chance to have some time together alone, without everyone around."

We dance for a while longer, Edward pulling me impossibly closer to him when Clair de Lune pipes through the sound system, the significance of the song not lost on me. As we dance, we steal kisses and murmur words of love to each other, and I can't help but think that right here, right now, my life is perfect. For once I'm not wondering about the what if's or wishing that I could go back and do things over. For once I'm just happy with how everything is…it's a feeling I never thought I would ever get to experience.

After the song ends, Edward leads me over to the piano and pulls me to sit next to him on the bench.

"I um…I have so much I'm dying to say to you Bella, and I feel like I can never manage to find the right words to say it. I just hope that maybe if I sing it to you, that you'll understand everything I'm trying to say" Edward explains as he starts playing a beautiful melody on the piano before he starts to sing…

_If I had it my way  
This would be the first time that you made love  
I'd be the first man that your hands touched  
But we'd both done our share of living  
Taken chances we were given  
I've never been big on looking back  
I don't care if I'm your first love  
But I'd love to be your last_

If I could do it over  
I'd have waited for this moment to give my heart to you unbroken  
But if our mistakes brought us together  
Doesn't really matter whether, we were saints or sinners in the past  
I don't care if I'm your first love  
I'd just love to be your last

All I know is what I see when I look at you  
And all I see is what I'm feeling down inside  
And all I'm feeling is this feeling that I finally got it right

When I wake up tomorrow  
I'm going to throw my arms around you  
Thank my lucky stars I found you  
Cause I know your heart has so much more than any man has touched before that  
Nothing matters more to me than that

I don't care if I'm your first love, but I'd love to be your last

Tears are pouring down my face by the time Edward finishes singing. The song was so beautiful and the words mean so much to me, they tell me everything Edward has been trying to say to me and show me these past few months and I realize that I'm ready now…ready to give all of myself to Edward.

"Edward" I whisper, my voice breathy. "I'm ready. It feels right. Take me to our room."

A flicker of uncertainty crosses Edward's face, but as he sees my own confidence in my eyes, he nods before scooping me up in his arms and carrying me up to our room, kicking the door shut with his foot. He carries me towards the bed and lays me down gently.

"Are you sure Bella? You know we can wait if you want."

"I've never been more certain Edward" I say, pulling him towards me and kissing him, my hands weaving their way into his unruly hair.

I feel Edward's hands as they roam my body, finding their way to the tie holding my dress closed and undoing it, causing my dress to fall open. As Edward looks my body over I feel my nipples harden from the intensity of his gaze, his hunger for me evident in his eyes. Kissing my way down Edward's neck, my hands find my way to his vest, undoing the buttons and pushing the garment off of Edward's shoulders before working to undo his tie.

I move and straddle myself across Edward's lap as he kisses me, our tongues fighting for dominance. Edward pushes my dress off of me, leaving me in nothing but my bra and panties as I work my way through the buttons on his shirt before pulling it off of him. My mouth trails kisses down Edward's chest as I undo his belt buckle and his pants, tugging them down over his hips allowing them to fall to the floor next to my dress.

Edward flips me over, hovering over me as his hand ghosts its way over my body, causing me to shiver. Quicker than I thought possible, Edward removes my bra, his hands making their way to my breasts, kneading them and pinching my nipples, eliciting a whimper from me as he sucks one into his mouth. My back arches as I hold his head to my chest, loving the cool sensation of Edward against my already flushed and heated skin. Before I know it, Edward releases my nipple from his mouth as he moves further south, using his teeth to remove my panties. He stops as his nose reaches my center and as he inhales the scent of my arousal, a growl rumbles deep in his chest.

Once my panties are off, I reach forward, pulling on Edward's boxers, removing them and setting free his hardened cock. As soon as my eyes get a glimpse of him, I'm licking my lips and pulling Edward towards me, stroking his length as I lick the tip before taking him in my mouth. Moaning at the feeling of having him in my mouth again, I swirl my tongue around Edward's cock as my head moves up and down his length. All too soon, Edward pushes me off of him.

"Please Bella; I want to be able to last." He says, his voice husky and deep.

I nod in understanding and he pushes me back so I'm laying on the bed. Edward uses his knees to nudge my legs apart, running his fingers up my legs and to my already dripping center, he begins to tease my clit with his thumb before pushing two fingers into me, causing my hips to buck up against his hand.

My breathing picks up as his fingers work their magic, causing me to writhe on the bed, the loudness of my moans already making me thankful that the rest of the family is gone for the night.

"Edward" I pant. "So good…please don't stop" I beg, feeling my orgasm build within me.

Edward lowers his face to mine, kissing me deeply before pulling back slightly and whispering "Let go beautiful. Come for me."

His words are my undoing as I cry out Edward's name and feel my body shaking from the force of my orgasm.

"So beautiful" he murmurs before kissing me again.

"Edward please…I need you inside me. Make love to me Edward." I tell him, looking deeply into his eyes as I do.

"As you wish my love" he replies as he moves himself over me, lining himself up with my entrance.

Ever so slowly, he enters me, the both of us groaning from the overwhelming sensation of being connected like this. We stay still for a moment, just enjoying the closeness before Edward starts to move, gently at first, pumping in and out of me.

My arms wrap tightly around Edward as he makes love to me, neither of us breaking eye contact with the other. Edward's hands move to my breasts as he gropes them causing my whimpers and moans to mix in with his own growls and grunts. Edward's hand moves down between us and he starts to tease my clit again, causing my release to build within me.

"You feel amazing Bella, so perfect. I love you."

"I love you too Edward. Please…I'm so close" I moan.

I can tell that Edward is close as well. His fingers quicken as they play with my clit and his thrusts speed up as well. He growls out my name and it's enough to send me over the edge once again, with Edward following shortly after.

I can't help the smile that is plastered across my face as I try to get my breathing under control again. Edward has me snuggled in a blanket against his chest as he peppers me with gentle kisses. Neither of us speak, having already said everything with our bodies. The only sounds filling the room are my sighs of contentment and an occasional purr from Edward when I reach up to return a kiss.

Being with Edward like this…I don't think there is anything I'd ever want more. Tonight was more than I could have ever hoped for. The way he makes me feel cherished, feel special…it's like nothing I've ever experienced. I cling to him, relishing in how good he feels pressed against me, never wanting to let him go. "I love you Edward" I say quietly. Edward says nothing in return. He only gazes at me, the look in his eyes more intense than I've ever seen before, causing my heart to race.

He sits up in the bed, pulling me up with him, his intense gaze never faltering. He reaches under his pillow, but I can't see what he pulls from beneath it as he takes my hand in his own.

"Bella, I love you too…so much. After everything we've been through and how far we've come, I don't ever want to even think of having to spend another day without you. Marry me."

I look down as I feel Edward places a small red, open box in my hand. Inside is the most gorgeous ring I have ever seen. The band is platinum with diamonds, and set in the center is a larger diamond. I don't even want to think of what the ring costs, but I can't help to think of how beautiful it is, and how it has a look of simplicity to it. It's everything I could ever dream an engagement ring to be.

Edward's question is ringing in my ears as the reality of what he is asking me sets in. We've been together a little over three months now, and I'm sure for some it may seem too quick, but I can't imagine my life without Edward by my side. Not after how hard we've fought to find our way back to each other. I've never felt more certain about anything than this. It's not only what I want, but what feel right.

Looking back up at Edward, I can see the nervousness creep across his face as he waits for my answer.

"Yes" is all I can manage to mutter in response. As soon as the word passes my lips, Edward breaks out into the biggest smile I've ever seen and slips the ring onto my finger. Looking at the ring on my left hand, I can't help but smile as well. It looks right, like it was always meant to be there, and I'm glad because I don't plan to ever take it off.

"I love you Edward"

"And I you Bella…always." Edward murmurs to me in between kisses.

Seeing me yawn, Edward snuggles me against his chest.

"Sleep my love. We have the rest of our lives to celebrate." He whispers into my ear as I drift off to sleep, a smile still on my face.

**A/N: Lots happened in this chapter! They've finally had sex, AND they got engaged. Thoughts on the proposal? How do you think the family will react? Teasers from the next chapter to everyone who reviews! Next update should be posting soon. Thanks for reading!**

**Now for some reminders:**

**FIRST, the second round of voting for the Avant Garde Awards is still going on. The Sharpest Lives is up for Best Makes Me Cry/Saddest Fanfiction and I would love you all forever if you could go vote for it. To vote, just go to www(dot)avantgardeawards(dot)com and click on the link to vote. Just remember to replace the dots!**

**SECONDLY, there is now a Facebook group for my stories called lvtwilight09's lovers. If you'd like to be added to the group, just search it on Facebook and request to join. I hope to see you all over there. It's the place where I post song teasers and additional snippets and pictures of upcoming chapters, stories, and outtakes that I am working on. **


	45. Setting The Date

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: Kyla and Massy, I don't know what I would do without the two of you. Thanks so much for reassuring me yesterday. You both kept me from completely scraping an entire portion of this story. As always thanks to everyone for reading, rec'ing and reviewing. **

**Chapter 45: Setting The Date**

**Song: Marry You by Bruno Mars**

***EPOV***

Everything in my world is completely perfect right now. I have Bella with me in my arms and she's agreed to marry me. I don't think I've ever felt this happy before. Last night was such a test of my level of self-control. I was so afraid of losing it with Bella in the heat of the moment, but I stayed focused on making sure that last night was special for her that I was able to push my own needs and desires to the back of my mind and focus solely on Bella. It seemed to work, and needless to say, last night was extremely enjoyable for us both.

As happy as I am though, I can't help but wonder what this will mean for Bella and I…will she want to be changed? If so, when? We've talked about a lot of things but Bella's mortality has always been the one issue we've either avoided or just talked about it vague generalities. Of course my hope is that she'll want to spend forever with me, but it's ultimately her decision, and I'll accept whatever she decides. I do however make a mental note to bring up the whole changing her issue soon though. I hear Bella murmuring in her sleep as she always does and pull her closer into my embrace, content to spend the rest of my night, the rest of my forever if she would let me, just like this.

After Bella wakes up, I have to hide my laughter as I watch her constantly looking at or checking her left hand, as if she's making sure that the ring is still there, making sure that our night together wasn't just a dream. We spend our morning together snuggling on the couch, watching episodes of GLEE we have DVR'd. I personally don't care for the show, but Bella seems to like it, even singing along with some of the songs at times, so I endure the show for her. It makes her happy, and to me that's all that matters.

A short while later I can hear the cars heading towards the house and figure I should give Bella a heads up that the family is back. We had agreed we would tell them right away since keeping secrets in this house is like trying to keep ice from melting in the desert. We just barely make it to the front door when it is thrust open on us and Alice runs in like a hurricane, picking up Bella and swinging her around in circles, all the while screaming about how Bella said yes.

Jasper eventually steps in when he notices Bella looking like she's about ready to vomit from being spun around. Once Bella is back on solid ground the rest of the family offer their congratulations and Bella and I are passed around like a couple of rag dolls as everyone hugs us.

"So…let me see the ring" Rosalie asks. "Edward managed to keep Alice from finding out by constantly changing his mind on which one he was going to pick."

I let out a low chuckle as Alice lets out a frustrated grown and Bella proudly hold up her hand for the girls to see the ring.

"Well aren't you a lucky fucking reformed ho" Rose says as she checks out the ring.

Bella smiles and laughs as she says "Damn straight I am….the luckiest."

I can't help the growl that escapes me as I hear their exchange. Bella has made so much progress. She even can joke about some of the things from her past, especially with Rose. The two of them have bonded and become unexpectedly close and I know that it's a good thing, but it's still hard for me to handle their little jokes with each other about Bella's previous line of work. I'm better than I used to be about it. The first time I heard Rose call Bella a "reformed ho" I ended up having to pay for Esme to refurbish the dining room. I just have to remind myself that the past is the past, and honestly I'd much rather see Bella be able to accept her past and joke about it than wallow and sit around wondering about all the what ifs.

"So…" Alice practically yells. "When are you getting married? Who are we inviting? What are your colors going to be? Where do you want to have the ceremony? What kind of flowers do you want? Have you picked out a dress?"

Alice keeps working herself into a tizzy about the planning until Bella finally shouts her name to get her attention.

"ALICE! Relax. Edward and I only got engaged last night. We haven't decided anything yet. Once we do, we'll let you know, and I promise I'll leave it all in your capable hands to arrange okay?"

Alice just nods and apologizes for her outburst before she runs off to her and Jasper's room, muttering about color swatches and getting invitations out in time, dragging Jasper, who has a semi-frightened look on his face, behind her. Rose and Emmett offer their congratulations again as well before heading off to the garage to tinker with whatever car Rose is working on now. Carlisle and Esme are left with us in the entryway and offer their congratulations as well before heading off to the study, Esme's mind on some new renovation project and Carlisle thinking about some article in a medical journal.

Bella and I are alone again, as she drags me back over to the couch to continue with her GLEE-athon. As we're watching the show, I begrudgingly admit that it isn't as bad as I originally thought it was. Bella is lying with her head in my lap as my hand plays with her hair as we watch, ironically enough, the wedding episode of the show. Kirk…Clark…Kurt, whatever the abnormally effeminate boy on the show is called, his father is getting married to Finn's mother and the all the cast members are dancing around on the TV singing Bruno Mars' song Marry You, when Bella starts asking questions.

"Do you want a big wedding Edward?" she asks.

"As long as you're happy love, it doesn't matter to me, although the idea of a small get together has a nice appeal to it."

"Small would be nice. I would like to invite Jake and April, and Ben and Angela. Maybe her dad could do the ceremony?" Bella questions nervously, obviously concerned about my reaction to her mentioning Jake. I know the pup had feelings for Bella once upon a time, but he was there for Bella when I wasn't and seems to have moved on. Plus I would never deny Bella anything. I don't think I ever could. If she wants him at the wedding then I'll mail the invite myself.

"I think that would be nice" I reply.

Bella moves from my lap and sits up, looking very serious for a moment as she looks me in the eye.

"I don't want to wait Edward" she says, her voice barely a whisper.

"Don't want to wait for what Bella?" I ask, slightly confused as to where she's going with this conversation.

"To be married. I don't want to wait. I want to be married as soon as possible. After everything we've been through, all the time we've lost or wasted fighting with each other, being angry, and then struggling to find our way back to each other…I don't want to wait any longer than I absolutely have to in order to be able to call you my husband" she explains, her eyes welling up from the emotion I can already hear in her voice. She sounds so certain, so ready to move forward with me, and it makes me happy beyond belief to hear her say these words to me.

"I'd marry you tomorrow if Alice wouldn't kill me for not letting her plan the wedding. Do you have a date in mind?"

"Um…how's September 3rd? It would give Alice enough time to arrange everything and give us enough time to have a bit of a honeymoon before you change me. I don't want to be any older than you than I already am, so I would like to be changed before my birthday…if you still want to change me that is…" she trails off, a hint of uncertainty in her voice.

Bella breaks eye contact as she brings up the topic of her being changed, clearly nervous about how I'll react to it. Placing my hand beneath her chin and lifting her face so that she's looking me in the eye I tell her "Nothing would make me happier than to change you Bella. I love you and want you with me always, but this is your decision to make, one I will support no matter what you choose."

Bella says nothing in response, but pulls me to her and kisses me deeply.

"Thank you Edward. I love you too" she murmurs before pulling away from me. "I suppose we should let Alice know it's ok for her to start her planning then?" She questions.

Before I can answer, a tiny ball of energy is bouncing in front of us, rambling a mile a minute about guest lists and seating charts and a million other things.

"Alice" Bella practically yells. "I agreed to let you arrange things, but I don't want anything extravagant. I want something nice and simple ok? Now you have just a few weeks to put this together, and I'm fine with you doing that, but I get final say on everything understood?"

I've love how assertive Bella has become, how unafraid she is to speak her mind. Then again the pout on Alice's face when she realizes she won't win this fight with Bella is priceless too.

"Fine Bella" Alice huffs. "But we have to get started now. We have far too much to do and too little time to do it all in" She continues to ramble on as she drags Bella up the stairs to start planning. Bella has a such a helpless look on her face as she silently begs me to save her, but I know better than to interfere when Alice in the midst of planning an event. I just sigh as I watch my sister drag my fiancée away from me, fairly certain that she'll be monopolizing most of Bella's time until the day of the wedding.

**A/N: So a lot was discussed and decided in this chapter. Thoughts about Bella wanting to get married so soon? What do you all think about her decision about being changed? Teasers from the next chapter to everyone who reviews! Next update should be posting soon. Thanks for reading!**

**Now for some reminders:**

**FIRST, the second round of voting for the Avant Garde Awards is still going on. The Sharpest Lives is up for Best Makes Me Cry/Saddest Fanfiction and I would love you all forever if you could go vote for it. To vote, just go to www(dot)avantgardeawards(dot)com and click on the link to vote. Just remember to replace the dots!**

**SECONDLY, there is now a Facebook group for my stories called lvtwilight09's lovers. If you'd like to be added to the group, just search it on Facebook and request to join. I hope to see you all over there. It's the place where I post song teasers and additional snippets and pictures of upcoming chapters, stories, and outtakes that I am working on. **


	46. Man and Wife

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: I won't say much here, I know you all are ready to see our favorite couple tie the knot. As always thanks to everyone for reading, rec'ing and reviewing. Lots of pictures for this chapter, as usual they are all on the blog so be sure you check them out.**

**Chapter 46: Man and Wife**

**Songs: As Long As You're Mine (Wicked)**

**Come What May (Moulin Rouge)**

*****BPOV*****

The weeks since our engagement have been hectic to say the least. Edward and I have barely gotten to spend any time together with how busy Alice, Esme, and Rose have kept me. Between picking out colors, dresses, invitations, a cake, and Alice sending me for a waxing that I would much rather forget, I was surprised I was able to remember to breathe. Edward and I were lucky enough to convince everyone that we didn't need or want bachelor and bachelorette parties. I shudder just thinking about the things the girls would have come up with. Now we're back in Forks, even though I thought that after Charlie's funeral I wouldn't be returning for quite some time, and I'm getting married tomorrow.

Edward had surprised me with his suggestion of getting married back in Forks, our meadow to be precise. I was hesitant at first, but in the end it made sense since we had wanted to invite Ben and Angela, Jake and April, and once Seth heard about the wedding, he wanted to attend as well. Plus we had wanted Angela's father to conduct the ceremony, so in the end it seemed to be easier for us to go to Forks. Looking back, I'm glad Edward suggested the meadow; so many important memories for Edward and I took place there, it only seemed fitting for the wedding to be there too.

It feels weird lying in my bed in my old room again. I can hear Alice, Esme and Rose all flitting about downstairs while they finish the final details on everything for tomorrow. I wanted to stay back at the Cullens house where Edward was, but Alice insisted on maintaining the whole tradition of not the bride and groom not seeing each other the day before the wedding. I keep looking over at my window, which I've left open purely out of habit, half expecting Edward to climb through it at any moment. I know he won't though. Rose put Jasper and Emmett on guard duty to make sure that Edward doesn't sneak over to see me during the night. Huffing from the frustration of not having Edward by my side, I turn over and try to fall asleep, reminding myself that in less than twenty four hours I will become Bella Cullen.

Far too early for my liking I hear Alice's chipper voice permeating my room as she commands me to get out of bed. Rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I manage to sit up in bed only to feel Alice pull me off of it and push me towards the bathroom as she tells me to shower. All too soon Alice is banging on the door telling me to hurry up and finish. Shutting the water off and stepping out of the shower, I see that Alice left underwear and a robe for me to put on. I dry off, slip on the underwear and wrap the robe around me before towel drying my hair and stepping back into my room.

"Took you long enough" Alice huffs out. "We have a schedule to keep in order to get you ready and down the aisle on time."

I just shake my head as Alice pushes me down in a chair and gets to work on my hair and makeup. The whole time she's attacking me with brushes and glosses and powders and creams I keep reminding myself that she means well and is only trying to help make today special. After what seems like an eternity, Rose and Esme come in to help me into my dress so that Alice can go get herself ready.

Looking at Esme and Rosalie I smile at how pretty they look in their dresses. Alice and Rose are standing in as my bridesmaids and will both be wearing lavender dresses, while Esme is wearing a plum colored dress. We had decided to go with shades of purple as the colors for the wedding since the flowers in the meadow would still be in bloom. Glancing excitedly towards Esme's hands, I see the garment bag that holds my dress in it. Alice nearly had a conniption when I said I wanted a simple dress, but finally agreed when I told her if she tried to put me in anything extravagant that I would burn it and walk down the aisle naked.

I pull off my robe and toss it on my bed as Esme holds my dress and Rose helps me step into it before zipping it up in back. I turn and look at myself in the mirror and can't believe I'm looking back at myself. My makeup is light and natural and my hair is glossy and has a soft curl to it. My dress is in a word perfect. It's a simple, strapless white tea length dress – everything I had dreamed of when I started thinking about all of this wedding stuff a few weeks ago.

"Bella you look beautiful sweetheart" Esme whispers as she walks up behind me.

"Thanks Esme" I manage to choke out as I fight back the tears that threaten to fall, afraid of incurring Alice's wrath if I should mess up my makeup.

Just as Rose hands me my shoes, Alice comes back into the room, letting us know it's time for us to head towards the meadow. I'm not sure how and I'm not sure if I want to know how, but the Cullen's managed to clear a drivable path all the way to the meadow so that way it would be easier to get there. Just as we make our way downstairs, there is a knock on the front door. Rose goes to answer it, but keeps the door fairly closed so I can't see who it is. All I can hear are hushed arguments back and forth until I make my way over to the door and pull it open, only to see Sue Clearwater standing in the doorway.

My body shakes a little as I remember our last encounter with each other. "Hello Sue" I manage to say with as much courage as I can muster.

"Bella" Sue replies. "I'm glad I didn't miss you. I um…I know I'm probably the last person you want to see today, and I know I have no right to ask this, but I was hoping to be able to speak to you for a moment before you left."

"I don't think today is the right day for this" hisses Rose defensively.

"Rose" I interrupt. "I think today is fine. It'll only take a few minutes. Besides, it's not like we even know when we'll be back to Forks after this." I reach around Rose to allow Sue in before heading into the kitchen. I hear Sue's footsteps behind me and Rosalie grumbling by the door. Once I reach the kitchen I turn around and face Sue, who looks extremely nervous and I'm not sure if it has to do with me or the fact that she's in a house with three vampires.

"Thank you Bella, for agreeing to speak to me" Sue mumbles.

"I only agreed because I know you were important to my father and he would have wanted me to give you a chance." I explain.

Sue nods her head before she starts talking.

"I came to apologize Bella. For how I acted at your father's funeral. I had no right to hit you like that or to say what I did. I know it's no excuse, but I was hurting so badly from losing him. He had asked me to marry him Bella, we were supposed to grow old together. No one else knows. He wanted to tell you in person and we were going to tell Seth and Leah after we told you. He wanted you to be the first to know."

I'm completely stunned into silence. I'm not sure if I can fully process or believe what Sue is saying, but when I look at her, I see her wearing a gold chain around her neck that has a simple diamond ring on it. It's enough for me to realize what she's saying. It's enough for me to have a better understanding of why she reacted the way she did the day of the funeral. People do unexplainable and sometimes unforgivable things when they lose the ones they love. I know, I've gone through that myself. I'm brought out of my thoughts as Sue continues talking.

"I'm not expecting you to be able to forgive me Bella, but I thought I at least owed you an explanation and an apology. You're father had planned on giving you this the next time he came to see you. He had asked me to take it to the jewelers to be cleaned and have the settings on the stones checked. It belonged to his mother. Your grandfather gave it to her as a wedding present. I think your dad would have liked you to wear it today. Maybe as both your something old and something blue?"

Sue pulls a small box out of her purse and hands it to me. With shaky hands I open the box and see a beautiful diamond and sapphire pendant on a white gold chain. Thinking back, I can remember seeing pictures of Grandma Swan wearing this necklace. I just never knew the story behind it. My trembling fingers ghost over the pendant before I remove it from the box.

Turning towards Sue I ask "Will you help me put it on?"

Sue nods as she takes the necklace from me and helps me put it on.

"Thank you Sue…for bringing the necklace over and for explaining things. I understand how you felt, and I understand better than most how people do things they normally wouldn't do when they are hurting from a loss. That doesn't mean I can forgive yet. I'm not saying I won't ever, I just need some time. You're words hurt me deeply, almost pushed me to use again, and I need some time to get over that." I explain.

"I understand Bella. Thanks for at least hearing me out." Sue says as she makes her way towards the front door. Stopping just as she's walking out of the house she turns and says "You look beautiful Bella. I wish you nothing but happiness. Your father would have loved to see you looking so happy today." Sue says nothing more, just shuts the door as she leaves.

I take a moment to calm myself down before turning to face Alice, Esme, and Rosalie. When I do, they are all looking at me nervously. I offer them a smile before clearing my throat and saying "Well I don't know about you all, but I have a wedding to get to."

Sensing that I'm ok, they all smile and help me out the door and into the car. The drive to the meadow doesn't take long. It seems that Esme has the same love for fast driving as Edward does. Once we get to the meadow, I'm stopped by the girls as I go to head towards the makeshift aisle.

"Wait a minute Bella" Esme says. "You know I consider you my daughter in every way already, but I just wanted to tell you how happy I am to have you joining the family officially. Carlisle and I got you these for today for your something new. We hope you like them" Esme tells me as she hands me a small box.

I take the box from her and open it to find a gorgeous pair of white gold and diamond earrings. I immediately put them on before hugging Esme.

"They're beautiful Esme. Thank you…for everything" I whisper.

"You're welcome sweetheart. I'm just glad to see you happy again."

After a moment, Alice comes over to touch up my makeup before we all head over to where Carlisle is waiting to walk me down the aisle. Once we're there, Rose pulls me aside, asking to speak to me for a moment before everything gets started.

"I know we got off to a rocky start all those years ago Bella, but I couldn't be happier for you that you are marrying Edward. You two are good for each other and I can't think of anyone else I'd want as a sister." Rosalie says.

"Oh Rose…" I start to say before she cuts me off.

"I'm not finished yet Bella. Now, I know you have your something old, blue, and new. So I thought that maybe I could give you your something borrowed." Reaching into the bag that she has with her, Rose pulls out a delicate looking veil.

"It was the veil I wore the first time I married Emmett, and I thought it would look perfect on you today. If you'd like to wear it."

"Of course I would Rose. It's beautiful. Thank you." I tell her.

Rose helps me to attach the veil to my hair. When she's done, I pull her into an embrace.

"Thank you so much for everything Rosalie. I don't think I would have gotten to today without all the help you've given me."

Rose offers me a smile and says "Of course you would have Bella. Don't you remember? You're already perfect." I try to say something to her, but it's too late, she's already heading over to her place to wait her turn to walk down the aisle.

I see Alice motioning for me to take my place so I head over to where Carlisle is waiting for me. Grinning widely, he proudly takes my arm in his as we watch Rose make her way down the aisle, followed by Alice.

"You look stunning Bella." Carlisle murmurs to me.

"Thank you Carlisle. You look quite dashing yourself in that tuxedo." I reply

"Bella, I…" Carlisle starts to say, but he's cutoff by the change in music, signaling us to start our walk down to where Edward is waiting for me.

Glancing at Carlisle quickly, I can see the emotion in his eyes, I can tell exactly what he's trying to say.

"I know Carlisle. I don't think I could ever thank you enough. Now how about we get me married?" I say as we start our slow walk, timed perfectly to the music. Well, slow at least until I see Edward standing there waiting for me. He looks perfect in his tuxedo and seeing him makes everything else melt away. For just a moment I'm aware of how perfectly Alice managed to tie everything together for the wedding. The purple flowers blooming in the meadow coordinating perfectly to the colors in my own bouquet of Calla Lilies and the dressed that the girls are wearing. I'm aware of all of that for just a second and then my focus is only on Edward and his dazzling smile. I'm sure I'm walking faster than I should as I feel Carlisle tighten his grip on my arm and chuckle lowly, and after what feels like an eternity, I finally reach Edward and Carlisle places my hand in his.

Edward and I turn to face Reverend Weber, I lose track of who is saying what, barely remembering to respond where I am supposed to, and before I know it, it's time for Edward and I to say our vows to each other. We decided to write our own, and since I'm not gifted with a vampire's memory, I had to write mine down. Pulling the piece of paper out from under the ribbon in my bouquet, I open it up and offer my pledge to Edward.

"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a woman, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Edward, I've always heard the word faith, hope, and love thrown around before and I thought I knew what they meant. This passage from Corinthians sums up so much of what they mean to me now, what you've proven these words to mean.

I know we didn't have the easiest road to get here, but regardless of everything we've faced, I'd go through it all again if it meant I would find my way to you. I promise you Edward that I will always love you, I will always be by your side, and I will always support you as you have always supported me."

Finishing my vows, Alice passes me Edward's ring and I slip it onto his finger as I look up to him and say "I love you."

Looking at him, I can see the love Edward has for me written all over his face as he clears his throat and begins to speak his vows to me.

"Bella I don't know how I can accurately put into words how lucky I am to have found you. I feel like I waited for eternity for you, and now that I have you I don't ever intend on letting you go. Before I met you, I never knew I could feel like this…like I've never seen the sky before. Every day that we're together, I love you more and more.

My heart sings when I'm around you Bella. When I'm with you the world seems like such a perfect place. You've given such meaning to my life Bella, it doesn't seem like such a waste anymore. I know we've already had our share of bumps in the road, but all that has shown me that there's no mountain too high or river too wide…we can get through anything together. I love you Bella, and I promise that I will always love you…until the end of time."

As Edward says the last part of his vows, he takes the ring from Emmett, places it on my finger and gives me another dazzling smile which I can't help but return as tears stream down my face from the heartfelt words that Edward has spoken to me.

We both turn to face Reverend Weber again, Edward's words still floating through my mind. I'm brought back to the present as Reverend Weber says "I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

As I turn towards Edward, he sweeps me into his arms, crushing his lips to mine. My mouth opens, allowing his tongue entrance. As we kiss, I can feel Edward's love for me and I hope he can feel mine for him. We both get lost in each other until we hear Emmett clear his throat. We pull away from each other, me blushing and Edward grinning sheepishly.

"It is my honor to present to you Mr. and Mrs. Edward Cullen" says Reverend Weber, a hint of a chuckle in his voice.

Everyone claps as Edward and I hook arms and make our way down the aisle towards the other side of the meadow where Alice had a small tent set up for the caterers to serve dinner for our human guests. Just as we get to the entrance of the tent, Edward scoops me into his arms, kissing me as he twirls me around, causing me to giggle.

"You look absolutely breathtaking Mrs. Cullen" he murmurs as he peppers my neck with kisses.

"And you look positively handsome Mr. Cullen" I hum back, loving the feel of his mouth on me.

Hearing our guests approaching, Edward places me back on the ground and pulls me into his side.

"I love you Bella. Thank you for making me the happiest man in the world."

"I love you too Edward."

Everyone makes their way over, offering us their congratulations as they take their seats at the tables. As the dinner progresses I have to stifle my laughter as I watch the Cullens try to hide their distaste for the food in front of them as they try to hide it so that it looks as though they've eaten. When the cake is brought out Edward is a complete gentleman about feeding me, although I can't help wondering what he's going to do with the piece of cake that I am feeding him, but he just smiles as he eats it right off of the fork.

Soon after everyone has had their fill of cake, Edward and I take the floor for our first dance as man and wife. It took some time for us to find a song for us, but eventually we decided on As Long As You're Mine from the play Wicked. It just seemed fitting for us and after we heard it, neither of us could find another song that we liked more. As we dance, we sneak kisses and whisper how much we love each other as flashes from Esme's camera punctuate the darkness the setting sun is leaving in its wake.

All too soon the evening ends, and Edward and I find ourselves saying goodbye to everyone. Some are harder than others for me, knowing that this is the last time I will get to see Ben and Angela. At least Jake knows the truth, and I find a small measure of comfort in knowing that I won't have to give up my best friend, especially since he has been more understanding than I ever thought he would be about my decision to be changed.

After we say our goodbyes, Edward and I get into the car to head to the airport to leave on our honeymoon…to begin our forever together.

**A/N: So now our lovebirds are married. The passage that Bella reads as part of her vows is from 1 Corintians 13. Its one of my favorites and I just had to work it into the chapter somehow. Thoughts about the wedding? Where do you think they'll be going on their honeymoon? Teasers from the next chapter to everyone who reviews! Next update should be posting soon. Thanks for reading!**

**Now for some reminders:**

**There is now a Facebook group for my stories called lvtwilight09's lovers. If you'd like to be added to the group, just search it on Facebook and request to join. I hope to see you all over there. It's the place where I post song teasers and additional snippets and pictures of upcoming chapters, stories, and outtakes that I am working on. **

**Some Rec's For All Of You:**

**Anger Management by theonlykyla – Holy Lemons Batman! Seriously, this is one of the hottest stories I've read in a while and has me wishing I could be Edward's assistant, if only for a day. Bella is Edward's all too willing assistant who helps him find a way to release his anger. If you're not reading this you need to drop what you're doing and go read it. I mean it! GO READ THIS NOW! **

**The Breakers by les16 – This one is fairly new, only two chapters in, but it caught my attention from the beginning and I've really enjoyed it so far. Edward moves to a small fishing town in Maine after serving a seven year prison sentence and ends up falling for Bella.**

**It All Came Tumblin Down by startthefantasy – This one is also fairly new, but I've loved it so far. There are definitely some mature themes in this one so it may not be a story everyone would like. Bella runs to the small town of Forks to escape her abusive husband after 9/11 finally offers her the chance to disappear without being found. **


	47. Rebirth

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: Kyla, I can't thank you enough for your suggestions for the honeymoon location. I hope you enjoy where I ended up sending them. Love ya babe! As always thanks to everyone for reading, rec'ing and reviewing. Lots of pictures for this chapter, as usual they are all on the blog so be sure you check them out. Also, an important announcement is in the a/n on the bottom, so please be sure to read it.**

**Chapter 47: Rebirth**

**Song: My Last Breath by Evanescence**

*****EPOV*****

I feel like I can't stop smiling. I am seriously the luckiest, happiest man in the world right now. Bella and I are married…she's now my wife. As we make our way towards the airport my hand never leaves hers, the both of us sneaking glimpses of the other along the way. As we pull into the parking lot of the airport, I can already see that Bella is exhausted. It's been a long day and I'm sure she'll fall asleep on the plane, which is fine by me…it'll keep our destination a surprise for her that much longer.

We walk into the airport and I check our luggage and get our boarding passes before guiding Bella towards our gate. We don't have to wait long before we board the plane. I'm dying to give Bella her gift, but she practically falls asleep the moment we take our seats, so I guess it'll just have to wait until we get to the hotel.

The flights are long but Bella sleeps straight through our connection. Once we're on our second flight I feign sleep so I can avoid the flight attendants serving me a meal. Eventually the pilot's voice crackles through the speakers and announces that we are preparing to land. Once the plane arrives at the gate, I shake Bella awake and help guide her off the plane to baggage claim.

While we're waiting for our luggage I notice Bella looking around, trying to figure out where we are, but the fact that it's night out makes it difficult to figure our location out.

"Edward, where are we exactly?" She asks.

"Nadi. We're in Fiji love. I thought it would be best if we arrived at night." I explain.

Clearly Bella is surprised by the choice of Fiji. I wanted her to have a memorable honeymoon even if it would only be a few days since she wanted to be changed before her birthday, so I planned the entire trip as a surprise for her. Rose and Alice helped by packing for Bella and Esme helped with all the travel arrangements.

After we collect our bags, and make our way towards where the greeter from the resort was waiting to take us on our connecting seaplane to Savusavu where the resort was. A short while later we make it to our destination, the Jean-Michel Cousteau Fiji Islands Resort. The resort was built on a seventeen acre coconut plantation and seemed to be a highly recommended location for honeymooners.

Bella lets out a gasp as she sees where we are staying and I have to guide her along the way to the main building so we can check in. Once I get the keys from the front desk, I take Bella by the hand and lead her to the private villa I had reserved for us. That was the selling point for me to bring Bella here. It was a beautiful, romantic setting that also allowed us enough privacy from other guests so that my reaction to the sun wouldn't cause a problem.

As soon as we reach the villa, I scoop Bella up into my arms and carry her over the threshold.

"I love you Mrs. Cullen" I tell her, kissing her before setting her back on the floor.

"As I love you Mr. Cullen" she tells me back.

Bella and I take a minute to explore the villa, and I have to admit it looks even better in person than the pictures online. The master suite has an attached bathroom with a spa tub that has a whirlpool, a two-person indoor shower, chaise lounge, and two vanities. Stone pillars with copper 'torchlights decorate the bathroom. There are floor-to-ceiling windows and a sliding door that opens up into the garden. The bedroom itself has a king size four poster canopy bed and the doors in the bedroom open up to the upper deck where the daybed pergola is. Three steps down from it is the lower deck where the private pool is. Back inside the villa, the main living area includes a small kitchen which I had the staff fully stock for us.

After looking around the villa I lead Bella to the bedroom and motion for her to sit on the bed. I dig around in my suitcase for a moment before pulling out her gift and give it to her.

"Bella, today you gave me the best gift I could have ever thought to ask for. The one thing I thought I would never have. Getting to call you my wife means more to me than you will ever know. I am so thankful to have you as my partner, and I thought since you're officially a Cullen now, that you should have this." I explain.

"Oh Edward…" she whispers as she unwraps and opens the box to reveal her gift – a silver cuff bracelet with the Cullen crest on it. Her fingers ghost over the crest as she examines the bracelet in her hands before putting it on and pulling me into a hug.

"Thank you. I love it." She says as she pulls away from me and moves from the bed.

"I have a gift for you as well" she explains when she sees my questioning look.

After pulling out a small package from her luggage, she hands it to me and motions for me to open it. I rip off the paper, and open the box to find a white gold Daytona model Rolex sitting inside it.

"I…I thought that maybe you'd like it. Some of the professional drivers wear them, it lets them time their laps and I know how much you love to drive fast…and um…I had an inscription put in on the back." She trails off, wringing her hands nervously as she looks for my reaction. Flipping the watch over I read the inscription which says "Forever and Always. Love, Bella"

"Bella…its perfect love. Absolutely perfect, just like you." I tell her, my voice thick with emotion. As much as I love the watch, it's the inscription that means the most to me. I place the watch back in its box and set it on the nightstand next to the bed. Leaning in towards Bella, I kiss my way up her neck stopping when I reach her lips. Bella leans in to the kiss, deepening it as her tongue enters my mouth.

All too quickly we rid each other of our clothes, leaving them thrown about the room, and Bella is kissing her way down my chest, making her way to my already throbbing cock. I let out a hiss and a growl as I feel her lick the tip before taking me into her mouth. As she moves up and down my length I feel her swirl her tongue around my shaft and it damn near pushes me over the edge causing me to let out a snarl as I fight to maintain my self-control. My hands fist the comforter beneath me as I fight against the urge to buck my hips forward, unsure of whether or not I'd have the control to keep from hurting my wife.

As gently as possible I push Bella off of me and flip us so that I am hovered over her. She looks so beautiful like this…her cheeks flushed a rosy pink, her chest heaving from her rapid breathing, and her scent – the smell of her arousal is enough to drive me insane from need for her. I rest back on my knees as I run my hands along Bella's body and lower myself to her breasts, sucking a nipple into my mouth as I pinch and tug on the other one with my fingers. Hearing Bella mewling and moaning is like music to my ears. Releasing her nipple from my mouth, my hands trail down to her center, gently spreading her legs open as my fingers graze her clit.

I continue to tease her before I run my tongue along Bella's slit, a deep growl rumbling out of me as I get a taste of her. My tongue laps at Bella's nub as I pump my fingers in and out, causing her to moan and scream and I can't help but feel a bit proud as I hear her cry out my name as she comes undone. I continue my ministrations, ensuring that I lick up all of her juices, not wanting to let a drop go to waste. I feel Bella tugging at my hair and I move up her body allowing her to pull me to her, moaning as she kisses me roughly.

Breaking the kiss, Bella gives me a smoldering look as she pants out "Make love to me. I want my husband to make love to me."

Between my inability to deny her anything and my insatiable need for her, all I can manage as a reply is "As you wish my wife" before lining myself up with her entrance and pushing myself inside her. The both of us let out a moan as I enter her, and for me I can think of nothing that feels better than being inside of Bella. I still for a moment, trying to reign myself in, making sure I'm in control of myself. Bella takes advantage of the moment and rolls us so that she is on top, straddling me.

I'm left speechless by the beauty that is my wife as I see her on top of me, riding me. Her hands running along her body, massaging her breasts and pinching her nipples as her hips grind against mine, meeting me thrust for thrust. I can tell Bella is close as I hear her heart rate pick up, her moans getting louder, and her thrusts pick up in pace. My own orgasm is creeping up as well and I can feel the coil tightening within me, growls and snarls mixed in with shouts of Bella's names escaping my lips. Afraid that I will grab on to Bella too tightly, my hands seek out anything to hold onto and find purchase on the pillows on the bed.

Bella looks glorious as she comes, her walls tightening around me, milking me and spurring my own release as my grip on the pillows tightens, causing them to rip open, sending feathers everywhere. Bella collapses onto my chest, and I wrap my arms around her as I roll us so that we are lying on our sides, peppering her face with kisses and whispering "I love you" to her. Bella responds with an "I love you too" as she stifles a yawn and snuggles into my embrace. Not wanting her to get too cold, I shift my position for a moment and wrap her up in the comforter before pulling her back into my arms. By the time I have her settled into my embrace, she's already drifted off to sleep. I stifle a chuckle as I give myself a pat on the back for having thoroughly worn out my wife, before settling in for another night of watching my love rest.

I guess I should have shook out the comforter before wrapping Bella up in it for the night because when she wakes up in the morning she has feathers everywhere...they are stuck to her body and tangled in her hair. She looks like she just tried to wrestle a bunch of chickens. I try not to laugh but fail miserably. Bella seems a bit upset until she looks at herself in the mirror and starts laughing as well.

Moving into the bathroom, we decide to take advantage of the fact that the shower was designed for two people. We take our time washing each other and soon our roaming hands turn into gropes and I have Bella pinned up against the wall, her legs wrapped around my waist. As I lean in though to kiss her though, her humanity rears its head in the form of her growling stomach, reminding me that Bella needs to eat.

"Later my love, I promise" I whisper to her as I lick her ear and gently place her back on her feet.

Bella pouts but nods her head in agreement as she shuts off the shower and heads back into the bedroom to get dressed. I quickly join her, throwing on a pair of board shorts before heading into the living area to get breakfast ready for Bella. As soon I see Bella walk towards the kitchen though, all thoughts of feeding her go out the window. She's wearing the shortest pair of cutoffs I've ever seen and a tank top. Before she can even ask what's for breakfast, I have her laid out on the table and am ripping her clothes off of her.

The next few days are spent much the same way. We rarely leave the villa and devote much of our time to making love on ever flat surface we can find. All too soon, it's time for us to pack up and leave for the next leg of our journey…another surprise for Bella. We had discussed in length Bella's change and planned for it to take place after a short honeymoon. As far as Bella knew, we'd be returning to Forks and staying at the house by ourselves for her transformation. Carlisle however offered up his estate in England for us to use, that way the whole family could be there. Plus the estate was large enough and secluded enough that we wouldn't have to worry about being disturbed or people who knew us seeing us since we didn't know how Bella would be once she woke up from the change.

After we grab our luggage and check out of the resort, we climb aboard the seaplane and make our way back to the airport in Nadi where we check in and sit, waiting for our flight to be called. Since most of the flights are international anyway, Bella doesn't realize that the final destination on the tickets is for London. Before long, Bella and I board the plane and get comfortable in our seats. As the plane takes off I can't help but smile as I see Bella playing with her bracelet that I gave her. It makes me happy beyond belief to see her wearing the Cullen crest.

We spend the first leg of our journey talking about our time in Fiji and I promise Bella that someday we can make plans to go back. After landing we make our way to the gate for our connecting flight. Bella realizes we're not heading towards flights to the States and looks at me questioningly.

"I thought we were going back to Forks."

"Change of plans. Another surprise for you." I start to explain. "Carlisle offered us his English estate. The rest of the family hasn't been there in years, so they all agreed to come along too. We figured we could all use a change of scenery and they all wanted to be there for you…you know, once the change is complete."

Bella's smile is huge as I explain everything to her. She's clearly excited about the new plan. We hear our flight being called and board the plane. Bella snuggles against me and gets comfortable before drifting off to sleep while I just pretend to snooze, trying to tune out the extraordinarily crude thoughts of the flight attendant who was ogling me as we boarded the plane. The flight is relatively quiet, and we remain undisturbed between Bella's actual sleeping and my pretending to.

As we start our descent to land in London, I gently shake Bella awake, letting her know we're getting ready to land. Once the plane taxis to the runway and we are allowed off the plane, I can't help but laugh as Bella dances from one foot to the other as she rushes to find the nearest ladies room. It's sometimes too easy to forget about such human necessities, even after spending so much time with Bella. A few moments later, Bella reemerges looking much more relaxed than she was before. We make our way towards baggage claim and easily spot Emmett waiting for us. It isn't that hard to find him after all considering his size tends to make people keep a bit of a distance from him.

As soon as he sees Bella he has her wrapped up in a bear hug and twirls her around, only stopping once she hisses at him about causing a scene. By this time I've already gotten our luggage and Bella has managed to get Emmett to calm down enough to show us where he parked the car. Reaching the car we all climb in and head towards Carlisle's estate.

The drive into the countryside doesn't take long thanks to Emmett's predisposition to driving fast and we soon find ourselves driving through the gates of Carrington House. Along the way, I explain to Bella how the estate is located on the location of Carlisle's home from when he was human. Over the years, Carlisle had acquired the surrounding acreage and had the house rebuilt to include modern amenities, but it was truly the sentimental significance that made this place special for Carlisle, he even managed to have his father's grave relocated onto the property. I think it was a small comfort for Carlisle to know he still had a connection to his family from when he walked the earth as a human.

Immediately after we pull up in the driveway, everyone else comes rushing out of the house to greet us. After our hellos are all exchanged we make our way inside the house. We spend time telling everyone about our time in Fiji as Esme prepares and serves dinner for Bella. As dinner wraps up, we talk about the details of Bella's change, which is set to take place tomorrow so that by the time it is complete, it should be her birthday.

Not long after that discussion ends, Bella and I head to our room and settle in for the night, just spending the time together holding each other and wanting to be close to one another, the knowledge that it may be some time before we get to be like this again in the forefront of both our minds. Bella tries to stifle a yawn, but soon enough is falling asleep. As I watch her, I can't help but wonder if her transformation will remove the block that keeps me from reading her mind, but at the same time I question if I really want to know her every thought because she seems so happy to be able to have that bit of privacy.

I'm snapped out of my thoughts as I see the sun starting to rise and I slide out of mine and Bella's bed to see if all of our preparations are ready, and am happy to find the house empty aside from Carlisle sitting in the library. The family all agreed to leave for the day, allowing Bella and I the privacy to handle today however we thought was best. I did however ask Carlisle to stay as a precaution, just in case something went wrong. I still didn't know exactly how things would go today, for all the discussions that we've had, we never once actually talked about how the change would be made. I guess both Bella and I figured we would just let things happen naturally.

Bella wakes up shortly after I return to bed, a smile on her face as she realizes what today is. It seems as though she's almost excited for this as she was for our wedding day. After she showers and gets ready for the day, dressing comfortably in yoga pants and a tank top, she hugs me tightly, whispering to me "Today we make our dream of forever together a reality Edward. I love you."

"I love you too" I whisper back.

Bella kisses me and then pulls back, looking me square in the eye and tells me. "I'm ready Edward. I don't want to wait any more. I've fought to be able to have my life back. I want to start living it." She heads over to the bed and sits in the middle of it, looking at me, waiting for me to join her.

I feel an overwhelming nervousness take over me as I nod my head and force myself to remember that Bella wants this. She's told me more than once. So why am I so nervous now that the time has come? I've talked to Carlisle about everything, my ability to control myself, how to expect Bella to react…I've prepared myself for this every way I know how and yet I've never been more scared in my life. It doesn't matter that Bella and I have discussed what is going to happen, gone over all the details so we would both know what to expect. I can't help these last minute fears creeping up inside my brain. What if she regrets this? Hates me for what I'm about to do? Thankfully the rest of the family is here to support me and help me through this.

I move to the bed where Bella is waiting for me and stare into her eyes trying to remember ever nuance of their color. They're beautiful. I've always loved her chocolate brown eyes, could get lost in them so easily. Sensing my nerves, Bella moves closer to me, placing her hand on my cheek.

"I love you Edward. I'm not afraid" she whispers confidently before kissing me deeply, taking control and initiating a chain of events which will irrevocably change us both.

*****BPOV*****

I wasn't sure at first how I wanted Edward to change me. Having him just bite me would be a bit weird, so I figured we'd just let nature take its course. Kissing Edward, I snake my hands in his hair, pulling him as close to me as possible as I feel his hands make their way down my body. Edward's hand reaches my pants and his fingers hook onto them, pulling them and my panties down.

Gently, he lays me down on the bed, kissing all along my body, murmuring "I love you" after he places each kiss. His hands trail to my already dripping center and as soon as they make contact I can't help but buck my hips up, moaning from how good Edward's touch feels. Edward pushes a finger in me as his mouth makes its way to my core, flicking my clit with his tongue. My hands stay planted in Edward's hair as I try to hold him to where I most need friction.

"Oh fuck, Edward!" I cry out feeling Edward suck on my clit as he pushes in a second finger. Writhing on the bed, my moans are getting louder and louder as Edward pushes me closer and closer to the edge. Lifting my head to look at what Edward is doing, I see Edward looking up at me at from in between my legs. As we make eye contact I hear him growl as his tongue laps at my clit and his fingers curl inside me. It's enough and pushes me off the cliff I was dangling from, my orgasm taking over me, causing my entire body to spasm. The last thing I'm vaguely aware of is hearing Edward saying "I love you Bella" before feeling a searing, sharp pain in my inner thigh which is quickly followed by the feeling of being set ablaze on fire.

The burn quickly takes over and I feel it spreading through my veins, reaching every part of my body. No matter how hard I try, I can't stifle my screams and pleas for Edward to take the pain away, to make it stop. For what feels like an eternity, I feel as though I'm being consumed by the flames, and every time I think they are starting to subside it's as if someone add more fuel to the fire, causing another ear-splitting scream to escape my lips.

As much as Carlisle and the others tried to prepare me for the burning I would feel, I never imagined it would be so intense, or that I would be so cognizant through it. I worry for Edward, knowing he is probably torturing himself throughout this, but no matter what I try to do to remain silent, it seems that trying to fight against the raging fire only seems to make it worse. I've lost all sense of time, and I'm unsure of how long I've been kept here, burning from the outside in, when the flames seem to slowly star to ebb and my heartbeat starts to falter slightly as I become more aware, if only faintly of Edward's voice.

I can hear the worry in his words. I know he's heard my pleas and my screams. I only hope that the rest of the family has been able to offer him some sort of sense of comfort through this. The sensation of burning is starting to subside and increase all at once as it all starts to concentrate in my chest, and my once faltering heart seems to rapidly pick up its beat, as if it is going to pound its way out of my chest and I realize that this is it, my human life is coming to an end.

All at once the burning seems to rage more intense than it ever was as I let out what is sure to be a blood curdling scream. I hear Edward somewhere in the background calling out to me as I take my last breath before everything fades away, my heart stuttering before beating one final time.

**A/N: Lots happened here..honeymoon, Bella getting changed…I hope I managed to do it all justice. The resort in Fiji where I sent Edward and Bella for their honeymoon is real, and looks like an amazing place that I would love to go visit if I ever manage to become rich. Carlisle's estate however is completely a creation of my mind. Thoughts about the honeymoon? How do you think Bella will react to her change? Think she's going to have any special abilities? Teasers from the next chapter to everyone who reviews! Next update should be posting soon. Thanks for reading!**

********Important Announcement********

**As I'm sure many of you are aware, we are reaching the end of the journey for this story. I've had a blast writing it and an more thankful than I could ever say to all of you for reading it. The next chapter is the last regular chapter of this story and there will be one epilogue after it. I am aiming to have both completed and posted by the end of the weekend. That does NOT mean however, that this is the last you will see of The Sharpest Lives or it's characters.**

**As you all know, I've written a few outtakes from this story for various charity compilations and I plan on posting them on fanfiction at the earliest date that I am allowed to. They will all post under my story The Lives of Others, which is where I posted the Carlisle POV for Halloween, so be sure to add that story to your alerts so that you know when those outtakes post.**

**Also, if there are any outtakes that you would be interested in seeing from this story, please let me know in your reviews or in a PM, and I'll see what I can do about getting it written for you. **

**This story ending does not mean the end of my writing. I have several other story ideas floating around that I intend to start up relatively soon after The Sharpest Lives finishes, so be sure to add me to your author alerts if you're interested in what I'll be coming out with next.**

**Now for some reminders:**

**There is now a Facebook group for my stories called lvtwilight09's lovers. If you'd like to be added to the group, just search it on Facebook and request to join. I hope to see you all over there. It's the place where I post song teasers and additional snippets and pictures of upcoming chapters, stories, and outtakes that I am working on. **


	48. A New Beginning

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: So this it…the final chapter of the story. I have a lot I would like to say and a lot of thank you's to give, but since there is still an epilogue left, I will leave all of the sappiness until then. I hope you all enjoyed the ride I've taken you on; I know it was fun for me. As always thanks to everyone for reading, rec'ing and reviewing. Pictures for this chapter are on the blog. **

**Chapter 48: A New Beginning**

**Song: Marchin' On by OneRepublic**

*****BPOV*****

So much has changed, and yet it seems as if everything is still the same. I haven't had any regrets though, and I doubt that I will. Edward's given me everything I could ever want…a chance to have my happily ever after. It seems so long ago when we set out on this journey, and though some of the memories feel fuzzy, I'll never forget what it took to get me here. Adjusting to this new life has been nothing like I ever expected, and more than I ever thought it could be.

When I first…woke up I guess you could say, after my transformation, the first thing I remember seeing was Edward's face. I felt like I was seeing him for the first time. As beautiful and handsome as I knew him to be, seeing him with my newly improved sense of sight…well let's just say he looked gloriously breathtaking. I remember the look of concern on his face that first day, what should have been my twenty fourth birthday, but all of his concerns seemed to fly out the window when I smiled at him and told him it was worth it.

Jasper stayed close to me for a while, but I could see his frustration in my lack of struggle with the bloodlust. Sure I felt the burning in my throat, but to me it just seemed like any other urge or desire a person would have. I mean sure you might see some really hot guy or girl walking down the street and have the desire to have your way with them right then and there, but that doesn't make it the right thing to do. I just applied the same logic to my newly acquired eating habits. After all, they do say patience is a virtue.

Carlisle chalked it up to my being so prepared mentally before the change. At least until everyone brought me around humans for the first time. As harsh as it might sound, Carlisle thought the best introduction would be the cleaning crew who managed his estate. I was sitting in the library one day when he sent two of them in to clean the room. When they walked in I was of course aware of being near humans, I could smell their scents, but it wasn't outright drawing me in. I still laugh a bit at Carlisle's face after one of the maids dropped a glass paperweight while dusting the desk and cut herself. He looked so concerned, as if I was going to just pounce on her and drain her, but all I could think to do was run out of the room before I got sick.

When I explained it to Carlisle, how as soon as I smelled the woman's blood that I felt woozy, almost as if I was going to throw up, he looked at me like I had just grown a second head _and _told him the world was flat. I understand his being weirded out by that; I mean vampires don't get sick…ever. Whatever the issue was, we weren't too concerned since I wasn't affected the same way by animal blood. We even tested that theory to be sure. Emmett brought back a deer from one of his hunting trips and slaughtered it in the middle of the house. I had no adverse reaction to the blood, but I think Emmett ears are still ringing from when Esme laid into him for getting blood all over the furniture in the living room.

It wasn't until Jasper reminded us all about my aversion to blood when I was human that we put two and two together. Carlisle guessed that my aversion to blood carried over. Leave it to me to become the freak of the vampire world. Emmett was disappointed since he had a bet going on how many times I'd slip in my first year with Jasper. Now since it was pretty clear that he lost, he was stuck having to turn Jasper's extensive collection of civil war books into books on tape. At last count, Jasper had 238 books, and Emmett had finished recording forty seven of them. He probably would have been further along if he didn't get so bored and easily distracted. Then again, Alice, Rose, Edward and I were having too much fun finding ways to distract him so he would mess up the recording and start all over again.

If I had to pick the best part of my transformation it would be seeing Edward finally being able to completely let go with me. After we managed to find each other again, he had changed drastically and had been more care free and easy going with me, but he still always was focused on being careful with me, making sure he never lost control. Now that I was changed, it was wonderful seeing Edward truly relax around me, not worrying about if he would snap me in two if he grabbed me the wrong way.

The first time Edward took me out to teach me to hunt really made me realize just how much he had been holding back with me. We went out into the woods on the grounds of the estate where there were several herds of deer. Edward showed me how to give myself over to my senses, to follow my natural instincts. I drained three deer that day and Edward four, but there was still a hunger burning in his eyes, one that I was feeling too. Seeing Edward hunt, watching how gracefully he took down his prey was a complete and utter turn on. The look he gave me told me he was feeling the same thing as me, only he actually made the first move to act on those feelings.

The previous times Edward and I made love were amazing. He was gentle and loving and attentive. This time, Edward didn't have to hold back, he was able to just let go and feel. In an instant both of our clothes were in shreds on the ground as Edward pinned me against the tree, causing it to crack and split slightly from the force with which he pushed me against it. The woods echoed with our growls, snarls, and moans as Edward thrust in and out of me, pounding me harder than he ever had before. By the time the two of us came down from our lust induced high, we had managed to cause two trees to topple over and left some severe gouges and scratches in several others. We also had to sneak back into the house through the back entrance since none of our clothes had survived our woodland romp. We made it back to our room without being caught and changed our clothes, but neither of us had realized the twigs and leaves that had gotten caught in our hair. Rose and Emmett still haven't let us live that down.

The only downside to my transformation, at least in Edward's eyes was that he still couldn't read my mind. Esme was adamant about me having some sort of ability. I wasn't so sure. I mean, I already was a freak among vampires for getting weirded out by human blood, I figured being a mental mute was just another thing that was odd about me. Eventually Esme's pestering about my ability got to me and I let her call Eleazar. I had met him and his wife Carmen, along with Tanya, Kate and Irina at my wedding. Apparently Eleazar's ability was that he could identify abilities in other vampires. After talking with Esme and Carlisle, Eleazar and Carmen agreed to come to see us here at the Carrington.

It was nice getting to know Eleazar and Carmen better during their visit, and it turns out it was quite useful having him come after all, since Esme was apparently right about me having an ability…well two actually. Eleazar listened as we explained how Edward couldn't read my mind, but that Jasper's ability to affect emotions and Alice's ability to see the future still worked. It turns out, I have some sort of mental shield, a defensive ability so that I can protect my mind. Eleazar worked with me to help me develop my shield so that I could project it onto others. It was while I was working on this that we figured out my other ability.

While I was working on projecting my shield with Carmen and Edward while Eleazar was off hunting with Carlisle. Emmett and Jasper were in the house singing karaoke. All Emmett was singing were those God awful Justin Bieber songs and he was loud as all hell and it was pretty distracting. I remember thinking in my head how I wanted Emmett shut the hell up with the damn Bieber music already, when next thing I know, Emmett comes out of the house telling me that he'll pick other music if it means I'll stop shouting at him. Needless to say, Carmen and Edward looked at Emmett like he was nuts because they hadn't heard me utter a single word, and I was too flabbergasted to figure out what was really going on.

By the time Eleazar and Carlisle got back from hunting I had tried "talking" in my head in every scenario imaginable…without projecting my shield, while projecting my shield, while the person I was trying to talk to was under my shield and while they weren't. I was able to mentally "talk" every time. All I had to do was really focus on the person and visualize myself saying what I wanted directly to them. I couldn't mentally hear their responses or read their minds like Edward could, but I still thought it was pretty cool, especially when I would toy with Edward and start talking dirty to him in his mind in situations when it would be socially inappropriate for him to react.

If Eleazar was human he probably would have pissed himself when I tried it with him, since we thought it would be cooler to just show him rather than explain it. He and Carmen stayed at Carrington with us for another week before heading back to Alaska. I would miss the two of them, but we had agreed that we would visit them soon, in a few months' time once I was a little more acclimated to the vampire world, and relearned human mannerisms like blinking, and fidgeting every so often.

All in all I couldn't be happier with my life. I've managed to marry the man I love, begin to develop my shield and telepathic abilities, and I've even gotten accepted into college, having enrolled as a freshman at King's College for the following Fall semester. I'm snapped out of my thoughts as I hear Edward's approach and feel him wrap his arms around me as he places a kiss on my cheek. Today is a special day, it's six months since I've been changed.

Edward and I just stand together for a few moments, enjoying the quiet before he asks "Are you happy love?"

Turning in his arms so that I can look him in the eye, I offer him my response.

"I couldn't be happier Edward. It took us a while to get here, but we made it. We're not perfect Edward, and I never would want us to be. I like what we have together as it is. We went to hell and back, we fought through our own wars to get here. We've both had days where we completely broke down and visible or not, we both carry the scars to remind us of where we've been but I can't help but think that it's made us stronger, both together as a couple and as individuals. We made it Edward, we kept marching forward and look where it's got us. We're here, right now, together. We're married, happy, with family that loves and supports us. We got our fairy tale ending. I don't think I could ask for anything more."

Edward leans down and kisses me as he says "I love you Bella. It's always been you. Fairy tale or not, there's no other ending than I'd want than this right here, right now, being with you."

"Me either Edward" I whisper before taking Edward by the hand and leading him back towards the house where the rest of the family is waiting, ready to begin the next chapter of our forever.

**A/N: I hope I managed to do it all justice. I wanted this chapter to give us a bit of a glance into Bella's adjustment to her new life. Thoughts about Bella's new life? How about her words to Edward at the end about being happy? Thoughts on her abilities? Teasers from the epilogue to everyone who reviews! I won't have you waiting long for the epilogue, it should be up by the weekend at the latest. Thanks for reading!**

********Important Announcement********

**As you all know, I've written a few outtakes from this story for various charity compilations and I plan on posting them on fanfiction at the earliest date that I am allowed to. They will all post under my story The Lives of Others, which is where I posted the Carlisle POV for Halloween, so be sure to add that story to your alerts so that you know when those outtakes post. The first of these outtakes posted today. It is called Far From Home, and was my contribution to the Fandom For Tsunami compilation. Please go check it out and leave me some love to let me know what you thought of it.**

**Also, if there are any outtakes that you would be interested in seeing from this story, please let me know in your reviews or in a PM, and I'll see what I can do about getting it written for you. **

**This story ending does not mean the end of my writing. I have several other story ideas floating around that I intend to start up relatively soon after The Sharpest Lives finishes, so be sure to add me to your author alerts if you're interested in what I'll be coming out with next.**

**Now for some reminders:**

**There is now a Facebook group for my stories called lvtwilight09's lovers. If you'd like to be added to the group, just search it on Facebook and request to join. I hope to see you all over there. It's the place where I post song teasers and additional snippets and pictures of upcoming chapters, stories, and outtakes that I am working on. **


	49. Epilogue: Having It All

**Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.**

**A/N: So here it is…the epilogue. I have a lot of thank you's and some parting words for you all, but I'll leave them all for you at the bottom. I know at times my author's notes have been lengthy but I would greatly appreciate it if you took the time to read my final one at the end. As always thanks to everyone for reading, rec'ing and reviewing. **

**Epilogue: Having It All**

**Song: Bless The Broken Road by Rascall Flats**

*****BPOV*****

_September 3, 2061 – 50 years later_

When I was still human, I thought fifty years was an extraordinary long time. Now, I have a slightly different perspective on things. It's still a significant amount of time, plenty of things have changed, but fifty years doesn't seem so long any more. The things I did fifty years ago still seem like they were only just happening yesterday. Picking up another photo album, I can't help but let out a sigh when I see the pictures that are in it.

Flipping through the first few pages of pictures I see myself sitting in the library at Kings College or in the dining room at Carrington with my books spread out everywhere as I trudged through the four years of my undergraduate studies. After considering everything, I decided to get my degree in psychology. As much as I loved my books and literature, I wanted to be able to do something and help people. That's when I decided to pursue psychology. I thought it would be the perfect path for me to get my degree and then maybe start a practice where I could work with people who had similar issues like I did with the drugs. I knew I would never be able to repay Carlisle and everyone else for everything they did for me, but I had hopes that I could pay it forward.

Flipping through a few more pictures I see the ones from my graduation day. Edward was so proud of me that day. I was proud of myself. I finally had done something worthwhile with my life, and even though I hadn't gotten the PhD yet, I was well on my way to getting there. Edward was by my side helping me along the way whenever I needed him to, and so was everyone else. My hand flips the page in the album and ghosts over the next picture…the one from when I got my acceptance letter for graduate school. Regardless of my ability to have perfect recall now, I was still skeptical of my being admitted. I applied to all the big name schools in Britain just to appease Edward and Carlisle, not thinking I would get in, only after I made them swear to me that they wouldn't try to pay my way into the schools. Who would have thought I would end up going to Oxford for my PhD?

I glance at more pictures of my years in my doctoral program and the ones from my graduation, the day that I officially became Dr. Isabella Cullen. After I graduated, we decided it was time to head back to the States again for a while having spent a good number of years in England. We moved to New Hampshire, and settled in there for a few years. With Carlisle working at one of the hospitals there, he managed to get me a position there as well at the outpatient rehab clinic that the hospital ran. I loved every minute of working there. The clients were tough, but I enjoyed doing something that made a difference ,being someone who mattered. I finally had felt like I had something to offer and contribute.

Edward was a little miffed, about my job, complaining only because he along with Jazz, Em, Rose, and Alice were still stuck going through high school again, but he got over it quickly when he saw how happy I was working. Plus he realized the reality was that even if I hadn't pursued the job, I never would have been able to pull of returning to high school…I looked too old. Now I know I was twenty three when I was changed, and I didn't look all that old either, but it was too obvious and too risky to try to have me pull off being a high school student.

After a few years in New Hampshire, where Edward managed to graduate from Dartmouth _again_, we relocated back to Washington, deciding that we would all just take a year or two to relax. The time spent there was nice. I got to catch up with Jake and April, who by this point were well on their way to having an entire litter of pups. Already having had two boys, April was now pregnant with their third child, a daughter. If I could have cried I would have when Jake introduced me to his sons when he told me he had named his eldest, Charlie after my dad. He kept telling me he was going to change Charlie's later on when his daughter Vanessa was born, and I kept going on how people were going to nickname her Nessie just like the Loch Ness Monster.

Sadly, during our time there, Sue ended up getting sick. Carlisle did all he could for her, but there wasn't much. The doctors caught the cancer too late so the only thing to do was to make the last of her time memorable and comfortable. Sue and I got close again during that time, and we made our peace. I was finally able to let go of the hurt and forgive her what she had done the day of my father's funeral. A week later, she passed away. It was a difficult time for Leah and Seth, but they had each other and the rest of the pack to help them get through it. Not long after that, we moved on again.

We spent some time in Alaska with the Denali's, and although I never really cared for how Tanya would look at Edward, she never did anything questionable. After leaving Alaska, we continued on in our usual fashion, moving from place to place every so many years. Sometimes I would work with Carlisle in the hospital or at a rehab center, and occasionally I would go back to school for a post graduate certificate program. Before I even realized, time had flown by in the blink of an eye, and here we are fifty years later.

I still can't believe that Edward and I have been married for fifty years. He still looks at me the way he did all those years ago…as if I hung the moon just for him. To tell you the truth, I look at him the same way. He's my everything, and I'd do anything for him without a second thought.

I put away the photo albums and head outside to where Edward's waiting for me. He's kept his promise from all those years ago and brought me back to Fiji, only this time he's rented out the entire resort, so we can have it all to ourselves. We won't have much time to be here this time either, only an extended weekend. As much as I'd love to have more time here with Edward we have to go back to Seattle. We just settled in there and I'm teaching at the university. I remember when I applied for the position, the psych department chair seemed skeptical because I was so young, but as far as my records showed, I was Isabella Platt, the younger sister of Esme Platt who happen to have an eidetic memory and an IQ that qualified me for membership in Mensa. According to my transcripts I graduated high school at the age of fifteen, my undergrad at seventeen and my doctorate at twenty. Now I was the new twenty five year old psychology professor at the University of Washington.

I still can't help but laugh when I think about the day I got my student rosters for the fall semester. I was flipping through the lists when I got to the one for my Intro to Psych course and a certain name caught my eye…Edward A Masen. As I looked at the list more closely I noticed a few other names as well…Alice Brandon, Jasper and Rosalie Hale, and Emmett McCarty. I had known they were all going to college this go around, but I did not however know they all signed up for my class. It should make the semester an interesting one.

Walking along the beach towards Edward, I get lost in how gorgeous he looks, standing along the shore in nothing but a pair of khaki shorts, the sun setting behind him. All these years later and he still manages to take my breath away. As soon as I reach him, I wrap my arms around him and whisper "Happy Anniversary."

Turning to face me, he kisses me as he says "Happy Anniversary love."

We stand together watching the sunset, enjoying the quiet around us. Once the sun goes down, we take our time making our way back to our villa.

"You know Bella" Edward says, breaking the silence. "It still feels like just yesterday that I saw you for the very first time in that cafeteria in the high school in Forks. We had quite the broken road to travel to get here Bella, and I wish I could give back to you all the time we lost together, but I know I can't. I'm thankful every day that I get to call you mine and I know how lucky I am to get to have you with me forever. You are my home Bella, and I know I might have lost my way a bit, and I know we had our struggles, but despite it all I am thankful that I found my way back to you. You've given me more than I could ever dream of wanting, more than I ever thought I deserved. I love you"

"I love you too Edward" I whisper as we make our way back into the villa.

Edward's words are so heartfelt, I'm not sure how I got lucky enough to have him in my life, but I'm thankful for it regardless. We've fought, we've laughed, we've had good times and bad, but in the end we made it back to each other and made a wonderful life together. And if the past fifty years are any indication of what our future holds…I can't wait for it. I've made peace with my past, made a life for myself, have a loving and supportive family, and most of all I have Edward…my heart and soul, my reason for being. I know he'll always be at my side no matter what comes our way and we'll get through it together. What more could I possibly ask for when I already have it all?

**A/N:I know this is going to be an epically long note and I apologize for that, but please bear with me. I hope I managed to do it all justice. I wanted to offer you a bit of a glance into how Bella's new life turned out. Thoughts about her choices? Please leave me some love and your thoughts on things one last time. Thanks for reading!**

**I truly must thank each and every one of you who has read, reviewed, and rec'd this story. I came up with the idea for The Sharpest Lives completely out of the blue on a plane ride while listening to my ipod. I was so afraid to even try to write it all down, let alone post it, but you have all shown me and this story more love and support than I ever dreamed possible. Thank you for that from the bottom of my heart. **

**There are also some people I need to thank individually…**

**Kyla, my twifey…thank you so much for all of your support and your encouragement when I had my moments of doubt about the story or my abilities, for putting up with my frustration when writer's block would rear its ugly head, and most importantly for always being there whether the sun was shining or hidden so far behind the clouds I wasn't sure I'd ever see it again. 35 days babe! You are truly amazing and I'm more grateful than I could ever put into words to have you in my life. I love you!**

**Massy, my favorite tomato thrower…I don't know where to begin to start with you. I am so glad that I get to call you my sister! You've helped me so much more than you realize along the way. From working out the nuances of this story to helping me find the right music for chapters, to helping me sort through all the emoness that was the Charlie outtake. I can't imagine how this story would have turned out without your help and guidance.**

**Butterflybetty…you have been a shining example of all that is great in the fandom. I walked into this wonderful world and managed to stumble across your stories and quickly became enamored with them. I am proud and lucky to be able to call you my friend, and I just want to thank you for being there for me whenever I was frustrated with my writing.**

**Sandra, my avid reader and more importantly my friend…your reviews and words of encouragement mean more to me than you will ever know. Thank you for all of your kind words and support. **

**Ok, enough of the sappy…Now that this story is finished, I will be taking a short break to regroup and begin work on my next story. I have several in the works and plan to start posting again in two to three weeks. **

**Now, I know I mentioned my outtakes. They will be posted throughout the summer and whenever a new one pops into my head under my story The Lives of Others. **

**Even cooler than my outtakes is what my twifey Kyla aka Dr. Hugsalot has planned for my characters. Dr. Hugsalot is well versed in hug therapy and has been working wonders on Edward from Breach by Catastrophia (if you aren't reading this then you really really need too!). Dr. Hugsalot has offered to sit down with my characters and pick through their brains about the things that happened in The Sharpest Lives. Her sessions with Bella and the rest of the group will take place sometime this summer and the transcripts from these sessions will also get posted under The Lives of Others so be sure to keep an eye out for it!**

**If there are any specific outtakes that you would be interested in seeing from this story, please let me know in your reviews or in a PM, and I'll see what I can do about getting it written for you. **

**Don't forget about Facebook group for my stories called lvtwilight09's lovers. If you'd like to be added to the group, just search it on Facebook and request to join. I hope to see you all over there. It's the place where I post song teasers and additional snippets and pictures of upcoming chapters, stories, and outtakes that I am working on. **

**Thanks again everyone for sticking with me. It's been a wild ride and I've loved getting to spend every minute of it with all of you. Until next time!**

**- Stephanie**


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